BarCalak
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Chapter 47: Gutter Toast
🕑 Added 2024-09-01 04:49:50 +0000 UTCChapter 47: Gutter Toast
Empire Leicester Square, London. July 2009.
Nowhere in the world did I feel more unsafe than in a public restroom. Despite my aversion, however, I couldn’t always avoid them. They existed to fulfil a need. It wasn’t always my decision when I had to visit them; they were just an inescapable station in the circadian rhythm of my chosen lifestyle.
In other words: when you gotta go, you gotta go.
As soon as I stepped into these filthy little dungeons, the cheap fluorescent lights started flickering.
“To the left, Bas! That’s your best angle!”
“Look here! Give us a smile, love!”
“Whip it out, Bas!”
“Stag again? C’mon, when are you gonna let us have some juicy gos already?”
À propos to my analogy comparing Half-Blood Prince’s red carpet premiere to a bloody loo, it was absolutely pissing down rain. London for you.
Fedex was far from negligent. Regardless of whether I bothered paying attention to weather reports, she always had her ear to the ground, and eye on the sky. I let her keep the umbrella all to herself, though.
It was more important that she stay dry. She had a lot more work to do than I did.
Fat dollops of drizzle drenched me. The pelting rain dissolved all the product I’d wasted on my hair, and fell in rivulets down my neck and over my shoulders, soaking into my carefully curated outfit.
There was something about expensive fabrics versus nylon or polyester that made it a lot more absorbent. With every drop that fell on me, it seeped into my threads, making the clothes cling tightly to my skin.
I turned my head and cast my glance down the celebrity procession line.
It was rude to peer into the stall next to yours, but I peeked on reflex. Don’t judge me, you’ve done it, too.
Calling them child actors still would be a misnomer, so the young adults reprising their roles as the various Hogwarts students and members of the Harry Potter clique were remaking their debut after what seemed like ages.
Most of the girls certainly were enjoying the limelight. Happily heeding the paps’ directions to show off their frocks and gowns. Evanna Lynch and Karen Gillan, in particular, were garnering attention. Luna, as expected, had become a massive fan favourite. Ginny wasn’t far behind on the polls either, especially after Karen’s recent announcement that she’d be the newest companion of the newest doctor. Don’t ask Amy Pond who.
Some of the other actresses were pouting. Not for any spurned feelings, but because in the era of the duck-face, it was all too common. The blokes, on the other hand, were far less fussed, and a lot more mussed. They ribbed and elbowed each other, without a care for creases or wrinkles. Half of them awkwardly took their photo ops like they were expecting to get their passports done after this. Smile for duck’s sake.
Felton at least was behaving properly. Dark suit, coiffed hair, even a little accessorising. I finally felt like I had a comrade in fashion. Good on him, I was glad to see him try to get his face out there more - Half-Blood afforded him the greatest run time since our Chris Columbus days on the first two films.
The adult actors were far less indulgent. They’d been at this long enough for the novelty to have worn off. To them, this was just a contractual chore that was just as much of a performance as their roles.
The Robbie Coltrane, for example, was choo-choo-ing along at a clipped pace. Sign, smile, step. Sign, smile, step. Rinse and repeat ‘til he chugged all the way into the theatre.
Rupert and Emma were on business, greeting fans with practised ease. We’d all learnt over time what the perfect distance to stand was, close enough that the fans could spot the remnants of lunch in our plastic smiles, but remaining out of reach of overeager swiping hands. You never really know where people’s hands have been, and when they get a hold of you, you can almost see the germs spreading into your pores. But sometimes you had to grin and bear it.
That was sort of the established rule for successful fame. You had to be more open and vulnerable than you were, perhaps, naturally inclined.
Like peeing in a urinal, you had to unzip a little to get the job done. Fortunately for my fans, and inversely unfortunate for my personal team, I happened to be the type of weirdo who pulled both trousers and pants all the way down to my ankles just for a wee.
I knew my admirers - more than they’d ever know me (and less than they’d prefer to).
My rabid following didn’t want nebulous well wishes scribbled on paper that read like false advertisements on grimy bathroom walls that said ‘for a good time, call X0X0X69’.
Autographs requests were already becoming scarcer than tissues at the hand towel dispenser. The few who still asked for them were too old or too young to know better, while the rest were probably scalping them for pocket change on eBay.
More cameras were on me than ever, but I was slowly going to have to get used to seeing the back of heads rather than faces. It was my duty to give them a good background for their selfies.
Heavy strands of rain doused hair curtained over my eyebrows. In a motion that I’d practised more times than I cared to admit, I dragged my nails softly across my forehead, tangled my stray bangs between my fingers, and clawed it all into place. My hair was wet and slicked back as sexily as I could manage - any day now, shampoo companies would inundate me with endorsement deals.
I didn’t need to look into a mirror to see the effect my little pose had on the crowd. Their flushed faces clearly reflected the devastation my looks caused. What can I say? I am a beautiful, beautiful man.
That’s it, snap more photos, scream my name. Drink me in.
Too bad the moment you get comfortable, some desperate sod has to lose a fight with his bowels.
Cue a patron of the farts recklessly and violently spewing (verbal) diarrhoea next to me. “Bas, how about a quick interview? What do you think about the recent classification of the H1N1 swine flu as an official pandemic by the WHO? Also, have you been to any other events recently? Any after parties tonight?” Honestly, what the fuck? Do I look like Ja Rule to this entertainment reporter?
Might as well answer with the same level of stupidity. “Well, I received Stephen Hawking’s invitation to his time traveller’s ball, but I didn’t have enough space in my schedule. And as far as respiratory pandemics go, I don’t know, I’ll worry about it in ten years. Practice hygiene, people.” Speaking of, time to wash my hands of this inanity.
Moving almost on instinct, my mischief immediately guided me to my target.
With his salt and pepper hair and cheesy smile, Alan Rickman was looking distinctly un-Snape-ish. So as the saint of adding fuel to fanfiction fire, I gave the fans what they so longingly craved.
Standing in front of the marquee with his umbrella overhead to shield him, my dear old mentor was looking far too happy and dry for his own good. Such a shame - see, this is what happens when I’m not around enough. Spoils them. Better fix it.
I swooped in under his parasol, threw one soggy arm around his neck, “Scuzi,” while the other borrowed his brightly coloured stole so I could dab away some of my moisture. “Cheers!”
“In…” credible? Inspirational? Indefatigable? In- ”solent!” His drawl and stare tended to be whip cracks on their own. Thwack! Didn’t mean he’d hesitate to physically reprimand me with a nice meaty smack on the back of my head.
“I take it you missed me, then?” Our love was rampant and undeniable.
“Not in the slightest.” Though he winged me, he still kept me under it when he draped his own arm around me. Noticeably brushing off a few stray droplets off my collar.
Even as his love tap knocked my hair out of style, I wasn’t worried about my vision being obscured at all. Not even the thunderstruck squall of flashing lights could impair my sight.
Despite the darker tone of the movies, the colour grading meant I could be half blind and still see what was happening on screen.
–
Forty Thousand Feet High, The Atlantic Ocean. July 2009.
My sweet agony continued in my first-class cabin suite.
The studio was footing the bill for this, so my conveyance allowance could only go so far.
London was merely the first stop in my global torture tour. LA was next. At least I’d get a couple days of layover before being shipped off over the Pacific.
“Oh, dear! My apologies, Mr Rhys. We keep bumping into each other; these dimmed lights make it so difficult to navigate sometimes, don’t they? One can hardly see anything.” The air hostess in attendance for our cabin flew into me on my approach to Fedex’s seat. She was keeping her voice down, mindful not to disturb the handful of other passengers fast asleep in their pods. So, naturally, she pressed herself up against me, and used whispering as an excuse to practically French kiss my ear with her breathy voice.
The aisle was narrow, but not that narrow. Her bouquet lingered even after she’d copped a handful and squeezed past.
“Bold, a little nutty. Great legs.”
As I watched her saunter away, I couldn’t help but admire her tight hair bun and (somehow) tighter skirt. “I’ll say.”
“I was talking about the wine.” True enough, I caught Fedex expertly swirling a glass of red in her seat. She took a sip. “Mm…. Almost as palatable as your performance on the red carpet today. Good job. Get some rest though, please. You’ll need to repeat it.”
“I know. I will. Just antsy is all. Having a hard time falling asleep, so I thought that maybe discussing the details of our talk show prep again might soothe me.” I’d not just been counting sheep; it had gotten to where I’d caught, shorn, and turned them into lambskin coats.
“Sure, if it will help you relax. The team has postponed your plan to film with Conan. Universal is not anywhere near done with construction, so we will go with plan B - and film the remote once you are back on set. As for your, Ms Watson’s, and Mr Grint’s upcoming joint interview with Ellen, I’ve secured a more accurate version of the segments and questions she has for you three than the one her team sent us.”
“The wonders of disgruntled staff, I take it?” Who would have thought that a chat show host had an even chattier back stage crew? No, sarcasm wasn’t the lowest form of comedy, but the next event on my promotional itinerary certainly was.
“Perceptive as ever, Mr Rhys. But you need not fret, everything is well in hand. Like this Barolo, you need time to breathe, too. So, return to your seat and grab a glass.”
“Good to know. Not really in the mood right now.” Hearing what I wanted to, I began making my way back.
“Well, if you have an appetite for something else, you may… indulge. Our hostess will no doubt bring you anything you desire, if only you ask. You may rest assured that no one here will discover you taking a snack.”
Oh? What was she-? Ooooh! “I, uh…. might take you up on that.” A wingman on a plane - there was a joke in there somewhere.
“Buon compleanno.” Fedex tipped her glass at me, and I nearly tripped on the return to my chair.
Barely a moment after I’d pressed the call sign, the hostess arrived. “Can I get you anything, Mr Rhys? Warm nuts? How about something else from the pantry if you’re peckish?”
She knelt beside me, more inside my pod than in the corridor. The low angle meant I got a bird’s-eye-view of her cleavage. Helped along by the fact that she started fanning her conspicuously unbuttoned top half. No way her uniform was up to code right now. “My mouths actually quite dry, at the moment.”
“Ah, thirsty, are we?” she invited herself fully inside my compartment. Her hand slithered up the inside of my thigh while her regulation heels simultaneously toed the sliding door shut. “I have just the remedy. How does a nice warm cup of milk sound?”
Her seduction had rendered me monosyllabic. “Moo.” Was all I could get out. Someone get this dairy cow a bucket because I needed to cross it off the fucking list.
She giggled. “Very well, then. Fasten you seatbelts.”
“Are we expecting turbulence?” Please, please, please say yes.
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Becoming a card-carrying member of the mile high club was a hell of a way to celebrate my birthday. And because of the time-zone shift, I got to cut my cake twice.
Ironically, I was flying Virgin.
Comments
David Karlsson
Very few kids would have the discipline to go sugarfree or miss out on games and tech upgrades for years to maybe be a millionaire later haha. And then there's always "eh, I can buy them for 10$ each later."
Uncle Snoo
While I don't know what plans you have for Bas, if there's one movie I feel he absolutely should not miss out on, it's Whiplash. The movie is as intense as Hollywood gets. It's a small indie production, so acquiring it for Netflix shouldn't be a problem. Besides, to have a Netflix exclusive that wins 3 Oscars is too big an opportunity to give up on. Ntm, the director/screenwriter is the same one as La La Land. That's a big bonus.
Bar Calak
It took me till 2008 to convince my parents just to get wifi in the house - no way was i gonna convince them to drop money on crypto lol
Bar Calak
Evolved into lip fillers in the modern age
Catherine Colin
I had the opportunity to buy $700 usd in 2011 but i bought a bunch of crap instead. I remember reading a wired article about it and thought they could be useful. Even got some free ones that i have never been able to acess from money sinks and online surveys when they were worthless.
Bar Calak
Gotta be a tinfoil conspiracy theorist hyperfocused on Bas somewhere
Bar Calak
Had to happen. Air hostesses have always been a fantasy of his haha
Bar Calak
Id been a bit more conservative with the manwhorish nature of Bas for fear of overloading the story with unnecessary horniness - so im defo glad you arent turned off by that aspect of Bas (and i feel anybody in his position would be). Hope you enjoyed Conan!
Bar Calak
Youtube video essays abound
Bar Calak
Money wise its sort of the second potential lottery after the 2008 crash bas can take advantage of sure. God knows how many of us have had sleepless nights wondering where we'd be if we invested early on haha. If i do go for it i'll have to find some way to make it interesting
Bar Calak
Tempting.... Think of the scandal
Bar Calak
Thankfully my second specialty is resonating with you! Maybe I wasnt clear in the text but I was sayng that despite Bas' vision being impaired he'd still have an easy time watching the film because the colour grading had also been fixed
Bar Calak
Hopefully it lived up to half the expectation haha
Bar Calak
Monkey see, monkey doo-doo
Bar Calak
From a story standpoint I think crypto could make for an interesting financial mini arc. Making it an interesting read though would be on me. If i go for it I'm really gonna have to work hard haha
Bar Calak
I just saw that! How incredibly flattering and generous. I have to thank them personally for their consideration and find a way to pay them back.
Bar Calak
Great ideas in this discussion. While i cant say if I'll go for those specfifc roles, it does help me formulate the type of roles people might look forward to seeing bas in!
Bar Calak
Its so flattering that you think Bas has the power/wit to combat to the years of incompetence and corruption that led to that tragedy.
David Karlsson
There are dozens of disasters every year. It'd feel contrived if he's coincidentally at the right place often. He's already saved Alan Rickman, Steve Irwin, Maggie Smith, Emma Watson and Jack Black.
Uncle Snoo
Bas as Flynn? Might just work. I agree that's a good idea. Unless he's got a heavy voice. I think Limitless is pretty much confirmed for 2011. Though I hope he tries to improve on the script. A Wolf of Wall street like rise and fall would probably be more dramatic. Clever use of his powers too hopefully. Idk. While the movie was good there was much left to be desired. I think for 2012, Bas takes it easy after HP and just goes with 21 Jump Street. There's also Les Misérables. Can probably squeeze in a small role in that. But that's a musical so probably not. Starting 2013, he works on changing his child actor/Harry Potter image and tries to go for an R rated movie. Gives Wolf of Wall Street a go but there's no way he takes the lead from Leo. 2nd choice could probably be Chris Hemsworth role in Rush. I think he can definitely take it since the role is for a British playboy racer. Could even push for it to be the first Netflix exclusive.
Rhyalys
Thanks for the chapter! Great as always. You know I was just checking some old news about the sinking of MV Sewol in South Korea that happened in 2014, it’s be great if Bas could “coincidentally” be there on a yacht when it happens, to save all the students…
Jellyfish Rogers
Love your ‘Joker’ idea, but I was brainstorming about the immediate future - 2010, 2011, 2012 and 13 ‘Tangled’ is my favorite Disney movie and Flynn rider, drawn to look like Bas would be fun to read about. Read they drew Flynn by asking women what features of a man they find hot. Having a poll, where women ultimately choose a drawn Bas, instead of a drawn Flynn Rider, would be a fun chapter ‘Drive’, is another movie I love rewatching and having Bas replace Ryan Gosling as its lead, would be an amazing watch Having him play the male lead in ‘Silver Lining Playbook’ alongside a chaotic and colorful actress like Jennifer Lawrence. It would definitely earn him an Oscar nom, at the very least. Having him star in a ‘Black Mirror’ episode Or as a recurring character in ‘Parks and Recreation’ or ‘Brooklyn 99’
Uncle Snoo
Bas is planning on competing with Disney through Netflix Studios. There's no way they offer him a role in MCU. Rather, he should probably take 2019 Joker instead. Though he might be a bit too young and good-looking, that's nothing a bit of make up and dieting to look sickly can't solve. That's his Oscar ticket. On top of that, his future internet even has Joaquin's performance he can learn from or compare himself with. Probably should make use of it.
Jellyfish Rogers
Bas Rhys would make a great Loki. Maybe have Neil Gaiman enter the project. He did write Marvel 1602, and I loved the issue. Would love to see what changes such a writer would bring to the Thor Movies Bas Rhys as Flynn Rider in ‘Tangled’, would be awesome. Maybe animate Flynn to look like Bas. It would be great marketing Sometimes I imagine Bas winning an Oscar for his portrayal as Harry Potter.
Philip
I got a notification from this other patreon, Dragonspectre, that they recommended checking you out as an author, which is wild
Catherine Colin
Bas wouldn’t even have to do much he could even build a PS3 super computer and just have it mining in like a warehouse as soon as he’s not getting any coins literally shuts it down and deep freezes everything until 2017 or 18 or 21 whenever it hit its highestand then slowly sell
Catherine Colin
Again, I never said anything about crypto. I specifically said only bitcoin. The only cryptocurrency that actually mattered everything else was pretty much a scam that came after..
A Simple Pilgrim
Personally I don’t think Bas should get into crypto for several reasons 1) he doesn’t need the money, there’s other opportunities for similar amounts of return, and a very large early investment by a celebrity could distort the market and make another coin succeed 2) It would be horrible publicity in the era of celebrity crypto scams, and even if he is never involved in those, a celebrity who got rich partially off crypto will get associated with that. He doesn’t need that considering the amount of bad press from left wing media over him being rich in the first place 3) Bas appears to genuinely care about his fans and wouldn’t want a bunch of them to financially ruin themselves trying to follow his footsteps
Secret Weapons
I really hope he shits in his hand and throws it in Ellen's face.... metaphorically.... probably.
Catherine Colin
I didn’t say crypto i said bitcoin. The thing that went from nothing in in 09 to almost $70k in less than 15 years. Even a 100 bitcoins sold at the highest would be $7 million and bas has to do nothing but get a rig to start mining. Eventually stop when there, and just store his wallet in a safety deposit box.
pbluekan
What a great way to be investigated by the IRS. He can make more money than he could ever need buying a minor stake in NVIDIA, or buy a majority stake in Tesla, or tell Elon to take a shit and start SpaceX. Hell, he can make more Notice the rash of scams and scandals with crypto. Better to just not, when he can make way too much money being legitimate.
Philip
big fan of conan here, would love to see him as great uncle bilius who died from seeing a grim or something funny in the movies but a typical conan remote would probably be funnier anyways. to whoever recommended the time travel party in the earliest chapters, congrats dude
David Karlsson
True, this was probably July 15th when HBP was released. I wonder if the time travel party was common knowledge yet? They wrote an article on it in autumn iirc
A Simple Pilgrim
The time travel party invites went out on 29th June, and this chapter is July so he isn’t breaking the 4th wall just yet
Uncle Snoo
I don't think there were many bitcoins in circulation in 2009 or even much of a market. He can ask Ben to set up a mining rig and collect 100k BTC easily before it blows up. Even if Ben doesn't know its true value, a mining rig at the time wouldn't even cause a dent in Bas finances. In fact, a smarter move would be to become a major shareholder for Coinbase like he did for Netflix and Uniqlo. He also owns stocks for Amazon right? If not, he needs to do so ASAP.
Kieran M
Thank you
David Karlsson
Really liked the wordplay in this chapter. Shame he couldn’t fix the colour grading but they can maybe keep it the same for DH so it doesn't go all GoT S8 like our timeline
Pope Yoda I
I'm eagerly anticipating MC checking into a VD clinic for a penicillin shot while in disguise.
Catherine Colin
I think Bas is gonna need to start getting some bitcoins soon
David Karlsson
The conspiracy people will go nuts
Rivo
You know, I was listening to Conan's podcast the other week and Daniel Radcliffe was on it. Conan mentioned how he was weirdly very proud of Dan and how he turned out post-Potter, even though he had nothing to do with it whatsoever. He also mentioned how he loves the Fast Franchise movies... especially after they got ridiculous. Anyway, even though the appearance on Ellen is probably going to be cathartic, I'm much more looking forward to the Conan remote. Also, I love to see Bas being a total slut.
GetRektNuub
Damn. Bas joined the Mile High Club too. My man!
Evertime
Time traveller party mentioned, once covid hits people are gonna say that his hygiene comment aged like wine, if only they knew
David Karlsson
Ah... the duck face. Nostalgia
