thehardtimes posts
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Hard Digest December 27: Early Access Ian MacKaye, Pamela and Tommy Lee, Radio Stations, and More
Panicked Ian MacKaye Frantically Calling Documentarians After Remembering Anecdote About ‘80s Hardcore He Hasn’t Told Anyone YetBy James KnappWASHINGTON — Ian MacKaye was recently spotted scrambling down a block, knocking over multiple children and old people who were in his path, in a harried effort to report to any documentarian available that he just remembered something else from the ‘80s, the source himself confirmed, repeatedly.“I had just dropped into the old ice cream shop where I used to work to grab a scoop when all of a sud...
Hard Digest December 26: Early Access Time Travel, Cybertrucks, Break Ups, and More
Local Band With Just Drummer and Guitarist Must Have Time Traveled From 2011By Ryan DonderoSAN DIEGO — Local indie noise band Static Teeth, which consists of just a drummer and a guitarist, left confused showgoers wondering if the duo had time-traveled from 2011.“I’m shocked, honestly. I didn’t see this coming at all,” said Abigail Moreno, a regular at the DIY venue Pit Stain. “Bands with just a drummer and a guitarist? Now? No way. I haven’t seen one since Bradley Cooper was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I’m star...
MVP: The Smashing Pumpkins "Tonight, Tonight"
Do you like Zeppelin rides and exploding moon men? Then we have good news for you. Today we break down The Smashing Pumpkins classic video for "Tonight, Tonight" and we barely even talk about Billy Corgan. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOG3eus4ZSo
Hard Digest December 25: Early Access Tattoos, Trad Husbands, Blood Work, and More
Punk Wishes He Had Gotten Tattoo of Alkaline Trio’s Heart Logo Instead of a Dog Shitting RazorbladesBy Peter WoodsCHICAGO — Local punk Rikki Fedlimid felt remorseful after getting a tattoo of a dog shitting razorblades to show his love for pop punk mainstays Alkaline Trio instead of getting the more popular skull/heart logo, reported numerous sources.“I didn’t want to be one of the thousands of people with the same exact tattoo,” said Fedlimid while perusing the band’s lyrics for a more tattoo-friendly line. “Everyone I know has t...
Hard Digest December 24: Early Access Christmas Crap, and More
Guy Wishing for Class War This Christmas Will Settle for a Decent Panini PressBy Chris BowenENDICOTT, N.Y. — Local man Jullian Karnes is hopeful for a war waged by the working class towards the wealthy elite this Christmas, but will settle for a nice hot sandwich maker instead if need be, fed-up sources report.“Given the fact that the whole country is fixated on the killing of that United Healthcare CEO and since it has opened the eyes of so many working-class folks to how the disgustingly wealthy oppress us in every facet of our lives, I j...
Hard Digest December 23: Early Access Caroling, Santa, Hot Topic, and More
Black Metal Christmas Carolers Only Reach Three Houses Before Murdering Each OtherBy Steve PackoskySEATTLE – Christmas carolers and members of local black metal band Kirkeråte only reached three houses before succumbing to the urge to kill one another, mystified sources reported.“It was our mission to invert the perverse faith of the Christians and convince them that they are helpless to the evil that pervades this dying planet,” gasped lead singer Tom Brafton as he was dying of multiple stab wounds at the hands of his drummer. “Such e...
Hard Digest December 22: Early Access Trump Administration, Fursuits, and Violinists
Trump Administration Poised to Remove Federal Protections for California’s Last Known AquabatsBy Matt OrienteSAN MATEO, Calif. – President-elect Donald Trump announced via Truth Social his intention to remove “any and all” federal protections for the near-extinct Aquabats.“It’s wasteful. Why would we protect something that hasn’t been relevant since the late ’90s?” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “The liberals destroying this country with these DISASTROUS protections want your kids to be able to put on a mask and costume and id...
Hard Digest December 21: Early Access Ron DeSantis, Meet Cutes, Beatles Docs, Gift Ideas, and more
Ron DeSantis Signs Bill to Remove the Word “Gay” From All Christmas SongsBy The Hard Times StaffTALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed a new bill that bans the word “gay” from being used in any Christmas songs past or present, sources confirmed.“Christmas is about spending time with family and celebrating the birth of my personal hero Jesus Christ. It is not a time to sing carols that indoctrinate children into a gay agenda that seeks to perpetuate the War on Christmas,” said DeSantis. “This bill is a tool in d...
Hard Digest December 20: Early Access Hallmark Movies, Elf on a Shelf, Breaking Benjamin, and More
Punk Hallmark Movie Features Scene Veteran Opening Piercing Shop in Cozy Small TownBy Bob KerrLOS ANGELES — Hallmark revealed that their latest holiday movie titled “The Christmas Stud” will feature a punk scene veteran opening a piercing shop in a small cozy town, confirmed mildly interested sources.“It’s about a scene vet named Spike Mayhem who returns to their hometown of Chestnut Grove, New York and opens a piercing shop to the shock and horror of the town locals,” said Stephen Parker, the writer and director of the film. “I h...
Hard Digest December 19: Gavin Newsom, Early Access Quentin Tarantino, Community College, Bartenders, and More
Gavin Newsom Calls for State of Emergency After Realizing He Hasn’t Been In the News For a Couple of WeeksBy The Hard Times StaffSACRAMENTO, Calif. — California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency after realizing it’s been well over two weeks since he was the center of attention, sources confirmed.“This is a serious issue that needs to be addressed immediately. Some people said I should wait until Christmas and release a nice family photo that says ‘Happy Holidays from the Newsoms,’ but that’s just not feasible. Th...
MVP: Ramones "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)"
Christmas is almost here and that means it's time to visit another classic Ramones video, this time it's a tribute to the whacky world of domestic violence. Cuddle up with your sweetheart and give this episode a spin.
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Hard Digest December 18: Early Access Sisqo, Santa, Band Shirts, and More
Sisqó Teams Up with New York Philharmonic for “Thong Song 2025”By Doug KolicNEW YORK — American R&B singer Sisqó revealed that he would be collaborating with the New York Philharmonic to perform a rendition of the 1999 hit “Thong Song,” confirmed sources who vaguely remembered that song.“I’ve been thinking about this since I saw a Vitamin Water ad with 50 Cent conducting an orchestra to ‘In Da Club.’ I figured it was time for me to grow up as well, show my audience that I’m an artist, not just some 20-year-old who’s inte...
Hard Digest December 17: Early Access David Bowie, Male Loneliness, KFC, and More
David Bowie Fan Has Completely Different Personality Every Time You See ThemBy Zachary WolfARKADELPHIA, Ark. — Friends of local David Bowie fan William Malloy report the young man has a completely different personality every time you see them.“I saw him last week and he was this clean-cut mod guy,” said Slater while fretting over what to get Malloy for his birthday. “But a few hours later he had long frizzy hair and kept talking about space. Yesterday I ran into him and he was wearing a beautiful dress, but he kept saying how we’re al...
Hard Digest December 16: OpenAI, Early Access Grindcore, First Shows, Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, and More
OpenAI Honors Dead Whistleblower by Feeding His Complaints Into New Language Learning ModelsBy Tim SheardSAN FRANCISCO — Executives at OpenAI agreed to honor Suchir Balaji, a former OpenAI researcher and whistleblower, by incorporating his complaints about copyright violations and unethical business practices into the next round of language learning models.“In a way, I want to thank Suchir. I’d shake his hand, but honestly I’m just glad this whole problem has gone away” shared OpenAI CEO Sam Altman from his flying yacht. “Feeding th...
Hard Digest December 15: Early Access Dream Theater, Co-Workers, and Facebook
Friend Group of Dream Theater Fans Makes Pact To Lose Their Virginities Before They’re Eligible for Social Security BenefitsBy Steve PackoskyNORTH HUNTINGDON, Pa. — A friend group composed of progressive metal band Dream Theater fans made a pact to lose their virginities before their Social Security benefit eligibility, cringing sources reported.“Girls have always been ignoring us and running off with jock types who wear Rhapsody of Fire shirts and actually clean their eyeglasses, and I guess we just kind of got resigned to it over time,...
Hard Digest December 14: Early Access GWAR, Facebook Shirts, Moms, and More
GWAR Forced to Reduce Fake Cum Usage After Tariffs Cut Supply to 5 Barrels a DayBy Rob RyderRICHMOND — Legendary metal group GWAR reportedly cut their usage of onstage fake cum to approximately five barrels a day after new tariffs increased prices to unsustainable levels, drenched sources in the front row confirmed.“GWAR has always given fans the best, and we’ve always sourced our cum from a classified location on a planet beyond Scumdoggia in the 7th Level of Hexorgan Centari,” said Blöthar the Berserker, who took the helm for the ban...
Sumerian and Hard Times team up for print editions, animated sketches, and comic book collabs
Hard Times celebrated 10 years of existence a couple days ago (We think, Bill and I aren't 100% sure on the date). But without you, the people who decided to chip in when we most needed it, we probably wouldn't have made it. You saved us! When you chose to support our work it was a make or break moment for us, and we'll never forget it.Here's some more good news about the site’s continued existence: Hard Times and Hard Drive have found a new home under the ownership of Sumerian Entertainment, who put out records, comic books, ...
Hard Digest December 13: Early Access Hot Topic, Touring, "Speed," and More
Hot Topic Staff Swaps Out “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Halloween Merch For “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Christmas MerchBy Jerrod KingerySAN ANTONIO — Employees at the Hot Topic store in Ingram Park Mall are working diligently to replace all of the Halloween season “The Nightmare Before Christmas” products for the Christmas season “The Nightmare Before Christmas” merchandise, confirmed hurried sources.“It’s important to get this product switched out seamlessly, since like 90% of our revenue comes from ‘Nightmare...
Hard Digest December 12: Our Punk of the Year Revealed, Early Access $6.66, Elon, Joe Biden, and More
Luigi Mangione is The Hard Times’ 2024 Punk of the YearBy The Hard Times StaffThe streets of New York are a little less dangerous for C-suite healthcare executives now that Luigi Mangione is in a Pennsylvania jail. But our offices were rocked by such a late entry into our 106th annual Punk of the Year award.We had our choice locked and loaded. It was going to be our buddy Dirty Doug, he had a hell of a year. He ate 30 cigarettes on a dare, and didn’t throw a single one up. He bit a cop who was trying to arrest him for being drunk and disord...
MVP: REM "Losing My Religion"
Consider this: We break down the REM classic "Losing My Religion" to help you get into the Christmas spirit. Bill and Dan discuss everything from Michael Stipe's wardrobe to Michael Stipe's dance moves and the guys definitely understood every reference in the video.Go watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwtdhWltSIg
Hard Digest December 11: Early Access Scrub Daddy, Local Businesses, Charity, and More
Makers of Scrub Daddy Release New “Scrub Sub” For Those Filthy, Dirty, Misbehaving StainsBy Dan KozuhPENNSAUKEN, N.J. — The makers of the Scrub Daddy recently introduced a new companion product, the “Scrub Sub,” which is meticulously designed to drink up the filthiest, naughtiest messes with pleasure.“We realized that some people need to unleash a little aggression during cleaning. Unlike its smiley-faced counterpart, the Scrub Sub offers a submissive approach to grime, that really lets you unleash on stubborn stains,” Scrub Daddy...
Hard Digest December 10: Jay-Z, Hawk Tuah Coin, Early Access Criss Angel, Weezer, Nancy Pelosi, and More
Jay-Z Quietly Pays Luigi Mangione’s Court Fees to Express Gratitude for Dominating Media AttentionBy Bill ConwayNEW YORK — Hip hop mogul Jay-Z discreetly paid off Luigi Mangione’s early court costs as a sign of appreciation to the suspected assassin for drawing all the media attention away from the fact he was being accused of raping a 13-year-old girl alongside Sean “Diddy” Combs, sources confirmed.“Luigi is my dude. I needed a miracle to get my name out of the headlines and it was delivered to me in the form of an Italian guy who ...
Hard Digest December 9: CEO Shooter, Early Access Joanna Newsom, Stryper, Project 2025, and More
Altoona McDonald’s 1-Star Reviews Shift From Complaints About Food to Complaints About Employees Being Class TraitorsBy The Hard Times StaffALTOONA, Pa. — A wave of 1-star Google reviews flooded a local McDonald’s location after an employee ratted out the suspected killer of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson earlier today, outraged sources confirmed.“I do my best to monitor our reviews because my bonus depends largely on customer satisfaction metrics, and it’s looking like I’m screwed this year. Corporate is going to have my ass,...
MVP: Radiohead "Just"
If the weight of the world is crushing your spirits then watching the video for "Just" might not be a great idea, you will probably just end up lying down on the sidewalk and never moving again. Well, Bill and Dan break it all down in this very uplifting episode.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIFLtNYI3Ls
Hard Digest December 1: Early Access Tote Bags, TRL, Jeff Lynne, and More
Missing Woman Found at Bottom of Tote BagBy Sarah FelicianoASTORIA, N.Y. — Local woman Jessica Hayfeather was recently discovered at the bottom of her gargantuan tote bag after a frantic seven-minute long search, confirmed sources who had been looking all over for her.“There I was trapped down there like I was James Franco in ‘127 Hours’ rationalizing cutting off one of my appendages or that girl from ‘Silence of the Lambs’ in the basement hole who had to put lotion in a basket,” said Hayfeather. “It all started when I was rumma...
Hard Digest November 30: Early Access Scott's Bass Lessons, Columbia House, Five Finger Death Punch, and More
Scott’s Bass Lessons Unveils Exclusive 90-Minute Masterclass on Shoving an Ampeg 8×10 into a 1994 Toyota CorollaBy Robert John ScucciLONDON – Scott Devine and Ian Martin Allison wowed bass players across the globe with their new masterclass on how to shove a refrigerator-sized Ampeg SVT 8×10 speaker cabinet into the back of a 1994 Toyota Corolla, enthusiastic tone-chasing bottom-feeders confirmed.“In this class, we’ll run you through the best practices on how to forcibly insert an unnecessarily large speaker into your economy sedan li...
Hard Digest November 29: Early Access Iron & Wine, Marathons, Patriotism, and More
Iron & Wine Fan Visibly Winded After Hearing Song at 100BPMBy Shane PaukerPHILADELPHIA — Avid Iron & Wine fan Kyle Bennet was recently seen panting in exhaustion after listening to a moderately-paced modern rock song, sources report.“I usually listen to pretty laid-back music, but I was trying to be cool, and see what this rock and roll sound, was all about,” Bennet explained while frequently gasping for air mid-recovery. “Then everything started rushing. It was like lightning, at a hundred beats per minute. So much all at once: not jus...
Hard Digest November 28: Early Access Democrats, Parents, Rivers Cuomo, and More
Top Democrats Ask Netanyahu if “We’re Still Friends” After Trump VictoryBy Chad KubrakWASHINGTON — House minority leader and top Democrat Hakeem Jeffries asked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu if they are “still friends” following Donald Trump’s presidential election victory, confirmed sources.“We’re a match made in friendship heaven, like Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart or the Joker and Two-Face. Most foreign policy plutonic love is so superficial in today’s world––folks bond over, what? Music? Hobbies? Lifestyle...
MVP: Sick of It All "Step Down"
Today we are thankful for the Sick of It All video for "Step Down" that taught an entire generation the correct way to mosh. Bill and Dan break it all down.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=6RkyxNa2W9o
