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Things You Should Probably Know Before You Date Me
🕑 Added 2024-04-15 05:57:52 +0000 UTCI tell fallen items they’re assholes before I pick them up. Then I tell them not to do it again.
You think I’m trying to be funny. I’m not. Science suggests that if you tell something not to fall again, it’s 56% less likely to fall again because I’m very, very scary.
I put important things in places I’d never imagine putting them in so I won’t forget where they are. I’ll bet you can figure out how that turns out.
I stop and say “hi” to every dog on the beach. This is for completely rational reasons.
What are those rational reasons? Uh. Because there’s a dearth of self-esteem in the doggo world? Yes, that sounds rational enough.
I have no sense of direction and can’t read a map—not even Google Maps with voice directions. Who knows what 100 metres look like? Aliens. That’s who. I’m not an alien, so if you send me out for milk, I’ll get lost, forget I’m lost, and join the first cult I find. Then I’ll hide their cult leader in a place I’d never imagine putting him. Cult over! Bonus!
I forget series three months after I see them, and then I watch them again wondering how it all ends.
I have a passion for pink that only a seven-year-old girl could rival, and I’m not sorry.
I’m obsessed with belts. Belts! Belts! Belts! If you do not own a belt, you’re a psychopath and I don’t want to know you. I know of a cult that needs a new leader, though.
I know we've been walking to the cult up the road for three months, but I swear I know where we're going.
