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Fuck Halloween 2: Electric Spookaloo
🕑 Added 2016-10-31 16:38:40 +0000 UTC My blood-grudge against Samhain continues this year as I brave the unholy grounds of my local Halloween Store. Gaze in horror as a simple attempt to partake in the spirit of the autumn harvest becomes a nightmarish descent into a dark valley of high prices and higher socially anxious misanthropy. What is the price of spooky masks and silly hats these days? About 100 dollars, your mortal soul, and an undeserved walk of shame into eternal social exile.Fun fact: This isn't even the only horrific Halloween misadventure i bumbled my way through this year. There was also a chaotic catastrophe that took place at Cody Larue's annual ButtChugger Ball where I sort of, maybe, kind of caused a riot. Cody brewed the butt juice, and I brought the beat downs. Needless to say old Rowdy Uncle Endless turned that Buttchugger Ball into a Buttchugger Brawl. Wait... is it still a brawl if it's 1 vs. all? Or is that more of a Last Stand? Either way that legendary tale will have to wait until the midnight society gathers around the fire next year for Fuck Halloween 3.
You know, I don't really hate Halloween in theory. Quite the contrary in fact. To be honest I wish Halloween went through November too. I love the atmosphere and the skeletons, the excuse to watch a bunch of horror movies, and make spooky videos. Like all things in this world the stuff i hate about Halloween all boils down to the folly of man. Life is grand, It's the people I hate. I think maybe that's the theme of the entire fuck series, and possibly the theme of my entire life. I'm a man of simple pleasures, in love with the universe and seeking only to admire and share the beauty of all things in it. But constantly impeded, constantly shackled down and beset on all sides by the miserable miscreants and scum sucking shit rags that populate this planet and drag the whole experience down into the crapper.
Humanity, with their constant judgement, their idiotic social conventions, illogical expectations, and irrational behavior. People choking our culture with their ill conceived inventions and halting progress with their incompetent craftsmanship. Their counter-intuitive computer operating systems, their unreliable internet, their disruptive automatic updates, their abominable pizza chains and rust bucket automobiles. Their glass and their football and their mold and mildew. To what degree do I detest mold and mildew? Well let's just say I've been here a long time and have yet to change my stance on my matter.
My point is this, except for the small caveat that I hate Halloween, I love Halloween, and of all the things I hate about this thing I love the thing I love the least is that I don't get to hate it longer. It seems like every year i find myself on October the 31st wishing i had done more, that i had made more spooky videos, songs or miscellaneous content capitalizing on this most fleeting of seasonal gimmicks.
It's a tough job, and the holidays can be rough, but too much Halloween stuff is never enough. So in other words i need to stop writing this because i only have 12 more hours to pack as much halloween stuff into America's muff before November comes and forces me to make videos about lame, meaningless fluff like the election and Thanksgiving. Boo, and i don't mean boo! I mean boo as in boooo, or the old Germanic expression it's derived from "boooo-rinnnggg". Such a woefully non-spooky month November is, not a single skeleton to be found, unless you count the ones in Hilary's closet.
Actually now that I think about it, Between Hilary "10,000 centipedes in a person suit" Cuntman, and Donald The fucking Hutt, maybe Halloween IS going an extra month this year.
It's a Halloween Miracle! Hail Satan!
Comments
Alexandre Rayon
Loved that rant about the store workers judging you for the shit your buying. People suck dude. This is why pirates stay at sea, and only dock to drink and shag ladies at the tavern.
