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De-Procrastinating 3 – Enjoyment Unfound
🕑 Added 2023-03-16 18:57:38 +0000 UTCOne of the definitely worst parts of Lee’s life were the 4 to 8 hours every weekday she spent sitting in classrooms. The lecture hall was smaller than what she was used to from the Mountain of Time, which was again to the benefit that the overall student could receive more attention. At least when it came to the lectures, Lee benefitted from being largely ignored.
She sat in the corner, played on her phone, and occasionally looked up. The teachers were presenting some facts about Illusion Barriers that they had been taught either by her dad, her brother, or the many books the two of them had brought to the Hudson Barrier. While the formulas on display were technically new to Lee, she typically memorized and solved them within a fraction of the time the teachers needed to explain it to everyone else. Similar was true for any laws of magical physics and such.
Lee put her phone away when the simplicity of the mobile game failed to engage her mind more than the nothing around her did. She was overly aware of her surroundings and yet not aware at all. She just existed in the, admittedly comfortable, seating that was bolted in place behind the, admittedly spacious, table segment each of them were given. The lecture hall was like a cinema with the world’s dullest, most predictable movie.
Other students did not share her opinion on the subject matter. Engaged or confused gazes laid testimony to the fact that the length at which the teacher explained the formula was entirely necessary. A fact that made Lee want to bang her head into the table. She knew she was a ‘genius’ when it came to Illusion Barriers, Protected Spaces, and all of that jazz. Why did she have to be stuck in this room with everyone else? Could she at least do practical lessons? Could they just write down everything she’d need to look up by the end of the semester and send her home to study on her own?
‘Terrible idea, though,’ Lee thought and remembered her lack of progress on the one university-related task she did have in her private time. Once she was done with the dissertation, all she needed to do to satisfy her dad was make it through the exit exam and then she was a full-fledged Fateweaver, able to practice entirely on her own. No oversight, no teachers telling her what to do, just research and practical application. It would be heaven compared to this. ‘Maybe they’re torturing me with this so work life will seem like heaven by comparison.’
An odd theory, especially since her work life would primarily consist of time dilating Illusion Barriers for John. In other words, while he was out grinding, she could catch up on all the single player games she got piling up. Sounded like a dream job. Provide a highly valuable but passive service, play video games, get tied up, fucked, and sleep. No need to advertise.
The only problem was that she’d need to work on her concentration so she could keep the time dilation up even during the sex part of that. Interestingly, it was easier to maintain time dilation while sleeping. A lack of outside stimuli, and all of that. Sleep made it easier for other Fateweavers to wrestle control from whoever was in charge, however.
Lee’s mind meandered through this and other things she already knew. One thought inevitably rose to the surface. ‘You gotta do some work on that paper today.’ She suppressed a groan and leaned back. Why did it have to be that hard to concentrate on work? Beatrice never had an issue with it. Neither did Nia. They had something in their minds where they could just zoom in on whatever task and do it. ‘Do I just have that poor discipline?’
She twirled a pen around her finger and stared into the air, hoping to find an answer in her boredom. Lee didn’t think she had generally poor discipline. She attended her workouts and she appeared to scheduled activities on time, even when she disliked them. She hadn’t pulled a single sick day when it came to actual work. Only when it came to school had she tried to get away with skipping. Writing papers, doing homework, attending lessons, it all was like the years of her life were stolen from her by a system that did not care that she did not belong in it.
‘But if I don’t belong in it, then what am I doing here?’ Lee asked herself.
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“So yeah, that’s about where I am right now,” she confessed to John. Lee kept her eyes down, her fingers fidgeting in her lap. “I just… I know everyone has to write a dissertation and that everyone has to go to these classes. I know I can do it. I know that I should do it, but….”
“Why?” John interrupted her.
Confused, Lee straightened up and turned to look at him. Her beloved was a plain man. A plain, gorgeous man, by all objective standards, but plain nevertheless. Even though his features, his brown hair, and even his brown eyes may have been standard in their attractive arrangement, the spark of wisdom in that hazel was deep and caring. Tenderly, the hand on her lower back wandered to the side of her face.
“Huh?” She was too surprised to put her confusion any more elegantly.
“Why should you do it?” the Gamer asked. “Nothing inside you cares to write the dissertation, right?”
“Yeah, but… it’s what I have to do?”
“Why?” John repeated the same question she had been asking herself, in a variety of different ways, ever since she returned. Living out there, exercising her power free of regulations and expectations, it had made her so happy.
“I don’t know.” Lee hugged her legs tightly against her chest. Her answer was a mutter between her knees. “It feels like I’m stuck between a place that I hate and a place that I can’t go to.”
“Hey, look at me.” John demandingly turned her head back over to him. That gaze of his had hardened. There was a certainty there that she wanted to hold onto. He had so much that she didn’t. Why did someone as great as him even care for her? The question was swept aside by his words. “There are things that you cannot do, everyone has their limitations, but there’s always another place to go. You need to work hard enough and you’ll reach it. You’re capable of that, Lee. So, do you want to procrastinate or do you want to never face any hardships at all?”
“I don’t even want to procrastinate,” Lee groaned. “I just want to be done with it.”
“No, you don’t – at least not as much as you want to procrastinate. Otherwise, you’d be doing it. What you feel is the regret of having done something you enjoy and still having all of what you hate to do in front of you.” John put it so bluntly that she felt the need to cringe out of existence. “And that’s fine. That’s how we all feel when we indulge over doing the work that we need to do. The thing is, it shouldn’t be this hard.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you enjoy working out, right?”
“Kinda?”
“And when you miss a day, because you’re lazy, you don’t stop going to that, right?”
Lee understood where he was going with this. “I mean, yeah, because I’m actually motivated to keep doing that… unlike that fucking stupid paper.”
“Exactly,” John stated. “I think the human mind generally craves two things: responsibility and a challenge. If writing the paper does not challenge you and it’s not a possibility you care about, why would you ever finish it? Take me and paperwork. Sitting behind that desk for up to 8 hours a day isn’t my definition of a good time, but I’m not tortured by it. It can be stressful, yes, but there’s a certain satisfaction in knowing that what I do matters. Ever felt that while writing that paper?”
Lee shook her head. “It’s just like longer homework. But… I dunno, dude, feels like you’re saying that I should do whatever I want.”
“Whatever you want? No. Everyone doing whatever they want works for like a split second, then someone’s been stabbed. What you should do is something you don’t hate. When you have not even a moment of satisfaction in what you’re doing, if it’s all just colouring your day grey, then you’re in the wrong place. Some people work in jobs they do not care about because their work is just a means of sacrificing time for other resources. If nothing else, that’s where your satisfaction should come from. Do you need the official qualification to do what you really want to do?”
“Dad says so…” Lee released her legs and let them dangle back over the edge. “…but I’m my own girl, aren’t I?”
“No, you’re mine!” John stated with joking possessiveness.
Lee laughed and bumped her shoulder into his. “Don’t be a jerk, dude,” she requested. The smile on her lips faded swiftly. “So, you suggest I just throw away the education I’ve been working towards my entire life? Take it all and… disappoint my parents?”
“I’m not suggesting anything,” John told her. “What I want is for you to be on a road you can be happy with. If you think you can suffer through the boredom, then do that. You’ll get the dissertation done eventually. You’ll certainly pass the test. If you think your time is better spent elsewhere, then spend it elsewhere. That it’s been your life so far doesn’t mean you have to stick with it.” For the first time since they started this topic, John gazed out into the world. His eyes were dull and distant. “There’s a boredom so vast and all encompassing, it’s among the worst pains to exist. Hell can be found in many forms.”
Lee put her arms around her lover and squeezed tight. He returned from whatever place he had been drifting off to and smiled radiantly at her. Such a great man he was, and yet flawed to the core. Although she wasn’t entirely sure she deserved him, she was at least sure that she was in the right place, next to him.
“Alright, but what would you suggest I do?” she asked directly.
“Puh, now you’re asking the difficult question.” John put his forehead into wrinkles. “Alright, but only take this as my personal opinion. The final call is yours.”
“Yeah, yeah, no responsibility for you,” she teased.
“Hey, I’m your man, whatever you suffer, I suffer indirectly.” He poked her forehead. Then, his expression became serious. “I think you should drop out tomorrow. When I first met you, you were considering getting into mundane e-sports because Fateweaving bored you that much. When Lydia insisted you get into shape, I felt like you were coming to life. Recently, I feel like you’ve been drifting back into being just bored. I’ve never seen you smile at the university. I only ever hear you talk about it when I ask. I don’t want you to suffer.”
Lee knew she should be shocked or at least contemplative. Instead, she felt her heart beat more intensely in her chest. Somehow, of all the emotions she could feel at the moment, what won out was her appreciation for the care he had for her. She put her arms around his neck and pulled herself up to his lips for a kiss.
“Okay… I’ll go talk to my dad tomorrow,” she whispered. “I’m doing my own thing… whatever that’ll be… you think he’ll be mad?”
“I might be called out to another fishing trip,” John joked and she rolled her eyes. “Yes, I know, terrible… but no, I think he’ll understand if you explain it to him carefully. He might even be anticipating it. Magoi is a bit stubborn and maybe Magnus got him thinking that it’s best to have clear guidelines. He’s not stupid though.”
“No, he’s not,” Lee agreed. “He’s strict though. If I don’t get the proper certifications, I won’t be able to use academy resources.”
John blew air out of his nose. “Big deal. Remember who provides those resources?”
“Joooohn, I don’t want to be nepotistiiiiiic.”
“Nepotism is only a problem if you install people that are bad at their job,” John stated matter-of-factly. “I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s totally fine to hire based on personal relations. Why would I scan the entirety of the population for a person that might be the best, when I have someone who is perfectly capable right there? I don’t hire different plumbers each time I have a problem with my toilet either. I hire the one I know will get the job done.”
“You compare me to a plumber?!” Lee feigned outrage.
“Well, you do take care of the runoff on Abyssal properties.” She punched his shoulder again and he just snorted with amusement. They both did. “The point is that I won’t have a problem with being nepotistic as long as you won’t give me a reason to regret giving you a leg up. You know how I operate.”
“Starting help, but I gotta stand on my own two feet, yeah,” Lee nodded.
“Well, unless you want to do it as a hobby. If you join Aclysia in being a lady of my leisure, then I’ll obviously give you all the support you need to have fun in your spare time.” The smile on his face made clear that her lover had one of his many intellectual tangents. “If you’re running a business, then you got to make it profitable. I believe that’s the minimum to-“
Lee kept him from fully losing himself in the diatribe with another kiss.
