InsomniaWL
patreon
Chapter 181 – The Things on My Mind
🕑 Added 2025-09-27 17:59:19 +0000 UTCIt was just past nine, edging toward ten.
After discussing the radio broadcast plans, Aoki stayed a bit longer at STARRY to help out.
The final conclusion they reached was: “Since it’ll boost the band’s visibility, we should take part.”
Truth be told, Aoki wasn’t exactly thrilled about doing another radio appearance, autograph signing, or live platform stream.
Anything that would expose his face or identity, and put him in direct or indirect contact with fans. But the band’s opinion mattered too, so...
In the end, he decided to go for it, bracing himself as if marching to his fate.
And then he left the livehouse.
Meanwhile, inside STARRY—
Closing time had come.
Standing at the entrance, Nijika watched Aoki’s figure slowly fade into the distance.
She called out softly, “See you tomorrow, Aoki-senpai.”
She wasn’t sure if her voice was too soft or if he heard it at all.
Either way, after speaking, she drew in a quiet breath.
Her thoughts were a mess. Her feelings… even more so.
That pang in her chest that sour, almost painful emotion she didn’t want anyone to see—kept swirling around her heart.
Nijika knew very well—
This was something serious.
Something about her feelings, about her future, about Aoki-senpai… about Kessoku Band’s future.
It was something she had to face honestly, and choose correctly.
But right now…
What exactly was the right choice?
Kita’s warmth toward Aoki-senpai.
Ryo’s relationship with him.
Just like her… they had feelings for him too.
So should she let go? Step back?
But her own feelings were just as real. Just as deep.
By now, Nijika could no longer deny it—
She really did like Aoki.
Even just having him look at her made her heart skip.
Even just hearing him call her name made her happy.
But.
But…
Love doesn’t work on a first-come, first-served basis. It’s not simple math.
And because she knew that, she hesitated.
Both Ryo and Kita were irreplaceable friends.
Her feelings were clear… but Nijika understood:
Even if it hurt, even if her chest ached, if she just forced herself not to think about it—
If she buried those feelings deep—she could go on like nothing had changed.
So…
If it meant protecting the band and everyone in it, then—
The moment she said “See you tomorrow,” her thoughts halted.
By now, Aoki’s silhouette had completely vanished.
Pressing her lips together, she turned away and walked back into the livehouse.
She made an effort to calm herself, to keep her face from betraying anything.
Her mood eased—just a little.
Pushing the door open, she stepped inside.
Soft background music still played. The lights felt a bit bright.
Without speaking, she walked a couple of steps in—
When her older sister, who had been quiet until now, suddenly spoke.
“You know, Nijika…”
Her voice was calm and cool as always, but there was hesitation—like she was probing.
“Kita and Yamada… they both seem to have feelings for that Aoki kid too, don’t they?”
“Mm… ah—probably?” Nijika noticed her own voice sounded exactly like it always did.
Ijichi Seika hadn’t expected such a casual tone, such a simple answer.
She went quiet for a moment.
After some thought, she spoke again.
“Then… Nijika, if you like him too… what are you going to do?”
“Eh? What am I going to do?”
Nijika drew a slow breath.
Fell silent for a bit, as if thinking.
Then she smiled—not a forced or bitter smile, just a gentle one, as if nothing were wrong.
“Well… nothing I can do. Kita and Aoki-senpai get along really well. Ryo and him click, too. No matter how I look at it, I don’t have a chance. So… so—”
She gave a little shrug.
“Better to just let it go.”
“...”
A trace of worry flickered across Seika’s face.
“Nijika… are you really going to be okay like this?”
“I’ll be fine.” Nijika shook her head.
Then she walked over and returned the mop Aoki had been using earlier.
“Anyway—this isn’t something you need to worry about, sis. Let’s go home. What do you want for dinner tonight?”
The mop was already wrung dry, and the floor was spotless—without a trace of dust.
Though concern still lingered in Ijichi Seika’s eyes, Nijika had clearly closed the topic.
Seika hesitated for a moment, wanting to say something more.
But when the words reached her lips, she swallowed them back and simply said instead, “Let’s go home… and for dinner—just make whatever you want.”
After turning the lights off, the sisters stepped out of STARRY into the chill night.
Even with her coat on, the cold bit straight through. Nijika shivered, climbed the stairs, unlocked the door, and stepped inside.
She hung her coat neatly on the rack, washed her hands, and headed straight to the kitchen.
“I’ll just whip up two simple dishes, okay?” she called out.
Seika replied with a short “Mm.”
Before long, the kitchen filled with the quiet clatter of cooking.
Nijika prepared tomato and egg stir-fry, sautéed green peppers with pork, and steamed some rice.
She set the table, laid out the bowls and chopsticks, then called her sister to eat.
Neither of them spoke once they sat down.
Nijika forced herself to take a few bites, trying to keep her thoughts blank.
But after only a mouthful or two of rice, everything tasted strangely dull.
“I’m full,” she said abruptly, setting down her chopsticks.
Then, looking at her sister, she added, “Um… I’m really tired today. A bit sleepy. I think I’ll head to bed.”
Seika’s hand, mid-reach for another bite, froze.
After a short pause, she gave a small nod.
“Alright. Rest early.”
Nijika retreated to her room.
She didn’t bother turning on the light, didn’t feel like showering, and didn’t even change clothes.
She simply collapsed face-first onto the bed.
She told herself not to think about Aoki.
Told herself to think about other things—
When exactly the radio appearance would be…
Whether she was keeping up with practice for the new song…
How she’d do on the next school test…
But the more she tried to distract herself with random thoughts, the more tangled her feelings became.
The bitterness in her chest swelled, the confusion spread.
She lay there for who knew how long, buried in the blankets, when suddenly—
Her phone lit up in the darkness.
Probably a spam call. Or maybe just an ad.
But then… her ringtone began to play.
That song.
The one Aoki-senpai had once told her was “especially for Nijika.”
The one he’d promised to sing for her, even if he was hurt.
The walls she’d built—the calm voice, the forced detachment, the stubborn refusal to think about him—collapsed in an instant.
“...Uuh…”
Her breath caught, breaking into sobs she could no longer hold back.
She hadn’t wanted to think about anything anymore, yet the tears still came, unrelenting.
She told herself:
I have to think about the band.
I have to make the right choice.
I can’t just put my feelings first.
Liking someone means restraint.
I have to learn to let go.
Her muffled cries stayed trapped in the blankets, just like the love she had forced herself to abandon—hidden away, known only to her.
In her ears, the lyrics rang out, sharp and clear:
“Hey… what should I do after this?”
“No one’s telling me how to move forward.”
“I look into your eyes…”
“And silently, take a step away.”
November.
A winter night.
The cold seeped into everything, biting deep.
And from November 16 onward, Nijika thought… maybe she hated this season just a little bit.
