endlessjess
patreon
Wowee Zowie, it's Half-Life
🕑 Added 2019-10-01 02:01:46 +0000 UTCI've got half a mind to live half my life in a half-alive state of halfhearted... no, on second thought i'm abandoning this bit, it's too stupid.
Half-Life, one of those real tentpole games everyone yammers on about decades later. This actually came out on PS2 back in the day but i never played, instead i played the (in my mind) vastly superior Red Faction, where you can sort of blow up walls! But not really... but kinda!
I played Half-Life 2 and it's episodes back when The Orange Box came out on consoles, and I wasn't impressed. But cool people keep telling me the original is where it's at, so here I am, at the place where the it supposedly is at. I never miss an opportunity to play a video game or talk to myself, at least one of which is a thing i'm sort of good at, along with everything else. I can't tell if that last line is self-deprecating or self-aggrandizing. I guess you could say it's half and half. Oh god, i'm sorry. What's wrong with my life?
Now right off the bat i couldn't help but notice the somewhat concerning fact that this game takes about 11 hours to actually get started. For some reason Valve decided the game should start on the particularly-out-of-shape-snail-speed monorail from Hell's waiting room, and somehow they not only survived this unforgivable blunder but thrived in spite of it. Hence was born the insidious poison of gaming known as the "in game slow moving talky no fun allowed unskippable not technically a cutscene but totally a cutscene intro segment thing". Gee. My favorite. *eye rolling emoji, followed by poop emoji and maybe a skull*
This game is pretty fun though. Once you make it past the interminable intro. I immediately like it more than the sequel, the gameplay is faster and feels more oldschool, sort of like Doom or Quake or something, and the butt ugly late 90s graphics remind me of Deus Ex, the only actually good pc game, which i know from having played it on Playstation 2, like God intended.
But for real though, the only good thing about Half-Life 2... is Alyx Vance's fine nude-mod brown sugar body, you know what i'm saying? Homina homina, aooga! Golly-gee goddamn willickers, Buttman! I just wanna suck on them jubilant titty-nipples like a baby calf and party all up in that tight little BOX oh yeah forget about the Orange Box I'm all about that BROWN BOX baby HA HA! HELL YEAH. NAKED SEXY WOMEN. HAVING SEX WITH NAKED... TIGHT... LITTLE SEXY ASS BROWN LADIES IN HALF-LIFE 2!
I'M GORDAN FREEMAN AND THIS IS HOW I TALK. THIS IS MY ACTUAL, REAL DIALOGUE AND YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE. THATS WHY I DON'T TALK IN THE GAME! THEY HAD TO CENSOR IT SO THE SOCCOR MOMS WOULDN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT ME FUCKIN... STICKIN MY WHITE WIENER IN THAT MULATTO QUEEN, AND LICKIN THE PUSS WITH MY FLAVOR-RETAINING GOATEE! I'M GORDAN FREEMAN THE ONE FREE MAN AND THAT'S WHAT I DO, YOU GODDAMN SONS A BITCHES! HOO-AH!
