Wolf Of Penumbra
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Script Mother Peer Review: WoP S1 Ep1
🕑 Added 2023-03-10 23:04:31 +0000 UTCBelow is a review from someone on Script Mother, a screenplay reviewing website.
(Name is left out to preserve the anonymity of the reviewer)
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Very well written and interesting story that kept my attention until the end.
Overall Rating: 87/100
Concept: Excellent
Story: Excellent
Structure: Good
Character: Excellent
Dialogue: Good
CONCEPT
I liked the concept. I'm a fan of vampires and demons but I never felt the same likeability factor toward werewolves. Having a strong-willed likable girl turned werewolf is a great idea. It will establish a connection between the protagonist and audience that will make werewolves likable.
STORY
The story was well written and interesting. I found the descriptions very visual while at the same time being short and concise. They immediately set the mood. And, as the story progressed, the visuals remained strong. I found the scene where Jacqueline was attacked by the Wulver in Willows Park extremely well done.
The story progressed at a nice pace. The story never dragged. I was never bored.
I found this description on page 3 unwieldy. Jacqueline gazes dimly up at the MATH TEACHER—40s, and definitely wearing a wig—in the middle of a lesson.
I liked your use of the unexpected to propel the story forward. Example - when Jacqueline was in Willows park, she was attacked by the Wulver and turned. Normally, the protagonist would fight back and end up not being turned. Therefore, the outcome was unexpected which was great.
OPENING
Personally, I like an opening to be a real grabber. I want it to capture my attention to the extent I want to continue reading the screenplay. Your opening, the werewolf attacking the deer, definitely grabbed my attention. I wanted to continue reading.
ACT 1
By the end of act one, I should be able to identify the protagonist. I was easily able to identify Jacqueline as the protagonist.
I should also be able to define the goal of the protagonist. I wasn't clear on Jacqueline's goal. I knew from action visuals and dialogue she wasn't on board with the UEA like Warren, Adley, etc. because she felt the UEA were sometimes killers. I knew she felt differently about the werewolves. But, I didn't know exactly what she wanted to accomplish in the story. I suspected her goal was to change minds or maybe even protect the werewolves but I wasn't entirely sure of her goal. Then, after she was turned into a wulver, my perspective changed but I still wasn't sure of her goal. Did she want to turn back into human? Did she just want to survive? Did she just want to change minds?
I should also be invested in the protagonist to the extent I want to cheer for the protagonist to succeed in reaching the goal. I was invested in Jacqueline. I liked her. I wanted her to reach her goal even though I wasn't entirely clear on the goal.
Character
Your characterization of Jacqeline was extremely well done. I immediately got a sense of her personality. Example - on pages 3/4, her opinion about John not using a cart to carry the water showed me her personality. Also, Jacqueline going into Willows Park alone showed her inner strength.
Although brief, Mr. Clove's characterization was well done. I had a good sense of his personality as school principal.
Also, Dr. Shull's characterization was well done. Via action and dialogue, I had a sense of his role and personality as Jacqueline's dad while at the same time getting a forewarning he will ultimately most likely play a bigger role in the story.
I didn't feel Warren and Adley's characterization was as strong. I'm not sure why. They're physical characteristics were unique from each other. Their fight with Jacqueline over the drawing was interesting. But, neither had that special something to make me see them as interesting individuals. Their role was interesting but neither one of their personalities were interesting.
Dialogue
The dialogue sounded natural and realistic. My only suggestion would be to change some of the dialogue by adding subtext instead of having the character say what the audience already knows. For example - in Willows Park - Jacqueline says "Oh, ok! That’s a dead body! No thanks!" The audience already sees the skull and therefore knows there's a dead body. So, this is considered on the nose dialogue - saying the obvious. Likewise, "know you’re still here… (deep breath) Screw it!" The audience already knows this too. If Jacqueline instead said something with subtext, hinting of something to come relevant to the plot, it would be more interesting. Also, "S-son of a" is wasted dialogue.
An example of great subtext dialogue was your very last line of dialogue -" …Monster, huh?"
Overall Feedback/Conclusion
This story totally captured my attention. I wanted to continue reading to the end.
