thehardtimes posts
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Hard Digest May 6: Early Access Kim Deal, Rock of Love, Boycotts, and More
Kim Deal Learns She’s Been Kicked Out of the Pixies after Plugging in Old Fax MachineBy Maksym LaRoucheDAYTON, Ohio — Breeders frontwoman Kim Deal reportedly discovered today that she’d been fired from the Pixies after plugging in an old fax machine in her attic to see if it still worked, confirmed sources.“I was shocked when the first thing that printed out of my IntelliFax 600 from Brother Electronics was a note from Black Francis stating that the band was broken up. I probably should have expected this, I never used fax machines but ...
Hard Digest May 5: Early Access Sublime, Nepotism, Dad's, and More
Warmer Weather Briefly Turns Punk Into Sublime GuyBy Ryan Dondero MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Steve “Vomit” Parker reportedly began his annual metamorphosis into a Sublime guy after temperatures cracked the upper 50s this week, sources confirmed.“I don’t practice Santeria, but I do have a crystal ball I bought at Spencer’s Gifts,” said Parker, rolling a joint with one hand and a half-finished Modelo at his feet. “It’s called Weather Underground, and the forecast says it’s gonna be 57 degrees today. Bup-bup! It’s boardshort ti...
Hard Digest May 4: Early Access Parking, Masculinity, Cinco De Mayo, and More
Guy Listens To Entire Genesis Catalog While Waiting for Opportunity to Back Out of Trader Joe’s Parking SpotBy Courtney HillSAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Local man Travis Anders recently listened to all 15 Genesis albums while waiting for a chance to back out of his parking spot at Trader Joe’s, fellow shoppers reported.“When I got to my car it was classic TJ’s parking lot gridlock so I put on the Genesis debut and went to work on a bag of strawberry popcorn,” Anders recounted with the corners of his mouth still caked in congealed pink ...
Hard Digest My 3: Early Access Stand Up Comedy, Sanguisugabogg, and Vaping
Local Man Horrified and Disgusted to Learn All-Time Favorite Lead Vocalist Now Doing Open Mic Stand Up ComedyBy The Hard Times Staff NEW YORK — Local man Peter Spearman was shocked when he discovered the frontman of his all-time favorite band Chaos Dissidents was doing low level stand up comedy around the city, equally disgusted sources confirmed.“Chaos Dissidents were these coke-fueled maniacs playing a mix between thrash and screamo that nobody else was doing back in 1999. I still have four copies of their split 7” with Low Voltage that...
Hard Digest May 2: PBS Funding, Early Access British Rap, Avoidant Attachment, Marl Wahlberg, and More
Trump Justifies PBS Funding Slash With Claims That Sesame Street Is Sponsored by the Letters M, S, and the Number 13By Zack Zagranis Washington — President Trump took to Truth Social to defend his recent executive order to cut federal funding for PBS with a diatribe against the channel’s flagship children’s program, Sesame Street, citing a recent episode’s connection to the notorious gang, MS-13.“Sesame Street or MS-ame Street as I call it, this show is bigly tied into the nasty, horrible, terrorist gang known as MS-13. It’s been br...
Hard Digest May 1: Early Access Drummers, Movie Villains, Music Videos, and More
Hardcore Drummer Kindly Asks Singer to Put Shirt Back on Since Being Shirtless Was Sort of His Thing FirstBy Char ByramBALTIMORE — Corey Cruz, drummer of hardcore band Maximum Output, reportedly told lead singer Devin Altman to please put his shirt back on during a show, as being shirtless was kind of specifically his department to begin with.“I’ve always been the shirtless one,” said Cruz, as Altman was seen sulkily pulling his own tee back over his head. “It’s kind of my whole deal. I get sweaty back here pummeling away at the dru...
MVP: Primus "Mr. Krinkle"
Primus is a weird band, weird people like Primus, and this video is weird. We break down everything you need to know about "Mr. Krinkle" for this week's installment of MVP.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOdo7dhvSwg
Hard Digest April 30: The Economy, Early Access Ghosts, Mussolini, Black Sabbath, and More
Trump Administration Argues Economy Only Appears to Be Shrinking Due to Cold WeatherBy Ben FriedmanWASHINGTON — White House Economic Advisor Peter Navarro aggressively challenged a report detailing the country’s negative GDP growth during the first quarter of the year, arguing that the economy’s shrinkage was only because of the cold weather conditions, the Trump Administration confirmed.“Now hold on a minute this is a complete misunderstanding, okay? I assure you our economic outlook isn’t this small, it just looks that way because i...
Hard Digest April 29: Early Access Ira Glass, Tesla, Rowing, and More
Ira Glass Lookalike Contest Held at Yo La Tengo ConcertBy Violet CowdinBROOKLYN, N.Y. — An Ira Glass lookalike contest was held at a Yo La Tengo concert this week, confirmed sources who weren’t sure whether it was better to win or lose.“Yo La Tengo fans have long been known to be mistaken for executive producers of NPR programming,” said Jayson Soderstrom, one of the contest organizers, on his way to help differentiate between a stack of IDs. “It doesn’t stop there, either. A lot of these people don’t just share physical similarit...
Hard Digest April 28: Tool, Led Zeppelin, Starbucks, and More
Tool Announce “Lateralus Gold” Experience Where Fans Can Pay $10,000 to Massage All Four Band Members for a DayBy Tyler RolandLOS ANGELES — Progressive metal band Tool recently announced the “Lateralus Gold” experience, which involves fans paying $10,000 to massage all four men in the band for a day, penniless sources confirmed.“Yeah, we just wanted to give something back to our fans by allowing them to work the kinks out of our shoulders and massage our soft tissue areas,” said singer Maynard James Keenan as he finished tracking ...
Hard Digest April 27: Early Access Ashes, Lo-fi Music, and Cybertrucks
Dead Punk’s Scattered Ashes Poison Entire EcosystemBy Doug KolicOKLAHOMA CITY — Scientists announced that the ashes of a cremated punk were so toxic that it would likely poison the entire local ecosystem for generations, according to nearby sources gasping for breath.“We knew that these types of individuals were infamously noxious, but we didn’t expect just how much of a negative impact their deceased bodies would have on everything around them,” stated a very concerned Dr. Jacoby Kinsley. “Normally when a person croaks and gets inc...
Hard Digest April 26: Early Access Jet, Sweatshirts, and Conservatives
Archaeologists Close to Uncovering Different Song by JetBy Tim Sheard MELBOURNE — Leading archaeology authorities excitedly reported they’re narrowing in on finally unearthing a song by Jet that isn’t “Are You Gonna Be My Girl,” skeptical sources confirmed.“Despite decades of widespread belief that Jet only had that one song, my findings are inching closer and closer to disproving that theory. Everyone called me a quack and a madman for believing they had more songs, but I’ll show them. I’ll show them all!” said University of ...
Hard Digest April 25: Early Access Rage Against the Machine, A Boy Named Goo, the Supreme Court, and More
Right-Wing Rage Against the Machine Fan Wishes We Could Go Back to the America That Existed When He Was Too Stupid to Understand the LyricsBy Reuben BlanchardPROVIDENCE, R.I. — A life-long fan of the political rock group Rage Against the Machine expressed outrage that the band’s politics had changed from how he remembered them in high school, confirmed sources.“It wasn’t like this when I was young, but now everyone is woke. People are claiming that a song like ‘Take the Power Back’ has some sort of political message. What message?! ...
Hard Digest April 24: Early Access Settling, Kid Rock, Anthrax, and More
Report: Woman Shows Early Signs of SettlingBy MJ ElliottBALTIMORE — A new report issued by John Hopkins University revealed local woman Cassie Maloney is showing early signs of settling for a partner that does not even come close to meeting her expectations, confirmed horrified sources.“All of our evidence points to Cassie living below her relationship means earlier than is typical,” said researcher Abby Gomes. “She’s been demonstrating unsettling signs too. For instance, she simply wants someone who will ask her how her day went, but...
MVP: TLC "Waterfalls"
This week Bill and Dan talk "Waterfalls" and tell you everything you have ever needed to know about this classic '90s music video from TLC. Also they talk about burning down Andre Rison's house a lot. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WEtxJ4-sh4
Hard Digest April 23: Riot Fest, Early Access Closing Time, Nardwuar, CEOs, and More
Chicago Teen Praying Riot Fest’s Lineup Includes Reunion of His Divorced ParentsBy Shane Pauker CHICAGO — Teenager Liam Mason is desperately holding out hope that Riot Fest’s mystery lineup will include a reunion of his bitterly divorced parents, sympathetic sources report.“They haven’t confirmed the lineup yet, but I just know they’re working to get Mom and Dad back together! ” declared Mason, shoving a Replacements tee shirt into his backpack for a weekend at his father’s apartment. “I have to be there to see it, and I final...
Riot Fest Ticket Giveaway Update!!!
Hello Patrons, so as we mentioned yesterday we have two tickets to give away to Riot Fest and we want that pair of tickets to go to one of you. Here is how to make that happen. Go to our post with Riot fest (https://www.instagram.com/p/DIy0Y8nvwJW/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==) and leave a comment, anything really, it can just be the fire emoji or whatever, and then all I need from you is to leave your IG handle in the comments of this post so I know who you are on Instagram.I'll put the names in a randomizer and choose...
Riot Fest Ticket Giveaway
Hey Patrons, tomorrow we will be giving away two tickets to Riot Fest on Instagram, but we really want one of you to get these tickets. So comment on this post if you are in Chicago and want to go, or plan on attending Riot Fest in general. We will select a person at random sometime tomorrow. Thanks everybody!!!
Hard Digest April 22: New Pope, Early Access Danzig, Dave Matthews Band, Parking, and More
Teens Vaping Behind Vatican Accidentally Elect New PopeBy Maksym LaRouche VATICAN CITY — Teenage tourists, Ronny Brewster, 17, and his best friend James “Cobra” Mooreston, 16, inadvertently elected a new Pope after getting caught vaping by a dumpster behind the Sistine Chapel, Vatican officials confirmed.“I snagged this watermelon-flavored vape juice from a street vendor, and I don’t know man, something about vaping in Italy just tastes better. Like how vaping is meant to be. Me and Cobra were just minding our own business, blowing so...
Hard Digest April 21: Pope Francis, Early Access GWAR, Eric Andre, Botox, and More
Pope Francis Dies Rather Than Spend Any More Time With JD VanceBy Tim Sheard VATICAN CITY – The Holy See Press Office announced that Pope Francis chose the calming embrace of death rather than experience any additional time spent on this Earthly plane of existence in the presence of United States Vice President, JD Vance.“He did everything he could to avoid the meeting. We feared such an encounter would drain whatever love for life and physical stamina the Holy Father had left,” shared Cardinal Angelo Poppavilla while trying to cleanse th...
Hard Digest April 20: Early Access Kid Rock, Drag, and Retirement
Kid Rock Reveals “Questions That Don’t Have Any Answers” Line From “Bawitaba” Is About the Unsolved Riemann Mathematical Conjecture Suggesting That Non-Trivial Zeros of the Zeta Function Lie on a Specific Line of the Complex PlaneBy Steve Packosky NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Popular musician turned right-wing icon Kid Rock revealed a line from his 1999 hit “Bawitaba” referred to the infamous Riemann mathematical conjecture which has been unsolved since 1859, surprised sources report.“Pure mathematics has always been a huge passion of m...
Hard Digest April 19: Early Access Easter and 4/20
Trump Presents Verizon Wireless Easter Egg Roll in Front of Newly Renamed TD Bank White HouseBy Zack Zagranis WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump delayed the annual White House Easter Egg Roll a in order to allow time to thank all the corporate sponsors who are making the event possible, confirmed multiple sources in fresh Comcast gear confirmed.“Just weeks after making a historic deal with TD Bank to rebrand The White House, and this was a great deal people, one of the best deals in the history of America. A lot of people are saying histor...
Hard Digest April 18: Early Access Weird Al, MAGA, Haunted Dolls, and More
Man Coming to Terms With Fact He’ll Never Feel Same Happiness as He Did Seeing Weird Al’s “Dare to be Stupid” Video for First TimeBy Chris BowenLOCKPORT, N.Y. — Local 35-year-old man Richard Colburn recently came to the stark realization that he will never again experience joy like he did watching the Weird Al “Dare to be Stupid” music video on “Al TV” for the first time, depressed sources report.“I thought being a father, having a beautiful wife, and even having my picture taken in the front seat of Grave Digger would bring...
Hard Digest April 17: Early Access King Diamond, Cigarettes, Democrats, and More
King Diamond Hoping Nobody Notices His Latest Concept Album Just the Plot of “Hocus Pocus”By Steve Packosky COPENHAGEN — Prolific metal singer King Diamond hoped nobody would notice his eponymous band’s new concept album “Infernal Curse” followed the same plot as the 1993 children’s fantasy film “Hocus Pocus,” sources report.“I entered the studio with a great idea for a story,” Diamond said sheepishly. “It dealt with three witches from the 17th century who were resurrected after a virgin lit a black candle on All Hallow...
MVP: Pearl Jam "Jeremy"
There are classic music videos, and then there are CLASSIC music videos and this one certainly left a mark. Today on the podcast Bill and Dan break down everything you need to know about Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" video which healed the nation and no guns ever entered a school again.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS91knuzoOA
Hard Digest April 16: Early Access Stab Wounds, Music Critics, Trump, and More
Dude Will Not Shut Up About Being Stabbed Five Minutes AgoBy Peyton CabralTACOMA, Wash. — Local dude Grant Brentfield wouldn’t shut the hell up about being brutally attacked with a knife just a few moments ago, confirmed mildly inconvenienced sources.“Like, we get it, man. You are gradually bleeding out onto the sidewalk, in excruciating pain the likes of which you’ve never experienced before, and need someone to call 9-11 for you. No need to keep going on and on about it,” said bystander Craig Vanguard. “A good 1,500 people a year ...
Hard Digest April 15: Early Access The Wiggles, Flags, Vegans, and More
The Wiggles and Raffi to Headline When We Were Even Younger FestivalBy Shane PaukerLAS VEGAS — Organizers announced that kids’ music legends The Wiggles and Raffi will headline the upcoming When We Were Even Younger festival, confirmed sources.“Former scene kids bought When We Were Young tickets by the fistful just to experience a weekend of nostalgia. We knew other age brackets would have the same success,” stated festival organizer Ashley Corn. “Our staff of Freudian analysts say that infancy is the next-best period for capitalizing...
Hard Digest April 14: Early Access Stolen Gear, Taxes, The Cure, Sex Toys, and More
Marketplace Seller Firm on Price of Stolen Band GearBy Jackson ChowVANCOUVER, Canada — Facebook Marketplace seller Teo Aubrey Domingo was firm on his asking price for the stolen band gear he put up for sale, confirmed sources who wondered if he could just come down 300 bucks.“I mean, it’s a pretty great price point, and I didn’t include labor. I tracked this band for a good week, and had to break into a double-gated community, and then tackle a locked van with an internal cage the gear was stored in. I won’t even talk about all the he...
Hard Digest April 13: Early Access Matchbox Twenty, Mr. Bean, Vegetables, and More
Scientists Develop Procedure Allowing Human Brain to Offload Matchbox Twenty Songs to Make Space for New InformationBy Arielle AndreanoBALTIMORE — Top neuroscientists at Johns Hopkins University developed an innovative procedure that will allow the human brain to offload Matchbox Twenty lyrics in order to make space for new information, confirmed sources.“Getting to this place in our research is indeed monumental, but it wasn’t an issue of ‘if’ but of ‘when,’” said Dr. Marcy Gellson. “There’s been a growing need for this exa...
Hard Digest April 12: Early Access Rap-Rock, Feminism, and Hulkamania
Right Wing Rap-Rock Band Releases New Single “Cop Kisser”By The Hard Times Staff GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local rap-rock band Antagonyze released their latest single “Cop Kisser” which they say should act as a blueprint on how to appreciate and respect all members of law enforcement, sources close to the band confirmed.“Yo, it makes me sick how much hate I see for cops online. These brave men and women put their mothafuckin’ bodies on the line for us every single day and the best way I could show my appreciation is to write a dope ass ...
