endlessjess
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Hunk Rage - Can I beat it?
🕑 Added 2019-03-28 12:15:04 +0000 UTCHere are the highlights of my long and tenacious attempt to conquer the Hunk campaign in REmake 2. For those not aware Hunk mode is an extra-hard bonus-rush from the poopy depths of the swampy sewers up through the police station to get the heck outta dodge.
When i was a kid, playing OG Hunk on OG RE 98 i had all the time in the world to master it, along with any uppity-ass video game that came along and dared to think it could challenge me. But with age goes patience, right out the window along with your hairline, high school friendships, and dreams of success. So the new Hunk mode is even harder than the old Hunk mode because now I'm not only battling the game itself but also my own rapidly depleting reserves of give-a-fuck.
As an embittered geriatric barreling faster every day down the Toon-Town Tunnel to Death's Door, i ain't got time to put hours upon hours into the pursuit of meaningless video game accomplishments such as conquering a purposely bullshit bonus mode. At my age, you get exactly one night of attempts. That's all your exhausted soul can take and all your weathered body can handle hunching over the tv screen, at my age couches and coffee tables become a torture device, the only place this beaten down old body is comfortable is a deep motel water-bed where i can sink into the depths and be lost to Davy Jone's Locker.
I managed to give a fuck about trying to beat this stupid mode for about 2.5 hours before my spine ground itself into hourglass sand and began pouring like the Days of Our Lives down my Broken Bowels, before at last getting puffed out my puckered pooper in the sad cough of a frail and ancient wizard's final fart.
I'm old. That's the joke. But it's actually not a joke. My time in this world has been far too long and now every waking breath is agony. Here's Hunk. Can I Beat It? Do I care? Will I finally die? Let's find out.
Comments
Ian Salyers
The real reason for my patronage is for these epic monologues you come up with rather than the videos.
