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Chapter 50.5: Defenestration Temptation
🕑 Added 2024-10-04 07:56:35 +0000 UTCChapter 50.5: Defenestration Temptation
The Ritz, LA. October 2009.
Promises, like my bones, were meant to be broken.
My lease had long since been up, so my cosy old apartment was no longer an option. Hence the plebeian affair of hotel accommodations.
What kind of pathetic excuse for a multi-millionaire was I that I didn’t have an ocean-side vacation property staffed to the hilt, with maids struggling to stay inside skimpy French uniforms?
A disgrace to poor taste, and poorer morals. Shame on me.
“Ritz? More like the fuckin’ shits Carlton. What the hell am I meant to do with only two towels?” Adding that to the tally of my pilfered hotel room laundry, I counted four pillowcases, one bed sheet and duvet cover, and finally the silk runner that draped across the foot of the bed.
Corners over ends, I tied silk, terrycloth, and high-thread-count cotton into knots. Thus fashioning myself a makeshift rope.
The result of my voracious scrounging was that my assigned suite was no longer fit for human habitation. Housekeeping was gonna have a hell of a day, so I left a few bills to absolve myself - but until they arrived, my room was a mess. The only recourse available was to perch on the balcony.
The perfect vantage point to rappel off of.
I wrapped my towel around my waist and peered over the railing to gauge the distance to the swimming pool below.
“What do you think you are doing?”
“A-admiring the view?” Definitely not abseiling.
“So was I from my veranda earlier. At least until I spied you attempting special forces training.” There was extra emphasis put on the word special.
My room had to be tapped. Fedex’s timing was too perfect. Hands behind her back and face unreadable, she strolled in casually through the adjoining door linking our two rooms. I stilled while she made her approach. Even if the floor wasn’t carpeted, I doubt I would’ve heard a single stealthy step unless she chose to let me.
Breezy as you like, she stopped prowling beside me and glanced down at where I’d been aiming at. “Steep drop. There are far less painful ways of perishing, Mr Rhys. I happen to know several.” No doubt there.
Mustering up every last ounce of bravery in my heart, “sure, I may die. But you’ll never again take my freedom!” I was prepared to holler that ‘til I was blue in the face.
True to her word, Anita had me surveilled and stalked near every moment of existence. Worst part was, I could only blame myself. I’d bled in the water; no chance my pet shark wouldn’t be overly chummy. Although I’d found my feet on solid ground, Fedex wasn’t any less of a predator, leading to an ambush around every corner I’d attempted to stage an escape through. The singular berth I itched to seek solace in had also been thwarted - the skies weren’t safe for me either. So much for being a card-carrying member of the mile high club.
“You have too much pent up energy, no?” Yes.
All it took from her was a single precise tug on my hip, and the towel plus the attached rope fell apart instantly. Not exactly the noose that would’ve hung me. Fedex’s hand that garroted my neck and dragged me back into my room did a better job of it.
“Drastic times call for spastic measures.”
“Only to the unimaginative mind.” She let go, tweaked my ear, and pointed at the discarded linens strewn about - the implicit command to tidy up. Cadbury wouldn’t have stood for this either, so fair enough; I got to it. “There are more suitable ways to spend your efforts,” she took the spare bills I’d set out and stuffed them back in my wallet, “and money. We need to find a more… physical way to drain your excess vitality.”
Fed caught me off guard for the second time today. I hesitated while straightening out the bedsheet. Did I think for even a moment she was insinuating what it seemed like? No. This wasn’t a trip down the gutter, merely a slip of the tongue - how could I resist twisting it? I had to give her a hard time - double entendre, undoubtedly intended. “Are you suggesting that we have sex? That’ll give housekeeping something to clean, then.” With a satisfying whoosh! I flapped, flung, and dove on top of the duvet; wrapping myself into a cocoon of white cotton to protect my virtue.
“Little rascal.” Her words were indignant, but her tone and delivery were flatter than my crushed dreams of liberty and lasciviousness. This has been happening far too often - I need to seriously start considering whether I’m even handsome anymore. “That function was not part of my job description. You should only be so lucky. We must quell your fires; tell me, Bas, how would you like to learn to shoot a gun?”
Glocks instead of glucks, huh? “Sounds fun.” Might come in handy in the future, and keep me out of trouble for now, too.
“Benissimo. I shall begin making the arrangements. In the meantime, feel free to change into better clothes,” she gestured at my pupated state while returning to her room. “Ms Specter would not appreciate you attending your important meeting dressed like a burrito, even if we are going to eat Mexican. Put on your big boy pants.”
–
Casa Vega Mexican Restaurant, LA. October 2009.
If only the world would let me. “I’m sorry, sir. We cannot serve you alcohol at this establishment.” Nobody bats an eye when I’m involved in the nitty of sex or the gritty of guns, but bring up some light boozing and, all of a sudden, it’s hushes and whispers. “We have an extensive drinks menu. Maybe you could choose something else except beer?”
“Don’t worry, I’m allowed. Nineteen in the UK is the equivalent of twenty-two in the States. No matter, I’ll save us both a migraine and just get a mojito, then.” It was ninety percent lemonade, so I’m sure the last tenth of rum didn’t legally count.
“Bas!” Anita wasn’t overly fazed.
“Um…” However, the young waitress taking our order was another story.
“Okay, alright, I’ll stop torturing you and get something non-alcoholic.” Resting elbows on top of the table was bad manners, but I did it anyway because I’d discovered leaning my cheek on my hands, and smirking with equal parts charm and mischief, was rather a flattering angle of mine. “Your number sounds like it could quench my thirst.”
Whap! Came the familiar note of Anita palming her own forehead. It was louder than the bossa nova tunes twanging in the background, a few other rude patrons who’d been muttering none too quietly while looking over, as well as the startled cough of our lunch guest.
My focus, however, was on our hostess - who couldn’t hide either her surprised smile or the creeping flush banding over the bridge of her nose. She was about as red and dimpled as the sofa we were sitting on. “I’ll h-have to check with my manager…” Any insecurities I had about my smoking hot bod were extinguished when she shyly tucked her hair behind her ear and responded, “though, I’m pretty sure we have that in stock.”
“Ignore him.” Anita should take her own advice. It would’ve certainly saved my toes from being stamped under the table. “Just add a pitcher of horchata to the order. Run along, now.” But I wanted to speak to a manager!
“Oh, my god. Sorry about the service, it’s usually a lot better here, I swear.” Jonah Hill proceeded to make a mountain out of nothing. “You’d think they’d be used to us celebs by now. It’s LA, for fuck’s sake.”
“Really? I found her service exemplary, more than worth a generous tip.”
“Well, I can say the food’s great for sure. Thanks for joining me here, by the way. Working lunches agree with me. You don’t mind, do you?”
Definitely a strange place for an audition. “Fair bit more public than I was expecting.” My hand itched to hide the lower half of my face under my usual masked disguise, but I needed to eat, so my cap would have to suffice. I still refused to wear sunglasses indoors or in the dark.
“Personally, we tend to prefer leaving shop talk for the offices. Being out and about so blatantly is begging to be recognised, fending off his adoring fans is a full-time job.” Fedex would testify to that from where she was keeping an incognito lookout. “Gets in the way of business.” Classic Anita move; trying to get a leg up by putting her foot down.
“What’re you talking about? All of Hollywood is our office. Eyes, ears, who cares? Never too early to generate a little buzz when you’re tryna make a successful movie. Superbad changed my life, I wanna keep that ball rolling. You’re actually the second Potter star I’ve met this year; Felton made a cameo appearance in my newest film with Russell Brand. I even just signed on to do a sports drama with Brad Pitt, dude, Brad Pitt! Who knows what’s next for me? Tarantino? Scorsese?” Clearly, someone had their eyes on the (money) ball.
“Then it appears I’ll be finding myself in esteemed company with 21 Jump Street also on your docket. In the most recent draft, I particularly enjoyed the scene where the characters ‘trip balls’.”
“Oh? You read the script that’s cool-” we were poised to dispense with the small talk and finally get to the meat of the matter until an interruption made herself known.
“Like oh-em-gee, are you Bas Rhys?”
My reflexes were normally on a hair trigger. I knew a grin would stretch into place before I gave it conscious thought, “hel-!?” yet my fan proved faster. My voice became suddenly clogged by a mouthful of hair, and something other than a napkin ended up on my lap.
“This is unbelievable! It was all over facebook that you’d died on set! Are you alive? What are you even doing here, don’t you live in like England or whatever? Let’s ditch these losers, I can show you around town instead.” She babbled a mile a minute, overly familiar, inching closer to my face with every syllable. The pungent stench of garlic, onion, and breakfast mimosas on her breath. It was a damn good thing I practised my facial expressions, because it took every last bit of restraint to not crinkle my nose and frown in disgust.
Anita nor Fedex were nearly as willing to withstand her trespass as I was. As much as I wanted Anita to poke her with the fork clenched tightly in my agent’s fist, I had an image to maintain.
“K-” Thp, thp. Let me just spit out her hair so I can actually talk. “Very kind of you to worry, but as you can see,” not to mention feel with her wandering fingers, “haven’t snuffed it yet. While I appreciate your offer, I’m here on business, so if you wouldn’t mind…” Reaching behind my head, I pulled off her encircling arms, scooched forward in my seat, and firmly guided her back to unsteady feet. “If you’d like another glimpse of me, be sure to buy a ticket for Black Dynamite. I’m in town for the premier of that, too.”
“No, I don’t care about anything that isn’t Harry Potter. But you, like, totally have to take a picture with me. I won’t take no for an answer!” Fedex was now just a few strides away with her hand reaching into her purse. She might’ve been pulling out my polaroid or a pistol; either way, I subtly shook my head no. This bitch didn’t deserve either.
She whipped out her camera phone and tossed it to Jonah. “Make yourself useful and take our photo - it’s the button in the middle.” She forcibly pressed her cheek on mine, “say cheese!”
“Actually, Jonah, why don’t you join us?” I attempted to save his figurative face and my literal one. “I’m sure she’d appreciate having your photo as well.”
“Ew. No.” But she immediately shot it down. Okay. That was it. She hit the limit of even my patience.
Snatching her phone back, I extended my arm, didn’t bother smiling, “queso,” and took a selfie. Finally getting rid of her, knowing full well her eyes were probably closed in the photo. “Apologies for that. You know how it is sometimes.”
“Nah… not your fault.”
“Bas, we should make moves.” Anita was already up, hand in the air, miming her signature as she called for the cheque. My interaction had caused enough of a commotion that a scene was successfully made before our order was.
Fedex sped away to get the car as the room full of diners started a suspicious susurrus. “Jonah, c’mon, let’s take this meeting somewhere a little more private. I’d love to talk about the movie some more.”
He didn’t budge. “…It’s not super complicated or anything. Mostly I just needed the biggest heartthrob or action star to bounce off of. Someone who’s ok playing second fiddle. When I watched Tropic Thunder, I thought you’d be able to pull it off.” The ‘I’m not so sure anymore’ was unsaid but heard, regardless.
“Boys, we can talk about this elsewhere.” The waitress returned with our bill, which Anita signed for, as well as the horchata.
Jonah grabbed the pitcher, poured himself a glass, and remained seated. “It’s ok, you guys go ahead. No one’s gonna be paying attention to me, anyway. Bas is the one they’re after. I’ll, uh… get the studio to set up another meeting later when I have the time.” He took a sip of the beverage, which I knew to be pleasantly sweet.
Too bad his palette preferred something more bitter.
Comments
Relayed
Miller took long brakes between films. Fury Road was stuck in development from 2009 when it was announced until 2012. Tom Hardy is cast in 2010 and filming doesn't start till 2012. On the plus side, Bas has the star power and charisma that Tom Hardy lacked at the time. Even though I don't like the guy, Gibson brought something extra to the character that barely spoke. On the negative, he is too young to portray a police officer that once had a wife and child. Unless they make the prequal movie Mad Max: Wasteland first.
Fran
Pretty spot on
Rivo
I can only think of George Miller with that hint lol. And I don’t think someone of his stature is just there, up for grabs.
Bar Calak
Ben is gonna have conniption
Bar Calak
Penguins and petrol
Rivo
Really glad we're going to get to see Bas struggle. It's been fun seeing mostly everything go his way, the adversity he's going to face is only going to make the pay off sweeter. Maybe his struggles with a role post Potter can be the kick he needs to splurge some of his money? He didn't get the role he wanted, so he mopes around and decides to buy a villa in Majorca and sleep with European models every other day. Joking aside, I do want to see Bas spend a bit of his cash. He doesn't even have a home! Idk, that's just a little sad I think.
Rivo
I wonder who... Dennis Villeneuve? Ignoring the obvious Dune, he's made some really amazing films and I think right now he's still working away in Europe. Yorgos Lanthimos? He's the master of Quirky and Awkward adults. The Lobster was great. Maybe I'm taking it too arthouse? I don't really pay attention to action directors much. Gimme a hint!
Bar Calak
There's plans for that too!
Uncle Snoo
If he's set on lead roles, there's also Friends with Benefits. It's not great but rom-coms usually aren't. Box office of 150m, could easily cross 200m with Bas.
Bar Calak
Smaller roles in large franchises are fine and all. But if Bas wants his post potter career to go anywhere he's going to have to make a splash all on his own
Bar Calak
Ur courting death!
Bar Calak
Nail on the head!
Bar Calak
Ben Wyatt is based in the states yes
Bar Calak
Limitless is very much on. I wont spoil the circumstances around it, but the first arc after HP ends wont be smooth
Bar Calak
Bas shouldnt always win anyway
Bar Calak
There's a director thats just sitting there for grabs. Bas isn't gonna let him go to waste
Bar Calak
2/4 of his potential projects have fallen through. He's getting the sense that life isn't gonna come as easy. Hollywood is volatile, he's gonna have to work hard after HP.
Bar Calak
Scandal! Fedex is on the case
Bar Calak
Not everyone's gotta faun over Bas
Bar Calak
My idea with his characterization was to set him up as what I think the average famous person on a hot streak would be like, Arrogant, salivating for more, and suffering from main character syndrome a little bit. Then Bas walks in as the real Mc - didnt work out well for either for them.
Bar Calak
Bas' been on easy street, time to see how he srats dealing with potholes
David Karlsson
That waitress must be furious at the fangirl
Uncle Snoo
His meetings were in LA. Mentioned in chapter 20 and 30.5. That might be why it wasn't as noticeable. LA isn't Wall Street after all. Not many cared about unusual investments. Until it blew up.
Relayed
He could change his hair and clothes to look more pedestrian. If Ann Hathaway can do it so can he. Besides the characters not ugly but more lacking in self confidence.
David Karlsson
I watched it tonight. Only issue I can see is Bas might be too pretty to cast as lead. Not sure if he has to be ginger either...
David Karlsson
It'd be very noticeable in the UK. That's publically available information the tabloids should have jumped at the moment he cashed out. His meetings with Ben are in an UK office AFAIK. Not sure how that has stayed private...
David Karlsson
Q is usually not the type to step into that role, especially not the way he's portrayed a wiry hacker in the last iterations
Soh•M©
I like the way you think
Uncle Snoo
Yeah but as the movie says, not many actually believed until 2007 when the delinquencies rose sharply. Ben might have been treated as an outlier until then. Pretty noticeable.
Uncle Snoo
Any new James Bond would pretty much be a reboot. Instead, they could start setting up Q (or a new character) as the new 007 for when Craig leaves in 2021. Maybe as an close associate/apprentice until then.
David Karlsson
The whole firm might have pounced on the credit default swaps after Ben was done investing for Bas. It's a lot of opportunity to leave to just 1 client
David Karlsson
Would be a shame to lose out on James Bond in the future just to play Q.
Uncle Snoo
This reminds me. The book 'The Big Short' is based on might actually feature Bas himself. Ben made too big of a profit to not get noticed. Was it close to $500mil? Ben might have let it slip to his colleagues that the idea to short the housing market actually came from Bas, all the way back in Jan 2006 before almost anybody else knew about it. If someone still remembers that, it could expose Bas as an investment genius. And with further investigation reveal a net worth close to a billion dollars. Might be interesting to see a few butterfly effects that Bas didn't expect.
Uncle Snoo
In terms of lead roles in 2012 that Bas can still take, Silver Linings Playbook and The Amazing Spider-Man stick out to me. But idk if either role suits him much. On one hand we have a guy who's married (Bas might look a bit too young) and on the other hand we have an awkward teenager (which tbh suits Andrew Garfield a whole lot more than Bas, but his age might prove to be an advantage here). Then there are the small roles he can get in Dark Knight Rises as Robin, in Skyfall as Q, and lastly in Les Misérables as Marius. Those are just the movies I know of. Anyway, right now Spider-Man looks the most promising. But there's still the issue of him not wanting a franchise role. I'm hoping he takes a break for a year and does something completely unexpected.
Kieran M
Thank you
Relayed
Ultimately it’s up to the author so I don’t like getting attached to ideas ahead of time but a romantic lead role is really good to diversify his portfolio. The author seems to have more of an interest in physical and martial arts based action along with comedy. The problem is that action flicks from the 2010s, unlike the 80s, tend to focus more on grizzled 40 + year old's rather than people his age. Considering the fact that he is well known for his good looks and that romance films will start to disappear in a few more years, About Time seems like a good choice. Especially since the premise is at least a little bit more unique. Rock of Ages seems like something beyond saving in my opinion as the writing was bad and the subject matter itself is not something that appeals to a demographic that would be drawn to Bas or Tom Cruise.
David Karlsson
I think I've seen a movie recap of this. But yes just getting an in with Robbie makes it worth it
McLuvin
About Time is a lead role yeah. It’s about a guy who learns he has the hereditary ability to time travel that he used to try and get a girl and ends up falling in love with, marrying, and having children with someone else. It’s a good romcom but it has some really interesting dramatic moments, like when the protagonist breaks one of his fathers rules, don’t go back to before the birth of your children, and then ends up having a daughter instead of his son and has to come to terms with the fact he just basically erased his child. Also, again, Margot Robbie is in it, perfect for Waifu-ing
Secret Weapons
looking at the dates I've only just realized... Inception shot right around this time. He needs to get into a Nolan flick soon, that guy works with the same people all the time, and ALWAYS makes bangers. Maybe Dark Knight Rises or Interstellar... could take the rookie cop role, be the new Robin, OR get yoked and be Bane. My point is, he should be looking to get hooked up with directors with big futures.... shit, he could be in The Town and get into Affleck's orbit.
Soh•M©
Face slapping, Bas Chinese fiction protagonist confirmed
David Karlsson
Is about time a lead role? Also, next premiere might be the first where he actually attends the afterparty and isn't on a plane back to Leavesden the moment the rewards are over.
David Karlsson
I like that idea. He makes a new contact who can recommend him later for the big short and others
Relayed
Whiplash seems like a given at this point as that role is too good to pass up for an actor his age. Silence is a good choice to get in touch with Martin Scorsese. It could also set him up with future projects as Martin Scorsese loves actors that can improvise and add to the script. Actors that appear in his films also tend to catch the eyes of other directors and writers. About time is not the most fascinating in terms of script but as we learned from Barnaby, British romance is a great way to get back the audience Pattinson stole from Bas.
WirelessGrapes
I like the implications that set up Jonah’s insecurity here. The line about working lunches “agreeing with him” and talking about enjoying people getting a listen to his work before it’s ready really underlies the idea that Jonah wants attention. And then he gets slapped in the face with the fact that he isn’t as big of a deal as he thinks
McLuvin
With the Spy Comedy romance for Netflix he’s planning this would’ve been, and whatever project he may replace it with (I proposed About Time above) would be, the fifth comedy he’s made. Which means hopefully after those he’ll do some more serious drama like Whiplash or Silence.
McLuvin
So Bas has missed out on The Other Guys AND 21 Jump Street…so maybe he could go for something smaller? Like About Time? That made over 60 million in profit on a 12 million budget, and included Margot Robbie. He needs Something to pair with Limitless directly after Harry Potter after all. A rom-com to go with his absurdist comedies could be good. Edit: Maybe he could do both? About Time’s production was after Limitless’ release and would give him time to do his Netflix Spy Rom-com AND allow for another movie. Maybe Rock of Ages? It flopped but he could try and change that, it would team him up with Cruise again and he has an in via Warner Bros.
Relayed
A new project from the ground up would probably wont come into fruition for at least 5 years. More if it's a high budget project. Potter would have been a good place for this type of networking to happen. Another way to network is by doing smaller movies with a small cast with a potential for success. But Bas seems to want to focus on staring in potential blockbusters for the next few years. His age is also big factor as most leading roles that cater to it are small budget coming of age films.
David Karlsson
I know he should try to be professional and not take insult but I can't blame him if he chooses someone else. That meeting was just humiliating all around
David Karlsson
Maybe Bas should try to network somehow with directors who can write him roles in future? Seems there's slim pickings for his age and image. But he'll be back on set after this premiere I believe
David Karlsson
Well, if it's a film with one of the greats I think he would. But there aren't many like that yet unless he gets on Tarantino's radar. But he hates these franchises. Would he be biased against having Bas star in his movies? There are probably others that write a new character just to include a great actor but I'm not sure who that'd be for Bas in 2009-2012
Joshua Elotu
Thanks for the chapter! 21 Jump Street is good, but Bas at this point is the MC. He needs MC roles. Say "17 Again." Imagine Bas working to master the basketball skills required for the part.
Scott
No big loss, Bas plays second fiddle to no one anymore.
David Karlsson
I don't mind if he loses out on this. Hope he still does Limitless and the spy romance
Relayed
Don Cheadle spoke about how there are regular celebrities who get one or two fans who recognize them when they’re out in public but can mostly go on about their day without trouble. Then he spoke about celebrities like Brad Pit who can’t go out without getting swarmed. Jonah Hill probably only experienced the first type of fame while feeling on top of the world and this is probably the first time he’s experiencing the second form and understanding the vast gulf between them in terms of stardom. Plus the stranger's “I don’t care about anything that isn’t Harry Potter” paired with the complete disregard for anyone else present probably sealed the end of that deal.
Relayed
With all the projects he’s mentioned, Jonah Hill does play second fiddle in all of them. It makes sense that with the power given to him in 21 Jump Street he would prioritize being the main star or be on equal footing with his costar. I don’t know if he’s going to be able to talk his way into getting the part like Tokyo Drift this time. It probably works out better this way as after Black Dynamite, this would be his third comedy film. Specifically a role where the comedy is based on him being idiotic/clueless. Since the Potter films are on category of their own, this could result in him being typecast. He’s already shown his comedic timing and ability among other actors who specialize in comedy so there’s no need for yet another comedy so soon. Would Limitless be next or will he pivot to another film?
David Karlsson
Plottwist. the fan was Channing Tatum's girlfriend there to sabotage Bas's audition
Rivo
I think it was more how he was treated in comparison to Bas.
David Karlsson
I guess he's too famous to play second fiddle
Evilhippy
Yikes, Jonah man...
Yeno Memevig
Black Dynamite premiere should be fun I was wondering when that was
Fran
Jonah Hill isn't interested in Bas anymore because Bas wanted to escape the scene or because he was more popular than him?
Tomio
Thanks for the chappie! Man, this is great.
