endlessjess
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Endlett Je at Radcon 3!
🕑 Added 2018-03-29 22:53:58 +0000 UTC Wowie! I actually showed up to this! Who saw that coming? Certainly not me. But how did this happen? What does it mean? Well gather round, my Endless Friends, to hear a wholesome tale.Let me tell you a story about a man, nay, not just a man but a hero. A self-sacrificing martyr whose kind and noble deeds constantly go unheard of and unrewarded. A man whose modesty and mercy has undone him countless times in a world where virtue-signaling and finger-pointing have become the only accepted currency.
Please indulge me in taking a small break from being modest, to make it clear that man is I.
I, who founded the PCP, and who was the driving force behind its funniest memes and most memorable episodes.
I, who took sole responsibility for the pcp’s previous kickstarter, and was then publicly shamed by the pcp themselves for not finishing it fast enough because they wanted a new kickstarter.
I, who had faced a never-ending harassment campaign at the hands of personal friends and associates of a member I invited in, a member who treated me with open hostility and contempt, and who I had consistently forgiven, turned the other cheek for, and made an effort to continue working with despite it all.
I, who after putting up with this for the better part of a year, still repeatedly vouched for this member and protected his place in the group numerous times, ultimately making the self sacrificing decision to remove myself from this person by quietly quitting my job and leaving the group I founded.
I, who was then dragged out of my peaceful retirement 2 months later when everyone else finally decided this member was a problem, begged me to come back, and did exactly what I had warned them not to do by firing this person now that his behavior had started affecting *them* and not just me.
I, who somehow ended up being blamed for that person getting fired despite wanting nothing to fucking do with it.
I, who was then viciously lied about, publicly shamed, and had my personal and professional reputation smeared forever by a storm of drama-mongering misinformation and malicious dishonesty.
I, who despite having left the group for completely rational, noble, and selfless reasons, was consistently shamed and hated not only for leaving, not only for someone else getting themselves fired, but also for not coming back, by a mob of gossiping vultures who knew absolutely nothing of my reasons.
I, who have been leaving all that money on the table for months, giving up the substantial portion of my income that was those lucrative podcast paychecks out of principal and self-respect, and getting no credit whatsoever for doing so. All while continuing to let them use my likeness and theme song without asking for anything in return.
I, who despite having officially and definitively left the group almost a year ago, am still constantly cleaning up their messes and bearing the brunt of the fallout from their never-ending string of PR blunders and completely unnecessary controversies.
I, the Ramza of the PCP. Whose selfless deeds are swept under the rug and lost to history, and whose name is forever tarnished by the shame of revisionist lies and gossip. A scapegoat of the times, Punished Jess. The only one with a brain and a heart and a soul and a dick, and also the only guy who doesn’t suck dick. Everybody sucks dick except me. May all who turn their backs sink from the 30 pieces of silver in their pockets and drown forever in the doo-doo depths of the River Shits, as it flows hot through the 7th layer of The Furnace Room known to theological scholars as “The Poopy Place”.
Bitter? Me? Of course not.
So what do you imagine I do, when told that Radcon 3 is officially being planned, and another kickstarter is being set up?
What do you supposed I do, when asked to be part of the kickstarter and promise my attendance while still being held solely responsible for the previous kickstarter?
The answer is I, like the goddamn last bastion of integrity in this poisoned world that i am, refused. I refused to take part in the kickstarter and refused to involve myself in new obligations or promises before my old ones were met.
I, a man of honor and principal sorely lacking in this day and age, made the trip to Radon 3 not on kickstarter money but on my own dime. Not for adulation and fame, but for friendship and love. Sacrificing my time away on a far more personal and precious trip elsewhere to do so.
I chose to be there for my friends, but it wasn’t just them who i wanted to be there for, it was also all of you. To all the fans who responded with elation and joy to see me show up there, I say thank you. And to the PCP, I say you’re goddamn welcome.
Alright I’m getting bored with the tone of this post so i’m gonna be normal now and level with you about my level of involvement with the PCP, and my status in terms of membership.
For what it’s worth, I still don’t consider myself an active member. Professionally speaking, i continue to have and want no official ties to the group at the moment. Personally speaking however… well i showed up to the party didn’t I?
I know it probably doesn’t make sense to anyone and it’s hard to explain why it just doesn’t feel right to be a flag-waving member of a podcast i myself helped build, especially when i’m still good friends with most of them anyways.
On a purely practical sense the podcast is money that i desperately need and a lot of the time even i ask myself who the fuck am i punishing here? What does it matter? Why don’t i just go back on the podcast where all my fans want me and make some cash talking trash like the old days?
I don’t have an answer except that it just doesn’t feel right... and by "doesn’t feel right" I mean I hate it, it’s terrible, it’s a horrible nightmare, it shames me greatly, i rue my association with it entirely, i want it to die, and it makes me want to die as well.
The PCP is both a business and a friendship and so sadly i can’t hang out with my friends without sending mixed signals to the audience, i apologize for that. If only i hated them all just 20 percent more i would have the strength to never interact with any of them ever again and there would be no confusion. But unfortunately Tom made me a sweet shirt and Munchy makes me laugh so i just have to be friends with them and like it. Having friends is like swallowing medicine and getting to complain about them in these petty Patreon posts is the spoonful of sugar.
I’m trying very hard to be transparent and open with my beloved supporters but if it sounds like I’m always dancing around the specific details, blame my cursed professionalism and maturity, always cockblocking the ranting Irish jungle cat pacing in a cage below the surface.
My efforts to distance myself from the PCP have basically been sabotaged from the beginning by my own professionalism and refusal to instigate drama by detailing my reasons for leaving publicly, as well as my continued responsibility to make and deliver the pleeb and the weeb.
No matter how clear i try to make it that i am gone from the group, i still have videos that have to come out where i’m with these guys and so of course nobody understands anything about my status as a member or non-member. That much seems unavoidable.
The problem is two-fold. For one thing i literally founded the PCP. It formed from the primordial gak and grew itself around me. It quite literally would not exist without me. I am intrinsically tied and woven into the very DNA of the brand and that alone makes disassociating basically impossible.
I’ve never thought very highly of the PCP as an entity, or of any group entity for that matter. I’ve never been a joiner because i always knew being part of a group would end up being trouble, and having accidentally created a group has only affirmed that.
The PCP has no unifying code of conduct when it comes to handling publicity, which quite frankly makes some of them a PR nightmare. They all have their own ideas on how to run their personal brand, which normally would be fine, but being united under one brand makes that deeply irritating, not to mention damaging to be a part of, as i have repeatedly learned first hand.
I don’t always approve of every impulsive, stupid, maddeningly unprofessional decision the other members of the group tend to make constantly. Sometimes their handling of things leaves me shaking my head, burying my face in my hands, and wishing i was fucking dead. That in a nutshell is why i’ve come to dislike being associated with *anyone*, (despite every podcast, fanbase, and goofy little club on the planet all vying for a piece of me these days).
A good rule for life is don’t do stupid goofy shit, and don’t hang around people who do stupid goofy shit. Which is why i tend to keep my affiliations unofficial and at a healthy distance these days.
But there’s no removing my name from the pcp, there’s no escaping it. I started the fucking group and i will tragically always be the guy who started the fucking group. It’s on me like a shitty tattoo.
That’s one issue, the other issue is that regardless of those grievances these guys are my friends. There is nothing phony and never has been about the friendship at the core of the PCP. Twice now we’ve made the mistake of recruiting someone who we couldn’t already vouch for as friends and both times it didn’t work out.
That bond of genuine hamboi camaraderie was always the core of the pcp, more than anything. I’ll come right out and say that we had a really bad year as a group and it hurt some of those bonds, but they are still there. We came up together, and we built something together, and that’s not something i can let go of easily.
Unfortunately that thing we built together, happens to be a nightmare for me that i loathe entirely. Something that has essentially brought nothing into my life but pain and done nothing for me except savagely derail my life and career in ways i may never recover from. I’m not a fan of the pcp, not by a long shot. But i am a fan of the people in it, and i am a *friend* of the people in it.
So of course I wanted to show up to any get together they were planning. I wanted to make an effort to heal those bonds that had been stretched and stressed and the only way to really do that is by actually hanging out in real life.
But i did not want to be a part of the kickstarter with the other one still hanging over my head. I did not want to make a promise to the fans i wasn’t sure if i could keep. And i did not want to send mixed signals about my membership to those fans. I would not ask you to pay for a maybe, and I didn’t want any backers under the wishful impression that they were securing my involvement. So even though they had originally factored me into the kickstarter, i asked them to take me out of it.
I was happy for them and proud to see the kickstarter smash all its goals and then some, even without me. But i still wasn’t sure about going until the last minute. I knew the guys wanted me there, I knew the fans wanted me there, but i also have much more important personal obligations, and other people needed me elsewhere that same week.
As always it came down to the wire with me needing to be in two places at once and knowing the world was once again on my shoulders and mine alone, and that no matter what i do i’m disappointing someone, so i did the only logical thing. Rather than choose between my two obligations i just did them both.
I flew all the way across the country in one direction for half the week, then flew all the way back for the other half. I think it involved 6 different plane rides all together, (including one night stranded in a connecting city), and all out of my own pocket! What a nightmare! What a sacrifice! What a goddamn hero!
It was just as the great poet Endless Jess once said in his seminal breakthrough hit, Crystal Ball.
“I see a fork in the road, grab my machete, carve my own path straight ahead, set ready."
And so with a tear in my eye i waved goodbye to my brief time away from the spotlight to show up in time for the last few days of Radcon 3, all on my own dime. Not for me but for my friends and my fans. For my pals and my patrons. For my Hambois and my Rose Boyz.
Anyways enough telling you what a hero i am, even though it’s true. Here’s the 2 live stream lets plays i did with hippo. The first is We Love Katamari, i showed up as a surprise about 5 minutes in.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5TV6ChP9jo&list=PL09go9ZyhT_7JZ05iUMER4muxVHolFLqN&index=18&t=0s
After that Hippo and I continued our yearly snail paced excursion through the world of Tomb Raider 1. This year we got through 2 entire levels! See you next year, Lara!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUXs4VKDYVc&list=PL09go9ZyhT_7JZ05iUMER4muxVHolFLqN&index=19&t=0s
If that weren’t enough i also made an appearance in the 3rd annual PCP Rumble, where my time on this earth was tragically and poetically cut shirt by no other than the spawn of my own cursed creation, PCP Guy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HI9-Hs0voA0&index=21&list=PL09go9ZyhT_7JZ05iUMER4muxVHolFLqN
Next up is the lectures, all of which i sat in on, and 2 of which i contributed to quite a bit. Here’s the ones posted so far, Digi’s Dick Masterson lecture, and Tom’s Guilty Gear lecture, two massive lore dumps that are equally insane.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ledktlPYTVk&list=PL09go9ZyhT_7JZ05iUMER4muxVHolFLqN&index=22
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6lXDUj1ilk
And there’s more where that came from! There are still 2 lectures that haven’t been uploaded yet, and you can bet your bottom butt i’m in both of those too!
I also made guest appearances on pretty much everything else filmed as well as no doubt a crap ton of behind the scenes stuff. In addition to sitting in and lending my voice to 4 PCP lectures, i also guested in everyone else’s crap!
Things you can look forward to with me in it:
-A certain pact of intensely burning brotherhood
-A certain talk show featuring boys, games, and greens.
-A certain show not safe for members of the police force
-The long awaited return of a certain pirate adventure
-Sampling a certain poor boy’s finest cuisine
-A never before seen brand new collab series
It’s up to them when all this stuff gets posted but look forward to it while i look forward to my fucking grave!
From what I experienced Radcon 3 was a massive success. For those few days it was like the old days before the cancer seeped into our group and poisoned it. Everyone had a great time and no one died.
This was a long post, thanks for reading it. I want to make it clear that me being at Radcon 3 doesn’t solve all my issues with the group as an entity, and it doesn’t mean i’m ready to throw my hat back in and join the team. It just means it was important for me to spend time with my friends and share some of those good vibes with all of you. Good vibes that i have desperately needed.
Coming home after a week away from all this was like coming out of a happy dream to the disappointment that nothing has really changed. As soon as i got home and logged on it’s been right back to the same old bullshit, fml tbh fam.
To anyone who happened to be on the stream chats when i showed up, thank you for the warm reception. All things considered I did have a good time for the first time in a long time. Seeing the guys felt great and it meant everything to me to get the chance to put the bullshit aside and be friends again, at least for a couple days, before returning to my regular hellish existence, where nightmares are the best part of my day and the whispers of Mistress Death approaching seem a lullaby on the wind.
There will be a lot of content coming out and i’m in most of it. Look forward to it. I love you.
Comments
A painful, honest response I appreciate you having the integrity to state. Your appearance at Radcon 3 was the sweetest surprise of the year, and I only hope you continue to enjoy yourself into the future, despite the burden of brilliance.
Michael
I want to thank you jess, for everything, Radcon would have something missing without you, know that if you ever decide to come back to the podcast we will be there to support you.
I almost fainted when I saw Endless Jess on the Hot Goss PCP lecture.
I believe in Endlett Je.
Glad to hear you had fun! Nice haircut btw, gave me unexpected nostalgia
Max A
Your surprise appearance was great, Jess. I enjoyed you in the streams and lectures and look forward the RadContent with you in it!
As a guy who fell off watching all TPC stuff completely, it's been nice enjoying some again. Thank you o humble one.
