thehardtimes posts
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Hard Digest June 28: Early Access ICE, Rick Rubin, Movies, and More
New ICE Recruitment Ad Just “Click Click Boom” Playing Over Video of Mexican Kid’s Birthday PartyBy Matt HusserWASHINGTON — ICE unveiled a new recruitment ad today that was just Saliva’s “Click, Click, Boom” playing at an insanely loud volume over a video of a Mexican kid’s birthday party, sources confirmed.“Look at little Guillermo smugly enjoying his birthday party, not a care in the world—that should be your cake, your nine-year old friends, your loving family singing you happy birthday, but instead this border hopping pi...
Hard Digest June 27: Early Access Guitar Pedals, Cops, Wall of Death, and More
Guitarist Buys $450 Pedal Just to Play Last 15 Seconds of “Karma Police”By Rob RyderANNAPOLIS, Md. — Amateur guitarist Jay Alvarez recently purchased a $450 delay pedal in an attempt to replicate the last few seconds of Radiohead’s 1997 Hit “Karma Police,” concerned friends reported.“I’d heard the song streaming a few times and I started to wonder how they made that wild sound at the end,” said Alvarez while testing various 9-volt batteries with his tongue. “I checked Ultimate Guitar and according to user guitarslut69, who p...
Hard Digest June 26: Early Access RFK Jr., Bluesky, Greg Ginn, and More
RFK Jr. Tells Staff Not to Bother Him Until It’s a Big Pox OutbreakBy Matt Husser WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dismissed a potential smallpox outbreak today by telling HHS staffers not to bother him until it’s a “big pox” outbreak, sources confirmed.“I’m this close to finally proving that artificial dye in tennis balls cause autism in dogs and all these worrywarts can talk about is a teeny little ‘smallpox outbreak’—well do me a favor and don’t come back until it’s a big pox outbreak, and it better...
MVP: Blind Melon "No Rain"
This week on MVP we break down the classic "No Rain" music video from Blind Melon that brought you the famous Bee Girl. So grow your hair out, grab you incense and settle in for another episode to enjoy with your family.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qVPNONdF58&pp=0gcJCdgAo7VqN5tD
Hard Digest June 25: Cuomo, Early Access Recruiting, McDonald's, ICE, and More
So, This Is How Rank-and-File Mediocrity and Corruption Dies — Guest Post by Andrew CuomoBy Dan RiceMy fellow centrists,As of this writing, I have just gotten off the phone with Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist, congratulating him on winning the democratic nomination for mayor of New York. It is a formality I fear may be part of a bygone era. It is in this moment of defeated surrealism that I realize this is how mediocre and massively corrupt Democratic leadership ends — with thunderous applause. This is haunting stuff.What the hell h...
Hard Digest June 24: Early Access Touring, Re-Education Camps, The Bear, and More
Touring Punk Band Cuts Transportation Costs 90% After Stealing Van From Costco Parking LotBy Ben FriedmanDAVENPORT, Iowa — A cash-strapped punk band embarking on their first tour was able to cut their transportation expenses 90% by stealing an unattended sprinter van from the local Costco parking lot, onlookers have reported.“The label signed the band contingent on us immediately going on tour to promote the album but none of us have a ride. I thought we were screwed until our usual band meeting in the Costco parking lot when we found the a...
Hard Digest June 23: Early Access Spiders, Liquid Death, Time, and More
Girlfriend Can’t Go to Sleep After Seeing Line 6 Spider in the CornerBy James Klinger MARIETTA, Ga. — Local girlfriend Kaitlynn Gagnon is unable to sleep after spotting a Line 6 Spider in the corner right before shutting her eyes, boyfriend sleepily confirmed.“Eek! Those things disgust me,” disclosed a terrified Gagnon while holding up her dress and standing on the bed. “There’s absolutely no way I’m going to be able to sleep now with that thing in the corner, especially while it’s making that weird buzzing sound at us. How didn...
Hard Digest June 22: Iran, Early Access, Country Music, The Strokes, and Splash Mountain
Trump Claims “Very Successful” Bombing Campaign in Iran Has Killed the Actual Osama bin LadenBy The Hard Times Staff WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump boasted that the U.S.-led military strike on Iranian nuclear facilities successfully killed the architect of the 9/11 attacks, Osama bin Laden, who was previously thought to have been killed in 2011 by elite military forces, sources confirmed.“We got him, well I got him. Because this was my idea, and it was a great idea I had, I’m not sure why nobody thought of this before me. Today a...
Hard Digest June 21: Early Access Bright Eyes, Hells Bells, the FAA, and More
Man Attending Bright Eyes/Cursive Concert Excited to Relive the Glory Days of the Most Miserable and Depressed Time in His LifeBy Kevin CoonsBOSTON — Local father and software engineer Evan Froom is reportedly excited to see emo bands Bright Eyes and Cursive perform together, recalling an earlier time in his life when he loved both bands and was emotionally stunted and deeply depressed, confirmed sources.“When I saw the tour announcement, I was just so thrilled,” Froom explained. “To get both Tim and Conor on the same bill is a dream co...
Hard Digest June 20: Early Access Gigs, The Tolerant Left, NOAA, and More
Friend With Upcoming Gig Suddenly Remembers That You Still ExistBy Sara TabinSALEM, Mass. — Your friend Jared Bunter finally reached out today to let you know about his band’s upcoming gig despite six months of radio silence prior to that point, sources report.“Honestly, I’m mostly just relieved to hear he’s still alive,” you said. “I haven’t heard from Jared in like, half a year now. I assumed he was okay because the band’s Instagram’s updates included occasional photos of him, but you never know. He never responded to the ...
Hard Digest June 19: Juneteenth, Early Access Democrats, Putin, Acoustic Guitars, and More
Trump Calls for Reparations for Families Who “Lost Their Workers” on JuneteenthBy Ben SobieckWASHINGTON — President Donald Trump marked Juneteenth, the federal holiday created in 2021 commemorating the end of slavery in the United States, with a call for reparations to descendants of families who “lost their workers.”“Juneteenth, what even is that anyway? It’s not a real number, I know all the numbers. I can count higher than most of the math science guys. People at NASA come to me when they need someone to count really high. Slee...
MVP: Butthole Surfers "Pepper"
This week we break down the music video for "Pepper" from your parents' favorite band Butthole Surfers. Grabbed your canned corn and settle in for a good one.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRXty8lDUW0
Hard Digest June 18: Early Access Prisons, Point Break, Kristin Noem, and More
Private University Brochure Touts Diversity of Nearby PrisonBy Matt Husser ITHACA, N.Y. — Elite private institution Bournestown University released a new campus brochure today touting the diversity of the college’s nearby prison, sources confirmed.“Here at Bournestown University, we’re proud to foster a diverse local community comprising many different ethnicities, socioeconomic backgrounds, and religions that our elite student body can safely observe at a healthy distance from Rockmore Federal Penitentiary,” said University Dean Herb...
Hard Digest June 17: Trump Mobile, Early Access Pits, Mercyful Fate, Supreme Court, and More
Every Trump Phone To Come Preloaded With Epstein Contact ListBy Tim Sheard NEW YORK — President Donald Trump’s sons Eric and Don Jr. announced a new Trump Mobile cellular phone service that will feature a new phone called the T1, which will be priced at $499 and come preloaded with the full Epstein contact list, excited sources confirm.“This phone will have it all. The ability to not only send, but also receive text messages. All on the only 5G network that won’t activate the microchip the Biden administration implanted in you with the ...
Hard Digest June 16: Gas Prices, Early Access Pantera, Velvet Revolver, Recitals, and More
What the Deaths of Countless Middle Eastern Civilians Means for You at the PumpBy Tim SheardSummer is almost here. That means hopping in your car and hitting the open road with your best friends and family. But before you plan on making that trip to the lake house, you should know that gas prices are about to go up once again thanks to the escalating conflict between Iran and Israel. Families will be torn apart, lives will be ruined forever, children will be killed, and worst of all, you might have to pay a couple extra dollars to top off the S...
Hard Digest June 15: Early Access Slipknot, Patriarchy, Target, and More
New Member of Slipknot Told to Look Busy Until the Boss Finds Something for Him to DoBy Steve PackoskyDES MOINES, Iowa — Newest member of Slipknot Brett Francese found himself struggling to look busy during his first day on the job, sources report.“I’m actually kind of surprised I got in the band only to be told to hold a clipboard and jot down something every once in a while,” Francese confessed. “I didn’t audition with any instruments. They just asked me if I wanted to join, which I of course accepted. When I got to my first pract...
Hard Digest June 13: Early Access Limp Bizkit, Urban Outfitters, Pride, and More
Limp Bizkit Fan Figures Out Exact Day in 1998 That Fred Durst Was Singing About in “Break Stuff”By Zack Zagranis JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Limp Bizkit superfan Dylan “Chuds” McKenzie pinpointed the exact day Fred Durst is referring to in the band’s hit single “Break Stuff,” something previously thought impossible by his fellow nu metal fans.“I was going over the lyrics and it hit me: what if Fred not wanting to wake up, the ‘he-said, she-said bullshit,’ and the threat of bodily harm with a chainsaw were all connected? From ther...
Hard Digest June 12: Early Access Meta, Recession, Solvents, and More
Meta Now Partnering With UPS to Mail Pictures of Hitler Directly to Young MenBy Matt BiekerMENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta announced a new partnership this week with UPS to physically mail high-gloss, full-color photographs of Adolf Hitler directly to the homes of young men not currently active on social media in a bold expansion of its commitment to algorithmically radicalizing America’s teenagers, confirmed sources.“We at Meta have always believed in meeting users where they are—whether that’s on Instagram, Facebook, or staring blankly at...
MVP: NSYNC "Bye Bye Bye"
This week we break down a punk classic. Of course it's NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye" a video you sat through in order to get to watch a Blink-182 video on TRL.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo-KmOd3i7s
Hard Digest June 11: Brian Wilson Tributes, Trump, Early Access Mormons, Sean Penn, New Jersey Sober, and More
Mike Love Posts Touching Tribute to Mike LoveBy Dan RiceIn response to the recent passing of Brian Wilson, often credited as the driving creative force behind The Beach Boys’ best work, former bandmate and cousin Mike Love posted an emotional and touching tribute to the life and work of Mike Love on social media today:“Today, the world has lost a brilliant musician’s cousin.Brian Wilson, who used to be in The Beach Boys, my great American rock band that I am still in, has passed. I will always remember Brian as a guy whose musical choices...
Hard Digest June 10: Early Access Steel Magnolias, The Perfect Crime, Trump, and More
Audio Engineering Mixup Results in Two-Minute Sound Clip From “Steel Magnolias” Being Included in New Mortician SongBy Steve Packosky LAS VEGAS — A sound clip from 1989 film “Steel Magnolias” was accidentally used in the beginning of the song “Axewound Rhinoplasty” by notorious death/grind legends Mortician due to an audio engineering mishap at Bloodsoaked Studios, sources report.“Oh man, I can’t believe I grabbed the wrong clip,” engineer Tom Duvroski lamented. “The band asked me to use something from 1987 slasher ‘Stag...
Hard Digest June 9: LA Police, Sly Stone, Early Access '90s Rock, Crypto, Millennials, and More
New Report Shows Cops Were Told to Escalate Violence in LA By Picturing Protesters as Their Wives and ChildrenBy The Hard Times StaffLOS ANGELES — A leaked memo from high-ranking law enforcement officials encouraged officers on the street tasked with confronting protesters to “Picture them as your wives and children” so they would be more willing to inflict extrajudicial violence.“Don’t forget, you are a hero. People might give you the finger, spit on you, and call you a class traitor for pursuing a career on the police force, but jus...
Hard Digest June 8: Early Access Dream Theater, Landlords, and Trump
Dream Theater Fans Storm the Capitol After Tariffs Raise Price of Real DollsBy Steve PackoskyWASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex dolls, was raised as a direct result of President Donald Trump’s tariffs, sources report.“I’ve been tolerating Trump’s meddling with the economy, but this is too far,” fan Joe Reynolds wheezed as he struggled up the Capitol steps. “I can’t just stand idly by and allow for this injustice to o...
Hard Digest June 7: Early Access Line Cooks, Turnstile, and Mr. Beast
Line Cook Who Listens to Music Exclusively Through iPhone Placed Inside of Cambro Under Ventilation Hood Won’t Settle for Spotify’s Inferior BitrateBy Robert John Scucci NASHVILLE — Veteran line cook Gerry Powell insisted on blaring music through his shattered iPhone 5 by placing it inside of a stainless steel cambro instead of streaming Spotify through an actual speaker, frustrated sources with tinnitus confirmed.“This is audio fidelity at its purest,” stated Powell while scrolling through his TIDAL playlists wearing a nitrile glove ...
Hard Digest June 6: Billionaires, Early Access Country Music, John Mellencamp, JD Vance, and More
Untethered MAGA Patriot Unsure Which Billionaire to Worship Going ForwardBy The Hard Times Staff HELENA, Mont. — Self-proclaimed “Ultra-MAGA Patriot” Tommy Walton admitted that the public blow-up between President Trump and Elon Musk is causing him immense mental anguish as he ponders which billionaire he will build his online personality around next, sources confirmed.“Let’s get one thing straight: Nothing can turn me against Trump. I don’t even care if he’s in the Epstein files. As far as I’m concerned, he saved dozens of chil...
Hard Digest June 5: White House Drama, Greta Thunberg, Early Access MTV News, Crust Punks, Orwell, and More
JD Vance Pumped to Be Getting Two ChristmasesBy Dan Rice WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance can barely conceal his excitement at the prospect of getting “Two whole Christmases!” this year in light of the recent explosive rift between Donald Trump and Elon Musk, sources claim.“Look, I understand the severity of the situation, and nobody wants Daddy and Daddy to stop fighting more than me, but if they do get divorced, that means I get a whole Christmas at the Mara Lago, and a whole Christmas at Elon’s house!” beamed the vice preside...
MVP: Soul Asylum "Runaway Train"
This week on the podcast we decided everyone needed a good laugh, so we picked a video that everyone thinks is hilarious. Join us as we break down the horrors of Soul Asylum's "Runaway Train" music video.Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRtvqT_wMeY
Hard Digest June 4: Early Access Manowar, Thrash Bands, Instagram, and More
Weird! Manowar Not Getting Girlfriend in the MoodBy Steve Packosky FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report.“I don’t get it,” you lamented. “I lit some candles and put on ‘Kings of Metal’ thinking it was a sure-fire way to get laid tonight. I even tacked the picture from the album’s liner notes of the band standing shirtless over the bed, but the only thing I got for this was a confused look and several requests to put o...
Hard Digest June 3: Early Access Vinyl Collectors, Coworkers, Gas Prices, and More
Lazy Vinyl Collector Well-Versed in First Half of Classic AlbumsBy Jason ClemenceFRAMINGHAM, Mass. — Self-described “audiophile” and “vinyl junkie” Jerry Cordman possesses encyclopedic knowledge of the first half of countless masterful albums, a unique trait that acquaintances attribute to his near-pathological laziness, confirmed sources.“There’s nothing more relaxing than spinning side one of a musical masterpiece, finally gathering your strength to walk 10 feet to the turntable, forgetting the album is only half over, and putti...
Hard Digest June 2: Early Access Van Halen, Moms, ICE, and More
New Amazon Prime Series Explores Alternate American Timeline Where David Lee Roth Never Left Van HalenBy Dan KozuhLOS ANGELES — Streaming giant Amazon Prime announced today the upcoming release of “I’m The One,” an alternate-history series that ponders how history might change if eccentric frontman David Lee Roth never left the rock band Van Halen to pursue a solo career, studio insiders report.“In this universe, the Iran-Contra affair never happens because Roth gets the hostages freed in exchange for a private concert for Hezbollah,...
