DerekVasconi
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Throwing Water at a Brick Wall...
🕑 Added 2019-09-14 15:48:44 +0000 UTCLast week was fucking insane.
I interviewed so many people for my documentary, set up meetings with producers for Idol underworld, and on top of that, still found time to do Necroma business. I literally have fallen asleep the past couple of nights with my fingers on my computer keyboard trying to keep up with all the work I have now.
Today, I went to see CY8ER. I wanted to talk to their producer. CY8ER was playing with Migma Shelter and Uijin at Shibuya O-West (or east? I can't fucking remember). I stepped inside the venue and couldn't even move past the door, it was so fucking packed.
That didn't stop me, of course, from grabbing a beer at the bar on the other side of the venue. I settled into a nice viewing spot just as Uijin finished up and CY8ER came onstage pretty fast... or at least I think they did. I couldn't see past the wall of fucking wotas who were lifted in the air in front of the stage and the hundreds of light blades flashing everywhere. Seriously, it was like, I think, over 30 people lifted all at once! Just... that's incredible to witness, and very much what you see at idol shows that are that big and kicked into full gear like it always is at CY8ER's lives. I forgot how emotionally overwhelming they are live, and how much fun they are too. I was really, really tempted to say FUCK IT and join in the dancing.
Thank you, Marlon, for the ticket. I didn't have time to buy one so he got me the ticket and then made the introduction to CY8ER's producer for me too, since everybody knows Marlon in CY8ER's camp.
I talked to the producer... he seemed interested, at least, in getting an email from me to discuss a meeting. So we'll see if that actually happens. I hope it does. I really, really want to work with CY8ER, particularly Hamuchan, and totally move to that next level of idol in what I'm doing. I hope it will happen. I need it to happen.
This week I have some more meetings lined up, but also Burst Girl Rei's graduation show. I wonder how I will feel to see Rei leave? She means so much to me. I... I dunno. It will be painful, I think, to see that happen, but as with all idols.... they are transient, here today, gone today. I'll save my feelings on that for another time.
I did get to spend a nice night with Mishima san, Koyuki, and Yuka from Lilii Kaona. They allowed me to watch their songwriting process and record it. I got some great footage from that too. I'm so happy I could make that happen. I'll be getting a lot more footage of them soon.
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You know, I've really been dealing with a lot of mental stuff. It's stuff I can't be specific about because of people that are involved with this "stuff," I'm talking about, but... can I just be honest right now and say to all of you that I'm struggling still? I mean, I got a lot of great encouragement and that's been super helpful to me. Really, it's helped tremendously. And staying busy with my documentary filming and Necroma has helped me to not have time to really think about the stuff that happened with me. But when I go home, I have about a ten to fifteen minute walk to my apartment from the train station, and then I have an empty apartment waiting for me. An apartment that, at one point, wasn't so empty, and sometimes had somebody in it that I loved deeply. Now I have nothing here. I mean, I have people I work with, and the idols who I cherish and protect always, but at night... it's hard here. It's really difficult to think about the fact that certain things I eat, or certain things I see around me, or certain things I listen to... they are all reminders of what I lost. And what I can't seem to get back again.
I think about the question of whether what I really lost was all that much? Like, the person I lost... she was not so kind to me, and very selfish in many ways, but... we had moments where we were together and just were... happy, content, not on the earth anymore. Really in our own private Idaho, so to speak. It was escapism at its best, and with the person who I thought was best to escape with. But was she? Was she really somebody who I could have had an actual future with? I mean... when I really think about it... we were doomed from the first day we met. It was never going to last, and something was going to break it sooner or later, and there were so many times when she was seemingly waiting for that to happen... there could be no problems, I could only be perfect for her and had to be on her timetable... and I put up with all of her bullshit because I saw the good in her that occasionally glimmered to the surface... like how she would do nice things for me sometimes, and those nice things were unbelievably nice and at the right time for me to receive nice things, as in, when I was crushed by other things in my life that were good at crushing me.
Now, I feel like I've gone crazy. I'm a zombie walking home from the station. On the train, I must look shell-shocked to those around me. And you know, the old idea of finding somebody else and moving forward... yeah, that will probably work. I don't doubt that at all because honestly, that is how I heal from this, I think. I move on, but the scariest feeling in the world I have right now is thinking that the next person I meet and touch and maybe even love again won't be the girl who I lost. I hope you can understand what I mean. That's super difficult to understand. Or accept. And I'm trying to not listen to sad songs and get super Emo, or stay in this place mentally. I've been through more pain and suffering in this life than most people will ever feel in their entire lives. I'm sure there is more misery in store for me too. And all I really have is my creative push. That and my family. Dominic, Frankie, Gina, my mother... Frankie in particular... he's changed his entire life around and now has been there for me. A lot. I can't even believe it, but... he's been through some serious shit too. And you know, I'm getting older, and that scares me too.. how much life do I have left on this planet? Mortality is setting in to me... as people I've known my whole life are dying, and the people I loved (not in the way I've been describing, but like.. you know... NORMAL love, I guess? Not all consuming love) are not even my friend on facebook anymore, and all I've been left with is a life that could easily have any given City and Colour album as its perfect soundtrack.
How did I end up here? I mean... what is going to happen to me? Will I actually reach the goal line and end up happy? It's not that I'm unhappy now... It's that I have nobody to be happy with now here in Tokyo, and that's rough. Really rough. Everybody I love is gone... taken away, or far away, or I can't see them because of where I am at and who I am and what I'm doing... and I can't go back to Pennsylvania again. I did that once before, when I was stranded in St. Louis many years ago. I started over then, and I did it right. And I built a life for myself and did many things I wanted to do, but that all happened because I broke up with the first girl I ever really loved. I still have a deep place in my heart for her. She was truly special... truly somebody I couldn't even believe I got to kiss and touch and spend so many great nights with (and so many horrible nights with too). And now.. I'm in the same exact spot again... far from home, broken up with the second girl I've ever truly loved in my life, and not sure if I should go back home, or keep fighting here.
I will stay. For now. I need to finish what I'm doing here. That's not going to change. But after I do... then what? I still have those books to write, but I also kind of need to be here to write those books. And if I go back to America... I can't do anything I'm doing now as effectively. And I don't want to go back to America... I need to make it work here.
But how do I do that when everything here reminds me of what I lost? I'm back to that question again. How do I really make this work?
Have you ever loved somebody so much that running into them by chance leaves your legs shaking so bad you feel like you are going to fall over? That is what Tokyo is to me, right now... a minefield full of shell shock. So... that's what I am feeling now. I know... fucking stupid, right?
I have this stupid fantasy.... and I'm sure it's really stupid but I'm going to write it here anyway because I like to fantasize....
I live in Tokyo in a big fucking house in the middle of Ginza, or Meguro, or someplace where all the rich assholes live here. Someplace where my big house won't attract that much attention.
My bedroom has glass walls full of thousands of gallons of water, and is full of even more gigantic jellyfish that float around in the walls.
I have more money than God. I don't take the trains anymore but have some really cool, buff Japanese martial arts master drive me around and basically protect me from everybody who would even think to approach me in a way that would suggest violence or being a dick to me.
I am fluent in Japanese. Like, fucking master at it.
The girl I love is with me. We are inseparable, but because she's obsessed with me to the point where she can't live without me and would rather take a knife to her throat and slit open her windpipe (and maybe mine too) than breath another breath if it meant not being with me. Yeah... I want THAT kind of love. Yanderes are welcome in this fantasy.
I organize world tours for idols, put out photobooks of all the idols I love, and make music with idols. And I eat Ikinari Steak at least once a week.
Okay, that's about as far as I got with my fantasy but yeah... I want that kind of money. Stupid money. Not to be selfish though... the things I just mentioned are really the only personal things I want. Like, somebody to just help me out. An Assistant would be nice too. But I would be running shit and helping people with the money I have. That's all. And my jellyfish. I really want to own one someday. Or hell, a digital jellyfish I could put in a fake water tank and put on my desk... that would work too lol.
I'm done for now. My mind is just gone... I'm gone. I just... I'm trying to figure out everything, and trying to be happy, and it's not working as well as I want. So please forgive me for being so crazy with all of this. I just... I don't know how to recover myself after what happened to me in the past three months... I'm just emotionally at the lowest point maybe I've ever been in my life, with the exception of the night I left my old band, and the night I said goodbye to my first love... now here I am again, and Tokyo's pit of hell is unforgiving.
But there's still all of you to drag my nails against the deep well walls for. I will keep dragging. For you. Because right now, maybe you is all I have.
Love,
D.
Comments
As always when I read these posts, I feel privileged to be allowed into such deep, personal places. You made a gutsy and brave move, to do what you did, and have never quit despite set backs and other obstacles. In my eyes, that makes you a pretty special person I am glad to know and support. I wish I had more than words to give you at this time, and, in the not too distant future, we can meet up, have a beer, see a show or two and talk about anything and everything. Be well,
Thank you so much! I appreciate this so so so much!
Thanks so much for your kind words. I have tried to balance the personal with the professional, in the sense of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. But rebuilding is fucking hard man... I'm here, on my own, I've lost everybody I've loved here, and life sometimes is, indeed, fantastic, but lately... not so much. So I have my work and the things I'm doing and I hope that the context I'm bringing with my thoughts does shape more appropriately the frame of why I'm here in the idol universe. It's like... I totally have found the escape I need from the shit in my life that needs escaping from. The problem is... the escape got tampered with, in a big fucking way, and now... where do I escape too? I guess my writing, for now. Thank you though. Truly. Means the world.
I appreciate you saying that :). Thank you so much. And yes, please let me know if you do! I'll be happy for you!
Your words... they mean a lot. I'll take that hug anytime! And I have reached out to my brother... he was helpful in giving me some hard advice that is divorced from emotions. I get it though.. like, not to brag or sound conceited, but I'm smart enough to know that I just need to fucking move on and shut up already about this shit, but... I just haven't felt this kind of pain in a long time, and this pain is more like... enhanced? Like... deeper than the first time I felt it. Maybe because I'm feeling so far off the cliff and walking on black air and not knowing what is underneath me? Or something like that. Thank you though... you already are a listening ear to me by just responding to this post. Please keep reading, keep helping me, and it does help me tremendously every dollar that's given here... because that, too, will get me out of this situation, in a different way though. I can do more with more, if that makes sense, and staying busy is something I think will ultimately save me from this message from my heart that is telling me to stop everything and not move anymore. I dunno. Thank you though. Really, thank you.
Never forget that you will always have people to support you. Your work is fabulous, and few people can accomplish what you did. You can be proud of yourself !
I'm glad you can write with such honesty. I assume by writing these posts as you do, you are "talking to someone". I think many of your Patrons want to visit/revisit/live in Japan and may forget that it's a hectic metropolis, warm in a thousand ways we expect and sometimes not the ideal we have built in our hearts. Building a life is hard, rebuilding is harder. Please continue sharing every victory, heartbreak, and joy you can (with pictures of course). Sometimes your life in Japan is fantastic, sometimes not so much. The context of your experiences and thoughts is just as important as the people , geography and projects you share.
Don't forget we care about you. We just want you to be ok. If I win big on the lottery I'll let you know ;)
Wow thank you for sharing such a deep and emotional part of yourself with us. I wish I could fly over just to give you a big hug because you deserve one. As you stated seeking professional help isn’t needed in your case, but maybe you could try reaching out to some closer people? Friends or maybe even patrons. I’d be up to lend you a listening ear if you need it. Although I can understand you must feel very lonely at this point and the tunnel is so dark that reaching out to people can be hard as well. In any case I’ll continue to support you in any way I can and I hope things will get better from now on. Lots of love ❤️
For all of you that just posted... thank you for your kind words. Sorry, sometimes the way things are written can be taken the wrong way. I don't mean for that to happen either way here, from what I say or what you are saying. Please do not tell me to see a psychiatrist. I worked with psychiatrist for almost half a decade of my life... nope. I know where that path goes. And lets not forget... I live in Japan... mental health isn't a "thing" here. I couldn't go to somebody here even IF I had that desire, which I don't. And again, this isn't something where I can sit in a chair and spill... it's more like... just a deep feeling of sadness that isn't going away. Does that mean I'm going to kill myself or do something drastic... fuck no. I love myself too much to do something like that. Also, I already feel like a cliche being so down about somebody... I don't want to complete that cliche. I won't complete the cliche. But... this post is me expressing the feelings inside of me. That's all. Nothing more... it's not an indication of what I may or may not do next... which if I were sending you all SOS signals, then you would all have a valid point about seeking a mental health professional. I will be fine. I will survive. I'm not gonna lie... this is by far the deepest pit of hell I've ever been in, but... it doesn't mean I can't get out of it. I am still hopeful, which maybe I didn't express that enough in the post here. I'm more... how do I put it? .... More.... wondering if there is a path I'm not seeing here? That maybe there IS something I could do now that would put me back on track? That's the part that my mind keeps spinning around when I have a free moment to think for myself. Anyway, sorry to even remotely make anyone think I'm THAT far gone... I'm not guys. Trust me, I'll be okay lol. I just... I dunno. If I could be specific... you would all really understand where I'm coming from and maybe understand why I'm not going to go see a professional... I am a mental health professional, or at least I was. I know what the problem is, so I don't need it identified, and I know medicine won't fix this. So there is literally zero need for a psychiatrist in my life right now. What is needed is for my path to course correct. That, or for somebody to seriously give me a million dollars and let me just be an artist without worries loooool. But yeah, that's the fantasy, ain't it? Though right now, my biggest fantasy is to just rewind back to Spring and figure out how to prevent what happened next....
You and Chriofari are so lucky to be able to do what you do. I like to read his blog, but I seldom comment. I don't have anything to say other that -- Wow -- another photo with Wasamin at one of her shows . Nothing else for me to say. Of course I am banging my head on the table at that point. I hope that you keep writing, and keep doing the show. Man I can't keep up with the idol world. I feel guilty even having morning coffee while re-watching "Sustainability" video over and over. I don't know who most of the girls are now a days. Sorry to hear that you are hurting at the end of the day with being alone. Here is one thing. I am getting to the point where I can't be hurt anymore. It is a surprising place to be in -- you might not want it. A place where your feelings can't be hurt, because it doesn't matter anymore. Sorry not making sense-- so back to work. I am so bad at my job i need to get back to my work -- at least that is what everyone says. Next time I will just cut and paste a word doc. No enter key what the deuce.
That makes me really bummed to hear you would even use the phrase "not vital" in relation to you. You are deeply vital, and you are a friend, and you are, from what I can tell, a good guy who is super funny with this posts and somebody I know from a long time ago. Sorry to hear this and I mean that. As for me, I won't pay for sex. That's just something I can't do and won't do. And shit... I'm on here talking about needing money... I would feel horribly irresponsible if I used money for sex here and then came on here asking for money. I also just don't think that will really make me feel good because it's not just about a physical release... it's just... I really found somebody that meant something to me, and that person now... I dunno... things got so messed up and I don't even know how it really happened... or rather, I do, but I just can't believe how cold-hearted this other person has become to me. It's also been quite the surprise. I'll be fine. I'm always okay. I've been through more than most... I just need to keep being creative and this, too, shall pass. I have to believe that.
It does make me sad that you have loved and lost. This year I got a big surprise. My wife stopped being interested. Didn't see that one coming. Menopause I guess, or at least I hope that it is the case and not me. It is tough getting old, and that is the one that will probably push me into the grave. I'm not vital anymore.
So ... hitting "enter" posts the message. Not good for trying to organize my thoughts. This is not a joke -- You should find a way to go to one of those Japanese bath houses, where a nice lady will soap you all up all over, and even jerk you off. Unless that is some type of myth. I'm serious -- get yourself to a whorehouse. Post-nut clarity may re-set your mental floppy disks.
When ever I see you on 48Talk, you always seem pretty happy. Opinionated -- but happy : )
Yes. I also suggest that you talk to someone, and I am not being snarky.
I wish you will get your rebound soon, I really hope and believe you will, no matter what. It is good to see that you allow yourself to open up at a time like this. Go and do what you have to do to feel better, I suggest to go see a psychiatrist and let yourself take a break. I want to express to you how immensely important your actions have been that has set me up for a completely new goal in life, I want you to get the chance to be happy.
I can't tell if you're being a jerk by saying that or you actually are saying that to be caring. Either way... no thank you. I was a mental health counselor for six years and have a degree in Psychology. I am very self-aware and this isn't a problem that can be "Talked" out of... it's more of a set of feelings I'm stuck in and can't get out of because it requires me to be very much in a position of stasis. It's not a medical imbalance, since I'm a super healthy and overall genki person. I just have been deeply hurt recently and am not sure how to deal with it and so I go to where my strength is - writing. Sorry if you're not down with that.
You should seek professional help for your depression
