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DWBS Retcons
🕑 Added 2024-04-24 18:13:14 +0000 UTCSpoilers ahead, so don’t read this unless you’ve finished DWBS Book one.
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Hi everyone!
Some writers plan everything out in advance, other writers spend months editing what they’ve written. From what I’ve seen of writers in general, it’s more common than not to agonize over story direction down to minutia, making sure every piece cleanly interlocks with the next like an endless line of polished clockwork gears.
And then there’s me.
I have a trait where I can sit down every single day and write something with no prep at all and usually be so okay with what I’ve written that I then never return to it except to review Dotblue’s edits. Dot assures me this is a kind of talent, but it’s not without its downsides. Most recently, I feel that some of those downsides were visible in the DWBS “Sick Mizu” arc to an extent they normally aren’t. People (very kindly and politely) complained about that, and after reading the complaints I think they boil down to three specific mistakes I made:
Mizu getting sick more or less comes in out of the blue. After no hints that there’s any danger in the city during normal days, she’s bitten by some bug underground that nearly kills her. There’s no foreshadowing that this is even possible, so when it happens it’s a hard-left-turn whiplash-inducing shock.
Arthur’s method of making anti-venom only makes sense in a “well, it’s magic!” sense, mostly because the kind of bug that bit Mizu is not part of the process.
Arthur entering the dungeon and the way Karbo treats him during the trip don’t make a lot of sense. It’s presented as a really big risk, but Karbo not only takes him with him but leaves him alone. Arthur has a big-hero combat moment where he’s victorious in the nick of time, too, which isn’t really his thing.
I think those complaints are broadly right. There’s a lot in there that doesn’t quite mesh with the rest of the story, and it disturbed some people’s reading experience. To fix some of that, I ended up taking a deep dive into the words I’ve already written to change a few things around:
There are now a few instances of foreshadowing for the bite that indicate earlier that something might be going wrong. This stretches out the “Mizu gets sick” concept so it doesn’t come as much of a shock when it does happen.
Arthur’s anti-venom now includes the bug that bit Mizu.
Most of Arthur and Karbo’s team-up now takes place in a different setting that is much safer, with a similar resolution but one that doesn’t involve Arthur being a big-damn-combat-capable hero or Karbo being particularly careless. To the extent he gets into danger, it’s because he was left in a safe place and took a risk Karbo couldn’t have known about, and has to save him from.
I approached these edits with a lot of respect for the fact that most readers have a lot of hours logged with the story. These edits don’t change any long-term implications for anything, and they are in most cases pretty unobtrusive. If you like the story as-is without any changes at all, you can just keep reading into the future of the Demon World tale-scape without any disturbances at all.
But for those who are bothered by the unforced errors I made in the story, you will find small changes in chapters 35 and 38, plus some larger changes in chapters 43 to 46 that address those issues.
The combo of Royal Road and Patreon is an interesting one. It’s all at once our biggest readerbase and a beta-reading group. You folks reading and giving feedback lets us make changes that improve the experience of everyone who reads this in any format besides daily-serial-releases, and we are really thankful to have that as a resource. We wanted to be really transparent about these changes, so this is that - us making the changes and thanking you for the fuel that made that possible, as well as letting you know they were made so there are no shocks.
Thanks again, and we really appreciate your help.
Comments
Kell Finn
I think the original version was fine, but I also really like the edits, very well done! Especially to the ingredient retrieval mission, Karbo saving the day seems much more in line with the overall themes of the story, and honestly the original version just made him seem irresponsible/overall careless and unconcerned with Arthur's life. Hunting rules also make more sense for the tunnels as opposed to dungeons, having the poison originate from the bug is a great change (though fantasy world 'all poisons are the same/similar' is fine too), and Arthur being caught up in having gotten the elusive bug makes him missing the log despite his wisdom/perception much more sensible. I think the small change in Chapter 38 might be a bit "too much" as it almost makes the wound not just being trivial too obvious, and I feel like it would prevent a fresh reader from fully enjoying the original arc ending of "only feel-good vibes, everything has been fixed and resolved, now just celebration" because they're worried about what's to come. I also think the suddenness of the danger fits in a slice of life world as it's more "realistic," and in modern life you don't get foreshadowing for most serious risks like a cancer diagnosis or a car accident, so I think the suddenness makes it more relatable and impactful. Lastly, I'll also say I like how the change reflects on Mizu's character. In the previous version of the story I feel like she's almost portrayed as hyper-competent and overly flawless, despite allegedly being just a young kid like the rest of the group. Making it so that she didn't get treatment as soon as she should have leading to the poison being worse than it otherwise would have been (likely in part because she wanted to hang out and celebrate with people, and also maybe because she feels uncomfortable asking for help/imposing on others) adds a lot to her characterization and shows she too can make mistakes. I think it also makes her reaction to Arthur going hunting hit harder, as it adds another layer that not only is she upset about him risking himself to try and help her, but now it's also because of her mistake that they're even in a situation where he would want to risk himself.
Nyx
I mean before there was a bit of foreshadowing for the bug considering they literally talk about how some monster burrow under the city walls and how it is a danger and something they keep an eye out for. I believe it was also a worry about Lily living under the walls when the waves happened. So it's not completely out of the blue, but the retcon does at least make it where you have more to read
