spottyjaguar
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Life Update - The past 9 months (and the next)
🕑 Added 2019-08-25 23:34:11 +0000 UTC9/3 EDIT - Just bumping this a bit since to go along with posting it publicly, and since I know emails get lost. I've also added a small addendum (in bold) near the bottom of the post. More good stuff, though. The body of the post hasn't changed, so if you've already read this, you can just skip to the bottom haha.
Original post:
Pictured: Tug's girlfriend, Sheila, with one of her Great Dane puppies.
Hey everyone, I know I've been in and out lately, so this is just a life update ♥ This is also a public post.
If you're super new to my work, this might not mean much to you, but if you've followed me for a while, or if you’re one of my clients, it may give some insight. I've had a lot of problems in the past year, but financial trouble has been the most severe and chronic, by far. There's been familial, or health-related, or social stress, too, but those usually have something to do with money anyway.
I have generally been very quiet about my personal life and how it impacts my work, to keep up appearances, but I don't think it's doing me any favors anymore.
Just as a heads-up, this is a long post haha. There is good news in the end, and I'm okay, there’s just a lot to cover.
What I've been dealing with
A struggling partner
I live with my partner, MoltenGold (AKA Namiin), but she’s been unable to work for most of the year, after suffering a devastating personal loss in February. She’s been in therapy to work through the grief, as well as some resurfacing PTSD, but her roughest times were at home, where I’ve been doing my best to support her. In sharing a space with her throughout this, feeling her pain, and at one point taking care of housework, cooking, and cleaning as well as all of my other responsibilities, there were several weeks this year where I wasn’t able to work either, and several more where I couldn't work at full capacity. This would be hard under any circumstances, but it was doubly so when supporting us both financially fell mostly on my shoulders.
Namiin’s PTSD and mental health has been the biggest and most consistent barrier to work, for me - this year, but in 2018 and 2017 as well. The loss she experienced this year just exacerbated existing issues, especially since not being able to work was a horrible experience for her in its own right.
This is something I’ve been especially secretive about, for the sake of her privacy, because it’s not my pain to share, no matter how it affects me. I have her permission to write about it today, though, and I’m happy to say that a lot of it is in the past, certainly the worse parts. Namiin is still healing, but doing so much better recently, and I'm proud of her for how far she's come. There's been a lot of good along with the bad, too. If she had to go through it again, I would still want to be there for her.
My mother's health
Completely on the other side of my life, another struggle is my mother. I’m not on good terms with her, but once I moved out a few years ago, her health started to decline. She’s been in and out (mostly in) a rehabilitation facility for the past year due to chronic issues with her legs. Right now she has pretty much no use of them - she can’t walk or even stand on her own - and yet has been insistent on leaving, unwilling to accept how dangerous that would be since she lives alone.
She is not insane or otherwise unable to make decisions for herself, just stubborn. It’s a long story, and I don’t fully blame her, but it is exhausting. I have been fighting to get her to stay and accept the care she needs, while also dealing with her house while she's away, including covering some of her bills since she's on a fixed income, and including when her power bill spiked this last winter due to freezing temperatures. This is another situation that hits me twice - time I lose dealing with it is time I cannot spend doing work that will pay for it.
Income taxes
Sliding more into pure financials, Income taxes hit me especially hard as well. Last year I had to file for an extension/payment plan that lasted late into the year, and this year, I paid not only mine, but Namiin's as well, due to her condition. I'm still recovering from that.
Social life catch 22s
The last of the big things is that, in May we had company over for pretty much the whole month. While this wasn't a direct financial strain (they actually helped us quite a bit in that regard), it was a big chunk of time I didn't work. I needed that break desperately, and don’t regret it, it's also just another thing to make up for... and every time I try to rebound from things like that, it's a struggle not to let my let my relationships or other responsibilities fall to the way-side.
It has been one thing after another, haha.
The impact it has on my work
Those who have followed me for a while know that I have a sizable backlog of commissions I’ve already been paid for. I hate that I've been making people wait pretty much indefinitely like this, so a few years ago, I decided I wouldn’t put any more commissions on that backlog. Instead, I limited myself to just sketches that were priced higher to be fast-tracked. It’s not my favorite system, but it felt better than just making that list of people waiting longer and longer.
Honestly, that worked alright, for a little while! I was taking one at a time, and I could balance new work and old work, getting both done at an okay pace.
Now, though, not so much.
My only reliable income is what you all support me with on Patreon, and since that doesn’t cover all of my expenses each month, I expected I would need to take at least a commission or two every couple weeks. However, with my financial situation getting more and more dire, I’ve needed to take even more just to stay afloat. The stress of that extra workload, combined with everything else I’ve mentioned so far, not only drains me physically, but leaves me barely any time to work on my backlog. I technically make progress, but in a"one step forward, two steps back" kind of way.
The past few months, I’ve been stuck in this loop
- Prioritize my backlog, knowing it’s important
- Put off taking new work to try and make as much progress as I can
- Find out a bill is so overdue there’s a disconnect notice, or we’re dangerously low on food
- Finally, take on new work
- Prioritize that, until it’s done, so those clients get the fast turn around I charged them for
- Repeat
I feel like I’m being dramatic to put it that way, but if I look at my life recently, that’s how I’ve been living.
My backlog is large (about 30 pieces), old (the newest item on it has been there for over a year), and deeply important to me. Not only as a matter of business, since art is my job, but as a personal endeavor, since art is my life.
A lot of artists can very understandably come to dread commissions, as they get in the way of personal projects, but I have never considered myself one of them. Commissions may ultimately become a smaller percentage of my work, but I can’t imagine getting rid of them entirely, and I don’t see my backlog a roadblock or a burden. I love my job, and I love getting the privilege to work with so many different people. The commitments I've made mean a lot to me.
Not being able to work on my backlog kills me… and I’ve gotta think that waiting with pretty much no idea why I haven’t been able to work on it is killing my clients. That’s a big part of why I’m making this post.
Breaking the cycle
Could I work more? More efficiently? Absolutely, and I’m trying to all the time. I work hard almost every day; I’ve been at risk of burnout a few times this year.
Could I charge more, so I take on less? Probably, but that only fixes part of the problem - I’m all for pricing to account for limited supply and high demand, and I might ultimately do that, but that’s not what it would be if I upped my prices right now. I just don’t want to do it that way.
I’ve cut out a lot of leisure time and activities that cost money, but this is still tough, even if I have a perfect week without any off days or surprises. And those kind of weeks are not that common. I have nothing to fall back on at this point - I can't keep putting things on my credit card; I have no savings - if I had an emergency tomorrow, I would just need to take more work on some kind of way, and dig this hole deeper.
I just need to change my situation; nothing about this is sustainable.
Good news - room to breathe
Told you there was some!
This has been a hard post to write. I’ve been afraid to talk about what I actually deal with for a long time, after seeing horror stories of artists being harassed or seen as unprofessional for doing so. I know those are usually artists handling it very differently than I am, I guess that fear has just been haunting me. I feel like I need to be open with people, though, if only because it's been so long for those people on my backlog with no word.
But I also just... want to. You guys do so much for me, I want to be up front with you.
I want to get out of the situation I’ve been in. I just want to create more and worry at least a little less, and Namiin does too.
So, last week, Namiin and I reached out to some friends and family for help, and, thankfully, it looks like we’ll be getting it. Namiin’s family, along with a close friend of ours, will be giving us some funds on a regular basis, so that neither of us are scrambling. Another friend and client of mine helped out with a lump sum. On top of that, I was able to lower one of my mother’s bills, and have her pay it (comfortably for her income) instead, so that's a chunk of money I don't have to worry about anymore.
In the face of everything else I’ve written here, it feels like small changes, but doing the math tells me it… will actually make a big difference. For the second time this year, things aren’t overdue, for the first time in quite a few years, all of our living expenses should be covered without either of us having to break our necks or pile on new work.
It’s just the basics - rent, power, internet, food - but it’s… a lot more security than we’ve had in years, and we have it for the foreseeable future.
It. Feels pretty good, to be honest.
My backlog, extra income, and the future
I haven’t been drawing much this week, due to lots of errands and wanting to get this written up as soon as possible, but I can already feel so much less stress looking at our expenses, even with the same huge workload I’ve always had. It's hard to put into words how much financial stress can interfere with, well, everything.
Right now I have 5 of those fast-tracked sketch commissions I want to finish first, with some half-finished backlog work in between them. When the new stuff is all done, then everything else will get done in order, like I originally planned.
Alongside this update, I’ve been theorizing ways to manage my backlog better, specifically in regard to communication. I have some ideas - primarily to stop juggling so many different things at once, which should be much easier now - and I hope I can start implementing that next month. For now, I just wanted to get this post up, so that when I next reach out to everyone, I can at least give them the option of knowing why things have taken so long.
As far as the future is concerned, I’m gonna be looking harder into merch and other (relatively) passive income forms. Twitter seemed to really like that wolfhound I drew, so I’m going to get her ready for pre-orders, and hopefully from that experience I’ll get much more comfortable with the idea of making and selling more prints. I have an idea for a mule deer (based on an old piece), and the other day I came up with something cute for Paige… All minis (5x7”), so I don’t get overwhelmed.
I’m looking into some kind of digital art stuff I can put on Gumroad, too. I’m a little less confident about this one, but I’m sure I’ll think of something, haha.
Another thing I'm working on is some upgrades to my Patreon. Those VIP tiers, some goals, and other fun things. I've grown a lot here in the past couple weeks (holy shit, there's so many of you), so I guess if I just keep doing what I'm doing I'll see where you all take me <3
I’ll keep you posted!
I will still take new commissions, just much more on my own terms, when I know I can put aside the time. I might use this to experiment with things like sketch YCHs and auctions. Mayyybe some adoptables, since I always say I want to do some and then never try.
And as always, we're continuing to make life and work changes so that we can both take as much advantage of this as we can. Namiin and I recently started eating better and committing to daily walks, and even just those two changes already make us feel so much more productive, energized, and clear-headed
Needless to say, if nothing else, I will have a lot of art to post in the following weeks.
If you’d like to help
Our essentials will be covered, and I think things will go up from here, but I still have other expenses to cover, like chipping away at this credit card debt, building a savings for emergencies (or at least next year’s taxes), and getting some more/better furniture and equipment. We’ve lived here for almost 3 years and still don’t have a night stand by the bed, haha.
I never want people to feel obligated to help me, since even though a lot of my situation has been outside of my control, I consider it my responsibility to fix and improve it. That said, I feel part of being responsible is being able to admit when I‘m over my head, and that’s something I haven’t done a great job at. So while I feel weird including this section, it almost feels dishonest not to, after detailing just how overwhelmed I've been.
So far, commissions have been the most weighty support I receive, and I get why. I love to do them, and I figure it’s easier to give when you get something really tangible in return. But since they'll be few and far between, and they're expensive anyway, here are some other ways you can help me out.
For this or anything else, you can always reach out to me via email (spottyJag@gmail.com), or via Twitter DM or FA note.
Recurring support
For current patrons who want to do more, you can up your pledge, but please don’t feel any pressure to do more than you already do for me. The fact that you’re here is more than enough.
If you’re just a follower, and would like to help me out, then pledging even a buck or two does that. The small pledges here do SO much for us - in the words of Alasdair, host of Pseudopod, of one of my favorite podcasts, every dollar pledged is one dollar I don’t have to go searching for, and that adds up to a lot more than you may think.
If you’d like to give monthly support, but don't want to use Patreon, I can that set up for you, just ask.
One-time tips
If you prefer to send me money just once - whatever amount you like - via Ko-fi (increments of $3), or PayPal.me (you can set it to "friends and family" if you don't want fees taken out).
If you feel extra fancy, tip with StreamLabs. If you leave a message when you do, it'll be displayed at the top of my screen when I’m live on Picarto. It shows the most recent message, currently.
All of my patrons have access to my Discord, but if you send a one-time tip, then you’re also welcome to join and chat with my supporters and I there. Having this server has been such a great boon to my mental health, and I feel so fulfilled interacting with you guys there. Just message me after you’ve sent something!
Supporting without cash
If you don’t have anything to spare, then I definitely get that, haha. You can still help me out by doing things like replying to my art tweets (apparently the algorithm favors that), or RTing or liking them. Hell, just telling other people about my art goes a long way - I grow mostly by word of mouth from amazing people like you.
I also love to receive messages from you guys, even if it’s just to say hi and that you like my work. I can’t reply to all of them, but I got a handful when I was under fire for my darker art, in January, and they really helped me pull through the stress of it all.
In closing
Jesus this has been a long post, haha.
If you don’t feel capable of supporting me at all, that’s okay! I’ve gotten to meet a lot of cool people this year alone, and knowing that you take time out of your busy day means so much to me, even if it’s just to say hello. I love being a part of this fandom, and I love being able to contribute to it. I would not be anywhere without all of you.
And last, but not least, if you managed to read all of this, then seriously thank you. Like, thank you just for that. I know this is a crazy amount of text haha.
You are all amazing, and happy August ♥
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9/3 Addendum - Since I originally posted this, a few people have reached out to help us. I was touched by their kindness - both for the impact it made, and for the way it opened my eyes to just how long I had completely closed myself off from accepting help. Molten and I are certainly in a much better position than we were last week, and things are no longer so dire, but I think it's important for me to allow others the opportunity to give, so if reading this post makes you want to help as well, you can. Whether it's a pledge, tip, or just kind words, it still does us a lot of good.
Thank all of you so much for your support ♥
