alloraleewrites
patreon
CH 36 - Ragdoll
🕑 Added 2023-09-30 14:46:58 +0000 UTCA/N: I have changed Lizzo, the lizard, from Lizzo to Shade. Nothing else has changed but I decided this fit the story better. The previous name broke immersion.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ragdoll
Peak of Autumn, Week 5, Day 3
For all that I tried to be in control, the anger inside of me wouldn’t abate itself. That, logically, I knew being left alone was not odd. I had been in a room with a single entrance on hallowed ground. There was no mortal threat. Still. Another part of me was screaming.
“Would you like us to show you around Juvel, my Lady?” Sir Limrick quietly asked as we made our way quickly out of the church house after expedited goodbyes to the priestess who had greeted us.
Control yourself, Nora. I hissed in my head.
“Really rather not,” I said, my voice measured with just a touch of irritation leaking.
Sir Limrick gave me one of his tight-lipped-not-smiles-but-close, “What about visiting a park?”
I nearly snorted, “Are you trying to socialize me or something?”
At his stunned look, I stalled and turned to look at him fully, “You are. Like I’m –like I’m some kind of rabid–”
My voice cut off as I became overwhelmed with frustration.
“Rabid dog.” Klein amusedly finished for me. I pointed at him and nodded.
“Sir Limrick.” I tried very hard not to hiss, or growl, or yell.
He simply grabbed my arm and gently pulled me with him as he continued walking down the steps. I did not stumble behind him, instead speeding up my movements, so I was fighting to be in front.
“My Lady, you are very polite and kind,” Sir Limrick spoke smoothly despite my attempts to drag him along instead of the other way around, “But you have been alone long before this excursion.”
We were at the last step, and as Sir Limrick spoke, I froze. Turning towards the knight, I said coldly, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I have been brief–”
I yanked my arm away from him, and he released his hold easily, “You know nothing, Sir Limrick.”
If you knew the truth, would you shove me out into the world more or less?
“Lady Eunora,” Arlen chipped in, “I don’t think he meant it in a bad–”
“I don’t care what he meant,” I turned on the squire, “You’ve overstepped.”
Is this anger reasonable? Is this my anger? Are these the people responsible? I tried to take a deep breath – to get through to myself. It wasn’t working. I wanted to assuage my anger. I wanted to spit vitriol. Is this what a child would say?
“None of you know me,” I could feel it, the exact moment the edges of my vision turned dark. I brought my hands to my head, pressing into my skull, before looking up at the sky above us, “None of you even like me.”
At that, three voices erupted.
“My Lady–”
“Lady Eunora–”
“Damn–”
But I wasn’t listening. I was turning on my heel, and whispering.
“[Silent as a Shadow]”
The world turned to shades of grey, the sounds of footsteps, strangers, birds –they all fell away. Everything around me became fuzzy as if I was in a dream. The Skill was so much more intense now. Like I was in a whole new world. It was disorienting –but not enough to make me stumble. So I put one foot in front of the other and began to run.
One step. I felt my heel slam into the cobbled street. It jarred me.
Three steps. My hair whipped behind me. I focused on the empty space in front of me, dodging the blurred shapes of passer-bys smoothly.
Ten steps. The greyness began to crack. I could see it at the edges of my vision –color was returning to the world. I didn’t know why. No. I did know why. I just wasn’t ready. I sped up.
Fourteen steps. The world shattered, and vibrancy returned. I had been expecting it, so I closed my eyes as I took another step. The world fell away –literally. I kicked my feet, but I wasn’t moving. Instead, when I opened my eyes, I was looking directly into the face of a frowning bald man with bulging muscles.
Captain Rellar was holding me up by my armpits.
“Let me down,” I fumed, indignant.
“Absolutely not,” he grunted.
I tried to kick him, but I was too far away –dangling too thoroughly.
Become the God of Nora.
Use your Skills.
“[Steal Nerves]”
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to use it like this. If this was ever a domain of the Skill. But, still, I felt the world shift.
“Let me go, Captain Rellar.”
“No,” his hard gaze faltered momentarily, and I felt my anger solidify within me.
This anger is right. And it is mine. Somewhere inside of me, I had the same sense of wrongness I had felt the first time I used the Skill. But it couldn’t combat the strength of my confident anger.
“Why not?” I said, “Worried about me? Or just doing your job?”
I could see it, the moment his eyes changed. The moment he was overwhelmed by my Divinity. The moment–
“Turn of the Skill, my Lady,” he ground out.
I blinked, and the Skill broke –just like with [Silent as a Shadow], this monster was too much. The fight drained out of me, my anger disappearing. In its place came thick, streaming tears. I maneuvered my arms so I could cover my face and have some semblance of privacy as I broke down. Hot tears hit the soft body of Noir. He was just big enough to hide my view of the world.
Wrong. That Skill is so, so, so w r o n g. How could Morloch tell me to use this? I yelled in my own head, Why did I trust a damn God!
“My Lady?” I heard a feminine voice say to my side. The sound of footsteps running toward us echoed behind me.
I felt more and more people surrounding me, but I couldn’t stop the tears –and I refused to let anyone see my face, so I pressed Noir closer to me. I heard some muffled words and felt the wind gently brushing past me. Captain Rellar was holding me out like a bag of flour that was on the verge of bursting.
“What’s the matter with her?” Came Klein’s confused whisper.
“She’s just a kid. She must be–” Arlen’s voice wasn’t as cheery as usual, and somehow, that made it unbearable to listen anymore.
“Lady Eunora,” the same feminine voice I could now place as Dame Arella called to me, “Please look at me.”
I shook my head, but I felt the movement as Captain Rellar lowered me to the ground. Through no intentional effort and, instead, pure instinct, when my weight returned to me, I caught myself. I leaned my head down and refused to look up.
“My Lady–” Dame Arella’s voice was soft as she spoke, and I croaked an unintelligible response. To which she said, “What?”
“Nora,” I garbled through Noir’s fabric, “I just want to be called Nora.”
A gentle hand pressed down on top of my head, and then I was wrapped in a firm pair of arms.
Dame Arella spoke so softly I almost didn’t hear her say, “Nora, it’ll be all right.”
-
How embarrassing. I sighed as I stared at my puffy eyes in the mirror at the inn. I was sequestering myself in the bathroom out of a mix of shame, embarrassment, and guilt. Crying took the fight out of me.
Not to mention that, a full two hours later, Dame Arella still refused to leave my room.
“I’m fine!” I shouted through the door for the dozenth time.
“Then come out and face me!” She shouted back.
“No!” I groaned, rubbing my hands over my face.
I’d really given the knights a shock, apparently.
I poked the pink skin around my eyes. Another knock resounded. I gave a sigh and took a deep breath.
“[Sophism]”
The world was awash in red, not a white line in sight.
“Come on, Lady Nora,” Dame Arella’s voice sounded tired, and I only had myself to blame. That was where the guilt came into play.
So, dismissing the rotten Skill, I ripped the door open, immediately focusing my eyes over Dame Arella’s shoulder and distinctly not on her face, “Fine! I’m here, I’m fine, no more weird tears –if that’s even what they were.”
My voice was more solid than I’d expected, but I could only hold myself off for so long before my gaze flickered to the frown on Dame Arella’s face.
“Lady Nora, I really think we should talk.”
“I want to go to sleep.”
“It’s 5 o’clock.”
“I’m really extremely tired.”
“Fifteen minutes, my Lady–” as I flinched at the title, she quickly corrected herself, “Lady Nora–no, Nora. Come, sit down.”
Dame Arella gestured to the bed. That’s all there really was in this room, after all. An oversized bed with a half dozen knit animals, an oversized black blanket —that I had definitely not put there— and the bedding it had come with. There was space aplenty to walk around, but no other furniture besides the wall-mounted shelves that held the same style of bag my clothes always came in.
I dragged myself over to the soft mattress, kicked off my shoes, and crawled to the center of the bed –pillows closing me in on either side and knit animals by my crossed legs.
“I’m here,” I whispered as if it was being waterboarded out of me.
Dame Arella’s blonde hair was pulled back, and her brown eyes were focused on me. As she approached, she moved slowly as if scared to spook me. As if I was a feral cat. I snorted mentally at the thought, and a wry smile crossed my face.
I called myself a rabid dog earlier, didn’t I? Can’t be mad if that’s how they see me.
As I was chastising myself once again for being embarrassing, Dame Arella seemed to be composing a speech. I could see the contemplation and resistance on her face.
“You really don’t have to worry about me,” I tried, only my voice wobbled, and Dame Arella furrowed her brow.
“I really think I do,” she sighed, “We thought you were scared of us, that it was normal. Kids are always either scared or in awe. It’s never– It isn’t – Not that you–”
She ran her hand across her jaw, at a loss, “We never thought we came across like that.”
I reached out and gripped the nearest knit animal –Haze, the panda– and pulled him close to me.
“It’s really not anyone’s fault. I’m just–” my voice was raw, tears pricking at the back of my eyes, and when I continued, I was whispering, “– I’m broken, I guess.”
Dame Arella closed her eyes, “You’re too young to be that broken. You have too much to give. It’s not that we don’t like you, Nora. It’s the opposite. If we let how much we’ve become invested in you cloud us, we’ll compromise your safety.”
She opened her eyes and nodded slowly, “I was already willing to let you ride with us –if the Captain hadn’t reminded me we’re here to keep you safe, I would have let you. What if a blight had gotten through the formation? Siobhan is constantly fighting brambles off from the scout line. If you got hurt? You’re just a child. We’d never forgive ourselves.”
I stared at Haze intently, heat creeping up my cheeks. But Dame Arella made a frustrated sound.
“George is constantly scolding Neil and Undein for begging off their chores when we break so they can check on you. Not to mention, the Captain is meticulously planning the rotation to keep you safe. He absorbs the mana you release–” She stuttered but continued as my eyes snapped to hers, “ – and keeps the wards topped up. We can all feel your aura, my la–Nora. The strings of fate melt before it, and it’s a burden we want to share.”
She paused, “Will you let us share it?”
They knew –they knew the whole time. I took a shaky breath. No matter what I do, I’m left open like a fresh wound. My nerves on display and frayed for any stray passing thought to destroy me.
“Nora,” Dame Arella said, eyes scanning me, “Focus.”
I shook my head and looked up at her, “I…”
“You are not alone. You have the knights of the Dusk.”
I swallowed.
“Will you trust us? Will you give us some of your burden to bear?”
“I…” I squeezed Haze tightly, letting a thought form I had pushed down again and again.
I had let myself fester because the pain felt right. The grief was mine to bear in a world that was anything but home. Above it all, though, from the moment I awoke, I had a single thought.
I’m lonely. So, so, achingly lonely.
“I’ll try.”
Comments
Joe
Most Fun
Quendolayne
Guards and protection you choose yourself … for this case you are right bc it was a free-will decision and you can terminate it whenever you want. Guards and protection someone else choose for you w/o the opportunity to release them is just a nicer name for wardens/prison guard/slavers and you owe them nothing. The expectation someone knows better then you and has therefore the right to rule your life is oppression and tyranny and only revolution or exile is the answer. And ofc all this is only relevant if you are able to make self conscious choices and has the power to enforce them. So, no it isn’t childish to hate ones prison guards and wanting freedom - btw many bad people in History just did their job and it is absolutely okay to hate them for it and punish them.
SnappyDragon
Yeah, the guards are at least trying to be responsible adults at the moment. Many of Eunora's adult memories are there but she's got both the brain chemistry of a child and a child's memories fighting her for the driver's seat. Hard to imagine how that's affecting her. Also, remember that Eunora is an unreliable narrator, ascribing the worst motives to people's interactions with her, (They hate her, think she's pathetic etc.) My reading is that Sir Limrick begins by trying to take what he interprets as a lonely girl to the park. Eunora interprets that as them training her because she isn't good enough, Limrick tries to point out that she's been left alone too long by adults who should know better and she snaps.
Grappleshot
I've read that if you make vengeance a life mission, one day when it is fully achieved there's usually nothing left to live for, unless they made some friendships that will knock some sense into them, like Nora's plushies. That would obviously mean she goes insane, stuffs people's souls into her plushies, or they gain a soul of her own due to divinity. With the knights as her friends I imagine her flying into battle with an animated scarf of woven darkness and clothes to fly while shouting about valour or friendship.
Ronny Cook
She's not a child, but parts of her adult self have been ripped away, and without constant self-vigilance she may be subject to even worse. And I disagree that she isn't depressed; locking herself up for weeks, months at a time is something of an indicator, and she was more or less forced out - by her (nominal) new family. Her guards may be limiting her autonomy, but they clearly do care about her, and THEY don't know that she's an adult in a child's skin. Basically, before judging her guards she needs to recognise what they actually know about her - which is extremely limited - and their sworn duty to protect her. They are OBLIGATED to limit her authority in some ways - as is true of the guards of any authority figure under a protection detail. Planning revenge on people for just doing their damn job - now THAT would be childish. Fortunately Nora seems to recognise all this and now seems to be ready to open up a little.
Quendolayne
As far as I understand the isekai’ed part of her don’t have depression and isn’t a child. This make most if your (in other cases absolutely correct) assessment less correct. The tyranny of “I’m o,der then you and this gives me the right to rule your life” is nothing more then “Might makes right” and this deserves a answer/retaliation in kind. Nothing more and nothing less was my point: “Bid your time and make them pay for their interference in your life - even if it is 5/10/15 years in the future”
Gopard
Thanks for the chapter!
Gopard
I disagree... She is suffering from AT LEAST major depressive episodes! No idea what else might be mixed in there additionally... But for someone suffering from this much depression and social anxiety being "disturbed" and "infringed upon her autonomy to "lock herself up do nothing and waste/grief away" is HELPFULL!!! Its the ONLY WAY this can ever HEAL, being "left alone" can maybe lead to a future where the depression gets so bad it either ends in suicide or that much hatred and despair that at that point everyone and everything becomes either "the enemy" or "absolutely unimportant" both can only lead to a miserable life! Now consider this: Nora is a CHILD even if she WASN'T suffering from a serious mental condition she would NEED attention and guidance, that's what adults are there for and the reason people with inattentive parents turn out messed up! The knights are currently the ONLY allies Nora has and her only chance to start a process of HEALING and not "embracing the depression"! The only thing that can happen if she is "left alone" is at BEST that her depression stays just as bad as it's now forever(because as I said already it's waaayyy to severe to just "go away") or it get's worse ending in apathy/suicide or her going straight up beserk in other words either Eunora's LITERAL or figerutal death!
Quendolayne
Hmmm, she tried to take control, to have agency … just to have it ripped away by the cruel fate/story. So there are only to ways: One, bid her time, bite her tongue and wait until she is strong enough to pay back every indignity she suffered (especially this Captain) or Second, shut down, shut the world out and pay them the attention they deserve - none. With what right they infringe on her autonomy? Only with the right of might therefore they deserve to get exact the same back.
SnappyDragon
I needed to take some deep breaths after the emotional pressure of this chapter. I could feel the pressure in my chest.
