SleepyHypno
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Pledging the Sorority - N.C.U. Editing Banter.
🕑 Added 2019-03-09 06:09:19 +0000 UTC
Story: She sighed in relief and held the box close to her, as if she were hugging it, while glaring over at the book on Rayne’s bed. Almost as if she was expecting the book to move…or attack her.
SG: could have been an interesting twist :oP
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Story: The two ladies were talking, catching up on life, but at such a high speed that I couldn’t possibly repeat it to you here, because roughly one second of conversation would fill five pages...and I’m not even sure that any of it was coherent to begin with the first time around. Women… am I right?
SG: heheh nice
Me: Tell me you can't hear [person Trisha is based on] and [Person Carly is based on] doing doing this =cP
SG: oh no, i absolutely can :oP
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Story: Do you think you would find your arm rising now Rayne…or would you be completely oblivious to it until it was straight up and down.
SG: Damn it...she says, looking over at her free arm, only to see it halfway in the air…
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Story: Rayne seemed to blush even more, less about what was being said and more about the fact that she was the center of attention.
SG: I know that feeling :oP
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Story: With a gentle tug forward Rayne finished the induction with a single word… “Sleep!”
SG: ok well i'm two for two tonight, first the arm and then this
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Story: She’s so much quieter like this!”
SG: LOL, ok, so, how many times have you thought that after putting someone out? :oP
Me: Every.. Damn… time….
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Story: “Why don’t I show you…” she said as she moved in front of Carly and dangled a crystal pendant in front of the girl’s eyes.
SG: thoughts while editing: gets to the part with the pendant yeah i'm going to end up having to edit this part again…
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Story: Completely unaware of how easily she’d been hypnotized.
SG: well this reinforces my theory that i drop like a rock for pendant inductions, but good job on that, it was really well written...the struggle was nice, too
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Story: Description: As the girls discuss Rayne’s issues with Klaire, Trisha demonstrates a unique induction on an unsuspecting Laura.
SG: So I read this earlier, because i usually just do a read through before i do any editing, and...um...damn. Holy shit did that push buttons...like...a lot. I'm sure I have a lot more thoughts (they might not be constructive, but I have them) but let's just stick with damn.
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Story: “Was the boyfriend cute? Was your roommate? Are you still roommates with them? Just curious…”
SG: that sounds about right… [in reference to the person trisha is based on]
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Story: the whole ‘look into my eyes’ thing with the stupid hand wave that’s so cliche
SG: cliche - yes, button pushing - also yes...sometimes cliches work :oP
Me: Sometimes yes, but not on Klaire (or the person Klaire is based on)
SG: honestly I am not in the slightest surprised by that
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Story: When they give a character a command, they do so in a way that is gentle…but with complete confidence, as if they know deep down inside that the character…not even the strong heroine…can resist them. And to a girl that feels she is a strong woman, which I’m assuming from your description that Klaire feels she is, knowing that even a strong heroine can’t resist…is freeing.”
SG: actually that's a really good explanation of why the cliche works
Me: I know, thats why I wrote it =cP
SG: well done :oP it explains a lot in terms of button pushing for me
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Story: But, give them a villain whose powers affect everyone, regardless of mental or physical strength, well then they have an excuse…and that’s really all you need with hypnotism is to find the excuse that they need and give it them.”
SG: that...explains a lot, actually
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Story: as she slowly fainted into his arms from the fumes….”
SG: shiver number one...(from the whole paragraph, not just this line)
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Story: She placed the sock under Laura’s lifted head, then released her hair, letting her face land squarely on the hypnotically suggested chloroform rag.
SG: ok, well...that...pushed a ridiculous amount of buttons (the whole thing, in general)...again, mission accomplished.
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Story: Rayne was practically in overload at the whole scene.
SG: what a coincidence, me too :oP
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Story: “I have…you used it last year when we went to the zoo on the hottest day of the year. Not our brightest move, by the way.”
SG: speaking from personal experience?
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Story: “I…will not go down…so easily…”
SG: famous last words... :oP (i know, i've said them)
Me: every damn time.
SG: every damn time?
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Story: Laura looked up at Trisha, barely registering who and what she was looking at as the older grad student smiled at her and finished her long, drawn out sentence.
SG: that one pushed buttons...(the image i got of the expression)
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Story: “Could you get me the tape over by the microwave, the stabilizer has broken loose and I need to lock it down.”
SG: Trisha seems rather adept at dealing with nerf guns :oP
Me: Star Wars quote =cP
SG: THAT'S why it seemed familiar. I kept thinking I knew that from somewhere :oP
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Story: “Dats…mot…mice…” she slurred. “Mice…mot mice…. Mice! Damm bit…”
SG: heheh i kept wanting to correct this even though i knew it was supposed to look that way
Me: LOL, oddly enough google was like "fuck it!"
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Story: Rayne and Carly both looked at each other in surprise, then looked over at Trisha to see her standing there with her dart gun and a very evil grin. “Reach for the sky ladies…”
SG: heheh you need a continuation of that one, that was pretty good :oP
Me: Think I should? as in continue it and have her dart the other two?
SG: yeah why not? I mean I'm not trying to pile more crap on you to write, but I think it would be fun
Me: Ok added a couple more pages.
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Story: “Honey, that girl always wants to be the center of attention.
SG: accurate :oP [ in regards to the person Laura is based on]
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Story: but so far she was drawing a blank.
SG: how ironic :oP
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Story: Slowing… Slowing… slowing, right down to a nice… relaxed… Stop.”
Sg: and i think i just ended up zoned out and staring at the last sentence for a few minutes…
Me: and thats the point.
SG: yes i know, i'm just once again pointing out that they worked on me, which i probably don't need to do
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Story: As the kiss ended she gave Trisha a gentle push and let her fall onto the bed next to the still sleeping Laura. The impact caused both of their bodies to bounce gently, much to Rayne’s delight.
Sg: Reworded these two a little because it sounded repetitive...too much bouncing :oP
Me: bouncing is good but the edit looks good.
Sg: i figured you would disagree about the bouncing :oP
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