letodoesart
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im getting help
🕑 Added 2024-08-24 15:00:26 +0000 UTCthis is a difficult topic for me to talk about
but as some of you may know, i wasnt planning on coming back last night.
taking it from the start, ive lost so many people around me, close ones.
first my cat back in 2011, he was my world, i was incredible happy to have him, his name was Rampus, and he acted more like a dog than a cat for some reason, always meeting me after i got back from school, feeling alone, my cat made me feel like i was wanted.
i did homework while he was watching, we slept together, ran around the house while he chased me.
all this to be taken away after grandmother and mom said they found my cat after being gone for a few days, he had been ran over by a car and was laying in the ditch for who knows how long.
my world was crashing ontop of me literally.
i fell into severe depression, in 2011, dropping out of school, laying in bed all day for a week, not wanting to get up at all, just waiting to die as well, i didnt eat for a whole week, 7 days no food.
i was hoping to pass from starvation, my stomach started to literally hurt so much it felt like something was digging in there with pitch forks, it was one of the most painful things i had experienced,
until mom mentioned she had cooked one of my favorite dishes, i couldnt go without food any longer, i wanted to eat so badly.
mom saved me that day.
3 years later, my sister knocked on my bedroom door, i was talking with new friends i had met online, gaming and having fun.
this stopped abruptly after my sister told me our dad had passed away, i literally thought she was joking but when she started breaking down, i understood the severity of this situation, i had already made plans to call him on fathers day just to tell him i miss him and hoping he's doing okay, i hadnt talked to him for 5 years after my family and i, except my dad, moved back to my home town, separating us which i never thought would become "forever".
i just didnt want to live in the other city, where i got physically bullied in school, had no friends, felt so lost and awkard with my childhood friends asking me to come back to my hometown, which happened half a year after moving.
my family tried to do what was best and i was so ungrateful for it, i still blame myself today for separating my family because of my own issues, which lead to my dad falling into depression and ending his own life to alcohol with medication overdose, least thats what we think happened, no autopsy was performed, but he had a record of trying to end it before the same way where he literally had to get his stomach pumped to save his life.
if only i got another chance to see my dad, i would do anything to try help him.
2 years later, the guy, the man, i used to bond so well with in my childhood, going fishing, helping him stack wood and who taught me to use a snow plower at young age.
my only step-grandpa which i just called grandpa, had passed away, i knew his time was arriving so it was understandable, he was old, even older even in his 60-70s because of heavy smoking every single day.
i still miss him, dad and my cat, and i will continue to miss them for the rest of my life, and thats what hurts the most.
few years later, my childhood friend, my last local friend, moved to america permanently, i just wanted them to be happy, living their life, even tho it was losing my only physical interraction i would have left with a friend, it hurt but knowing they'll have it better, made me happy.
this was the time i fell into deep isolation depression, no one but my family to interract with,
every single day i put on a fake smile for my online friends, online community and my family, i didnt want people to question my depression as i tried everything in my power to distract myself from it.
2022, we had to put our oldest cat named Leo, down due to financials, it was either a 8-9k usd surgery for a what, like 10% chance he would live and get better or just pass away on the operation table, and that is money me and my family don't have at all.
so we all had to make the hardest choice in our lives to put our beloved Leo down, he was in my arms when the vet injected him, knowing i would be the last human ever to hold him alive was incredible difficult thing to experience.
2 years later, current year of 2024.
my grandma called me 1st of january, mentioning she's currently in hospital, because she had fell outside of her house by the road, she mentioned she had been laying on the snowy cold ground for a while, whilst cars just passed by, not stopping to help her up.
not until her neighbor noticed her on the ground, she had broken one of her bones, hence she couldnt get up on her own.
during the phone call, i was also going through my first covid.
my granny told me she would love to have me visit after she got out of hospital and i after i got better from covid, so we can eat our favorite dish again together because it had been a while.
she would always talk about how she's hungry for the dish known for being lightly salted cod with bacon, potatos, lingonberry.
i was looking forward to it.
we hung up after i told her i love her which she returned to me.
this would be the last ever phone call we had.
few days after surgery, she was told she could go home.
less than 24 hours after she got home, she got incredible sick, blood poisoning sick.
she was rushed back to the hospital for the last time, where she then passed away hours after.
all this due to one small piece of ice she stepped on, life truly is unforgiving sometimes.
everyone i loved was being torn away from me.
i only have my mom and my two sisters and nephew left, im getting older, the rest of my family is getting older, and besides my family, what else do i have to live for?
i dont have any pets, or my own family, or friend or girlfriend, anything to live for.
theres a difference between my family i grew up from, and my own family i would grow old with.
but since i have none of that, at 30 years old and feeling incredible alone.
this is where i decided i needed to end it due to getting fully exhausted.
all this above, was just the top of the ice berg of what ive gone through.
now to my current situation.
---------------
i left my apartment past 12 am last night, i took my electric kick scooter to where i was gonna end it, but something made me steer in the other direction towards the graveyard, i was not hesitating, as i didnt even think much of it.
after i arrived the graveyard, i went directly to my dads grave, sat ontop and just cried, asking for help, i was so lost.
during this one hour of constant, overwhelming waves of severe panic attacks, just unable to move, i saw weird faint glows moving around in the graveyard, for some reason i felt more safe than afraid, and i dont believe in ghosts, i still dont.
after an hour i finally called ems, once the ems arrived, we talked a little then transported me to the ambulance and took me to the emergency room, where i got to talk with a doctor for a while.
we set up plans where i will be getting an appointment with my doctor on monday to further talk about my issues.
i still feel like i need to die, but least i dont have crippling panic attacks like last night, it was incredible severe.
i never cried directly to other people, but the ems and doctor got to see that side of me unfortunately.
im sorry i worried so many of you, i just couldnt control myself.
-Leto
Comments
Kris
I wish you all the best in life 🫂💜
GriffinPhillis
I'm glad you're still here. 💚
Affectionate Gent
Hey, Leto, I'm arriving late to this party and we haven't met yet, I just joined today. But I wanted to tell you that you have my support and i hope things have gotten much much better in the last 2 months. I was in the hospital for SI earlier this year. I have a sense of what you're going through and I feel for you. Hang in there. Take joy in the little things, in the art you make, and live life a day at a time. Hugs!!
Dumb
I feel for ya man. SI and depression are nothing to joke about. Glad your getting help and I wish you luck in your recovery. Trust the process and be open and honest with your care team. Medication and holistic care are sometimes necessary for you to tackle your symptoms, but spiritual care is also important. You are a very talented artist and I've always been impressed by your work. It sounds like you have a lot of trauma you're working through and I pray that you overcome it. I hope you have or will get the social support network you need, people who love and care about you and want to see you do well. Good luck homie!
Todd
For me just letting the pain out and having a good cry always helps! It’s never good trying to hold it all down.. I’ve done it and it ended poorly. The people we love most will always be there to hold us while we are down, Talking is the best medicine, it may never heal the wound but it definitely helps soothe the pain it may cause! We as a Community love you Leto and we will always be here for you whenever you need it ❤️
Lucius Crusan
Hey, I know how you feel. Depression and suicidal thoughts sucks. I’ve lost my cat, my stepbrother, my mom and my stepmom around me. I still tear up everyday thinking about them and it’s really hard to keep going after losing someone you love! I’ve been to jail twice when I thought about ending it all. Therapy will help you during this time, if you EVER need someone to talk to, we’re all here for you. I’m also on discord if you want to chat “Ltc97” I really do love your art and I hope you get the best help you need soon. Remember talking to someone (even if you don’t know them) can help make a difference if they’re great listeners.
Leto
We both needs to be strong and get through this. As well as everyone else who has attempted or wish to attempt, calling EMS was the hardest things I did but I'm somewhat more relieved now that some professionals are aware of my situation and checks up on me. Do the same, if you need help, 911 or EMS is there to help, not only for physical injuries, but for mental struggles as well.
SpaceWhiteFox
Pain has no boundaries... Don't lose yourself. Get well soon 💙
Kiruzune
I can relate to this feeling more than I wish. I also just have my mother and sister left, but our family became so disbanded that neither of us talk anymore. My dad is probably still alive, but I know he got into prison for "interacting" with minors. Battling with the thought daily that I'm his offspring. Same as well I've got no friends irl nor do I have many online. The constant mood swing I got due to my problems, make me lose a lot friends, rarely did anyone stick around. Sometimes I opened up about my problems. They tell me they are here for me, but they all always turn away or even against me. Those people knew very well about my situation and my life, the feeling of constant betrayal made me very... isolated nowadays. That I write is unusual, and that much even more. Without meeting my boyfriend, now husband, I honestly do not know where I would have ended up. The unimaginable pain in your chest, how I gasped for air and questioned myself every day why I continued to struggle. Today I know the answer... I never thought theres light at the end of the tunnel, until someone loved me back the same way I did. Stay strong Leto, one day you will look back at those you lost, shed a tear for the all the memories with a smile that you got to meet and spend part of your life with them. Carry on their memories and live your live. I'm sure that is what they would have wanted. And from myself, take all the time you need until you are in a better state, however long that might take. And sorry for the wall of text, do many parts felt similar to what I gone through. I also miss my cat, acted as well like a dog. Handraised him since a kitten, always cuddled next to me when I fell asleep on the couch... and so much more. And I was only allowed to have him for two years. He was killed right in front of our house, by a car. The memories vivid, but... I'm happy I got to know him in my live, although there's no day passing were I wouldn't I wish him back into my live. And for that matter also my grandma. She was my pillar until she passed away in old age, one day after new year. I was with her that very night... Anyway I'm already running like a waterfall just reliving my memories. Take care Leto! Glad you are still around.
Miku
Hey! Im proud you can be open about this and youre good now. I tried to commit last tuesday but im here now with a broken back but alive and with intentions to keep going and get help. There will always be people who care about you, things end and people come and go but there will always be someone. Ive always loved your art and you are very talented so keep onto that!
Kvin
Very happy and relieved to see you’re still with us! Depression is a terrible thing and I’m glad you are getting the help you need for it. We love ya Leto! ❤️
Cody Packer
Im sorry you had to go through all that, life can be seriously unfair and cruel, but i things will get better soon i just know it! just hang in there! I hope you feel better soon and were all here for you!
T987-A5256-B85-ZRR
You have many shoulders to lean upon, plenty of friends despite the distance, if you will only use them.
KAMU
we love u Leto! Hang in there, it gets better I promise.
Seth Iova
I really look up to your art and I'm glad you're still with us, I've lived with major depression my entire life and I know how dark things can get
Cera Treascair
Having been in that dark place, I know how hard it can be. Just want to simply say I'm glad you're still here. The world would be dimmer without you in it. Life is precious, yours included.
Peridot
I'm not very good with putting thoughts into words but me ;and everyone in the discord I was in that showed me your art (how I ended up coming here) are sending thoughts and prayers 🙏 your way. Stay strong and take your time, step by step 🫡❤️
CorWolf
It still might help to let new ones into your life, like a new cat or dog to keep you company. Even though they age faster then humans, it can be nice to give them a good home.
FarmWolf
Hugs Sending good vibes your way. ❤️
YoyoFox
You have gone through many hardships and losses. If I were you, I would feel the same way. I believe that those who left you did not leave in vain, but they wanted you to be strong. And they will love you as much as you love them. You don't have to do anything for anyone, but use your concentration and abilities to benefit yourself. I would like to cheer and encourage you that your drawing skills are very charming. You have fought hard until today. You are the best. It may be difficult to be proud, feel like something is missing. No matter how much you smile, it is not like a real smile from the heart. But please be more confident that at least you have tried to smile. And when you are stronger, that day your smile will come from the heart. You may only be hiding your weakness, but it is not wrong to feel weak. When you feel this way, try not to be alone and try to approach people around you. You may get some good encouragement, even if it is not for long, but it is better than nothing. It would be better if I was a neighbor who could go to you and hug you for a long time. I am almost 30 years old. Even though I have a boyfriend, sometimes I feel lonely. I want to have someone to love me. But don't forget that the person who knows what we need the most is ourselves. And I would like to cheer you on to find someone who loves you and is ready to be by your side in everything soon. (I'm sorry for my bad English this text above was translate from Thai to English)
Zawnbre
You are worthy of love, of happiness and of all the good things in life. Life has a way to take things that happen to us and make us feel like we're not worthy of anything good. It is hard, especially when you have so many negative things that have happened in your past, both near and far. Just know that you are wonderful, you deserve to love yourself, deserve to be able to feel love from those around you and feel good about life in general. It is a good thing that you're getting help, we all want you here, we want you to be happy and feel alive again ❤️
Combak
Thank goodness! I was worried after seeing that post last night...
Oscar
Leto..I have to let you know that I have the same feeling too as you feel..I already got false hope, discriminating, dealing my time to talk with toxic people from 2018-2022 and right now I still wasting my time to talk with toxic HRD and good HRD to get a formal job...I know my last sentence is not related with you but sometimes I have to tell you blatantly that this is a LIFE and my local people has already said to me "World does not want to know your problems, World just want you to be okay with it." This makes me everyday thinking about it and I know my words is controversial with you..but I got this feeling too about these matters which is I always every day thinking about my life..Until I have a weird dream there's a light in the forest..I know your road/way in the future might be gloomy, useless or bumpy..But believe me one day you will understand about this life and Hope you will able to find your sunshine way. That's all what I could tell you. Oscar
Siku Izoma
You are loved, Leto. Take the time to heal. We are here for you and willing to help you along the way. Best wishes, you got this!
Trevyr
That was pretty painful to read, it's horrible to see anyone go through so much without really any time to recover from one tragedy to the next. I do hope you can find the right person or people that would make you feel comfortable and happy to be here. You deserve some peace
Tyven Otter
I can understand completely the events and loss you experienced are similar to my past as well. Including the isolation, depression and desire to give up over a half dozen times as there seemed no point in going forward anymore. What kept me going was the few i had who loved me and seeing what would happen if it happened. The past was rough, but your not alone anymore. You have this wonderful community that loves and cares about you. Your a talented amazing artist who has a positive impact on others. For me it was always a treat to see new cotent being posted and it definitely made my day better and forget about my own troubles for a while. But I'm gald to hear that your getting help. The hardest thing we can do. Is talk about things so personal to us, things we never talk about with anyone except our self. When you do finally talk about it, you feel this heavy weight lift off your body and in your heart. I hope your able to experience that. That you can lift the weight that burdens you. Stay strong Leto, your not alone. Because we as a community of followers you built yourself, love you and care for you. Don't be afraid to lean on us when you need it. And Im hear if you ever need a ear to listen.
Jolly_Mon_19
I cannot imagine all you have been through but I am super proud of you for speaking about it and getting and receiving help. Those are huge steps. Know we are here to help in any way we can. We love you and hope you will improve every day 🩷
Tiger
I'm sorry about everything you've had to go through. I know all of us are here for you, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm sure everyone's door is open. I've had my fair share of depression, and I'd be glad to help someone out. <3
patient_zaero
Talking about it will help. It will get some of the weight off your shoulders, and some of the distraction to go with it. You had to deal with a lot with no way to process it properly. They will recommend therapy; talking with a trained professional at least once a week. Please attend. Give it a chance. Plus, there’s all of us here who are very grateful that you are still with us. Give yourself a goal; something to look forward to or achieve. Your therapist will help you here. Then, when you reach that goal, reward yourself. With another cat! Good luck, dude!
highandshy
I'm so sorry for everything you've been through man... we'll always be here for you Leto, take as much time as you need, we love you!
Madiso
Leto, I couldn’t imagine the pain you’re going through and the pain you’ve gone through and I’m so glad you’re still here with us. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We love you very much ❤️❤️❤️
Hebu The Lone Wolf
i have been there Leto so i know how u feel. i my self have been eating anti-depression meds for almost 15 years now ones i was diagnosed with depression when i was 15. i did have few years where i stopped taking them to think i was finally in the clear just for the depression to come back even worse. just stay strong and hang in there
Boom Robinson
I'm very proud of you for getting help. I've been hospitalized myself for making some dumb decisions in the past and it has taken many years of therapy and growth to get to where I am today. It's not easy, but I promise it will get better <3
Alden
I am so glad you are getting help. It is very hard to deal with so much pain even if you have someone else; so much harder when you are alone. I had to be hospitalized for panic attacks and depression. For me it was strange because depression can be causing you to fee; "I want to die," and then panic attacks were saying to me "I am afraid I am going to die." I wish I could be of help. Take care.
River A. Oakley
I am SO IMMENSELY glad that you’re okay!!!! You are hands down one of my best friends in the whole world!! I really wanna hug you so bad right now!! Just remember that it’s okay to be vulnerable. If anything that makes you stronger, because it shows that willingness to be happy. You have that potential to be happy, and I have faith in you!! We all love you SO damn much, Leto, and want nothing but the best for you! You deserve it!! We are here for you through this entire journey! <3 take all the time you need, and never forget that we love you!!
_DJ_
I'm so glad that you're okay, Leto. Getting help is always the hardest part. But I think we can all agree that we're all so proud of you for taking that first step towards recovery. Whenever you feel that way, as hard as it may be, you can always talk to us, there are so many people in this community who want the best for you. We are always here to help, and we will always support you. *Hug hug*
Nick
We love you and thank you so much for the update Leto ❤️❤️
Artico
I can't imagine the emotional burden you were holding deep inside and how much you've been hurting. It hurts to see you go through something so like this especially when you played a big part as to why I became an artist myself. I just hope everything gets better. I'm sending all my love and support to you and want you to take all the time you need for your health. We all love you leto, remember that💜
HOOXZ
You have no idea the wave of relief that washed over me reading this. Please take as much time as you need to get the help you need. You matter to me and so many others!
Ari
I want to hug you so bad right now... You deserve to live a happy life and I am sure your family, your granny, grandpa and dad would hate to see you throw away all the years you still have left to form bonds with people you've yet to meet. You have a wonderful community around you and I am sure everybody here would be happy to help if there's anything we can do to make you feel less isolated. I'd be happy to pitch in if you want to visit Eurofurence next month, if you're feeling better. Just please reach out, you are loved ♥️
Avisend
I'm glad to hear you'll still be around with us Leto. You are truly loved and valued by a lot of us. If you ever need anything, even just someone to quietly hangout in voice chat with while you work feel free to message myself or any of us on Discord, we're all here for you <3
Muddypaws
Hugs! As with many others who’ve been posting I’m so glad that you’re getting help; there are so many people here that admire and enjoy what you do. You brighten our days. You really do 💞
Savage Nation1733
We love you hope you stick around and take as much time as you need to get help my finance has been through some of the same things you have and spend times having someone to talk to about your issues is one of the best things you can have if you need to vent or talk about anything I’ll be here for you be safe and be well Leto ♥️♥️♥️
NahTsoRari
You are loved by everyone in here and we are all happy your still with us Leto ❤️
Lef
I'm glad you're getting help. I'm really do. About a month ago i lost my close friend, still feeling terrible. it sucks when it feels like nobody in the whole world needs you. I'm kinda feeling that way but have to keep up.
foxboy64
Hey, it'll be alright man. Loneliness and isolation are rough, but always have the potential to be temporary so long as you still breath. There's still so much life ahead of you, should you choose to see it, 30 isn't even a third of it. Eventually, we all end up on the other side, but we all only get the one chance to see as much of this side as we can. It can be tough when your mind is convinced that it's impossible. That it's too unlikely. Trust me I know. But when my mind starts going there I try to pull myself out of it by remembering all the other times I thought I was sure of somthing and eventually ended up being wrong about it. Even if it's somthing little. Just to remind yourself that sometimes we can be too hard headed to predict the future. Give your life the chance it deserves. To know for sure. most people who have been in these positions and survive it find themselves pleasantly surprised.
Melon
We love you Leto, don’t ever forget that. Life is tough sometimes, cruel even. However, the good will always outweigh the bad. Hang in there, it will get better, I promise. 5 years from now you will look back and be glad that you are still around, and we will always be glad to see you are with us. Don’t give up <3
VulpisPomf
I knew that last post was one of those.. Know that feeling all too well.. But one taking their own life is a costly gamble..
Kyro Fox
Depression can be a really tough thing to get through. I'm glad to hear you're getting help. My partner also has depression and some days are not all sunshine. Sending you virtual hugs from Canada.
AFoxGuy
Oh Leto.. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that by yourself. We all love you bud ❤️
Bohmesy
Leto, it's incredible to me how much of what you said is relatable. I'm the same age, and having gone through alot of that at shockingly similar times I've come to realize that these are things so many of us go through. You're not alone, you just know there are millions more fighting the same fight and trying to power through life. Stay strong friend.
Turtvaiz
Don't forget you have plenty of people here that do care ❤️
BlazeTheFolf
I know you didn't share it for us but I appreciate you letting us see this side of you and everything you've had to endure. No one person should have to go through all of that. Nothing any of us can say will bring anyone back or make the pain go away but I hope even in the smallest way that you know there are at least some of us out there that will read this and connect with it and it may just save their life too. I'll send all the good juju I can your way, and hope that you're able to find some sort of path forward that doesn't feel so lonely or painful. You have a small army here to support you and you've blessed so many of us with your talent. Thank you for sharing your gift with the world 💙💚
Fluff W0lf
I know it sounds selfish, but... During my attempts, the thoughts that pulled me back from that darkness wasn't family, friends... I have bad ties with my family and only one friend who I hardly saw. It was the thought of... If an afterlife exists, how angry I would be if I ended it early, even if I accomplish nothing amazing in life, I would always be crushed by the thought of, "what if I didn't do it? What would have happened if I hadn't cut the one shot I have short". If not for others, do it for yourself
Aaron (BullseyeBronco)
Hey there, I was worried last night when I saw the message. I'm so glad you're getting the help you need. I've been there before with suicidal thoughts, and having plans. It's a scary tough place to be in. I know it's not much, but there are thousands of people who enjoy your art, and brings them joy. You would be very much so missed. I'm so glad you're here and getting the help you need. If you ever need someone to talk with, I always have open ears.
Larry bass
Theirs always another way mate. Don't look to rest to be your escape. Look to your friends or fans. We don't mind chatting with you. A burden shared is only half as heavy. With all of us here we may one day make your burdens weightless. Untill that day comes to pass please be strong mate,you got this.
