endlessjess
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Happy Holidayz, Here's me beating Lion King
🕑 Added 2019-12-29 06:32:02 +0000 UTCAnother year on Earth, another year for the soft peasants of this world to cry out for a savior. "Who can beat The Lion King?" they beg, "its the hardest game EVER!" they lament from their padded nurseries of complacency and dilapidated bunkers of fear. Oh, how they sicken me.
Nevertheless, it falls to me to show an ungrateful world how it's done. Rejoice, feeble mortals! The Lion King-King has descended from his golden throne atop Pride Rock, to walk among the masses and bring hope to the common folk one more time as the decade dies, so that mankind can enter the 2020s rejuvenated by the knowledge that there are still heroes in this world.
The Oldschool Fool is here with his world famous party trick, totally conquering and annihilating The Lion King without breaking a sweat, crackin jokes and being cool the whole time like it's nothing, just like i've been doing every year since i unwrapped my Sega Genesis in 1994. I was a literal child, and the rest of you have no excuse.
Every time i see a reddit thread full of weaklings and cowards circle-jerking about how "no one could get past the second level" i feel an overwhelming desire to zap into the internet like Freakazoid and bust out of their screens to suplex them through a coffee table just like Big Bad Grown Up Simba suplexing Scar off Pride Rock. There's 2 things in this world i'm better at than anyone, beating the Lion King, and everything else.
A couple nights ago I was visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. They showed me a highlight reel of me killing Scar every year of my life until finally giving up my physical form and becoming one with the force 1,000 years from now, and they all concluded that i'm a really cool guy who's going to Heaven no matter what, based purely on my life of philanthropy bringing rain back to the Pride Lands.
Also i played Aladdin, which i did not beat, because the Cave of Wonders level is bullshit.
Aladdin: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-yJasy6Lic&feature=youtu.be
The Lion King: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1T_fNEegxXg&feature=youtu.be
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. If you're one of those quirky narcissists celebrating made up holidays like Festivus or Kwanzaa, Happy those too.
I was going to be really kind and generous and surprise everyone by uploading a bunch of videos on Christmas Day. But then i remembered for me that would just mean working on Christmas, and since i know how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possesses the knowledge, I know that Christmas is a time for trading gifts and passive aggressive jabs with those dearest to me, not for composing Patreon posts to accompany some farcical video-mummery or another.
That, my friends, is a job for the week after Christmas, a slothful time when no one knows what the Hell is going on or what they ought to be doing, other than repeatedly fluffing one's genitals in preparation for the big midnight cum of knowing you've outlived another devil-spawned year of evil.
I for one can't wait to indulge in A Little Bit Of The Bubbly, watching from a Jacuzzi with turgid arousal as 365 Gods-Damned days of agony finally shuffle out of sight to become the past and be devoured by The Langoliers, a satisfaction that goes to the tenth power on these extra-special denouements where the decade turns.
As i leave my torturous 20s in the terrible 10s where they belong, I look forward to spending my 30s conquering the 20s the same way i've been conquering The Lion King ever since i invented video games on my way out the womb. I built a Daytona USA cabinet in there like Tony Stark in a cave with a box of scraps. I drove it out and they still had to do a C-section to get my X-Box and Duke controllers. The whole thing was a bloody, gory mess, which is where they got the idea for Splatterhouse 2. I'll never forget my mother's first words to me, "Try to take it easy on the car".
But enough about how obviously rad i always am, I suppose you all missed me this month. It's true i've been keeping myself more and more busy these days with a new passion i've discovered called "Ghosting everyone completely and doing literally anything except being on the internet", but fear not, for i haven't abandoned you entirely.... yet.
Miraculously, I have in fact devoted a more than adequate amount of time this month to actually doing my job. In addition to the legendary Feat of Strength posted here, i also have at least a few actual videos, all very close to completion, because working on things one at a time is for people with an attention span. Dweebs, I call em.
This is how I roll, baby. I live my life on the edge of a lightning bolt and I work my magic down to the wire. I don't release anything until i absolutely have to, which has once again become now. So assuming i can finish all these filthy pieces of wretched, vile content before my train leaves in 6 hours, you'll see them before the New Year.
Then having once more successfully completed my obligations to giving a shit, i can go back to just being cool until the next car payment and/or unnecessarily lavish hotel forces me out of retirement. Just as it has every month since since i started on this content carousel. That, my friends, is called the Circle of Life, or at least some dystopian capitalist perversion of it.
This is the balance I've been seeking. In my world weary Woken Wisdom i have realized the ultimate truth of this life. It's all about two things. "Just Bein' cool", and "Just doin' mah job". That's my new mantra, motto, religion, and law, which i'm getting tattooed on my buttcheeks so the whole world can know exactly why it can kiss my ass.
If you're wondering where the hell i'm going on a train, it's none of your business but here's a cool train song that you can listen to while you picture me clickety clackin down the tracks. I'm Lazlow and this is V-Rock.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nBY40Bdan0
Now if you'll excuse me i have to stop writing this stupid post so i can start writing the next one. After that i'm getting the Hell off your screens to sojourn someplace warm, where i plan to do big drugs and trash a fancy hotel room with a beautiful woman because that's how life is when you're cool enough to beat The Lion King, and clever enough to make it your job.
Have a kickass New Year, friends. It's the coolest day of the year because it comes bearing hope for a cool year to come. Welcome yourself to a fresh and promising new decade, while introducing it to a fresh and promising new yourself. These are my words of wisdom. I hereby nominate myself as the official New Years Eve Holiday Mascot Character.
This went way off the rails for a Lion King post. Choo Choo.
Comments
kacquaisie
Endless Jess is one cool ass nigga
BabyBabaBofski
Happy holidays Jess! I hope you get to enjoy new year this year :)
