Paradosi
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The Prophesized Hero of a Kingdom of Comically Evil Elves 2
🕑 Added 2025-11-30 20:11:26 +0000 UTCPast the solid gold doors was a sprawling sunlit garden with a queen at its center.
Her golden cat eyes stared into mine until I got the message, getting down on one knee like a knight of yore. Apparently shoes were optional here, her toenails peeking out from the white of her dress the same shade of gold as her eyes.
“What is your name?”
It should be fine to just give my first name, right? “Adam.”
“Then you will put out of your head whatever foolishness my daughter has put in it, Adam. There shall be no war with your… people.”
Right. “You’re sending me back? If you are, you think you can send me back to Saturday?”
You missed every shot you didn’t take.
Her nails tickled my cheek as she stepped closer, smelling of honey. “The die has already been cast. Even if I were to send you from my realm, you would inevitably find your way back.”
She forced me to meet her eyes again before I could say something snarky. I struggled not to stare at her tits still poking through her gown instead. Titania the Tittilating, indeed.
“Yet you are not without use, and the rewards of service are great.”
“Give me some credit, Your Majesty. I’m not selling my soul to you.” I still remembered the poor fucker that brought me here.
“You think too harshly of me, Adam. I ask for service given willingly.”
I trusted that about as far as I could throw her. “You’ll have to elaborate.”
“My daughter is not the only one of my subjects that spurns me. Too many think my laws mere suggestion.” Her smile dimmed slightly for her words. “I would task you to root them out.”
“Like a bounty hunter?”
“Yes,” she husked. “The spell will have run its course in time. You will return to your kind with riches unimaginable.”
I scratched at a cheek. “I guess it beats law school.” And also because every part of my lizard brain was screaming at me to play along.
Her smile turned radiant again, her hand falling away. “Then rise, my Knight of Ruin.”
I was mobbed by fireflies as soon as I tried, though apparently they only wanted to put some kickass armor on me? It shined like red gold.
Titania snapped her fingers after and the same poor fucker suddenly appeared, hobbling to me with a sword? in hand. The leather scabbard looked like it had seen better days.
“Few are those permitted to wield accursed iron.” Those eyes looked past me. “!@/%#!! will elucidate you on your quarry.”
A shadow suddenly fell over me. I thought I was the tallest thing in town, but suddenly finding myself staring at maybe seven feet of armored monstrosity quickly absolved me of that notion.
I gave a little wave, but they just stared back humorlessly. I turned back to the queen. “I think Pink’s learned her lesson.”
“…Pink?”
“About yay high,” I mimed. “Very pink.”
“My daughter would have led us all to ruin for no reason but to spite myself.”
I waved it away. “I think she’s just lonely.” And divide and conquer’s an age-old adage for a reason…
The fairy queen quirked her head. Then she smiled. If her daughter smiled like a piranha, she smiled more like a shark.
“Sometimes mercy can be the greatest punishment of all.”
A twirl of her fingers saw the princess and her shadow deposited on the floor. Pink was still hogging the sweater I left them.
Though she quickly scrambled to her feet as the color returned to them, her pink nails turning monstrous as she scowled at her mother. Who honestly didn’t seem to feel particularly threatened…
“You could not take my crown through guile,” she purred, the environs turning uncomfortably hot again. “Perhaps you think brute force will serve you better?”
Pink scowled even harder, but in the end she turned around to stare at nothing, pouting up a storm.
“And to think you were spared by the grace of a monkey.”
I wouldn’t be surprised if steam started coming out of her ears. Instead she stomped off, Squirrel Girl’s evil twin scurrying after her.
Those golden eyes skewered me again. “If you hoped for even a whisper of gratitude, abandon such hopes now. I have been waiting for a thousand seasons.”
She stalked deeper into her garden after, the light leaving with her. The sudden gloom only made Tall, Dark and Metal looming over me more intimidating.
“After you,” I snarked.
I fiddled with my new armor as we walked, the metal warm to the touch. It even had its own heartbeat. Badump. Badump. Badump.
The garden eventually fell away to reveal a… dojo? It was the first thing that came to mind. And lining the walls was every weapon known to man. Maybe some unknown.
“We will test your skill at arms first.”
I was still trying to figure them out. They didn’t sound like something out of Alvin and the Chipmunks. But their two arms had suddenly become six, each holding a weapon.
“Then prepare to be disappointed. I went to law school, not anime school.”
“We shall see.” Six Arms came at me like a walking blender. I had just enough time to pull my new sword from its scabbard, but there was fuck-all I could do except haphazardly swinging it around as I ran away with my tail between my legs.
“Accursed iron will not save you. The oldest of us still remember when we waged war on you monkeys.”
The walking, talking blender suddenly sped up. Yeah, fuck that.
“Slow down. Let’s talk.” It slowed them down a fraction at best.
“Is that all the hero can muster? A middling geas?”
This felt like fighting the Final Boss right out of the starter zone. I ran away again as soon as a pitch-black spear almost went through my throat, screeching and sparking across my armored shoulder instead.
It didn’t matter. The walking, talking blender was already gaining on me again. I needed to go faster.
Something like static went through me again. Just not my head this time. It gave me some breathing room… only for them to speed up again.
Faster. Faster. Swift as a coursing river. Everything became a bit of a blur after that blatant bit of plagiarism.
It hit me. All this fairy bullshit. The hero would wield song and story as we do. It was worth a shot.
For the first time I went on the offensive.
With all the force of a great typhoon.
My sword met two of theirs with a great clang.
With all the strength of a raging fire.
Flames leapt from my sword with every wild slash. It was metal as fuck. At least until I realized one of her three swords had come around on my left to touch my neck.
“You wield a sword like a drunken $£€!##.”
“Hey, I did try and tell you.”
They came at me again. So much for a break.
At least getting to jam to Thunderstruck in the middle of a thunderstorm made getting my ass beat by Discount Gilgamesh worth it.
Six arms became two again. “Be ready for when I come to instruct you again.”
Instruct? Was that what that was? “Hey,” I called out, prompting them to pause. “What’s under all that armor anyway?”
Not that I got an answer. I wiped at my brow as they disappeared into the gloom. I was sweating up a storm.
“You have been given quarters.”
My heart almost jumped out of my fucking chest. How did he even sneak up on me? Especially with his eyes still glued to the floor…
“You have a name?” I asked after a few minutes.
“I am the Caretaker.”
I didn’t comment on how that sounded more like a job title. “How long have you been… here?”
“Seven-hundred and eighty-seven years, three-hundred and forty-three days, twenty-one hours and…”
“I get the gist.” It was kind of fucking with my head.
“A sick sister. A thousand years of service was the price.” We went down another tunnel. “I can scarcely remember any of their faces.”
An awkward silence followed. I was stuck here myself. What could I do?
We eventually came upon a high door. “I have made my peace with it. As you will have to.”
What I found past the door made my apartment look like a bad joke.
I fell back on the bed like a sack of potatoes. Wait. There was something moving along the shadows in the room.
That something turned out to be a very pink cat with a very familiar crown on her head. “Pink?”
“Stupid monkey! Her spies are everywhere!”
I was assuming she meant the fireflies. “I think that ship’s already sailed. You weren’t exactly being inconspicuous…”
The cat jumped on the bed and hissed at me. Only to turn into a fairy princess again. “What has she made you swear?”
“Nothing?”
She looked at me funny. Then she got right into my personal space. “Show me your tongue.”
“You’re giving mixed signals again.”
“Stupid monkey! Just show me!”
“Only if you show me yours.”
That she actually stuck it out for a few seconds was kind of cute. Maybe her antics were growing on me.
“Now show me!”
“If you insist…” She stared at it from every angle for a few seconds before asploding into concentrated chuunium again.
“Ahahahahahaha! It’s true! Her weakness will be her undoing!”
I didn’t comment on how she would still be in time out if not for me. “Didn’t you say something about spies?”
She smiled like a piranha again as she mimicked me. “That ship has already sailed.” Whatever she did, it seemed euphemisms also translated.
I yawned as I laid back again, crossing my arms behind my head. It’s been a long day.
Not that it stopped her from yapping anyway. “When the time is right, we…”
“We? Who’s we? Your mother’s offered me gainful employment.”
“I summoned you!”
“Yeah, against my will. And then called me a monkey.”
She poked a very pink nail into my new armor. “I would have made you king of the monkeys!”
I felt another yawn coming on. Playing hard to get was hard work.
“I should show you all her monkeys. That is all she will ever give you.”
“Will you free them?”
She shrugged her shoulders exactly like a cat. “I would.”
“You would or you will?”
The sourness returned with a vengeance. Turning back into a cat, she skedaddled with her tail between her legs.
I looked down at my armor again. How did I even take—
All the metal suddenly unfurled and collapsed into a sphere. Convenient.
I stared up at the wall. Like everything else in the room, it was made of gold. Even my clothes had changed.
And shouldn’t I be starving? My phone didn’t come with me, but it had to have been hours now. I was down in that prison for at least a few hours…
Whatever. I was just going to wake up back in my room anyway.
I was dreaming…
I dreamed of a monster with my face…
Its smile revealed a maw of a million teeth…
Its eyes blazed like suns…
It breathed fire and spat lightning…
There was so much blood. I was drowning in it.
I woke up sweating up a storm. Gold. The room was gold. Gold. Gold…
I stood. Agitated. Confused. Fucking everything under the sun and then some.
I was just going through the motions. Because I was going to wake up tomorrow and life would go on.
I was having a full-blown existential crisis.
I tore through the room for the mirror I saw earlier. I checked my eyes, my teeth. It was still me.
I laughed. Half out of relief and half out of absurdity. Because this was real. What the fuck was I supposed to make of that?
Was it even morning? How long did I sleep? There weren't any windows.
I threw the mirror aside, smashing my fist into the wall. Denting it. I kept going. I wanted out. I kept going even as my skin split.
Past the gold was stone. Harder. I kept going anyway.
I wanted out of this nightmare. Instead all I found was stone. Stone. More stone. I sat down amidst the rubble.
Alright. This was real. All of it. I had to relax. I had a plan. I might have not been taking it seriously, but I had a plan.
Footsteps? Heavy. Six Arms. They didn’t comment. Only beckoned me to follow. Back to the dojo.
It was all so fucking surreal.
The sphere I brought with me turned into armor again. And my sword…
Throwing the scabbard away, I gripped the hilt tight. Then I threw myself into the fray, losing myself in music as much as the fight.
Was I winning? Losing? Fuck knows. It was nice to just stop thinking.
At least until I felt the point of a spear digging into the crook of my neck. “You won’t learn without intent.”
I snorted. “How old are you? A few thousand years?”
“You ask the timeless of time. I am not a monkey to count every year that passes in the world that was.”
It stirred something bitter. Hateful. “Songs and stories also fade. We barely remember you.” The way they seemed to recoil only spurred me on. “One day even you will die.”
“You are not the first to spit those words at me. A thousand monkeys have cursed me with their dying breath.”
Yet they seemed shaken, their voice fainter.
“You know, I’ve been thinking.” I looked at my sword, the scant light in the room catching on it. Its edge had chipped in a few places, and the hilt had rusted slightly. “Why iron? Maybe because it reminds you of that ugly truth.”
Their fingers twitched on three of their hands. They turned around. “Your quarry waits for you. Or wait until Her Radiance tires of you.”
They sliced one of their swords across thin air before vanishing into the gloom again. It seemed a silly thing to do until I noticed a seam? where the sword had cut. Another rabbit hole to fall down?
Fuck it. At least it might be a change of scenery. And maybe I wasn’t thinking straight.
…
It was a change of scenery alright. A fucking frozen wasteland. Instant buyer’s remorse.
I let out a breath and it didn’t even mist so much as freeze and fall. I’d probably be more icicle than monkey right now if not for my armor. Every snowflake that touched it evaporated.
There was also a castle over yonder, shrouded in a blizzard. Otherwise it was just wasteland, wasteland, more wasteland…
After what felt like miles, I found a ruin more than a castle, caked in ice. There were a thousand nicks and cracks, with an entrance that was smashed to pieces.
Stepping over the rubble, I held up the sword like it was a cross. Fairies were only a few steps removed from vampires.
I must have searched half the castle when I finally found… her? She was taking a brush to her snow-white hair, her eyes closed. Maybe an inch shorter than Pink?
She swivelled around suddenly, her eyes like two chips of obsidian. “A monkey. She would set a filthy monkey on me?”
I tried. I really tried, but how was I supposed to be intimidated when she sounded like a squeaky toy?
“Or be you a reward for my treachery? Now, the way her tongue snaked between her rows of teeth… “It has been so long since I last feasted on the sweet flesh of a monkey.”
I was going to hear her out, but I think that’s all I needed to hear. And I had just the song in mind.
Well, I’m hot blooded, check it and see.
I don’t think she was expecting me to jam on my sword like a guitar.
I got a fever of a hundred and three.
It made it all the more funny when the room caught fire.
Her face immediately twisted into something monstrous, and so did her neon blue nails. A blizzard entered the room, trying to snuff my flames out. I just rocked harder.
Yeah, I’m hot blooded, check it and see.
The tiny terror threw herself at me.
Feel the fever burnin’ inside of me.
She was fast, but so was I while jamming to this song. And she recoiled when my sword so much as came near her.
The color was starting to bleed out of her after a few minutes like that, and all she had to show for it was a few scrapes on my armor.
She scampered back like a wounded animal, licking her claws.
“I think I have type advantage here,” I snarked.
I was doing a sick solo when she shrieked like a banshee and tried to flee. It only took a nick to get her to reconsider, her pale skin turning gray.
I touched it to her neck as the fight went out of her.
“End it,” she spat, staring up at me with big black eyes. “I betrayed my queen. My court.”
Now that it had come to it, I hesitated. Though I think I might have given her the wrong impression…
“No, you would ravage me first. Wouldn’t you? Tear me open. Fill me with your monkey filth.”
Her eyes turned feverish as I slowly backed away.
“And not just once. At least three times!” Her claws pulled at her gown. “I’d beg you to stop, to end it, but you wouldn’t listen.”
“I’m just going to go…”
“You’d know you couldn’t get your spawn on me, but you wouldn’t care. You…”
I closed the door. I was just going to have to come back empty-handed. Or maybe not at all.
There was a whole winter wonderland out there to explore.
AN: More of the cast. Also taking bets on whether Tall, Dark and Metal/Six Arms/Discount Gilgamesh is a guy or gal.
AN2: I don't think I'm going to put a continuation on the November Monthly Prompt poll. Maybe some months down the line I will. The worldbuilding has just taken too much time for a project on the side.
