• watch me •
I have a memory from long ago, of a person co..
🕑 Added 2023-11-14 14:49:27 +0000 UTC
• watch me •
I have a memory from long ago, of a person complimenting my parent on how adorable I was at around my year 5. I looked up, innocently and sort of matter of factly to say “I know” which lead to a wack on the back of my head, reminding me to say thank you. That was one of the first times I realized I either wasn’t allowed to know or at least acknowledge that I know, my own worth. You may think that’s small and just being polite though for the rest of my life whether it’s family or strangers- where I was proud, it was taken from me. Making cheerleading in 6th grade and being told by adults around me that my head got too big. Raising my hand in class often lead to me being bullied even though my answers were always right, I stopped participating in class because that was safer than “showing off.” My first boyfriend took me to an instrument museum, but told me I wasn’t allowed to play the piano (that was placed out for all the guests to use) just because HE didn’t like the attention I got after preforming in things like the talent show or showing off publicly. If I preform at karaoke being too good is seen as taking the fun from other people who might not sing as well. My own foster parent wouldn’t let me sign up for classes that could’ve given me college credits because to her, I thought I was “smarter than I was” and would’ve quit. Even now talking about this I feel extremely uncomfortable listing the things I know I’m good at. Because their programming almost worked. I listened, Must be humble, must need compliments, must plan realistically because I can’t do what other people can, must always be grateful someone else noticed me but I must not put myself in the spotlight.
Recently, I’ve been talking a lot recently on my other pages about confidence. How do I wear and post and share the things I do seems to be the big question. I’ve been trying to hard to wrap my brain around it because I don’t know how I do it either. I was born with the largest amount of conceit I think I’ve ever seen, and people over my whole life have tried to take it from me. In reflecting upon my experiences and thought processes it comes down to one thing. Spite. Despite what they tried to forcefeed my brain, I’m proud of being alive still when I thought I wouldn’t be here after I turned 18. I live out of spite. I don’t care if it sounds cliche, but I am Outliving my demons. I will out live them, confidently. Freely. I will post what they told me I couldn’t. I will travel where their feet couldn’t go anymore. I am succeeding in a career I was made fun of for day dreaming about because others are too scared to take the leap. I’ve stopped waiting around for the outside validation I was taught to crave in SPITE of them. These energy vampires that crave the insecurities inside us will always try to knock you down the moment you find solid ground to pick yourself up on. But the moment I am told I can’t be or do something - something inside me says “watch me.”
Watch me love my body unconditionally the way society never will. Watch me grow and change and accept my flaws in the ways you’re too afraid to. Watch me confidently be secure in a relationship with someone I think is way out of my league and hey, even watch me sit on her face and pay me to do so. Watch me live my life unashamed, unabashed, unfazed, untamed… Watch me & hopefully I help show even one other person, that they can can reclaim their self too.
