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So I've been going to therapy for a while...
🕑 Added 2023-10-31 00:28:39 +0000 UTCAnd I'm going to TMI a little bit now. I've long made a habit of being open about my mental health struggles, despite the fact that I generally prefer to be a private person. I began this out of professionalism; since my brain problems were causing the stories to be interrupted and delayed, I felt my readers deserved to know what was happening and why. That's still my main motivation, but over the years I've also learned that a lot of people struggle with similar problems, and quite a few have said that an author being frank and willing to confront this stuff publicly has helped them deal. So I'm gonna go over what I've learned about the ongoing problems I'm having with burnout, and then explain what it means for my writing going forward.
This is still a post about what I'm up to and what to expect, so if you're not particularly interested in the psychological nitty-gritty, feel free to skip ahead a bit. Action plan begins after the Star Wars reference.
Here are some crucial things I have recently come to understand about my burnout problem in the course of introspection and working with my therapist:
- Burnout is story-specific. Even when I'm too burned out to keep working on whichever story has been my main one at the time, I'm still able to do other creative projects, and write other stories.
- It is not the writing which burns me out, but the pressure to post.
- Taking writing breaks only alleviates the symptoms of burnout, it does not address the root cause. For a long time I've thought I just got too burned out that first time and have never properly taken the time to recover, but I've come to realize that since it's the pressure to keep posting the stories I'm committed to that actually causes it... Well, that pressure never goes away when I'm not working on them. It only moves away from the forefront of my mind.
- Dividing my focus is helpful. Doesn't seem like it should be the case, but I have observed that when the pressure to keep cranking out a given story mounts, working on something else for a while not only alleviates my stress but improves my results when I move back to the initial story.
- Ultimately, my problem is too much structure. The basic, and frankly minimal, requirements of doing X number of words by X deadline on X project is what's ultimately causing my brain to build up stress until it misfires and I can't work anymore.
When I put all these things together, in context, a solution comes to mind. Well, not a solution maybe, but a direction in which to move. Let's call it an experiment: a new system I'm going to try to see if it gets me better results. I just...I really, really hate the thought of doing it.
Insert Kylo Ren meme here.
So, in short, I am going to resume work in November, and I'm moving to an "unstructured" approach. I cannot do completely unstructured, because I rely on the motivation of some external structure for motivation, but...it's going to be less structured. This experiment will run for the last two months of this year, November and December, and first thing in 2024 I will assess my results, see how well it's working, and what I might need to change.
In practical terms, there are two structural hurdles I am doing away with: specific deadlines, and a singular story commitment.
First, there will no longer be designated update days. I'm going to aim for two chapters a week, because that's what I've been doing for the last few years and it's a pace I can more or less keep up with. But the chapters are going to go up when they're done, whenever that is. This will either help alleviate the burnout-inducing stress of deadlines, or backfire completely and make it harder to hit my flow without that pressure. Finding out which will enable me to decide how to go forward when the experimental period is over.
Second, I am not going to concentrate on one story at a time. First thing in November I will be launching two new stories, simultaneously. I will work continuously on whatever I feel like writing on a given day, and twice a week I will put out chapters of whatever that is. That will make five potential stories that might update: The Gods are Bastards, Only Villains Do That, Netherstar, Hoard and Dysland. I currently still have bad burnout specifically on TGAB and OVDT, so those are likely to remain quiet for a while, but I'm hoping this will alleviate that and let me get back to them soon.
Of the two new stories I'm launching, one I've been developing very openly for the last year or so; anybody who's been active in my discord server pretty much knows what to expect from Hoard. In contrast, Dysland is something I've been working on entirely in secret, in fact since before I even started considering OVDT.
I...hate this. I don't like anything about it. It's not an approach I would personally like to see as a reader; people like stability and schedules, and rightly so. I hate what this is going to do to the rate at which my stories come out; being worked on simultaneously will slow all of them. Honestly, for that reason alone, I wouldn't be bothering with this if I thought I had a choice. But unless I make some kind of accommodation with the realities of my unwell mental state, I'm just going to keep coming up against this wall and having to stop work entirely. If this enables me to keep working, better than I have been...well, whatever it takes.
That's kinda something that's come up in therapy, too; I seem to be pretty disinterested in my well-being apart from how it impacts my work. My therapist is concerned about that, but to be completely honest, I'm kind of okay with it. I lived for a long time basically just surviving; now that I have a career doing something I love and which matters to me, and adds happiness to the lives of others...well, that deserves all my focus. I don't really have anything else going that I care about all that much. I'd absolutely work myself down to a wreck if it got more of my stories out faster and I don't see the problem with that. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. The stories suffer if the author doesn't stay in good condition, so I have to take better care of myself.
I don't have to like it, though.
I'm sorry for what this is going to do to the update schedule, I really, really hope you all enjoy the new stories; I hope that proves to be worth it. I know things seem like a constant mess around here, but I promise I'm trying. Doing creative work while mentally ill is just way more complicated than it deserves to be.
Rest assured, whatever I start I am committed to finishing. I know that's big talk from somebody who hasn't actually brought a story to a conclusion yet (though TGAB is getting close!) but I view these as moral responsibilities; I never launch a story without knowing how it ends, and we'll get there together. Short of author existence failure, nothing's going to stop me from finishing what I start. No matter how many times I've gotten knocked down, I've always gotten back up and gone back to work, and I mean to keep on that way.
Thanks for coming on the ride with me.
P.S. I wrote this post while severely sleep-deprived and in a significant amount of pain; I hope it's coherent, but if anything requires clarification I'll be available here and on discord for questions.
Comments
Thomas Verjans
Late to the party here, but let me let you in on a secret. To start with: I have pretty heavy ADHD. As a result, I have a hard time keeping track of what day it is, let alone which day something is supposed to upload. I currently have 60+ stories I'm actively following on RR, quite a few authors I support on Patreon, and I have *no idea* which story is supposed to upload when - hell, Stormweaver updates once every few *weeks* and I still follow it. So here's the secret: I'm happy when one of my favorite stories has an update. I'll only know it did (excepting the Big Ones like Dragonheart Core, who update once a week with bigass chapters) because I see it on my follow list. I'll only get "unhappy" so to speak if a story or author doesn't update for too long, not if they don't update at a specific day. I just... don't notice. So you saying you're gonna update whenever you feel like it: yes, please and thank you, fucking finally. Write what, when and by when works for you. Take it easy if it makes you feel better, don't if it doesn't. Just do what feels right, because I don't think there's all that many people who'd get truly upset about irregular updates. Just take care of yourself, alright? That's what, in the end, makes for the nicest reading: when you can tell the author is doing well, and it shows in their writing. So good luck, and - most importantly - have fun!
Daniel McRae
Everything I've read of yours I've thoroughly enjoyed; I look forward to reading whatever you come up with - and to supporting it.
BagFullOfLizards
I’m glad to hear you’re trying new things! It may be uncomfortable but it sounds like a good way to figure out what’s sustainable for you!
General Corteau
Another thought to reduce deadline pressure — Patreon does offer per chapter payments, that might alleviate pressure for you if you want to explore those options. Subscribers pay for new chapters without a set schedule. Just a thought!
Rex Schrader
I'm excited to read whatever you're writing. I've mentioned previously that it seemed like your focus on hitting Patreon specific goals and timelines seemed like a significant source of stress for you and that it really wasn't necessary. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm here to support you and your writing, whatever form that might take. I like that we can be a bit more old fashioned "Patrons" of your arts - we're supporting our author-in-residence. I don't think we're asking for anything more than what you're already giving us. Thinking about how far you've come, I remember reading the the TGAB comments about how you were freezing your butt off in a trailer on the back of your family member's property. It seems like you're in a much better living situation now, which is awesome. I'm glad that we could be a small part of making that happen for you.
Pyro Hawk
Huh, I came here thanks to TGAB and have enjoyed OVDT but I never knew about that third story of yours. Have to go looking for it and read it along with the other two new stories...
Pamela Gillespie
I am also following enough that there's always something coming out. One of them only posts every two or three months, so even if you need to cut down you're still more prolific than them so cut yourself some slack
Stephen
I think you have much stricter standards for your writing output than your core readership does. You've been writing at a brutally fast pace this far and I like the new directions you're going. Looking forward to the new stories!
a passing Fnord
If it means a better story and you take care of yourself then I'm all for this
Grammar Antifa
I currently only read TGAB (started a reread when you announced you'd be starting to work on it again, almost to the new chapters) and I'd much rather get chapters whenever you're able to put them out rather than you try to meet strict deadlines and burn yourself out again. Personally, I follow so many serials, whether original or fanfic, that I basically never read a chapter of anything right when it's released anyway and am way, way behind on many of them.
Brent
Obviously, your health comes first. Period. That said, even from a purely selfish standpoint, I have seen too many authors quit for reasons like this. I'm much happier getting the story slowly than never getting it at all.
D. D. Webb
Unfortunately I've never been able to write short anything. It's epic scale or nothing.
Chris O'Hare
Thanks for sharing, hope the changes work for you. :) Sorry if this is inappropriate, but I wonder if you might enjoy writing short stories, even if occasionally?
SkySeeker
Looking forward to seeing your future work! I will be happy to read what you post, when you post it. Your characters, world building, and general writing style are such that I am confident I will enjoy whatever you feel up to writing. While I hope you are eventually able to come to value yourself enough to care about your own well-being beyond how it affects your ability to write, I hope that you may derive some satisfaction from the enjoyment your writing gives us readers in the meantime. Press on, and don't worry on my behalf, anyway. You deserve good things, and I hope that life is kind to you.
Mantarok1205
I'm glad you brought this up. I too am suffering from burnout, and I've been giving up more and more of my schedule to give myself some room to breathe. I know exactly how you feel. Do what you have to do.
Too Much Sanity May Be Madness
Sweet! I thought it sounded unlikely to have been OVDT; I look forward to finding out more about it!
Too Much Sanity May Be Madness
There's no earthly way of knowing Which direction we are going!
fionag11
Not all authors post on a schedule. Maybe we're just a too scheduled world.
fionag11
NETHERSTARRRRRRR!!!!!!! bring her on.
D. D. Webb
Actually, that was Dysland!
Jesters Ghost
As a long time reader, I'm genuinely excited to see more stories from you, whatever they may be. I'm following somewhere close to fifty odd stories currently. I really don't care what updates when, because *something* always will be :p So this reader, at least, has absolutely no problems with this kind of update schedule,and I genuinely hope it helps improve your life going forward.
Dominic Corbin
You have to take better care of yourself for YOU, not just for your ability to provide stories for us. I understand you will reject this sentiment, and that's okay. Know that your therapist, myself and many others in your audience feel this way. Keep working on it, and hopefully you can get to a place where you can believe in it, and achieve a balance. It's hard, I won't say it isn't. I'm proud of you for keeping at it, and glad you're trying!
Sleepless
I'm glad you figured out something that works for you! I do hope you'll take care of yourself as well though.
Aaradur
Sounds like a worthwhile experiment to me, and I really hope this works for you. I love your stories, but i would much rather you write them while taking care of yourself better
Charles Giessen
I for one am exited to have no clue whats happening next in any given update, cause theres no way to know *which* story is being updated!
Too Much Sanity May Be Madness
You do what you need to do. I'll read whatever you write, whenever you've written it. Out of curiosity, when I was doing a re-read after TGaB restarted, there were a few mentions in the comments of another story you were working on alongside TGaB, well back before it went on hiatus and OVDT started. Was that any of these stories?
Wolfkit
Big hugs, and if working on multiple stories in a free for all manner results in chapters being written and posted then I am all for it!
