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Tubi Tales: Highs and Lows Edition
🕑 Added 2024-03-01 05:59:22 +0000 UTC
Here are some new short reviews of cool stuff i saw on Tubi, the free and therefore best streaming service. I ain't sponsored by em but i should be. At the very least everyone who works at that company should patron me.
This collection of films is all about the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. The highs of blasting off out a halfpipe with a sick 720 Madonna and floating away toward the distant moon of Europa, before confronting horrors of the depths so scary you turn right around and haul ass back to Earth.
Then you start having mental health struggles cause life on Earth is a hell full of other people. Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, a hole opens up below and you sink even further into darkness and despair. You withdraw into yourself and project all your hopes for connection onto a lifeless fuck doll, or you blow your brains out on live TV, or you get your face shredded to pieces by The Punisher. We all have our battles. Ya gotta hang in there bruh!
Some of these films were bring some joy and sunlight back into your heart, and lift your spirits to soar on the wings of a birdman. Some of them will make you so sad and frightened you'll hate me for recommending them, but you may also find yourself strangely comforted. Scary and sad movies make it less scary and sad to be scary and sad. Also, The Punisher kicks ass.
Pretending I'm A Superman: The Tony Hawk's Pro Skater Story
This is a documentary on how one of the greatest games ever made came to be. It's impossible to overstate how integral The Tony Hawk series is the my generation's shared language. I have never in my life met a guy my age who couldn't have a conversation about these games. Even if this flick were a simple nostalgia tour with a couple interviews sprinkled in, it would probably still be worth a watch. But it's a legit documentary and goes massively in depth.
Everyone involved has a lot to say, even some of the bands on the soundtrack which are especially cool to hear from. One of the coolest things i didn't know was just how involved Tony Hawk actually was in the development. He's shown to have been there every step of the way consulting on stuff, going over tricks, suggesting bands and skaters to reach out to. He didn't just show up to slap his name on the finished product, he helped make that shit. Hell yeah.
Lars and The Real Girl
I would place this one chronologically just after the events of Drive. Traumatized by his inability to sustain a normal relationship without it turning into a bloody killing spree, Ryan Gosling becomes more boyish and alienated than ever, projecting a tulpa of sorts onto a sex doll, rather than risking the pain of genuine human connection. This backfires hilariously because everyone loves The Gos so much they're more than happy to indulge the delusion out of empathy for this sweet boy's emotional struggle.
Despite sounding like a goof-ass comedy about a silly pervert, this one is genuinely a pretty earnest and compassionate film. It's funny, but takes its premise seriously, and treats our precious homie with dignity. You probably skipped it cause it sounded stupid, but this is a vital piece of Gosling lore that will make you feel good inside.
Christine (the woman not the car)
If feeling good at the end of a movie ain't your thing, you might prefer this depressing-ass film. The mundane tragedy of a woman slowly unraveling while nobody gives a damn or even notices. It also happens to be about a real person, and does not have a happy ending. Christine's story is a downer, but to the woman's credit, she made sure to finish it up in a way that was totally metal and hardcore.
Because it's a real story, there's a mundanity to events that feels more viscerally upsetting than in similar stories cooked up as fiction. In a movie like this you expect there to be huge, devastating events leading to the main character's lowest mental state. But more realistically, Christine's struggle is a long monotonous grind of workplace sexism, family dysfunction, failure to launch, romantic disappointment, insecurity, lack of support and general loneliness. She's grinded into dust by this depression because the cause is too many different things to be able to explain to anybody, let alone find someone who even cares enough to listen.
Crap, I'm getting depressed just writing about it. Good movie, but make sure you have an emotional support pet and some ice cream cause goddamn.
The Death of Stalin
This here be a very funny satire about some very dark historical shit my stupid American ass didn't know about. When Stalin dies, a political power struggle ensues among his subordinates. The movie plays out as a game of underhanded manipulations in a way that's incredibly funny, but if you were any where near this backstabbing life or death shit in real life you'd be shitting your pants daily. Steve Buscemi is in this. I loved it.
Europa Report
This is a cool space movie that somehow evaded my cool space movie radar when it came out, and i have no idea why. This shit kicked ass. It's the rare found footage movie that actually makes sense to be found footage and therefore is not bothersome. We're not looking through some jerk's eye view as he runs around sticking a camera in people's face.
This is an isolated ass deep space mission with only on ship camera footage to tell the story. It feels claustrophobic but also real and authentic. Which makes it way more scary when they get to Europa and find something very alive, very big, and very Hell No in there.
This movie rules, and it'll make you pee.
Punisher: War Zone
This poor fucker came out the same year as The Dark Knight and Iron Man so nobody ever saw it. Soy-infused reddit chuds of today are more than happy to let this film be forgotten to time because it's pre-MCU, and also it's now considered cool to hate characters like the Punisher because "he's mean and kills people and killing is wrong and boo fucking hoo i'm a fat baby" or something to that effect.
I only didn't seek it out cause i never really heard anyone say anything good about it. It's rotten tomatoes scores are way low, but as usual the internet is fucking wrong. This movie is incredible. It kicks a lot of ass.
It's a different take on the character than Jon Bernthal raging like a gamer at everyone, or Dolph Lundgren just motorcycling around looking cool as fuck. This Frank is neither cool nor a cauldron of hot fury, but a cold, quiet killer. Ray Stevenson really sells the mostly dead inside aspect of the character.
The action is totally insane. Just non-stop shooting, stabbing, exploding, very much a precursor to the 2011 Dredd film. Same vibe. I also love the villains in this movie. Jigsaw getting his face tore up is brutal and his character after that point becomes really interesting. He plays tough about his deformity in front of his crew, embracing it as a scary gimmick. But confides in his brother that he's really tore up about it and breaks down crying.
His bro is a crazy cannibal man, and despite both being scumbags they have this loving, supportive relationship that's weirdly heartwarming to watch. They did not need to humanize the villain of a punisher movie even a little, but the fact that they did makes him so much more interesting and fun to watch. Don't think that saves him though, this is a Punisher movie.
And that's all the Tubi Tales for now. Tune in next time for more of my cool opinions. If you ever don't know what to watch consult these recommendations, but do so responsibly. The films I've highlighted here, if watched in succession, are an emotional rollercoaster that only the most centered and awakened souls can withstand.
Don't over do it, or you might overload on all this free cinematic catharsis and become too enlightened, which will just make the rest of the world treat you like an insane person. Trust me.
Comments
Dungeon Floozy
and here I was thinking Christine was about a haunted Plymouth Fury
