endlessjess
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Where I am and What I'm Doing (Squatting, and Squatting).
🕑 Added 2019-05-29 12:23:13 +0000 UTCOh boy oh crap oh damn. Time for another exciting Written Post/ update/chronicle of my life and times/diary of a pharaoh-wizard.
Boy oh Boy, oh Golly oh Gee, What's the haps with Endlet Je. I bet you're all dying to know what's going on in my world of chaos and ironic catastrophe this week. What wacky new cursed fate has befallen me? What Tales To Astonish does Endo Jendo's Theatre of the Absurd have in store for us now?
Well, i'm currently squatting in my old house, all by my lonesome, while spending my days packing and moving approximately 11,000 metric fuck tons of video games, movies, comics, and porno mags in the pitch-black windowless darkness of my former basement, as you do. And yes i do mean pitch-black darkness, due to their no longer being electricity, on account of the fact no one is supposed to be living here. Shhh... it's a secret to everybody.
Funny story, when i first got the news about my entire family being unceremoniously evicted for no reason, i was a just a little bit busy being 1200 miles away on the other side of the country. So i had to drive all the way back, and while i was able to help get all my mom's stuff into a new house in accordance with the 30 day notice, by the time i got to work packing my own stuff the house was already technically being rented out to no one, and i guess that means everything gets shut off. Also, for some reason random pipes were just taken out entirely, which i discovered when trying to take a shower and accidentally causing another one of my famous wacky flood disasters. As if this place didn't already have enough uniquely terrible ways of constantly flooding. It's like a buffet of water, for fish with shit taste. A real overboard smorgasbord. Orgasbord. Orgasbord.
I've spent the last week boxing up my 3 decades worth of hoarded treasure by day, until the setting sun takes my sight and the howls of distant Wolfmen rummaging through the garbage pile outside let me know i can make no more progress, and that the night is upon me.
I spend these sleepless nights huddled in the corner of my haunted underground pharaoh tomb, waiting for the safety of returning dawn on my blanket-less, pillow-less floor mattress, listening to scary "empty house" noises, such as ghost-whispers, spider-purrs, clang-bangers, rusty-scrapes, creaky-shrieks, chimney-teeth, and various other auditory hauntings, with only the holy beam of my phone's flashlight app to ward off the glowing eyes of basement-banshees and furnace room monsters which do, in fact, exist. Yes. Monsters are real. If you don't believe me, i envy the ignorance of your sheltered world, and the privileged lives that keep the horrors of darkness far from you.
For example I saw a fucking scary ass glowy-eyed raccoon that i KNOW was a shapeshifter. I caught his bumbling ass in the garbage pile and then he scurried up the neighbor's roof and just sat there, watching me. Raccoon, my ass. I know a shape-shifting demon when i fucking see one, and if you want my soul OR my treasure you're going to have to come in here, put up your cute little hands and battle me for it one on one. Come on, Rocket. I left the door open for you. Fight me. You'll lose. I've been around a long time and i haven't yet encountered a 20 pound forest animal whose ass i can't kick.
Hell you can have the place once i'm gone. Let that smooth-brained boomer asshole landlord have to deal with your soul-sucking, treasure-plundering, shape-shifting ass. Just like he's also going to have to deal with my 300 pound wooden desk, and my 2 old-timey 1990s big screen tvs, and my broken-ass wooden termite-canoe bed frame with my heavy ass pee-pee and poopy-sweat stained mattress, and my dilapidated couch. Have fun moving all that shit out of the basement, up the stairs, around the corner, past the garbage pile, and out of the house, you dumb 60 year old cocksucker. It ain't my problem anymore cause i no longer live here. Suck it, Fuckwit.
Look people, i believe that the only small justice in this world is that which you make. Which is why if you're going to randomly decide to put my family on the street, i get to break your back and make you humble by leaving you a whole bunch of unwieldy furniture to deal with. Because even if i'm sleeping under a bridge, i'll sleep like a baby warm in the knowledge that someone i hate is struggling and gasping his last boomer breath, trying to push my impossible sofa up the even more impossible steps. I have no idea how i got some of this stuff down there, but i know he's going to die trying to get it out, and that fills me with life eternal.
Speaking of final, petty revenge. Let's talk about my idiot, asshole, dipshit, dumbass, cocksucking neighbors. Like neighbor on the left, who decided to come outside and rant at me like a maniac one time for daring to cut across his grass on foot. Me so sorry. If you hated that, you're really going to hate the ripped up tire tracks from me parking there all day and then peeling the fuck out on my way to Wouldn't-You-Like-To-Know, USA.
Oh but i see you over there feeling left out, neighbors on the right. Oh how i've enjoyed listening to your moronic screaming matches out in the driveway over the years. And not being able to park in front of my own house because of your 3 trucks in the way. And of course being attacked by your idiot dogs every time i go outside that you won't fucking keep on a goddamn leash or something.
What's that? You haven't seen your precious doggies? Turned up missing, have they? Such a shame. Oh, but don't worry. I think i saw them just before i left. They were in that one area downtown. You know the place I'm talking about. I think they built a mall there. I believe it's actually inside the mall. Located in the general vicinity of... I wanna say... the food court. Yeah, the food court... specifically... the Panda Fucking Express.
I killed your dogs you piece of shit. And i fed them to people, including me. No one else knew what they were eating but i did and so did my boss, Mr. Chin, and we both agreed it was hilarious. I'm a dog-murderer, and in fact i'll kill you too. With a...gun. Or a car.
Okay maybe that's not the cleverest or most elaborate revenge but hey, i'm about substance not style. That's why i will also be peeling out on your face right after i do it to the other guy's lawn, and then i'll be pushing your girlfriend headfirst into a giant pencil sharpener. Then i will use her sharpened skull to impale her children on your front lawn, next to a burning sign that says "The Guy Who used to live here isn't even cool. He sucks and is dead and i ate his dogs."
Also i pissed on your fence. Die.
Anyways, that's been my week squatting in the basement, for the final time. While i was there i managed to film a few final goodbyes and good riddances to the old hell-hole that you might see... someday. I also got the chance to use my computer a bit before having to pack it up, so i spent that time recording a ton of tier list videos for everyone.... completely forgetting that once i packed the computer, i obviously wouldn't be able to post them. Oops.
Who knows when i'll finally be set up comfortably for real, with my trusty computer back at my side and all the strife fuckin out of my life. Hopefully soon. Right now it's all in a big plastic tub in a spare room at my moms new house that is now so full of my treasure it looks like the room from my favorite movie scene of all time. When Kermit and Piggie sing "Love Led Us Here" to each other while tied up facing certain death and meanwhile the romantic longing of the song is also juxtaposed with the jubilation and mirth of Long John Silver and the Pirates finally finding Captain Flint's Treasure. Classic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbObOAeSMls
Now i know what you're thinking. Assuming i'm done squatting and finally have my stuff all out of the house, why not just set the computer up at my mom's new house and get some work done while i can? Oh, naive child. That implies that anything could ever be simple, and that the Endless One will ever be allowed to shrug the world from his shoulders and rest for even one brief solitary moment in his entire cursed existence. Oh no, that's not in the cards for old Endless Jess The Ever-Stressed, as once more, duty calls. i've already left, and am currently far far away once again, back to my necessary ways of living in hotels in the desert.
Literally the moment i finished putting the last of my stuff in the new house, i had to climb right back in my car and drive another 18 hours without stopping or eating because something characteristically disastrous happened and i was needed elsewhere. Immediately.
Now I'm out here in the scorching pit of Satan's fiery asshole doing honest work for zero pay. Which means i once more get to explain to my loyal audience of bronies, juggalos, gamers, and r/squaredcircle regulars that i'm still a broke, vagrant love-warrior on a patriot-quest without any significantly hot new youtube content dropping. Whoops! Sorry, folks. Just been a little busy living life in the fast lane here, and i mean that literally.
I did manage to get across the entire country in one day, by going 120 mph the whole way hopped up on red bulls and triple shot espressos while explosively shitting my pants to the inspirational soundtrack of Weird Al's entire discography. Good times. That was 2 or 3 days ago and i can still feel my muscles melting into gelatin and seeping out of my nose, while my butt continues to cough up bone-dust that was once my precious spine. My body is ruined and so is my mind, my mortal soul ain't far behind.
All of this has led me here, to this moment, sitting up in my hot sweaty birthday suit writing a long post about fighting raccoons and murdering dogs 2 hours before checkout with no idea where to stay next. I hope that somehow qualifies as content. In which case, you're welcome. I knew i could do it.
Comments
HandsomeArtist
Love your writing Jess!
Dojee
That's the best the internet brought to me this week. Keep it up, Jess.
Boldizar
This puts my existential activities of the past week to shame. Seriously, glad you got your stuff. Good thing the boomer was too much of a boomer to seize and sell it.
