Pewpewcachoo
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SoA 00000. Prologue rewrite
🕑 Added 2024-07-15 04:51:27 +0000 UTCAlright, so this is an updated/rewrite of the prologue for SoA. Read it and let me know what you think? I was thinking about removing the system stuff all together, but I thought a little bit of it wouldn't hurt... Maybe. Let me know what you think about it.
The noise of a busy restaurant kitchen filled the air as people in white chef's coats toiled away in the overly hot environment. Orders were yelled out by servers, with colorful responses replied by the kitchen staff. In what could only be called organized chaos.
“Order up, for table ten!” A brown skinned man said before he used a towel to wipe down the sweat on his forehead.
He glanced at the next ticket before he turned around to his station. He pulled out a ribeye that was already at room temperature and started to season it. Next he reached for a clean skillet and noticed it was the last one left so he yelled out, “Peanut, where are my skillets?!”
I high pitched voice replied, “Give me a few minutes.”
The man placed the skillet over the burner and as it heated he said, “You said that last time!”
The sous chef in charge of the fry station said, “Cut him some slack Diego, he’s the only one on cleaning duty today.”
After the skillet came up to a proper temperature, Diego added the ribeye to the skillet as he said, “So what? It’s past dinner rush and it's a weekday. He should have no issue keeping up with us right now.”
The other man glanced towards the cleaning area to see a skinny kid washing dishes as fast as he could. The man pulled a basket full of fires out of the deep fryer as he said, “He’s just new. I’m sure in a week or two, he’ll be fine.”
Diego flipped the ribeye in the skillet before he said, “It’s been almost twenty minutes since I asked the first time. He should have brought over two or three of them by now.”
As Diego added a healthy amount of butter, along with garlic and thyme to the skillet. The kid nicknamed Peanut came over with a small cart, loaded with cleaned dishes. Peanut loaded up Diego’s area with skillets before he moved to the next station as Diego basted the steak in the butter, garlic and thyme mixture. After a moment the other guy said, “And now you look like an idiot for complaining.”
As Diego removed the steak from his skillet and placed it on a plate to rest he said, “Fuck off. You know if the chef was here, he would have been screaming at the kid to hustle.”
As the other man poured the freshly cooked fries into a bowl to salt them he said, “Just because the boss is an asshole, doesn’t mean you need to be one too.”
As Diego prepared the plate with side dishes he said, “What do you think is gonna happen to that kid when the chef comes back from vacation? If we don’t toughen him up a little now, he won’t even last a day.”
“I… I didn’t think of it that way.”
Diego finished the plate and placed it up on the counter as he yelled out, “Order up for table two!”
Diego glanced at another ticket before he said, “And that’s why you’re an idiot and only in charge of the fryers.”
“Fuck you!”
Diego flipped the other guy off followed by a hearty laugh before he started on the next order. The rest of the night passed quickly and before Diego realized, it was time for the restaurant to close down. Diego was lost in his own thoughts as he cleaned up his work area, when he heard, “Everyone listen up! It’s the end of the month so you know what that means!”
A chorus of groans, cruses and other things could be heard from the entire kitchen staff as Diego frowned. He glanced at the clock on the wall before he let out a sigh. So much for his plan to get home at a reasonable time tonight.
vvvvvv
[SystemMaster@IAMTHEBEST SystemMaster] /System.run
System Initializing… Task complete.
Searching for a suitable host… Please wait.
Suitable host found… Task complete.
Running system invitation… Please wait.
vvvvv
Diego let out a heavy sigh as he closed the door to his apartment and kicked off his shoes. On the entryway table where he dropped his keys, rested a small stack of past due bills. He glanced at them for a moment before he looked at the clock next to the door, it was already well past midnight.
He let out another sigh before he thought to himself, ‘I hate when we have to deep clean the restaurant's kitchen.’
Diego warily made his way to his bedroom as he slowly peeled off his clothes. He stopped just inside the door to his room and dumped his dirty clothes onto the floor next to a laundry basket already full of dirty clothes. He glanced at it before he let out a groan of frustration, he really needed to do his laundry… Maybe tomorrow before work… No, it would be better to wait for his next day off. Diego glanced at the pile of clothes again as he thought, ‘Wait, didn’t I say that last time?’
Diego brushed the thought off and barely made it to his unmade bed before he connected his phone to the charger and then collapsed on top of it. He sluggishly reached over and grabbed his blankets before he pulled them over himself and was asleep within moments.
It was almost noon by the time Diego finally opened his eyes as he let out a yawn. Instead of getting out of bed he reached over and picked up his phone to check it. He had a few texts, but none of them were important. He checked his email next and found an email from his bank. Apparently his bank account was over drafted again and they charged him extra money because of it.
Diego frowned at the message but there was nothing he could do about it. Since he knew he couldn't fix the problem currently, he opened up his favorite reading app to forget about it. He quickly checked all the stories he followed and started reading every new chapter that was released while he relaxed in bed. The real world and its problems could wait till later.
It was about an hour later when his phone chimed with a new text message. Diego opened the message and read it before he laughed. He glanced at it again before he thought to himself, ‘Is this a scam or am I being set up by a friend?’
The message read, “You were chosen to be a system host. If you accept, a system compatible with you will be granted to you. With the power of the system, a host can become powerful beyond imagination. If you are willing to accept, please reply to this message within thirty minutes of reading or you will lose this chance.”
Not wanting to be scammed, Diego ignored the message and went back to reading. After a while his phone buzzed again with another text message. It was from the same sender and it warned that only one minute remained before the offer expired. It was also a little weird because a timer was ticking down inside the message.
As Diego watched the timer go down to thirty seconds, he wondered if his phone was compromised. He already checked the timer to see if it was a video or even a GIF image. But as far as he could tell it was built into the message itself and not attached to it. Then the timer hit twenty seconds and Diego considered replying to the message.
Diego watched the timer as it dropped to ten seconds and finally made his decision. If it was a joke he would just laugh it off with his friends later and if it was a scam… He would like to see someone try to scam him. What could they get from someone who was buried in debt? Maybe some of his debt?
He chuckled to himself before he clicked on the message window and typed in ‘Accept’ as the timer hit one second remaining. After he hit send nothing happened even after he waited for about a minute or two. He chuckled to himself for a moment before he blocked the number and reported it as spam. Then he went back to reading before a new message popped up.
It was the same number he just blocked and it read, “Thanks for accepting, please stand by.”
Diego glanced at the message as he thought, ‘Didn’t I block this number?’
A moment later Diego felt weird, it was like his whole body was being filled with… Power? It felt weird but strangely comfortable at the same time. After about a minute it changed and it started to hurt as Diego was forced to ball up in the fetal position. Diego screamed out in pain after a few moments before he blacked out as his brain shut down from being overloaded.
vvvvv
Host agreed, beginning system installation… Processing… !ERROR!
Host container destroyed!
Running backup protocol… Task complete.
Beginning soul extraction… Task complete.
Searching for possible host containers… !ERROR! Processing… !ERROR! Processing… !ERROR! Processing… !ERROR! Processing… !ERROR!
No container currently found suitable for the host and system!
System install paused, please change location and restart search program.
[SystemMaster@IAMTHEBEST SystemMaster] pwd
Reality 922635821/Universe 2198342/Laniakea Supercluster/Virgo Supercluster/Milky Way subgroup/Milky Way Galaxy/Orion Arm/Gould Belt/Local Bubble 23/Solar System 5/Planet 3
[SystemMaster@IAMTHEBEST SystemMaster] sudo cr /Reality 9
[sudo] password for SystemMaster: *********************************************************
[SystemMaster@IAMTHEBEST SystemMaster]$ ~Reality 9 /System.run
Found a paused instance of program running, would you like to continue or start new?
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Starting new will result in current soul being destroyed,
enter yes to start new or no to continue host searching protocol.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
no
vvvvv
A rainbow-colored beam of light ripped open a hole in the fabric of deep space and illuminated the area around it in a plethora of colors. After a few seconds a small golden sphere emerged from within the rainbow beam. Once the sphere reached the edge of the beam, it encountered a barrier that blocked its entry. The golden sphere pushed forward against the barrier which caused the space around it to twist and distort as if someone were trying to poke a hole through a piece of plastic.
The space around the sphere distorted more as it pushed harder against the barrier and created small tears in the fabric of reality. As the sphere struggled to pass the barrier, the rainbow beam of light trembled and shrunk down which helped give the sphere more power. Just before the beam disappeared, the golden sphere successfully passed through the barrier and the distortion in space snapped back into place as the area was swallowed up in darkness of the void once again.
The small golden sphere floated dormant for a while as if it waited for something. Then the golden sphere brightened up with a soft golden glow, vibrating slightly while the glow began to pulsate out for a time. The next instant it was gone and only the afterglow of its flight path could be seen, before that disappeared, swallowed up by the darkness of space.
vvvvv
A low beeping started to ring throughout a darkened room before the sole occupant looked over at a jade crystal that blinked in time with the sound. A moment later it lifted off its wooded pedestal and floated in front of the room's occupant. As the crystal projected a holographic display to the occupant, the room lit up in a soft blue color and a woman could be seen.
She had a stern expression on her face, while her sharp eyes flickered slightly in the soft glow of the light. She wore an elegant dark purple colored hanfu dress and was seated in a lotus position as she studied the screen. The room itself was almost barren with only a small prayer mat underneath the woman and the wooden pedestal off to the side. Arranged on top of the small pedestal were a few more jade crystals, while a sword was placed below them on a small stand that was built into the pedestal.
The woman continued to watch the screen for a few more moments before another screen appeared off to the side and a message began to type quickly across the screen. It was followed by a short video clip of what the woman was currently watching.
One Sword Above All: There has been a breach near the edge of my domain, the intruder looks to be a system. Its trail is leading to your domain, @TheBeastKing.
Monarch Of Space: Oh that’s definitely a system. How many does that make in the last thousand years, @Only Good Vibes?
Only Good Vibes: This would be one hundred and eighth. I wonder if another powerhouse will awaken?
Monarch Of Space: The last few failed to even make it out of their starting planet. System users tend to be reckless like brother @TheBeastKing.
Fate Can Not Hide: One hundred and eight? I will make a reading on this new system and inform everyone once it is complete.
TheBeastKing: One can not follow the path of the dao without taking chances. Also the system has passed my domain and is heading toward the outer part of @One With The Hammer.
One With The Hammer: It just passed by my domain and it is in the outer realms. Looks like it went deep into them, I could not follow it till its end point.
One Sword Above All: Unexpectedly it went into the outer realms, it looks like this system will end up like the others.
Only Good Vibes: Maybe. But danger always presents opportunity and a chance to grow.
vvvvv
The golden sphere ripped through the void of space past comets, solar systems and lone stars, until it reached a massive world. It was five times bigger than the next largest planet in the system and was only surpassed in size by the huge sun in the center of the solar system. Two moons orbited the planet in a slow rotation, with the closer of the two moons being tiny compared to the second moon.
The sphere shot down into the atmosphere of the planet as it flew towards the other side of the planet. Along its flight path, it passed by massive floating cities, enormous mountain ranges thousands of miles long, lakes large enough to be considered oceans and vast barren desert lands which contained sandstorms that blotted out the sky. Near the end of its journey, the sphere came to a valley. The valley floor was covered in farmlands and huts and a small river snaked through the middle of the valley, which helped feed the farms. While a small village with a handful of buildings rested near the center of the valley.
The sphere stopped at the outskirts of the valley and entered a small rundown mud hut. The inside of the building was covered in its golden light as the sphere came to rest above the body of a teenage boy. His body is thin and malnourished, while his skin was pale like chalk and drenched in sweat. He was covered in a thin blanket that clung to his body and was currently soaked from his perspiration. The boy rocked back and forth slightly, as his lips moved vaguely while he mumbled softly in his sleep and his eyes rapidly flickered around underneath his closed eyelids.
After a while the boy started to still, with his breathing becoming harder and more ragged. After a while, a loud retching cough escaped his mouth. The boy's body contorted in agony as blood coated his lips. After another body retching cough, the boy's chest stopped rising as the last bit of air left his lungs and his body went limp.
vvvvv
Fate Can Not Hide: I have seen what might come to pass. After nine readings, I now know one thing that could happen. Whoever gains that system could become a chef without equal. Possibly from their system or by their own skill. Until they become stronger, I won’t be able to give a better reading.
Only Good Vibes: So one of their dao’s could be the dao of cooking?
TheBeastKing: A master of the dao of cooking would be nice to have as a friend. Then we won’t have to sit through another @One Sword Above All dark cuisine special when she invites us over. I had the runs for a month last time.
One Sword Above All: ...
Fate Can Not Hide: I pay respect to @TheBeastKing for 3 seconds.
Monarch Of Space: I pay respect to @TheBeastKing for 3 seconds.
Only Good Vibes: I pay respect to @TheBeastKing for 3 seconds.
One With The Hammer: I pay respect to @TheBeastKing for 3 seconds.
Thunder Emperor: I pay respect to @TheBeastKing for 3 seconds.
Dao Seeker: I pay respect to @TheBeastKing for 3 seconds.
Lonely Heart: I pay respect to @TheBeastKing for 3 seconds.
Illusion Maker: I pay respect to @TheBeastKing for 3 seconds.
One Sword Above All: @TheBeastKing I am heading over, seems like you need a lesson in manners again.
System Message: TheBeastKing is currently offline and will not receive your message till they log back in.
One Sword Above All: @Fate Can Not Hide can you divine where he went? I will give you a bottle of one million year old frost wine.
Fate Can Not Hide: I’ll do it for free if you send a live stream when you find him.
Only Good Vibes: Seconded
Monarch Of Space: Third
One Sword Above All: Consider it done.
vvvvv
The gold sphere shot out a beam of gold light as it scanned the boy. After a few minutes it stopped the scan and a blue light began to shine from the orb. As it passed over the boy, his body began to morph. His skin turned a healthy color, while his body filled out and grew. The sweat, dirt, blood and other grime from his body were also removed.
Once the blue light was done, a green light and a gold beam began to shine from the golden sphere. The green light enveloped the body of the boy completely as the golden beam was aimed at the boy's head. For a while the beams seemed to do nothing, before the boy's chest started to rise and fall at a steady rhythm.
The green light faded away slowly after that, while the golden beam seemed to brighten the longer it went on. But at the same time the golden sphere itself darkened and shrunk down. After a while the sphere winked out of existence and the beam of light finished entering the boy's head. The room was cast into darkness again and filled with the sound of a healthy person's breathing as they slept.
Comments
Pewpewcachoo
Thanks for the feed back. It was mostly the the first chapter was a rough read. Which I kinda of agreed with, so I decided to change it. As for the MC's attitude towards Peanut... He is doing it to help the kid out, since he knows if the kid can't handle him putting a bit of pressure on him. He won't be able to handle the head chef. Also I pictured the head chef being like Gordon Ramsay, so him yelling at people in the kitchen just made sense to me... But I could change it up a bit. My goal is to attract more readers, not force them away.
Saaski
I do like this version better, but the attitude of the MC towards Peanut would have been taken as a red flag for me if I had just discovered this on RR with no context of the author being someone I already follow. Tbh, I would have stopped reading before he even left the kitchen, and then I would have just written the whole novel off. The first chapter tends to set the tone for the rest and, “it’s ok for superiors to scream at their workers” is just a depressing start to a story. Really intrigued by the god-chat though. That looked like potential fun. The interactions between them were a bit copy-paste, but you know, cliches are cliches for a reason. Sorry I can’t really be all positive. But I did like the original rendition of this. I’m not sure what the original critique was, but I personally liked that version of the MC better I think.
