AuthorPalt posts
Posts: 519
Files: 319
A Gamer's Guide 199
It takes a second or so to reel from the realization that I won’t actually have to kill him, at which point I hastily blurt out, “I need you to agree to join the Evil Claw pirates.”“To join the—” Turning back to me, he stares me right in the face, waiting for me to drop the act. After a few seconds of staring at me, he chuckles bitterly. “You’re actually serious. And what then, genius?”Strange question, but… “And then, you remain a pirate.”“And you, me, and all your barbaric pirate friends go adventuring, pillaging boa...
A Gamer's Guide 198
I carry Vann over to our ship, avoiding the uncertain looks from the younger members of the crew. I’m sure I could explain it away by saying that humans have a biological craving for goblin meat or something, but I don’t want to taint their impressionable brains too much, so I simply tell them I’ve got a rumbly in my tumbly that no greenberry pudding is going to cure.With my permission granted, I carry Vann down to the hold below deck. It’s cold as usual, a pair of dragonheart-powered engines keeping both the hold and ship as a whole co...
A Gamer's Guide 197
He grumbles something at me about this being terribly unfair before making the two hostages follow us up back onto deck. Going by smell, I can tell that everyone is gathered all nice and tidy in the common area. Perfect.Without any hesitation, I head there, Nazzo following behind me, only marginally less unhappy than his captives.The common area is surprisingly quiet, even before I open the door and head inside. Since the room serves as both a relaxation and dining area, it’s fairly open, with plenty of space to sit, stand, or huddle on the f...
A Gamer's Guide 196
With an unwilling but submitted Nazzo on top of my shoulder, I head down into the hull. I would’ve been more wary of a possible ambush if I hadn’t been able to smell exactly what was going on down there. Going by the scents of metal and weapons, I was dealing with seven guards, two civilians, one mage, and… a human. Yeah, a human.And you’d think this would explain the whole familiar scent deal, but it actually doesn’t. The familiar scent is up in the captain’s cabin, where I would have liked to go if I hadn’t been given clear and ...
A Gamer's Guide 195
Days turn into weeks. I have it good.For one, I get to experience my first real pillaging. It was exciting. Suddenly everyone was so serious, being fully aware that any of us could die. People seemed to know their roles, but few felt truly comfortable in them. A general rule of thumb was to leave as many people alive as possible since they were valuable hostages, though anyone with rebellious intent or actual combat power had to be dispatched swiftly. I didn’t mind it in the least. A few of the younger members were hesitant to actually hurt p...
A Gamer's Guide 194
My eyes slowly move over the message.…I’m on the twenty-second floor now, huh? That explains what the god of cruelty was on about. This.A warm hand rubs my shoulder and I look to see Scar, still looking at me, his fatherly worry shining through an appropriately scarred face. “Are you sure you’re alright?”Across the table, through mouthfuls of gruel, Nazzo pipes up, “Yeah, what did the thing say? Does it say something funny?”I look away from Nazzo and back to the status message. It’s still floating there, demanding a reaction fro...
Art made by a real artist!
It’s true!
A Gamer's Guide 193
The rest of the day passed quietly. We had lunch, and I enjoyed some goblin cuisine for the first time in a while. I tried to tell Coda how I didn’t need to eat, but he forced food onto me, so I really didn’t have any choice. The eel stew was good, though, and when I tried to give compliments to the chef, Coda just said ‘Thank you!’ for some reason.Then, I was finally given a proper station. Tar-duty. The other goblins pitied me for it, which I didn’t understand even as I began my work, removing pieces of dried, hardened tar from the ...
A Gamer's Guide 192
“Kitty’s awake and fully healed!” Coda exclaims loudly to the gathered crew members. Now that I’m counting them, there are actually only nine of them. Can you really have an entire ship with only ten people to operate it? Is that even possible? Either way, the average level is nineteen, which is pretty damn high. More importantly, their reaction to me is very mixed. A few are celebrating, others are neutral, and a few are looking at me as though I personally killed their puppy. Well, I say ‘a few’, but it’s actually only one. It...
A Gamer's Guide 191
I jolt awake, lungs burning from the fact that I’m miraculously alive. I do a quick inventory check—conscious: yep. Arms: still there: Legs, back. Ribs: in their places. All five senses: up and running.I’m alive. I think. To ensure that I’m fully operational, I engage all five senses in turn. I can feel a blanket on top of me, and something coarse but bed-like below me. I can hear the creaking of a ship. I can taste the half-hardened tar sludge still coating the inside of my own mouth. I can see nothing because my eyes are closed, but i...
Various thingies
Totally unrelated to anything that may or may not be going on, yup yup yup
Various drawings and sketches
I be out here drawin. Will try to get back into writing soon. Unfortunately I got ADD and Autism and my brain randomly decided it was time to spend all hours of the day researching the french revolution. Send help. If anyone is interested in doing a Misery, I’m in (as long as there’s no bodily mutilation and you don’t force me to write the story to your tastes specifically). That’s all for now, I’ll see y’all around!
A Gamer's Guide 190
I come to, already standing in the lobby. H—how long have I been here?<Top—Status—Community><00:03:32Day 550><The nineteenth attempt will begin in20:23:56:28><The twenty-first floor will open in23:56:28>…Not very long, apparently. Ignoring all of that—<You have been given:Don’t-Worry-About-It! Lv.MAX>Is that…?<[Don’t-Worry-About-It! Lv.MAX]Has the same defensive and Soul-formingeffects as Magic Power(96).Currently loading…3% Complete.>The name’s a bit on the nose, but other than that… This is pretty much what I asked for, ...
A Gamer's Guide 189
…What the heck just happened?<You have cleared the twentieth floor.><You have received 1 000points for clearing the floor.You have received an additional1 000 points for being the first to clearthe floor.><For clearing the stage completely,you will receive an additional reward.><To repay your debt,the additional reward has beentraded for 5 000 points.><54 Gods have shown a positive response to you.You have obtained 54 000 points.><6 Gods have shown a negative response to you.6 000 points have been deducted.><To repay your debt,the floor clear...
A Gamer's Guide 188
I almost throw the thing away. It’s weird. It’s wrong. Don’t ask me for that. I can’t save you—I can’t save anyone. Please stop expecting things from me that I can’t give you.But I can’t bring myself to drop him. I can’t even bring myself to behead him like I was going to.Instead, I just grumble a couple of curses a child really shouldn’t hear, and lean in closer to his face, or, more specifically, to his eye. “Keep still,” I growl at him. Painfully enough, he does actually keep still, exerting a clear effort to keep him...
A Gamer's Guide 187
The world shifts harshly and the ground beneath my feet sways, catching me just before I can tumble ass-over-kettle. As soon as I’m able to stand upright again, the smell of ash and cinders hits me like a truck.Squinting, I take a look around me. This place… has probably seen better days.It seems to me that just a few days ago—no, hours, this place was a small village. Like, really small. I can count a maximum of a dozen used-to-be houses, now little more than charred and smoking foundations. Still, the placement of this village is weird....
A Gamer's Guide 186
And just like that, I’m back in the lobby. Paint, paint, paint...Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Since your magic is dumb and useless, I have no need for it, and will therefore be—<The Goddess of Childrenpleads for the assistance ofHell Challenger Lo Fennrick.>I… what? Wait, who are you? Goddess of children?Now listen here, lady, I’m not one to go and tell other people their business, but… You do know who you’re talking to, right? Miss goddess of tasty treats?<The Goddess of Childrenrepeats Her appeal and begsHell Challenger Lo Fennrick...
A Gamer's Guide 185
I arrive in the lobby. WHITE, WHITE, WHITE. The standard, that is.<To repay your debt,your inventory has been soldfor 32 points.><Current debt:166 001 points.>Considering what it should have sold, that feels like a strangely small amount.…Suddenly, this silence feels a bit overwhelming. I only spent like five days constantly surrounded by people, but… No, not people. Moleman. Five days in the presence of a friend, and now I’m alone again.Alone…Something jingles.…Hm?I touch my hand to my neck. There’s a band, and something metallic. ...
A Gamer's Guide 184
“Hey Kitty!”I jerk out of a state I hope was meditation. Who—huh? Oh! Standing up, I wave at Moleman as he approaches on his simple bike. “What took you so long, man? I thought I was going to fall asleep!”Stopping a pace or two away, Moleman folds out the bike’s leg to park it. “Sorry, it was a bit harder than I expected to shake people off. After the first hour or so, people wanted to party, not search for some common crook, so I had to pull the old ‘he may have betrayed me but he’s still my friend, I need to make sure he’s...
A Gamer's Guide 183
Despite not understanding a word he said, his declaration does nothing but feed the fire of her excitement.Realizing her arrows were useless, she pulls her sword from her sheath and dashes at him, ready to close the distance and end the fight quickly. Not that Moleman lets her.He may only be able to equip five spell rings—or whatever they’re called—at a time, but he switches them out often enough that I can’t keep track of them even when I try. He’s got a penchant for wind magic, but he’ll often switch it up with water or various mi...
A Gamer's Guide 182
I wake up by way of instantly entering a sitting position, almost throwing my covers clear off, my face flashing back and forth, memories of arrows and guns and roses crashing and tumbling through my mind like elephants on skates. Who—what—where—Someone grabs my shoulder. “Hey, Kitty, calm down!” I turn and find Moleman looking at me. “You’re okay, now. The fight’s over, you’re alright,” his soothing voice successfully brings my heart rate down from dubstep tempo to something more manageable, like a fast waltz. While I’m t...
A Gamer's Guide 181
She’s breathing heavily and smiling, holding her bow in one hand with her other hand resting on the hilt of her short sword. I’m also breathing heavily, though I’m not really in any place to use my right arm right. I should have recognized what she was doing earlier, focusing all her efforts on my right shoulder specifically. By this point, it’s almost more useful to pull it off if only to get it out of the way.However, after close to twenty minutes of bleeding like a stuck pig, I’ve finally achieved what I was going for.On the other ...
A Gamer's Guide 180
Her spurs jingle with each step, her face shadowed by the brim of her hat, yet still clearly grinning. Casual. Her posture is full of holes and openings, so many places I could attack from, but at the mental image of myself sinking my claws into her stomach, the vision of her planting an arrow straight to my forehead forcefully appears in my head.But maybe if I rolled across the stage and leapt at her back, then—arrow to the skull.What if I pretended to shake her hand and then—arrow to the skull.If I were to attack, then—arrow to the skul...
A Gamer's Guide 179
“Another bloodless victory! Has Kitty turned over a new leaf, or is he saving his claws for the big finale? Let’s find out! Everyone, please welcome the Hard Difficulty floor thirty-six—Wait, hang on…” Pain abruptly pauses, turning away from the audience. While He’s nodding and listening intently to what looks to be a firefly whispering into his ear, the audience mumbles between each other. Confusion and uncertainty seems to be the biggest reaction, not that I care. What I care about is the fact that Moleman and Rice are still cheer...
A Gamer's Guide 178
“With that done, let’s all welcome our next challenger to the stage! Give a big hand to AccordingToAccordion of the twenty-eighth floor, who despite his diminutive size, weighs in at a level of seventy, and is still somehow taller than Kitty!”That one went over well. Lots of people cheered for that one, yessir. Not me, though. I’m too busy trying to not look intimidating. See, so far, people have surrendered because I looked spooky scary, right? And, of course, part of my strategy so far has been to be a bit spooky scary to psyche peopl...
A Gamer's Guide 177
“So, when’s the next one? I’m in great shape, I could take anyone on right now!”Moleman rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. Proudly. “You took a sword to the stomach. How the heck are you in great shape?”I pout at him. “Don’t underestimate my auto-healing skills, Moleman. With my skills, I can lose an arm or two and be fine within the hour! Or the next couple of hours, at least.”He chuckles at me. “In that case, you might as well drop an arm or two.” I perk an eyebrow at him. In reply, he simply points at the tournament sc...
A Gamer's Guide 176
“Kitty, hey, Kitty, wake up…” Someone’s gently shaking my shoulders, but I’m pretty content just lying here, meditating, not really thinking about much of anything… “Kitty, come on, wake up!” There’s a gentle slap against my cheek, but that’s okay. I’m fine right where I am… “I didn’t want to do this, but…” There’s a pause. Snore, honk, mimimi…“Wake up Kitty, time for school!”I fly to my feet. “Whu—where?! I’m awake, I swear, I just have to—” I pause. Standing up, I find that I’m not at home, ...
Tier Revision (properly this time!)
Heyo! Remember how I tried and failed to raise the prices a week or two back and I made myself look like the buffoon I truly am? Well, thanks to the suggestion helpfully sent to me by Llac, I now know how to do this!Those still in the first tier will remain in that tier, in that price, for the forseeable future. However, I'll put a limit to it at the current amount of patreons, meaning that while you as the core patreons will remain in this tier, future patreons will join a new tier I'll make at 45kr (or around 4,5$/£).In other words, ...
A Gamer's Guide 175
A few hours later, Moleman and his party take the stage for their skirmish. Since they’re alone on floor 66, it’s only them. They could’ve just decided on a winner beforehand, but no. Apparently, they’ve got too much respect for each other, so they decide to waste everyone’s time by having a genuine battle.Maybe it’s hubris on my part, but watching Moleman pull out all stops and become a whirlwind of magic was startling. It felt like watching a beloved family pet suddenly rush a home intruder, except with magic instead of claws and ...
A Gamer's Guide 174
“—But you understand why I had to do it, right?”“...Of course,” Moleman says, head in his hands, back hunched.“I didn’t mean it,” I lie. “I was just making things up to—you know. Seem horrible. More than I really am, that is. But I didn’t mean it. If I went back in time, I’d clearly do the right thing, not this. I mean, can you imagine? Going back in time and not changing anything? That would be totally—”“Hey, Kitty?” Moleman says.“Yeah?”He peeks up from between his fingers, eyes dark. “Could you please be ...
