Benn {DoomGender} Ends
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April 2019 Bonus Story
🕑 Added 2019-04-24 02:03:31 +0000 UTCHey all,
Finally, this month's bonus story! It's a damn cute one, so I hope you enjoy!
Winning prompt: A cute little robot trying to coax her human lover into undergoing the cyber-conversion they both know, deep down, that she wants
Suggested by: Olivia Waters (Thanks!! Needed an excuse to write cute stuff!)
- 2550 words
CW:
- Robot/Human
- Mention of human-to-robot conversion
- Mention of hospitals/doctors
- Metaphors for gender transition that also actually involve gender transition
- Dysphoria/general body dissatisfaction
- Robot hand holding
~~~
You’re trying to pull a box off the top shelf of the back of the closet. Ugh. How did it get all the way back in there? It’s heavy, it’s awkward, and you’re already tired cuz you didn’t get enough sleep last night. And your shoulder hurts, why does your shoulder hurt. Bleh.
“Hey, let me help you silly!”
You partner is behind you, poking you in the side playfully. You extricate yourself from the closet, and look down at her chassis, made up of soft plastic polymers over a metal frame. Her big digital eyes blink cutely at you, and she smiles.
“You just want to show off.”
“No, I wanna make your life easier. And, also yeah, maybe show off a lil bit.”
You step aside, and gesture to the box.
“Please, mighty machine. Show the human your superior capabilities.”
“With pleasure!”
As she steps, panels in her body start to slide subtly, noiselessly. Watching it takes your breath away. It’s magical. Extending, rearranging, proportions changing. She typically stands at about 5’4” but her body alters it’s shape rapidly, and she stands over you and easily pulls the box down with one hand. She steps back, body reverting to it’s default with a delicate clicking, before she hands you the box. You frown at her, and take it.
“What’s wrong? Are you. Jealous~?”
For a fraction of a second, your breath catches in your throat. You do your best to play it cool, but she is terribly perceptive.
“Jealous? Ha!”
“You can just admit it you know. I know the way you look at me when you think I’m not watching. There’s no shame in it, my body is very cool.”
Your whole brain freezes, and your stomach just about drops out.
That’s not… You don’t want that.
Right?
“I- Wow. I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m just looking at your cute butt.”
She nods quickly, not taking her eyes off you.
“I do have a cute butt.”
“Yeah you do, anyway, I gotta put this box down-”
“BUT”
“Oh geez…”
“I know it’s not only about that.”
And she starts to change shape again, her expression flickering into one more serious, settling her figure into something slender and sleek, standing a few inches taller than you, stepping forward as you step back, as your back hits the wall with a thump and you gasp. Her extra pair of arms unfolds, three arms trapping you against the wall as the fourth takes the box from your arms and sets it on the floor beside you. Her eyes fix on yours, still playful, but focused.
“I d-don’t-”
“Look. I know you. You don’t like to talk about big stuff. So sometimes. I need to give you a little push.”
One of her hands slides slowly up your shirt, gliding her warm, synthetic fingertips towards your chest. When she gets like this, it’s hard for you to keep your sentences straight. Stumbling over every word, and you just know she can tell exactly how fast your heart is beating just from resting her palm over it.
“I- I- Um.”
“I was human once too, you know? I get it. There’s all those weird hangups, and sometimes it’s hard to imagine it getting any better. But. You can just say what you want you know. You’re safe. I get it.”
“I… want…”
You slowly slide down the wall, until you’re sitting on the floor with your knees against your chest.
“Fuck.”
She beeps quietly, then shifts to sit beside you, butting her shoulder against yours.
“I’m sorry, too much push?”
“No. Not too much.”
You rest your head against her shoulder for a moment, but she pats her leg, and you end up laying on the floor with your head on her lap. She’s warm, and you can feel the low hum of her internal motors running softly, hear the soft flowing of liquid coolant, the intricate sense of motion that takes place even when she is very still. There’s something about it that soothes you. You blink slowly, then tilt your head to look at her. She brushes some hair away from your face with her fingertips.
“What are you thinking?”
There’s that heavy feeling in your chest. Like, dread, but also. Laced with the silver edges of excitement.
“I guess. I was trying not to think about it. I don’t know why.”
“It’s a big thing.”
“Not really even? I mean, you’re. Or, I mean, you did it. I should just have asked. What it’s like. How it feels.”
She rubs her thumb across your forehead thoughtfully.
“Well, never too late to start asking questions. I’m an open book.”
“No, you’re a robot.”
She giggles, an electric sound that always makes you smile.
“Okay, I guess, ah. What made you decide to do it?”
A small beep, as she looks pensive.
“Well, It really hit me when I met up with an old friend of mine who had changed. They had this incredible sleek looking body, with polished ceramic panels, and it really stuck in my head. And, they looked really happy, you know?”
You stay quiet, letting her tell her story without interruption.
“After that. I thought about it. Really thought about it. Made a pros and cons list and everything! But I was like. I already transitioned once, might as well keep getting weirder!”
She laughs again.
“There were some things about my body I just didn’t believe I’d ever be satisfied with. So, I wasn’t sad to see it go I guess.”
Your leg is getting uncomfortable, so you have to shift a bit.
“Were you scared?”
“Yeah, of course. It’s a weird thing, right? The second hardest part was admitting that I wanted it at all. The hardest part was being like. No, I’m actually gonna fix this. I can fix it, and I will take the steps to get what I want.”
You sit up. One of your legs fell asleep and now is getting all tingly. You try to stretch it out while making a face.
“See, this is exactly the kinda garbage I do not need. Ugh.”
She stands up, reaches out a hand to help you to your feet.
“We’ll go somewhere comfier.”
As she leads you to the kitchen, you ask, “I didn’t know you when you were human. How different do you feel? Do you forget what being human is like?”
As she takes a seat at the table, she runs a finger along the seam that separates her display visor from the more human looking lower half of her face. It’s something you see her do a lot when she’s thinking hard about something.
“I can manually sort my memories, so it’s not like I really ‘forget’ anything. It does feel pretty far away though. Sometimes, when I’m glancing over older memories, and not digging in too deep, I kinda forget that I was human back then. Almost like, I was always a robot?”
Before you sit, you grab a drink from the fridge as she continues.
“That effect gets even stronger in memories back before I knew I’m trans. I was barely human at that point. Ha! Full circle I guess.”
“So, you feel better like this?”
“Oh definitely. I didn’t always know exactly what person I wanted to be, but I knew whatever I was then, was wrong. Converting to a synth body took away a lot of the barriers and limitations that kept me from being able to explore. And now, I don’t have that weird resentment towards what I see every other time I look in a mirror or take a selfie, and that alone was worth it if I’m being honest.”
Oof. That hits something, deep in your chest. There’s a very complicated knot of feelings starting to unravel way quicker than you know how to handle.
“Oh, FUCK.”
You drop your head into your hands and groan.
“What? Are you okay?”
She nervously beeps as she squeezes your arm.
“I’m trans too aren’t I. Goddamn it, can I just stick to one revelation at a time, please??”
Scooting her chair over closer to yours, she wraps an arm around you, squeezing your shoulders tight.
“I mean, I kinda guessed that part too, but I figured you’d tell me when you were ready.”
“UUUUUGGGHHHH!”
You’re laughing now, and she doesn’t let go, and she holds you close and you cling to her as the laughing turns to giggly, confused tears.
“It’s okay.”
“Why didn’t I know sooner? Why? Fuck, I have you, how didn’t I figure it out? Why didn’t I just ask? Why-”
She beeps at you sternly.
“Finding out who you are is always messy. I took me six years after I figured out the trans stuff to know I was sick of being human. You’re getting it all out at once, I’m proud!”
Laughing, crying, letting yourself be held in her warm arms.
“I guess, better late then never, right?”
“Of course. Don’t rush yourself, take a bit to think about what it all means. And ask me whatever, if it helps.”
You nod, and sit back upright. She moves to give you some air. You grab a napkin and start trying to dry your eyes even though you’re half sure you’ll start up again any moment. Oh, there it goes. But it’s okay, it’s not really bad crying.
Just, release.
~~~
“Um. Thanks.”
“For what?”
“For pushing a little, then backing off, letting me figure it out myself.”
“Of course!! It’s not my thing, it’s your thing. Just cuz I’ve been here before doesn’t mean I know exactly what you need. I’m only the support!”
You nod, and fiddle with the ties of your hospital gown. It’s mostly anxious excitement, really. But.
“I’m still a little nervous.”
“Yeah. It’s be over soon though. Wanna go over the checklist again?”
Right. The checklist. You put it together two weeks after that day. All the stuff you needed to have the procedure. It all took a while, but not as long as you expected.
“Sure.”
“We got all the paperwork in order.”
“Check.”
“You got procedure approval.”
“Yup, easy.”
“You made it to the hospital in time.”
“Four hours early actually.”
“Mhm. Got your body design all ready to go?”
“Took forever, but yeah. God, I love it.”
“Me too!! And it’s been manufactured and shipped here for the procedure.”
“Yeah. It looked really good in person, didn’t it? Weird to think. That that will be me in a couple hours.”
She brushes some hair away from your face, tucks it behind your ear before kissing your cheek.
“You’re you, silly. No matter what you look like, or whatever material your physical body is mostly made of.”
“Yeah… Yeah. Weird. Okay, what else is on the list?”
“Okay. Hmm. Did you ever find someone to drive you home after?”
“Haha, very funny.”
“Heh, check check then. I think that’s it? We’ve got all the maintenance accessories and charging stuff at home. You’ve got the medical technicians here in case you have any trouble adapting in the next few weeks. You’ve got me, and I’m great.”
“You are pretty great.”
She makes a face at you.
“Very great.”
“Better!”
“I guess that’s it then huh.”
“Yup!”
“It’s. It’s really happening. I’m gonna be a machine soon.”
“A girl machine, to boot. And cute one too~”
You flush and nod. You think about the body you designed. She helped you find an artist to commission, and they helped you sort out your rough ideas into something physically workable and elegant. It really is beautiful. More ‘you’ then you ever figured you would get to be. And even if you get tired of something, or want a change, once the procedure is done, you’ll be able to swap out parts easily. You’ll have a kind of autonomy over your self that you could only dream of before.
“I think. I’m ready.”
“Good, cuz I think I see the tech coming.”
“WHAT?! Aaahhhh I’msonervouswhatthefuck aaaaaa-”
She squeezes your hand.
“Hey, I’m here. I’m gonna be with you the whole time, and I’ll be there when you wake up. We’re gonna get there, and you’re gonna close your eyes, and the next time you open them, it will be done.”
~~~
“Done. Right. I can’t believe. It’s done.”
“Yup!”
You flex your fingers, fixated on the way that seams of the joints fold together, just so. The complexity of the system that makes up your new form, locked together with clockwork precision. You can feel the turning of gears inside you, the tiny motors and actuators and servos and circuits running constantly. It was something you had to request specially, actually. You have way more internal sensors than is standard, and you can flip them on so you can really feel everything. When you were human, the quiet was what really got to you. Having all that noise to focus on is soothing. And if you need to, you can turn the sensors off, and have quiet on your own terms.
It’s been a week. You still give out a startled beep whenever you catch your reflection when you aren’t expecting it. And the beeping catches you off guard too, cuz you aren’t used to beeping all the time, so it makes you beep more cuz you beep when you’re surprised now. So, you walk past a mirror half the time and just start beeping a bunch while she giggles at you.
“You are so fucking cute it should be a crime.”
“S-shut up!”
Your voice. Oh, you love your new voice. There’s a quality of it that reminds you of your old one, but it has a lovely electric hum to it, and it’s still deep, but a pretty femme, and. You hum a few notes, just to hear the sound.
“You smile a lot more now, you know that?”
“Yeah. I.”
You run your fingers along the seam of your display absentmindedly. A little habit you picked up from her.
“I guess I just feel right, you know? I mean, I’m sure I could find something to complain about but. For once, I kinda just feel content? Not content, even. Like, happy as a baseline?”
She nods and beeps happily at you. You automatically respond with beeping back, and then there’s a little musical trill as the two of you rapidly trade expressions of affection through encoded beeping.
“Does that feeling go away?”
“I mean, you know it doesn’t fix everything. The only thing that can really really fix the difficult stuff is like. Hard work, and trying your best. But yeah, that bubbly feeling of liking your body? Hasn’t gone away for me yet.”
She interlaces her fingers into yours. You nod, and let her trace the seam of your display with her other hand. You don’t really have hair now, so that’s what she does when she’s feeling affectionate instead of brushing your hair aside. That, and a lot of beeping.
You let the feeling of the mechanisms that keeps you moving wash over you. A rush of comforting noise, static, little things to focus on.
“Hey.”
“What’s up?”
“Thank you.”
“I’m just really glad I could help.”
Comments
Benn Ends
Yeah, I'm in the same boat to be honest. Glad the story hit you in a nice way!
Mimic
This was really really lovely and I am having a lot of feelings. I'm trans and HRT has been a blessing, but I still wish I could be this assured of who I want to be.
Benn Ends
Oh, big same on that 😄
Astrid
Uff da. that was definitely a good read. I'm a little envious of the main character, to be quite honest.
cuddlyfoxgirl
Awwww gosh this is wonderful 💜
BZArcher (Blind Zen Archer)
Mmhmm. I’d sign up tomorrow if I suddenly could, no questions asked. Which might be even more trouble... :)
Benn Ends
I totally get that. Like, hrt helped me a lot, but there are times when I look at myself and still don't feel right. I think the energy going into this story was very much Aspirations For A Solution That Does Not Yet Exist
BZArcher (Blind Zen Archer)
Er. I guess I ran out of characters. But short version is - I dearly, dearly wish I was them, and it hurts a little bit knowing I never can be.
BZArcher (Blind Zen Archer)
I have complicated? Feelings? On the one hand - that *OH SHIT* moment is nearly exactly the way I realized I was trans, and that feeling of the world collapsing and reshaping and suddenly looking *different*...yeah. That resonated. So did that feeling of delight and happiness in the body - I'm BARELY along in my HRT but just dressing to present femme, expressing that, identifying *myself*, truly, for the first time in my life...I can taste that. And I know it'll get stronger. But...for all that, I felt this intense jealousy. To be able to fix *so much* in relatively short times, in relatively simple procedures, to have a *perfect* body of my own design...
Benn Ends
Thank you for the prompt, I had a good time with it :3
Olivia Waters
Ms Ends, that is so totally, totally lovely. n.n
