ddwebb
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Unplanned Major Hiatus
🕑 Added 2023-06-15 23:32:03 +0000 UTCThe Avenists, my highest tier and most appreciated backers, did not get their regular Tuesday update because I couldn't get the work done. And this was after I had to extend my usual monthly writing break because I had the same problem the week before. Today... I woke up planning to announce another schedule skip, to pass through the update cycle as normal, but after trying all day to finish the chapter that was due days ago and failing to make any progress on it, I've had to stop and consider my position.
Earlier in the week I had an epiphany: this sensation is familiar. The last time I had this combination of overall depression, total creative block, and serious stress about the above, was in the final months of my work on TGAB, and that culminated in such total burnout that I had to stop working entirely.
Today, taking a hard look at my current circumstance, I had another epiphany. Creative failure aside, I am in extremely bad shape mentally. I'm constantly exhausted no matter how much I sleep, my eyes look like I've been awake for a week straight despite getting my eight hours a night. My appetite is a complete wreck, I'm dealing with depression of a caliber that's keeping me from doing anything, and I've been having nightmares basically every night. This is one of those things that I feel pretty dumb for not having noticed earlier but, well, they're hard to see coming up on you until you're in one.
This is a crisis. I am having a serious mental health episode of some kind.
The last time it was this bad I had to stop writing entirely for four months, and when I was able to resume, my story, which I love with all my heart, had become an actual trauma trigger and I couldn't even look at it, forcing me to switch to a different one. I cannot let that happen to OVDT, too. It's now been a few weeks of this; with TGAB I tried to push through it for months until it ultimately broke me. I have to stop before it gets that far this time.
So, this is my plan to address this.
I am going to take, to begin with, the rest of June off. I should probably seek some kind of actual mental health care but that's still outside my means given my situation so I am going to devote myself fully to recovering. I'm going to make it my full-time job to do all the things I know help stabilize my brain when I'm in a bad depressive episode: get my daily exercise, eat healthy, sleep as much as my body wants to sleep, do my breathing and meditation exercises every day, and not be under the stress of a publication schedule.
I will stay in communication with everybody, via my discord server and with posts here on Patreon, which will be available to the public. By the end of the month I'll assess my situation and decide what to do.
Basically, the likely options are: extend the hiatus if I need more time to recover, return to my normal publication schedule if I feel recovered, possibly return on a more limited schedule, or possibly switch to working on a different story.
That brings me to the third epiphany I've had, and the matter that will have the biggest impact on my long-term plans: OVDT itself is what's killing me. This isn't exactly news, I know I've talked about this in various places before, but I didn't realize it was this serious. To recap for those who haven't seen my previous commentary on the subject, I started writing OVDT as a kind of therapy project, to confront and work through some of the issues I was grappling with. That has backfired on me because of the standard authorial tendency to underestimate how long a story takes to write. The planned arc of OVDT does lead to a more uplifting perspective than it has now, but I was originally expecting that to start, like...a year ago. Based on current story progress, we're about halfway to that point.
I've gotta stop. For a while; I am definitely not abandoning this story. I just don't know how long a while it's going to be. Maybe just these two weeks, or possibly long enough for me to write something else for a while.
Right now, there are no other major stressors in my life. The only factor I can identify that could be causing me this kind of mental distress - I mean, aside from my customary mental illness, which as a rule does not feel like this - is this story. This story which, I realize now that I think about it clearly, is keeping me in a position of being immersed constantly in the exact soup of issues that was causing me stress and trauma in the first place. Yeah, hindsight is 20/20.
So, this is it for me for this month. As I promised, I will stay in touch and stay transparent. Updates will be on this Patreon account and on my Discord server at discord.gg/DQgsYm9. By the end of the month I'll let everybody know what progress I've made and what's happening next.
I'm more grateful than I'll ever be able to express to all of you. It means the world to me that people read and like my work; I'm constantly awed that people actually want to support me financially for it. I'm incredibly sorry that it keeps being interrupted like this; I hate it every time. Frustrating as it is, this is the result of lessons learned. Experience has taught me to accept the smaller interruptions with grace so they don't turn into bigger ones, and I'm sorry for failing to apply that lesson adequately. This bigger one is happening because I wouldn't heed the signs and stop earlier, because I can't stand to disappoint the people who want to keep reading. I'm going to do my best to make sure this interruption doesn't grow any bigger than it already has to, and I apologize for the misjudgments and failures on my part that led to this.
I'll be back soon. Thank you for everything, and I'm sorry.
Comments
Lord Haart
Same as other said, take your time and I'm not going anywhere!
Geminus
Don't worry about it. Rest and return if or when you feel able to. Hope you feel better soon.
Sorden
Please take all the time you need and then some!
BagFullOfLizards
So many hugs. Taking care of yourself is the first priority, we’re happy to wait!
John Brady Anderson
Please take care of yourself
Aaron
I'm really happy to hear this. Not because of what you're going through, but because you've been able to recognise a problem and you're able to do something about it. I hope you can return to your various projects, but more than anything I want you to take care of yourself.
fionag11
Huh, I was wrong...she's on Patreon and has an ongoing fiction...seems to be sporadic rather than a regular schedule.
fionag11
I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten. Your self care regime sounds very sensible. When I read of serial author troubles like this, I remember the very first web serial I followed - Alexandra Erin's Tales of MU. When she gained enough followers to write full-time as her main source of income, her celebrated goal, was when her formerly prolific writing began to drop off and she started struggling with writers' block. Again and again. she'd post about some new approach, new outlook, new schedule, which was going to solve the problem - it never did. Well, she did finish Tales of MU, tried a few other serials that didn't take off in the same way, then started a Tales of Mu sequel that eventually fizzled out. She went into radio silence and as far as I know she isn't writing fiction anymore. Her body of writing was voluminous and amazing, but it was clear that over time it became more and more something she had to psyche herself into doing rather than the spontaneous joy it started with. A case of "be careful what you wish for"? Maybe for some writers, perhaps most, it's better to be forced to spend much of your time outside your imaginary realm, so it can remain a refuge rather than become a trap?
Chris O'Hare
I’m not leaving Patreon regardless, updates or not. I hope you find what you need to take care of yourself and be happier.
Mark Dolson
As everyone has said, your health comes first. So take as long of a break as you need. Best wishes!
Conrad Wong
Agreed with the others, your own health comes first, best wishes!
Brent
Not sure if you are in the right head space to read these, but seriously, take your time. As much as I love your story, it's not worth your mental health. Take whatever time you need. We'll be here.
Arillius
Please take whatever time you can afford and thank you for the heads up!
SkySeeker (definitely not Lauren K in a mask)
Relax. I can't speak for everyone, but I know I'm not going anywhere. Take care of yourself. You don't need the pressure right now, so good on you for recognizing that. May your time away be restful and enlightening.
Leaf
This story is good. But it’s not important, you are important.
Aaradur
Damn, it seems to be a tgeme among really good art that it comes from some kind of mental torment... I have loved everything I have read from you, and will continue to read whatever you continue to work on. Keep letting us know how you are doing please!
Kingbob
I know you hate it Webb, but I'd much rather you stop for a bit than fall apart! You come first!
Gibbs
Take all the time you need.
Good for you for recognizing the warning signs and making the call. Take care of yourself, and I'll be there to read whatever you decide to start working on once you're back in a healthy/healthier place.
Time Advenit Semper
no need to worry man, take all the time you need, your health always takes priority!
