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Hard Digest October 5: Diddy & Garth, Early Access Chappell Roan, Moo Deng, and More
Guy Who ‘Likes All Music Except Country and Rap’ Feeling Pretty Smug TodayBy Dan KozuhNAPERVILLE, Ill. — Local man Brian Langley, who often proclaims he “likes all music except country and rap,” is reportedly feeling vindicated after assault allegations surfaced against music legends Garth Brooks and Sean “Diddy” Combs in recent days, annoyed friends report.“I’ve been saying for years that country and rap just aren’t my thing. People thought I was crazy for taking such a divisive stand, but with all this news about Garth Bro...
Hard Digest October 3: Early Access GY!BE, Bad Habits, Tool Fans, and More
Godspeed You! Black Emperor Vocalist Mortified to Learn Microphone Unplugged for Last 27 YearsBy Matt HusserMONTREAL — The lead vocalist of longtime post-rock instrumental band Godspeed You! Black Emperor was reportedly mortified today after learning that his microphone had been left unplugged for nearly thirty years, sources close to the band confirmed.“This is devastating. You’re telling me that for twenty years no one has heard a single one of my lyrics? For god’s sake, I wrote ‘Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven’ as ...
MVP: The Get Up Kids "Action & Action"
Take a trip back to 1999, a few short years before Myspace came along and made the word "Emo" a slur. This week Bill and Dan breakdown everything you've ever needed to know about The Get Up Kids "Action & Action" music video.
Hard Digest Ocotber 2: Tim Walz, Early Access Michael Meyers, Jorts, and More
Tim Walz Grilled During VP Debates About His Claim That He Was At Fugazi Show Where Guy Picciotto Climbed in Basketball HoopBy The Hard Times StaffNEW YORK — Minnesota Governor and Vice President nominee Tim Walz was asked about conflicting statements and timelines surrounding his claim that he attended that one Fugazi show where Guy Picciotto climbed into the basketball hoop.“You know for those of you not familiar with who I am. I grew up in small rural Nebraska town of like 400. The type of town that didn’t really have a punk scene, jus...
Hard Digest October 1: Vice Presidential Debate, Dave Grohl, Early Access Articles, and More
Tim Walz Debating Chatbot Trained Entirely On Your Uncle’s Social Media Feeds In Preparation For Vance DebateBy Tim SheardNEW YORK — Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz recently revealed that he has been practicing for the debate with J.D. Vance by competing against a chatbot trained on your uncle’s unhinged right-wing social media posts.“We’ve all got those conspiracy-brained uncles and weird relatives that we’ll dread feeling obligated to split the turkey with next month,” Walz remarked to some of the pre-debate press. “J.D. ...
Hard Digest September 30: Early Access Smashing Pumpkins, Child Custody, Cardiologists, and More
National Archives Releases Documents Proving the Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight, Tonight” Moon Landing Was FakedBy Sidney ConantWASHINGTON — The National Archives released an overwhelming collection of previously classified documents this morning proving that the moon landing from The Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight, Tonight” music video was faked, incredulous sources confirm.“It is a great day when truth prevails against the lies told by powerful men, and today is perhaps the greatest day I’ve ever known,” said Melanie Collins, Na...
Hard Digest September 29: Early Access Audiophiles, Dads, Toilet Paper, and More
Newly Declared Audiophile Exclusively Listens To Vinyl Since Ex Took Him Off Spotify Premium PlanBy Joe RumrillANAHEIM, Calif. — Local deadbeat Griffin Carson adopted the stance of vinyl-only “audiophile” coinciding with his ex-girlfriend’s understandable decision to remove him from her Spotify Premium plan, sources confirmed while agreeing “good for her.”“Actually, I don’t miss the endless library of easily-accessible music always at my fingertips at all. I actually despised how simple it was to make shareable playlists. Who ev...
Hard Digest September 28: Early Access Country Musician, Raw Denim, Drinking, and More
Modern Day Country Singer Visits Folsom Prison to Advocate for Harsher SentencingBy Matt HusserFOLSOM, Calif. — Country singer Carlson Swagger brought his cowboy bootlickin’ brand of lawful country music to Folsom Prison today where he performed only for law enforcement while advocating for harsher sentencing for the prisoners, sources confirmed.“Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone except the criminal scum who deserve to rot behind bars, who’s ready for some law abidin’ tunes from the heartland? Johnny Cash once visited this very stage wi...
Hard Digest September 27: Early Access Green Day, Tim Burton, J.D. Vance, and More
Green Day Reveals “American Idiot” More Specifically About Time Tré Cool Ate Big Plate of Lasagna and Didn’t Wait 30 Minutes Before Going in PoolBy Bobby KorecRODEO, Calif — Bay Area punk band Green Day revealed that their 2004 release “American Idiot” was more specifically a concept album about the time drummer Tré Cool ate a large serving of lasagna and didn’t wait at least 30 minutes before going in the pool, confirmed sources who had a hunch that’s what it meant.“As you may already know, all of our albums have themes to ...
Hard Digest September 26: Early Access Last Day of Ska Week and More
QR Code Once Again Mistaken For Great Ska LogoBy Matt McInerneyORANGE COUNTY, Calif. — Staff members at local diner Joe’s Old Fashioned Burgers reported that the QR code located on each table to access their menu was once again mistaken for a great ska logo, fed-up sources confirmed.“I was debating between the rib combo or smoked wings when I saw this beautiful creation that I thought would be perfect to represent our band. It wasn’t anything wild, just clean, simple squares printed on a tent card, but it really caught my eye,” said B...
MVP: Foo Fighters "Everlong"
This week on MVP we discuss the classic music video for "Everlong" and break down every single aspect of the video and Dave Grohl's personal life. Other than his recent affair, because that happened after we recorded the episode. Sorry. Try to enjoy it anyway.
Hard Digest September 25: Ska Week Early Access and More
Man Who Likes Everything But Rap and Country Admits He Forgot About SkaBy Audrey Vieira|NEW YORK — Self-described music enthusiast Robbie Rivera is in critical condition after realizing his previous statements about enjoying everything but rap and country failed to account for ska, sources report.“Just because I like everything but rap and country doesn’t mean I’ve heard and loved everything else out there,” Rivera said while Googling ska for the first time. “I tell people that because I’m an open-minded guy who likes Taylor Swift...
Hard Digest September 24: Ska Week Continues and a Lot More
Bob Dylan Wondering if It’s Too Late to Do a Genre-Defining Ska AlbumBy Adam Frost-VenrickMALIBU, Calif. — Legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan, the genius behind albums like “Highway 61 Revisited,” “Time Out of Mind” and “Blood on the Tracks” is considering trying to fulfill a career-long aspiration of recording a genre-defining ska album, sources close to the aging musician confirmed.“A lotta people asked me why I refused my Nobel prize a few years back,” said a somehow still-alive Dylan. “It’s because my work is not ...
Hard Digest September 23: Ska Week Early Access and More
Man Forces Romantic Partners to Sign NDA About His Love of SkaBy Doug KolicBALTIMORE — Local resident Gavin Moldenhauer is reportedly demanding all romantic partners sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement to keep his obsession with ska music secret, according to sources seeking legal advice.“Coming from a very prominent family, it’s important that I don’t do anything to embarrass them,” Moldenhauer stated as he watched the “Shark Fighter!” music video on loop. “My dad said if I ever wanted to take over the business I needed to keep a c...
Hard Digest September 22: Laura Jane Grace and Early Ska Week Access
Laura Jane Grace and the Mississippi Medicals Debut EP Technically the Closest Thing Anyone in Mississippi Has to HealthcareBy James KnappBILOXI, Miss. — Recent reports from the United States Department of Health and Human Services indicate that the debut EP by Laura Jane Grace and the Mississippi Medicalsis the only barrier standing between millions of Mississippians and grievous injury or illness on a daily basis, sources fearful for the state’s general well being confirmed.“I would like to start off by saying to the people of Mississip...
Hard Digest September 21: Early Access Anthony Kiedis, Weighted Blankets, Zillow, and More
Affordable Date Night: Anthony Kiedis Gets Senior Discount While Girlfriend Orders off Kids MenuBy Chris BrattonLOS ANGELES — Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis was seen enjoying dinner at a local Denny’s with his new girlfriend moments before requesting a senior discount for himself and a kids menu for his partner, sources confirmed.“When you get to this age it would be reckless to not enjoy the perks. Whether it is an AARP deal for new tires, a senior discount on coffee at McDonalds, or using your exorbitant monetary resource...
Hard Digest September 20: Early Access Tom Waits, Edging, Ben Shapiro, Landlords, and More
Tom Waits Finally Clears Throat Revealing Actual Falsetto VoiceBy Chris BrattonSAN FRANCISCO — Legendary musician Tom Waits spent over a minute clearing his throat to reveal a beautiful singing voice that was octaves higher and vibrating during a rare live performance last night, baffled sources confirmed.“Well, I guess I never thought to hack all that nasty phlegm out of my throat. I just assumed that if it needed to happen, then it would have been done by something in this world that controls such things. The night of the show I was admir...
Hard Digest September 19: Early Access the DMV, presidential candidates, New Jersey, and More
Woman Who Lost Entire Wallet Considers Elaborate Identity Theft Scheme to Avoid Calling Banks and the DMVBy Colleen NerneyALBANY, N.Y. — Local woman Andrea Wellson is reportedly considering a risky and in-depth plan to commit identity theft to spare herself from having to go to the DMV after losing her driver’s license, sources confirmed.“I lost my entire fucking wallet last week,” said a visibly frazzled and manic Wellson. “There is no way in hell I’m about to go through the hassle of replacing every single credit card, every singl...
MVP: The Smashing Pumpkins "Today"
This week on MVP Bill and Dan recorded an entire episode about the music video for "Today." Then Billy Corgan came in and rerecorded all the parts himself. It actually turned out pretty good, he does a great impression of both of them. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmUZ6nCFNoU
Hard Digest September 18: Early Access Guitars, Verbal Abuse, Rock Radio, and More
Guitar Enters Wall Decoration PhaseBy Zac LuxATLANTA — The well-played guitar of local man Cody Marksen entered its next chapter as a wall decoration in his suburban condo, sources actively searching for a “Reservoir Dogs” poster confirmed.“One day I woke up and it was just… there,” said Marksen, the former guitar player of Atlanta hardcore band Incitement. “I remember playing some backyard pig roast show with bonfires and dirtbikes, pretty sure I jumped through a table that was covered in gasoline. The next morning I woke up to i...
Hard Digest September 17: Secret Service, Early Access Uber Drivers, Michale Graves, Bank Robbers, and More
Secret Service Considers Asking Agents Back to Office at Least Two Days a WeekBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — Ronald Rowe Jr, acting director of the Secret Service, held a press conference today to announce that he is heavily considering requesting all members of the Secret Service return to the office in person for at least 2 days a week following another attempt on former president Trump’s life.“As our world returns to normal, we’re requesting that all our agents begin to guard our nation’s top political leaders in person at lea...
Want to Be Internet Famous For About 4 Seconds?
Hello photogenic Patrons. We need your help with some art. If you want to be the subject for one of the headlines listed below please email bill@thehardtimes.netwith the subject line "HT ART" and we can talk over what would be needed.All you need is the camera on your phone, and the ability to turn that phone sideways to take the photo. This is all first come first serve. Hope to talk to you soon. Good Samaritan Zips Up Stranger’s Fly for HimHardcore Drummer Kindly Asks Singer to Put Shirt Back on Since It was Kind of His Thing FirstS...
Hard Digest September 16: Early Access Box Sets, Popcorn Buckets, Junk Drawers, and More
Most Americans Giving Up The Dream of Owning 30th Anniversary Box SetBy Rob RyderWASHINGTON — A new report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows the majority of Americans are giving up the dream of owning the 30th-anniversary box set of their favorite ‘90s record.“This all started about three years ago with the release of the 30th anniversary of ‘Nevermind,’” explained Mark Engles while flipping through used CDs at a local Goodwill. “Little did we know, that was just the start of it. Within a few years we had 30th-anniversary ...
Hard Digest September 15: Early Access Smashed Guitars, Television, Chromeo, and More
Scientists Confirm Smashed Guitars Feel PainBy Zac LuxSCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — A team of scientists was left bewildered after a series of tests definitively proved that smashed guitars feel pain and anguish when smashed on stage, a new report confirmed.“We discovered it by accident,” said lead researcher Dr. Leon Baker. “A few of us get together to jam after work some days. I had a few too many beers in me and smashed this old guitar across some industrial microscope. The guitar just started spattering around on the ground like some sort of ...
Hard Digest September 14: Dave Navarro Punched, Early Acces Black Sabbath, Trent Reznor, and More
Dave Navarro Admits He’s Surprised Nobody Punched Him SoonerBy The Hard Times StaffBOSTON — Jane’s Addiction guitarist, and “Ink Master” host, Dave Navarro admitted that he’s shocked it took this long for someone to punch him following an onstage incident with Perry Farrell last night.“You know, it’s funny, most people take one look at me and think ‘This guy with the makeup and dumb hats must be getting punched on a daily basis, but truth be told this is the first time anyone has taken a swing at me,” chuckled Navarro. “I...
Hard Digest September 13: Early Access Rings of Power, Taylor Swift, Vacations, and More
Metal Band Forced To Watch Every Episode of “Rings of Power” To Find Unused Band NameBy Trevor GrahamRICHMOND, Va. — Members of a new unnamed metal band were forced to watch every episode of the Amazon Prime show “Rings of Power” to find an unused franchise reference as a band name, sources who want their precious confirmed.“This fucking sucks, all the good Tolkien-themed band names are already taken and now we have to sit through this garbage show to find some new name that hasn’t been used,” said guitarist Kyle Richards. “Th...
Hard Digest September 12: Early Access Dog Adoption, VH1, Divorced Dads, and More
Adoption Form for Elderly Dog with Gangrene Requires Everyone in Household to Have Pentagon ClearanceBy Jordan LiffengrenOAKLAND, Calif. — The adoption form for an elderly dog with gangrene at Pups in Paradise Animal Shelter required everyone in the rescuer’s household to have Pentagon clearance, reported several baffled sources.“This isn’t a game. We take adoptions seriously around here,” said rescue director Sharon Bell, as if scolding a classroom of elementary school students. “We require applicants to submit at least seven forms...
MVP: They Might Be Giants "Birdhouse In Your Soul"
This week on MVP Bill and Dan break down the classic video for "Birdhouse In Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants. If you like lightbulbs and weird dances, this is the video for you.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vn_or9gEB6g
Hard Digest September 11: Dog Eating, Early Access Insurance, Nirvana, Straight Edge Parents, and More
I Immigrated to This Country Illegally To Have a Post-Birth Abortion and Eat Your Dog – Here’s Why I’m Voting for TrumpBy Dan RiceLast night America witnessed the first and possibly only debate between two presidential hopefuls. One of them, former president Trump, came down pretty hard on illegal immigrants who have abortions after birth and eat dogs. His opponent, and actually both moderators, immediately denied that such a demographic even exists. Well, I can assure you, there is at least one of us.I am one of the child-killing dog eat...
Hard Digest September 10: Debate Coverage, Early Access Fat Mike, Countdown to Extinction, Swing Revival, and More
Trump Deviates From Debate To Deliver Tangent About “The Late Great Darth Vader” And His “Wonderful Empire”By B.S. MitchellPHILADELPHIA — Former President Trump deviated from his prepared talking points to pay tribute to Darth Vader and the countless jobs he created running his empire, confused viewers confirmed.“Did you hear this? Did you hear the great Darth Vader died? He was a great man and a great father. He would do that thing with his hand and choke people, wouldn’t even have to touch them, wouldn’t it be cool to be able ...
