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Groovy Tunes: JPEGMAFIA - All My Heroes Are Cornballs
🕑 Added 2023-01-25 21:16:43 +0000 UTCOne of the patrons on here by the name of Zane did a big phat pledge so i owe him a bunch of shit. I can owe you a bunch of shit too, all you gotta do is pay me pay me pay me.
This was his Groovy Tunes request, a wild-ass experimental rappity record by this weirdo called JPEGMAFIA. As many of you well know, i'm a bit of a rap-meister myself, and have been known to sling rhymes. Some would even say I'm the dopest guy of all time, and those people would be correct.
But Peggy has something that even I, the greatest rapper who ever lived do not, and that is an actual rap career with actual albums and actual success with actual respect from his peers. He's also a few months younger than me, so of course i gotta be a hater on principle. But that in no way impacts my opinion of the actual music, or my review of it. It just keeps me up at night and weighs on me terribly at all times.
That's why the Groovy Tunes tier comes with not only a Groovy Tunes review request, but also an actual Groovy Tune. For every person who pledges that tier or higher i vow to release an actual song. Right now that means i got two that i'm working on currently, alongside a bunch of request videos. All of which are queued up on a very neatly organized whiteboard in my office, which is the only room of my house without a pile of dirty clothes on the floor, so you know i take my work seriously. Dead fucking serious. Did i mention i have a whiteboard? I'm very proud of the whiteboard.
The point is... pledge, damn you! All of you! Force me to make music and content for you! When you're good at something you never do it for free, so think about what a sweet deal that is, and what a service to the world that your pledge is providing.
I get to make cool stuff, and you get to keep me alive to make more cool stuff. Everybody wins. Especially you, because if i starve to death, end up on the streets, or give it all up and get a normie job, we both know there's not a single freakin fuck on this whole stinkin rotten planet who could ever fill the void of my absence.
I'm irreplaceable, one of a kind, just like Peggy here. What are you waiting for? Motivate some music out of me and request a bunch of stuff for me to review while your at it!
But enough about the song, that's coming later. It's Review Time, or first impressions time, or reaction time, or whatever you want to call it when a dude evaluates another dude's art. That's one of my two jobs, the other one is making my own art, which i'll be getting back to in a minute. That's the source of my power, ya know? Only an artist can be a good critic, and only a good critic can be a great artist.
So that brings us back to Mr. JPEGMAFIA, and his kooky little album here. I, the maestro of mirth and the expert on freshness, have entered his restaurant of rhyme to sample the rap-atouie and tell you all whether it's worth a shit. Utilizing my immense powers as both the Super-God of Rap, and a professional opinion-haver, i hereby deem this fool... NOT WACK.
This is the highest compliment any rapper will ever receive from me, consumed by bitterness as i am. Congratulations to the rapper of the day for being verily ill, and to the request-giver Zane for recommending a winner. Okay enough of this post. That's the words and i'm done writing them.... now.
