gerogh
patreon
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🕑 Added 2019-10-02 03:05:35 +0000 UTCHello everyone, it's Gero.
First of all, I must apologize for being unable to fulfill the scheduled date and bringing up this apology.
My mental state actually hasn't recovered and must halt the project. I haven't been recovering, but I was being chased by living expenses and time. Which forced me to open Patreon and commission when I still had problems and nothing was solved. My family issues, and living expenses being pushed to the limit because of it.
I tried, I've really tried to draw starting from August, but extreme Anthropophobia and depression, along with other tragic events just made me burnt out by everything. I've lost my will to draw completely. However, to eat and live, and to uphold the promise for my dear patrons who have been waiting. I've tried to endure and draw, but I've failed.
Because of being unable to sustain my self, I've had debts, and my bank account was empty. I was completely bound by the idea that If I fail, everything ends. To live I struggled to try and draw, but my mental state was getting worse day by day. Also, I still couldn't solve my terrible relationship with my parents. From a mid-last month or so, I wasn't thinking about anything or doing anything, I lost my will to live.
In case there are any questions about thinking about getting another job, I didn't suddenly become like this.
Just in the early days of last year, my patreon was growing and I felt joy in my artwork and had confidence in the future. However, slowly but surely, bad things happened and it was wearing me out, but each moment I thought I can't let go of drawing just because of these small issues. When I realized I was mentally ill, I wasn't able to think about finding another job, because I couldn't even think about going outside the house.
From early this year I was going to the hospital for mental care, but because I was running out of money, I couldn't handle the medical bill either, I couldn't afford to buy medicine. I've realized that just trying to handle everything by my self isn't possible and decided to ask for help. It was too late, my parents were hostile to me, and I had no friends or relatives to contact. I was at a dead end. That was the last day of September.
I stopped attempting to draw, I stopped most of the internet activity and just ate, stared at the blank white screen for hours, try to forget about painful thoughts by drinking and playing games. All the while more hateful arguments with my parents were going on, it broke me completely.
So from last week, I decided to leave out everything and prepare for the worst choice, I still had leftover fire-starting charcoal. I've decided to die in between October 1st~5th, I didn't really have anything to clean up anyway.
But I've drunk talked about what's been happening to me to my online friend. I've was talking to him in the sense of don't live like me, don't make mistakes like me... My friend got the hint that something's really up and continued to ask about my state. He was my online friend, but I've been friends with him for several years, and while Patreon and commissions were doing great, he would help me with translations and editing, he was quite dear to me. I wasn't considering another person but I thought I need to tell him that I need to say something to my friend before I go. So 3 days ago, I've told him everything and I'm going to leave everyone and go.
Of course, he was shocked and told me not to do it, but I've kept telling him the details of what's going on, and my friend accepted that it could be the only answer. I thought it'll just end there, but he lent his hand to me. At first, I thought he was just trying to tell me to live on, but he seriously considered giving me financial help. Between personal relationships, when money is involved things are most likely to go haywire, especially when it's going to be about debt. I tried to deny his help, but he eagerly tried to help me... and showed me how to get out of this hell hole.
Last night, with my friend's vigorous attempt to give me hope and live. I've started to desire to live again and took his helping hand. With his financial help I was able to pay the debt and taxes, and now writing about it here.
I've solved the immediate problems, but I'm still not in great shape. Especially with mental health being the current state, I've realized I really need to rest. Also, my friend told me that, he can't take care of all financial problem but he cares for most and that I need to focus on recovering. Also, I told me to stop holding on to the burden on my won, and ask for help everywhere. That's one of the reasons why I'm writing this. It's an apology, but also a piece of writing to ask for everyone's help.
It's a long story about my personal life, but because of the above reason, I'd like to stop updating Patreon for a while. I'll definitely be coming back, but I don't know when I'll be coming back, It could be the last month of the year or it could be early next year. Also, I'm trying to gather money from anywhere I can to try and survive. Things like opening up gumroad for past rewards. As soon as I have enough mental strength to be able to draw again, I'll come back to draw again like the years before when I was running Patreon in good terms.
I was able to recover from losing my will to live completely, and I've realized I can't end it like this and must struggle and fight. However, restoring Patreon, starting back commission, or getting another job must come later as I need to fix my mental state. As I can't even doodle. I need to completely cut off my self from my family, and little by little start to talk to other people. Start jogging outside to get back on my exercise and outings.
Also, those who have trusted me, and continued to support me. I would like to ask for your help. You've waited to see great artworks from me, but I would really appreciate it if you guys could support me further. Well, no, not just appreciation, I promise to come back with greater works than before.
Thank you for supporting me all this time, and thank you for reading this long article. I hope you'd understand my situation, and can forgive me. Although I won't be posting art for a while I'll be leaving my status regularly. I'd really really appreciate your help through patreon if you continue to support, and save my life. After that, I will, with my name and my life on the line, come back with a healthy state to draw once again like before.
Thank you, everyone, and I'm so sorry everyone.
