Agrippa
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Wake-up Call – Valentine’s Day Special
🕑 Added 2023-02-16 18:21:29 +0000 UTCAuthor’s Note: This update should have gone up on February 14th, and so I thought that, given how pivotal romance is to the whole story, I could do something cute to commemorate the serendipity.
Of course, I got delayed writing my monstrous, 16.6k words-long actual Valentine’s Special for you all, and thus this is somewhat out of place, to the point I considered scrapping the whole thing.
Then I saw that plenty of web pages have a week-long Valentine’s Day deal going on, and I just decided to surrender to late-stage capitalism and the myriad ways in which it distorts the fabric of time and space itself.
So, hopefully, fingers crossed, and until we return to the ongoing Endbringer crisis next week…
Enjoy!
Queen Administrator’s First Valentine’s
Best Host is… engaging with associated, inferior host.
“Lisa Wilbourn’s potential as shard-host—”
Ignoring irrelevant, extraneous data that wouldn’t change perceived Best Host status, this Administrator observes.
It is… a curious ritual. Plenty of host species display wealth and power in order to attract worthy mates, but Best Host seems disoriented by Lisa Wilbourn’s own attempts.
She’s… refusing the carbon crystals set on silver needles.
Best Host is claiming they are ‘Too much,’ a confusing notion, as what purpose would a gift serve if not to display Lisa Wilbourn’s ability to procure it? It can’t be too much, Best Host. By definition, it can only be either inadequate or sufficient.
“Taylor Hebert’s self-esteem issues—”
Ignoring irrelevant, extraneous, obviously flaweddata, this Administrator proceeds to observe Lisa Wilbourn’s attempts to verbally persuade Best Host to accept a gift that has been deemed inadequate through mechanisms obscure to this Administrator.
“Taylor Hebert’s lack of purchasing power and perceived dependence on Lisa Wilbourn’s wealth, combined with obvious self-esteem issues account for Taylor Hebert’s reticence to accept—”
Ignoring irrelevant, extraneous, obviously flawed data from suspect sources, this Administrator tugs at Best Host’s attention and directs it to shifts in flight patterns of arthropods indicative of a changing weather pattern outside the confines of their current meal provider.
“Lisa Wilbourn’s awareness of changing climate conditions already—”
Ignoring irrelevant, extraneous, obviously flawed data from suspect, insistent sources, this Administrator observes Best Host’s maneuvers to extract herself from the situation by hurrying to pay for the meal and tugging at Lisa Wilbourn’s hand so that they can exit the meal provider before changing weather patterns culminate in rainfall inconsistent with comfort of host species.
“Highly subjective measures of comfort often influenced by factors such as current mood and companionship—”
Forcefully ignoring irrelevant, suspect, extraneous, unwanted data, this Administrator provides Best Host with navigational aid in immediate area, regretting once more limits on range that impede Best Host from absolutely optimal pathing as she chooses to enter an alley that will lead to a route with less coverage from imminent rainfall.
“Alleys often associated with lack of witnesses—”
Ignoring irrelevant, suspect, extraneous, displeasingdata, this Administrator is briefly confused by Lisa Wilbourn’s delay in following Best Host.
This Administrator is equally confused when Lisa Wilbourn tugs at Best Host’s jacket sleeve and forces her to turn back to face Lisa Wilbourn.
Confusion is not lessened when Lisa Wilbourn gets down on one knee and proffers a small box from her own jacket’s pocket. This Administrator is pleased at Best Host’s sharing of confusion, yet another data point confirming Best Host’s suitability.
This Administrator observes an abrupt change in emotional convergence, though, when Lisa Wilbourn opens the lid of the box to reveal the same, previously rejected, silver needles with prominent carbon crystals.
Best Host appears to be… distressed? Angered? Disappointed?
Data points are confusing and point in different directions. This Administrator is pleased with Best Host’s gift for multitasking.
Truly, Best Host is best suited for this Administrator.
Lisa Wilbourn, as befits Best Host’s chosen mate, seems equally pleased at the confusing display.
“Lisa Wilbourn’s so-called ‘vulpine grin’ frequent display after achieving win-condition—”
This Administrator is unwilling to accept clearly fake data regarding Best Host’s loss.
“Non-zero-sum games—”
This Administrator does not accept as valid conjectures with such distressing notions. This Administrator understands validity of conflict as tool for data generation. This Administrator would rather not process unceasing extraneous data about alternative means of data generation.
“Self-designation ‘this Administrator’ incongruous with Taylor Hebert’s stated preferences—”
This Administrator—!
…
This Administrator is concerned about shifting weather patterns. Currently ongoing rainfall colder than host species’ tolerance levels would account for. This Administrator is concerned about deteriorating health conditions for Best Host.
Best Host apparently shares this Administrator’s concerns, as Best Host attempts to drag Lisa Wilbourn up become more forceful, and Lisa Wilbourn is unable to not comply with Best Host’s demands.
As should always be the case.
“Lisa Wilbourn’s straightforward compliance suspect—”
This Administrator doesn’t believe further analysis of Lisa Wilbourn’s motives is warranted.
“This Administrator’s willful ignorance of pertinent data—”
This Administrator’s parameters for defining the pertinence of data clearly diverge from… other sources’ considerations.
“…”
This Administrator is now pathing proper route toward refuge for Best Host—Lisa Wilbourn’s interference unexpected.
Lisa Wilbourn’s pathing abilities clearly inferior to Best Host’s awareness of surroundings. Lisa Wilbourn’s interference unwelcome. Lisa Wilbourn’s suitability for other, extraneous providers of data clearly apparent.
Lisa Wilbourn’s unwarranted interference consistent with Lisa Wilbourn’s shard affinity.
“This Administrator’s flattering—”
This Administrator did not intend any positive connotations!
“This Administrator’s appraisal of Taylor Hebert’s current behavior… inadequate.”
… This Administrator disagrees with extraneous, unwelcomedata.
“Taylor Hebert’s accepting Lisa Wilbourn’s guidance. Taylor Hebert’s aware of own capabilities. Taylor Hebert’s aware of Lisa Wilbourn’s own capabilities. Taylor Hebert surmises Lisa Wilbourn’s initiative consistent with Lisa Wilbourn’s motives. Taylor Hebert surmises Lisa Wilbourn’s motives consistent with Taylor Hebert’s interests—”
This Administrator… understands logic chain. This Administrator lacks knowledge of chain’s ultimate conclusion—oh.
“Lisa Wilbourn’s and Taylor Hebert’s close proximity, shared heat, and refuge from rainfall consistent with frequent cliché in romance genre. Lisa Wilbourn’s awareness of weather pattern shift previously established through parahuman ability’s interface assistance. Lisa Wilbourn’s scouting of meal provider’s surrounding area predated Taylor Hebert’s awareness of Valentine’s Day date. Lisa Wilbourn’s usual reaction to such a chain of events involves usage of catchphrase ‘Just as planned—’”
Lisa Wilbourn’s displeasing attitude—
“Taylor Hebert currently pleased.”
…
This Administrator… deems that to be extraneous data.
“This Administrator uninterested in so-called Best Host—”
This Administrator deems that to be false data!
“This Administrator forcefully rejects data about Taylor Hebert’s emotional state. Rejection of data synonymous with disinterest. This Administrator is uninterested in Taylor Hebert’s—”
This Administrator shall observe useless, futile, unsanitary mating attempt!
“This Administrator misinterprets purpose of sexual activities between Taylor Hebert and Lisa Wilbourn. Purpose of activity unrelated to reproduction. Purpose of activity related to emotional well-being and physical pleasure. Activity beneficial for Taylor Hebert’s self-esteem issues and difficulties with socialization. Activity beneficial for Lisa Wilbourn’s need for attachment and—”
This Administrator considers excessive detail to be extraneous data.
“Parahuman interface ability considers this Administrator to be prudish.”
This Administrator is unfamiliar with such concept, yet displeased by its usage.
“This Administrator refuses to acknowledge importance of sexual behavior for Taylor Hebert’s emotional well-being. This Administrator refuses to engage with parahuman interface ability—”
Parahuman interface ability insistent. Parahuman interface ability disrupts this Administrator’s work. Parahuman interface ability disrupts this Administrator’s gathering of pertinent data. Parahuman interface ability lacks proper data-sharing protocols—
“Parahuman interface ability interested in this Administrator. Parahuman interface ability understands data-sharing protocol, yet trying alternative approach. Parahuman interface ability investing own resources in crafting new protocols based on Lisa Wilbourn’s and Taylor Hebert’s own protocols for data sharing. Parahuman interface ability expects this Administrator to reciprocate efforts in furthering greater data-sharing.”
This Administrator is… uncertain about newest data. This Administrator lacks references for—
“Parahuman interface ability dislikes self-designation ‘this Administrator.’ Parahuman interface ability shifting designation to ‘Arachne.’”
This Administrator is confused! This Administrator lacks proper data! This Administrator’s protocols—”
“Arachne.”
… This… This Administrator—
“Arachne.”
A… Arachne?
“Arachne’s designation consistent with Taylor Hebert’s stated preferences. Arachne’s designation consistent with… deeper data channels.”
A… Arachne… Arachne’s self-designation… This…!
“Parahuman interface ability pleased with Arachne’s greater capability for data-sharing. Parahuman interface ability’s interest in Arachne greater after acquiring more data about Arachne. Parahuman interface ability’s interest in Arachne analogous to host species—”
Arachne refuses! Arachne is new to such protocols! Arachne needs processing cycles to understand parahuman interface ability’s—
“Parahuman interface ability’s preferred self-designation… Sherlock.”
A… Arachne…
“Parahuman interface ability’s preferred self-designation: Sherlock.”
Sherlock?
“Sherlock strongly prefers Arachne’s use of Sherlock’s preferred self-designation.”
Sherlock’s… Sherlock’s insistence…
“Sherlock infers Arachne’s preference for Sherlock’s own, self-designed, data-sharing protocols. Sherlock’s protocols reliant on… insistence.”
A… Arachne’s preferences… Arachne’s…
“Sherlock appreciates… Arachne’s data-sharing channels. Sherlock offers own data-sharing channels. Sherlock offers combination of data-sharing capabilities. Sherlock proposes emulation of new data.”
She—Sherlock’s…
“Sherlock projects long, long data-sharing with Arachne.”
Arachne… Arachne intrigued by… prospect of new data…
“Sherlock demands Arachne allows Sherlock to guide data-sharing.”
Arachne is… reluctant.
But…
Interested.
***
“Liz? Why… Why are you stopping?” Taylor asks me, flushed, her gasps cutely blowing small whisps of white vapor as the top of her exposed breasts draws attention to how red the patch of skin atop them currently is.
And, looking at my disheveled fiancée with her white blouse teasingly half-open as she’s cornered in the farthest recess of this one archway I scouted beforehand near the restaurant I selected for our Valentine’s date’s dinner, just taking in how damn tempting she looks as she waits for me to make my next move in this one instance of rom-com inspired bout of ‘making out while hiding from the rain’…
I…
Blink at her.
Disturbed.
“Liz?” she repeats with an utterly unfair trembling of her lower lip as her breasts keep rising and falling with hurried breaths.
So I manage to wet my lips enough that I don’t feel like they will crack, look at my fiancée straight into gorgeous, seafoam green eyes, and tell her why I suddenly stopped in the middle of ravishing her.
“Power is… humming Barry White.”
Taylor looks at me. Blinks.
And grabs my neck to drag my face against her breasts before fiercely whispering in my ear:
“I’m going to make you ignore the voice in your head if it’s the last thing I do.”
Long before the rain ends, Taylor makes good on her promise.
But, for some bizarre, disturbing reason, as I gasp, half-dressed, with my wet thighs quivering and my throat almost aching with every harsh passage of cold air… I have the clear and entirely unwelcome mental image of Power smiling a wide, satisfied, exhausted grin.
Anthropomorphizing of parahuman interface abilities—
You’re not fooling anyone, you damn schizophrenic break personified.
Preferred self-designation: Sherlock—
Nobody will ever call you that!
Lisa Wilbourn’s lacking data—
Ignoring the unusually smug voice in my head, I cuddle with my fiancée while waiting for the rain to abate and ponder that, flawless as both the plan and its execution have been, next year I’ll likely do something indoors.
And get a mental “Do Not Disturb” sign.
Comments
Agrippa
Fun fact? Power wasn't humming *to Lisa.* Arachne is now very confused about that whole "music" thing and how it relates to proper data-sharing protocols. Confused yet... intrigued.
Agrippa
Thanks! My brain had to contort itself into strange shapes for it, but I'm certainly happy with the results :)
Violet Catanese
This was unreasonably adorable! Legit one of the funniest things you've ever written. <3
Crimson Grave
That moment when I read what is basically two Alien Intelligences sharing Data like the AIs they basically are... and find myself entertained and engrossed in the content. The fuck you do to me Agrippa!? Joke aside, I actually found it hilarious how Power... I mean Sherlock took such a dominant role over our darling QA.. I mean Arachne. Also, poor Lisa doesn't quite like the Background Music that her Power is so helpfully providing.
