ddwebb
patreon
The Missing Months
🕑 Added 2023-04-30 22:32:58 +0000 UTCContent warning for mental illness.
And I cringe at having to say that, yet again, but here we are. I genuinely do hate how much of my communication is talking about that; I hate feeling like a whiner or like I'm bumming people out when my entire job is literally to entertain people. But, it's definitely not going to stop anytime soon, and maybe that's not so terrible. I started talking openly about depression and related struggles out of simple professionalism, figuring that if updates were delayed or skipped I owed it to my readers to be transparent about why. I've kept at it for the same reason, and also because a surprising number of people have said it helped them with their own struggles to have a content creator being frank and up front about these topic. So I'm glad at least some good comes of it, anyway.
But anyway, the purpose of this post is to address the lack of important monthly things from the entirety of March and April, and to explain and apologize for that. I'm very sorry to have let you down.
Basically, it has been real bad. It's slowly and steadily getting worse and I don't really know what to do about it, mostly because I can't really do anything. Shit happens.
I know it's considered The Done Thing to make fun of the Twilight Saga, and fair enough, Twilight is terrible. But it does have one little detail that Stephenie Meyer got not only absolutely right but more perfect than I've ever seen done as well anywhere else, and that's the depiction of a three-month depressive episode as three blank pages with the names of those months and no other content. It really is exactly like that; that is chillingly spot on.
In hindsight I'm a little perplexed that I actually got any chapters out during March and April; my memory of doing them is basically nonexistent. I've had to re-read them each time it's time to work on the next one because I'm losing my grasp of important details from them. In the last two months, I did my taxes and my cat had to go to the vet for an emergency visit, and those are basically the only two things I remember happening because they were stressful and that seems to be the only thing that breaks through the fog.
Anyway, I don't want to yammer on too much more about that, it feels self-indulgent and unpleasant; I just want to be clear about what's up with me because I believe people are entitled to explanations. What's more important is what happens next.
First, the incredibly dissatisfying news: the missed bonus nomination and voting periods and AMAs from those two months are going to remain missed. I'm really sorry and I hate doing that, but if there is one consistent lesson I have learned from my years of learning to function as a mentally ill creator, it's that trying to play catch-up will cause me to spiral into an ever-deeper episode of depression and stress until it shuts me down completely. When I fail, I have to acknowledge that I did, pick myself up and proceed with what's next. I'm really sorry about the lost content, especially since it's lost specifically to Patreon backers, the people I rely on the most. Experience has taught me that moving on is the only way to make sure more isn't lost.
So, tomorrow being the first of May and a new month, I'll be re-launching everything. AMA posts will go up, as well as the next bonus nomination post.
For future reference, I will never be offended if anybody reaches out to remind me of something if the usual date or time goes by and I've been silent. I know a lot of people might think of that as rude so let me just assure everyone up front that it's totally fine. Not to offload the responsibility onto you or anything, but if an update is missed with no word there's a very good chance I'm in some kind of fugue state and getting prompted is not only the best way to ensure the content gets made but can actually help shake me out of it.
I wish I had realistic options for getting my shit together; I hate letting people down. The cold reality though is that I live in the United States on the income of a fantasy novelist, and the option for mental health care available to me is to go fuck myself, discreetly, somewhere the genteel folk don't have to see. Which is a complaint directed at the general state of the world and in absolutely no way at my supporters. I used to be living in a much worse part of the United States on the income of a retail wage slave, and everything about my life is so much better now, thanks entirely to all of you. I honestly don't think I would still be alive if I hadn't gotten out of that situation and I owe that to my readers and supporters.
I'll never be able to thank you enough, or to apologize enough for these repeated slip-ups. So I'm just gonna do the best I can to make sure you still have some cool stuff to read. The stories will continue as long as I am able to function in any capacity at all.
Thanks, everyone.
Comments
Russell Black
Webb, your literary skill is second to none. TGAB, even unfinished, is a masterpiece, and OVDT, while not usually a genre I would be interested in, has me avidly reading every word. Your characters are varied and have wonderful dimension and depth, your world-building is on par with (what I consider) the SF greats; Asimov, Iain M. Banks, and Alistair Reynolds. Your plots are amazing; the problems your characters face are complex, and force them into difficult decisions that require intelligence, sacrifice, and personal growth to overcome. If I ever started writing myself, your work would be the standard to which I would aspire. Your talent and skill are a shining gem in this increasingly dark world, and it would be an absolute tragedy if humanity lost your contributions to our collective narrative. I, and I'm sure many others, would be happy with one chapter a YEAR, if it helped ensure your health and survival. Please, take care of yourself as best you're able, and when the mental health demons start whispering about your lack of worth, I hope this can serve as additional ammunition to silence them. From a dedicated reader and fan.
Aaron
There's no need to apologise for "slip-ups". Your monthly deadlines are a construct of the patreon format, the only timeframe that matters is the one where you take whatever time is needed to prioritise your own health.
Osamaru Ta
Ignore the Douches.
Sorden
Take all the time you need - we're supporting a cherished writer, not purchasing regular dopamine injections. Rest up, take care and get well!
GopherAtl
"...the depiction of a three-month depressive episode as three blank pages with the names of those months and no other content. It really is exactly like that; that is chillingly spot on." f'in M O O D damn I relate to that.
Dominic Corbin
As someone relatively middle class with a middle class income and affordable insurance living in the US, fuck the US health care system and its fucking for profit pay or die model. Mental health care is health care, and we should all be able to access it. Healthy people are productive people. Glad things are better than they used to be. Sorry things suck right now. Take care of yourself. We'll wait until you are in a better place. Hopefully that better place is a place with where you are able to take care of yourself and get the care you need. Like other's here I've been in dark places before too, and it sucks. Sending good vibes.
Heedless
Speaking as a reader who has struggled with depression for a few decades, take the time you need. I know that for me that sense of things not done that ought to be done can be a heavy weight, and sometimes I don’t realize how heavy until I manage to get a few of them done (or the deadline passes, and it becomes moot). I’d prefer you didn’t pull a George RR Martin on us, but if you need a week or a month or a year to get yourself right, take that time. I want you healthy and writing great prose, not torturing yourself until you give up.
Mantarok1205
Happiness is a chemical reaction in the brain. If those chemical reactions are not occurring, perhaps you should reconsider the chemicals entering your body? I've had depression. Meds make me numb, therapy makes me feel stupid, family makes me feel like a failure. ONLY diet and exercise make me feel alive.
Frosty-nee
Take all the time you need, I'd keep giving you money even if you didn't give me any special chapters at all. We are all lucky to be able to live in a world with your writing,
Ryan
Take the time you need.
Caleb Meyer
Much love from all of us readers.
Leaf
Honestly I’ve seen the struggle you’ve been going through and it amazes me that even through all this you’ve still maintained the quality you put into everything. The AMAs and monthly stuff are great, but the reason I support you is that it seems like you put so much of yourself into your writing. I’m not disappointed about any missed chapters and I don’t think I’m alone in that either.
Wolfkit
Sending hugs and cute dragons! https://www.furaffinity.net/view/31850999/
Arillius
I was in a similar situation when I started reading The Gods Are Bastards, actually, from the wage slave thing to the depression. Ended up hurting myself on the job and nearly became a homeless guy in a wheelchair. I think you're doing great, honestly. Try not to stress, and apologies that reading that is only likely to impact that stress a fraction, if at all. I hope everyone else's comments saying similar things will help.
