DerekVasconi
patreon
End of Days.
🕑 Added 2019-09-16 17:16:35 +0000 UTCFirst, all of you who gave me such beautiful words of encouragement in the last Patreon post... THANK YOU. Also, didn't mean to sound like... I guess not understanding... when some of you mentioned I seek professional help. That just blindsided me... because I didn't think I was sounding that far gone. Honestly, I am in an emotional place where I can't get out of the constant feeling of pain I have inside because my circumstances haven't changed and I get caught in mental loops thinking about my circumstances. Like, have any of you ever been cheated on? It's THAT kind of feeling you get when you find out the person you loved the most is sharing laughter, touching, and body fluids with another person. It's a sharp jabbing type feeling that you get just underneath your sternum and it won't go away. It burns almost, or like a burning sensation that occupies your every move until you can't move at all. Or something like that.
But, for now, I'm going to just look at what I'm doing and focus on that. I realize that is more what you guys want to hear about anyway, right? So I'm sorry to have spilt so much in the last post... I'm sure it was more distracting to what you are coming to this Patreon account for, and I guess what I should do is focus on the business of moving on. I can't figure out how to do that quite yet, but... I'm going to try.
I filmed Rei's graduation from Burst Girl today. It was heartbreaking in so many ways. It was Rei who I saw swinging that baseball bat at an otaku, in that one video I saw on that one blog long ago, that brought me to the idol world. It was Guso Drop, which was Burst Girl's old incarnation, with a few other members that are currently in Burst Girl now (and even fewer after today). Rei was somebody who I never connected with though during the Guso Drop era. We just never spoke, except maybe once or twice, I think? We didn't have that kind of relationship... she was too fucking scary, to be honest. She is a beast onstage and super nuts and overall a punk idol and leader in the idol world. Or was (I Have to start using the past tense now with her... God, now THAT is way more depressing than my bullshit!). And you know, today was fun but also very emotionally heavy. Many people were openly weeping throughout the live and also the MC, and I'm talking grown, tattooed up Japanese dudes as well as girls and emo types. The girls were crying too. Miyako especially. She was losing it onstage. And she was so upset and pissed off and sad all put together. The shot I have for this post... I tried to capture it. She was feeling something more intense than I can even begin to express in this post. I think they all were. Fuck... even REI was crying, and I don't think I've ever really seen her cry. EVER.
I was able to have some nice moments with the girls at least. They are always super nice to me. I filmed them backstage and caught their moment right before going onstage for the last time as the four piece that they have been since Burst Girl started. There is an unusually close bond between them all and it shows if you hang out with them for even a few minutes.
Anna, who was an ex-member of Guso Drop and is now in GuGuLuLu, came after the show was over and I caught her interaction with the girls. It was very touching. Everybody was weeping. I also got Himari meeting up with Rei before the show. Her and Ricky showed up and Himari, too, was an emotional wreck. This is her idol boyfriend, after all, lol. She sat in the top balcony Rokumeikan and had her hands to her mouth, just... in awe. I could see her from the stage as I filmed Burst Girl's live set. You can see her and Ricky up there and all the idols and people who showed up to pay their respects to Boss. You couldn't fucking move in the venue, actually. It was wall to wall and door to stage packed as all fuck. And that was to be expected. And how fitting the final for Rei was at Rokumeikan, where Guso Drop had their weekly shows for all those years and how much Rokumeikan was the home for Guso Drop and Burst Girl too. It was super nostalgic for me too... just being in the action, getting lifted in the air so many times by fans so I can get the perfect shots (many of which I didn't because my camera was being a dick and much of my shots were too blurry, or there was too much light coming in, and yeah, it's not the best quality in some parts). I got dropped pretty hard on my back during my first lift, but fans picked me up pretty fast. I lost my green beanie and somebody found it and put it on my head while I was filming. Then I lost it again for good until after the show... my friend Kai found it and held onto it. Thanks Kai. I filmed from every possible place in the venue, including the center of the destructive pit, a broken side gate on its side that I could climb up next to the speakers, the back of the stage and side of the stage, the balcony, and right up front. I was crowdsurfing with the girls and I got many shots of Miyako and Yurapico slapping fans. One shot I got of Rei grabbing a guy by the throat and choking him. Just... fucking insanity. Some guy even jumped right into my camera... and my camera survived. No damage, thank God. And after the show, I even got to say hello to the new members joining Burst Girl. They are going to be forces to be reckoned with, let me tell you. I can just tell... the world isn't going to be ready for those two.
Tomorrow (well, technically today, since it's the next day as I'm writing this), I am going to film Lilii Kaona's dance practice, and then after this, Nanomoral's acoustic live show. So another day of shooting. And this week is pretty packed with shooting and more. I am also putting up some new artists on Idol Underworld and meeting with some artists this week that I want to join. I'm slowly reaching the goal of 20 to 30 artists by December. Little by little.
Today just felt emotionally difficult for an entirely different reason that is the reason I feel emotionally wasted every day. Rei... she meant so much to me, despite her not being my oshi in Guso Drop. She meant so much to so many people, and I know when an idol graduates, we all have a tendency to talk about them like they died, but really, it's a part of us that dies when these idols go on to the next part of their lives, you know? It's not the idols breathing their last breath, but taking in new air into their beautiful lungs. And all we should really do is support them, because the point of idol is to support, love, and escape.
Kind of weird how that perfectly describes my last relationship.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy some of these screenshots I'm uploading from the show. Please keep them here. Do not share these with anyone. I have shared these only with Burst Girl to use on their social media accounts, and I have used one of these for my FB and Twitter posts about today. But these are all for you, because I want you all to really enjoy what I'm doing. Please feel free to comment on everything here.
Oh, and I'm thinking about revamping my Patreon tiers, since I don't really have anyone doing the higher tiers and I want to encourage more of you to help me on a higher level... so let me know what you would like to see me offering. I have no idea what to do, but maybe you do? Let me know. It would mean a lot to me if you did.
Thank you again for supporting me. Always thank you for supporting me, and for listening to me talk about my internal mess that I've yet to clean up. And of course, ANY help you can give me is appreciated, since I just dropped nearly a thousand dollars in the past two weeks on interviews and other expenses. That was my rent money for the next month lol.
Take care and much love,
D
Comments
Another post filled with passion and emotion, and I appreciate it. You can write whatever you want to in this place, because we choose to support you, not only with donations, but by being sounding boards and letting you express whatever it is you need to express to live your dreams and keep marching forward. Thank you for another emotion filled piece, I so looking forward to seeing the end result of this hard work. As always, be well my friend.
Thank you. Hanging by loose idol threads but still hanging. I'll be okay. I always am. Today was something to remind me about what is important in my life now... getting this documentary done so we all have a living witness to this point in history where idols were a "thing" for us all to enjoy. Idols are transient by nature, so... I am happy to be a witness to these moments and I hope you will be too. And these moments right now are all I have to keep me from losing myself completely to mental loops that will probably render me immobile for much longer than I would like to be lol. Anyway... thank you!
I haven't read this post completely... I just read the first paragraph... And I wanted to let you know that... Yes I know exactly what you're going trough... Been there... You too will pull trough... But it is a long, hard and painful road... It won't make it easier... But know that I and all the other..so that means We... We are all here to support you trough this... Hang in there buddy 😉
