QElwynD
patreon
Seeking - 17 (An Order of Amber)
🕑 Added 2022-12-01 18:58:21 +0000 UTCThe streets of Northglade ran with streams of water careening off the hill the castle was sat upon, the driving rain pouring off of the eaves and onto the cobblestones. In my rush, my furious sprint, I slipped and fell, pushing myself back up and ignoring the sodden mess that my dress was becoming. I'd bruised my leg, maybe fractured a bone, but I had magic.
It didn't matter.
Getting to my bloody traitorous mothermattered.
Maybe she had hated me all along, too strange, too different, and she couldn't deal with me. And with me gone she wanted a new, normalbaby.
She wouldn't keep them from me. It wasn't their fault. It was hers.
When I reached the store, the one I had bought this dress at months ago, it was closed; a sign hanging from the door and the windows shuttered tight. No one was out in this mess, no one except me.
"Let me in!" I screamed, slamming my fist against the door. And again. I kept pounding.
Why? Why would she do this, finding someone new and replacing me? She'd nevershown interest in men when I was with her, not once! And they had in her.
She abandoned me, her daughter, and she picked up a new man and got pregnant within yearsof leaving me?! How could she!
"Let! Me! In!" I screamed again, my fist leaving a dent in the wood. My voice echoed and rang, carried my by elemental friend as soared about in the rain.
I was shaking, and not just from the chill of the rain.
Trails of water flowed down my cheeks, and not just the run off from my soaking wet hair.
She wouldn't even let me in. Must heard my voice, recognised me, and chosen to run away again. Would she? Could she? She'd done it once.
My nails scrapped against the door as my hand throbbed with pain.
"Fine." I growled. I wouldn't let her get away. The wooden door buckled, twisted, and near enough tore itself out of its frame.
A small candle glowed inside, held by a woman. For a moment I didn't take in her appearance, striding forward to confront my mother – but the woman was a ginger, not a brunette like me. Like my mother.
And it wasn't just her hair, her face was wrong too. It wasn't my mother.
I conjured a twinkling star for light to see by, and there wasn't even any resemblance there. She stood frozen in a nightgown, clearly having heard me and come towards the door. I'd just been too impatient.
Yet for all I had just broken into her home, her store, I found I didn't care.
"Where–" My throat clenched tight and I had to force the words out. "Where's Elizabeth?!" I demanded.
"Eliz–" She started, taking a step back. "Who are you?!" She suddenly burst out. "Hammering on our door in this weather? Screaming enough to wake the dead?! Using– using witchcraftto break down our door?! Get out!"
This wasn't right. I trembled, trying to reign myself in. This wasn't Mama, I was doing something wrong.
"Where is Elizabeth? Where is Irwen? She has to be here!" If she wasn't here then I didn't know where to look! "I know she came south with Todlin Thyme! His master told me! Where is my mother?!" I screamed, my voice creaking and cracking.
"Rhian!" A man, Todlin, yelled as he stormed down a flight of stairs and stumbled into the room. "What is–" He paused upon seeing me, upon seeing my light, the ruined remains of the door. The rain pouring in. "Rhian, go to Orion. Get upstairs. The guard will have to have noticed." He said, pushing her behind him.
"No." Rhian said, struggling to stay in place.
"Rhian!" He hissed.
"You're Todlin Thyme." I said, though I already knew it. He was the man who sold me the dress.
"I want to know why she's wearing that!" Rhian demanded.
"I sold it to her!" He snapped.
"Idiot kobold of a husband!" She said, clinging on even as he still tried to push her away.
This was all wrong.
Only made worse as a baby started crying upstairs.
"You're Todling Thyme." I said again. "And she's your wife. And that's your baby."
The two remembered I was there and stopped their squabble. "Yes," Todlin grit out, still trying to interpose himself between me and his wife. And the way to the stairs that lead to his child. "The guard can't be far off, they'll find and gut you, foul warlock."
"Witch." I corrected without thinking. Nothing was right here. My chest felt tight and the edges of my eyes pricked.
Mama hadn't... she hadn't replaced me. But I hadn't found her? "Where... where's mama?" I mumbled.
"Not here," Todlin snapped. "So get."
I blinked away tears, feeling dizzy as the world blurred and twisted. The wood under my feet warped as my heartbeat raged and my magic surged, making me stumble backward as my balance failed. I grabbed at a table which started sprouting green shoots and leaves.
The shutters blasted open and the wind howled defiantly, scattering the rain out across the streets.
"Where...?" I forced out, blood pounding in my ears. "Liz. You– you called me Liz!"
"I mistook you for someone. Is all." He said, shaking his head. They were further away – he'd pushed his wife back through the doorway. He was trying to close it shut.
The wood twisted under his feet, jamming the door open.
For a moment I wanted to grab him, and I felt the wood start to move, but it was wrong. I shouldn't. It was wrong, I was doing something wrong.
Swallowing heavily I tried to take a step forward. It was hard, the world was swimming.
"My mother." I gasped. "You mistook me for my mother."
"Gwyneth." Rhian said, and the wind stilled. All was silent for a brief instant as I stared at her.
"Where is she?" I asked, the roar of the wind returning punctuating my question. "My mother, Elizabeth, Irwen, the woman you mistook me for when you sold me this dress – where is she?!"
He swallowed, his eyes dancing with fear as he dared not to take his eyes off of me.
"She... she works here." He muttered, the words carried to my ears by a breeze. "We're closed, so she's at home. Not here."
I heaved out a great breath, still holding a table to steady myself. I felt dizzy and sick. "Thank you."
Guilt burned in my stomach and I couldn't look at the pair, tears welling up again. This had gone so terribly wrong.
"I'll fix what I did. I need to find her, I haveto find her–!" I cried, my hands shaking. "But it was wrong. I'm sorry. It was wrong."
Slowly someone approached, Rhian, who brushed a strand of hair out of my face.
"You look just like her." She said softly.
I let out a laugh that twisted itself into a sob. I did, I knew I did, I was so much like Mama in everything save my eyes.
"Gwen!" A hurried shout came, and I glanced up to see Vivi running into the store. "It's so wet out there!" She said, shucking a sodden cloak straight onto the floor where it immediately made a puddle. "Um."
Two men followed her in, soldiers from the castle.
"Guards, this girl forced her way in and accosted me and my wife! She's damaged my store! Arrest her!" Todlin yelled at them.
They glanced at Vivi who just frowned. "Nuh-uh. She's a guest." She said, then she looked at me properly. "Hey, Gwen– wait, are you crying?!" She peered into my face and then gave me a hug, pressing herself against me. "Ugh, you're so wet." She complained, but kept on hugging me anyway.
I let out another laughing sob as I hugged her back.
This was such a bloody mess.
-oOoOo-
To the grumbling of Todlin Vivianne forced the guards, herself, and me, onto the the Thymes as guests until the rain abated at least a little. Rhian was... strangely accepting of it, asking me questions, about my childhood. Answering was hard, everything feeling so empty – something I'd thought I'd left behind in my other life. To my shame Vivianne even handed over coin to pay for any damage that I couldn't fix, for while I could, and did, undo the mess I'd made of the floors, doors, and tables I couldn't remove the rain that had fallen on valuable fabric.
Honestly If it was damaged so much by a little water it wasn't practicalin the slightest, but at least it mollified the tailor a little.
It was close to an hour before the rain finally abated and we donned our cloaks, walking out into the drizzle with Rhian leading the way to Mama's home. Vivi holding my hand and giving me an encouraging smile now and then.
I wasn't sure why the girl seemed to care about me so much, I'd barely spent any time with her, but she seemed to.
"Here we are." Rhian said brightly, about to walk up to a door into a small cottage. I swallowed heavily, this was... this was it.
Before she got anywhere though Vivi grabbed her and pulled her back. "Go on Gwen." She said, giving me a nudge. "Lorna would've run up to her already!"
Slowly I walked up to the door, the soft glow of a fire inside visible through the cracks in the shutters. It was small, small like the cottage I'd lived in back with Celestine after she left. A single room, living, kitchen, dining, and bedroom all in one space. Mama wasn't... wealthy. But she had a roof over her head.
Did she need me here? I made such a mess of things...
Taking a deep breath I reached up and knocked on the door. E"ven if my stomach was chining with anxiety and everything felt dull and like I could just lay down and sleep for a week I couldn't give up.
Not now.
Time stretched out into what felt like an eternity before the movement inside reached the door and the latch clicked out of the way, the door swinging open. And there she was, so very familiar and yet still different. She was older, but not so much as to be unrecognisable, her face still youthful but a few faint creases showing where she would gain strong laugh lines as she aged further. Mama could have passed for a teenager before, even in her twenties, but now there was an air of maturity to her looks. Young but a woman not a girl.
Her hair though, was short. Shorter than it should be.
"You cut your hair." I said softly, staring at where it ended just above her shoulders. She had always worn it long, like I did, but it was gone.
She was frozen stiff, blue eyes going wide as she took me in. "G–Gwen?!" She gasped, clutching at the doorframe to steady herself.
"Ma–" I swallowed heavily, the word catching in my throat. "Mother." I said instead, still staring at her. We were almost the same height now, she just barely had an inch or two on me. All the words I had planned to say, the accusations I wanted to make, what I wanted to scream at her had fled my mind. Only one thing was left. "I found you."
There were a few moments silence then she leapt forward, her arms wrapping around me, uncaring for the wet cloak I was wearing or the drizzle that now fell on her. Yet for all she clutched at me and held me tight I... I didn't feel anything.
I stood there woodenly, awkwardly, wondering what I should do.
"I'm sorry." She said, pressing her head against mine.
It wasn't good enough. Slowly I prised her off of me, holding up her arms and pushing them away.
"You're sorry?" I spat, my voice dropping and my grip on her hands growing tight enough she winced. "Sorry?!" The word was nothinglike enough. "YOU ABANDONED ME!"I screamed right in her face, the wind howling along with me.
"Sorry doesn't cut it." I hissed. I no longer felt empty, now I just felt angry. It wasn't an improvement but it was something. "An apology means nothing, you never tried to reach out, you never sent anything, you could have diedand I would never have known! Why did you leave me?!"
"I was holding you back." She said, not meeting my eyes. "You were devoted to me when you didn't need to be, when it didn't–"
"You're my mother!" I shouted. "I lovedyou!"
For all the burning anger in my chest, the fury I could feel brewing in my and in my magic – in my elemental friend as the wind raged – I still loved her. I was angry becauseI loved her. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't care. Twisted and painful and hurtful as seeing her, hearing her say such stupidthings was, finding her was... was the happiest I'd been since I left Dalaran.
"I still love you."
The words came out choked and broken, but were understood nonetheless.
"Oh, Gwen... I missed you. I... I love you too, my little blessing. So very much." She said, trying to push forward against me to hug me again. I let her go, but sidestepped her hug. And when she turned to stare at me with that hurt look I turned away but couldn't miss the tears forming in her eyes.
That it made me feel satisfiedwas the most wrong thing to happen all day. I shouldn't be happy my mother was crying.
I shouldn't.
And yet I was.
Realising what I was feeling almost made me walk away then and there. To leave and not look back. What did I gain from finding her? What purpose did she serve in my life? I was looking towards literal world ending threats, a doom that could burn the whole world was coming and I'd spent yearsdoing nothing but try and chase after my mother.
Even my stop in Dalaran had been something I thought of as a distractionfrom my quest to find my mother until I found I loved my time in the city.
"You know, I'd thought you replaced me." I said, staring into the cloudy sky that so matched my mood. "I remembered that Todlin's wife was pregnant. And with you coming south with him I thought you'd gotten married, had another child, a new little blessing."
"I would never." Mama cried, reaching towards me. With a flick of my wrist a branch exploded out of the ground, wrapping around her wrist and pulling it aside. "You're my only blessing, Gwyneth. I could... I could neverdo that." She shook, I could feel it, I could sense it, the way she was barely keeping herself standing.
"Irwen!" Rhian cried, stepping up and interposing herself between me and my mother. "You stop bullying her! She's your mother!"
She was trembling, the fear she had before coming back. Flinching away just from me looking at her.
The branch let go of Mama. All I had wanted for her to not touch me.
"This isn't how I thought this would go." Vivi muttered. I shouldn't have been able to hear her and yet the wind carried her voice to me anyway. It wasn't just my friend, there were more of them about. Dancing and delighting in the drama.
My reunion was a show for the Elements. A story for them to share.
I didn't want to think about it.
"Hurt doesn't go away easily, Vivi. And it's had years to fester." I turn to stare blankly past Rhian at my mother, who averted her gaze when my eyes met hers once more. "It would have been longer if I hadn't gone looking. When would you have reached out? When would you have told me you were alive? Would you ever?"
"T–the dress. We made it." Rhian said, stuttering. "It was meant to be a gift. For..."
"For when you were a woman grown." Mother, Irwen, said.
Fourteen, then. Fourteen years old. Two more years.
"I felt bad for leaving Emma. So I sent her letters, from here at the time Vivi bought me this dress. From Dalaran when I stayed there. I kept in touch. I let her know I was alive."
All the things my mother hadn't done.
"Because family is important."
From the way Rhian was defending her, even though she was back to looking like a scared little girl and trembling before me, it seemed she had found a new one. A new family. Even if she didn't have a child by her blood she had chosen a new life to live.
"Why... why don't you come in?" Irwen asked, wringing her hands. "We can... we can talk. Catch up." She forced herself to meet my gaze. "Maybe... maybe you could show me what you've learned while I was gone?"
"What I learned after you abandoned me." I said flatly, denying her attempt to minimise what happened.
She flinched again, but didn't look away.
That was more like Mama. More like the woman who raised me on the road and not the shell she became around Celestine.
Or was I wrong and just thinking of her as better than she had been even then, the rose-tinted glasses of a child looking upon their sole parent? I didn't know.
"After I abandoned you." She said, sounding truly regretful. "I... I never should have done it."
"But I'd never have met you!" Rhian protested, turning and clutching at Mother's arm. "I... what..." She sounded afraid, shrinking in on herself.
"I don't regret meeting you, Rhi." Mother said, the words stinging me as they reached my ears. "But I regret what I did to my... my daughter."
"So you admit it was a mistake." I said.
She didn't answer right away. "I... I never wanted to hurt you." She said, tears welling up in her eyes once more. "Never. But you've grown so much, so quickly."
"When you strip the childhood away from a child they don't remain one for long." I said, my hands clenching into fists. I'd been happy. What would I have done if she had stayed? Would I have ever thought of leaving the farm? Of travelling? What would have become of me? I wasn't so prideful as to think myself perfect, I was difficult to motivate and so easily content. I could have lived my happy life until it was far, far too late. "You're right. It worked. And maybe it was a good thing, but not because you let me free to soar without you to tie me down."
The wind grew still, a deathly calm silence settling over us all.
"No, because you damned me to chase after you. To dedicate my life to finding you. And I did it. I learned and grew along the way because you forcedme to, dictating my path with the worst cruelty you could possibly achieve."
I stared at the woman who was my mother. Who had been my beloved Mama. Who I still cared for deeply and yet could barely stand to look at. Nothing would ever, could ever, be the same again.
"I'm going back to see Celestine again before I move on again. You're coming with me. You owe her an apology." And maybe I could find a way to resolve the churning mess that were my feelings towards her. I didn't want her to die, but did I want her back in my life?
She nodded, agreeing even as Rhian protested. Begged her to stay.
Whatever happened I wasn't letting her run away again.
