thehardtimes posts
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MVP: Nada Surf "Popular"
There is nothing more important than being popular, but the second most important thing is listening to the latest episode of MVP where we discuss the music video for Nada Surf's "Popular" and take all their advice. We still don't have any friends.Watch the music video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAFuD-S-e_E
Hard Digest January 22: Early Access Explosions in the Sky, Rockabilly, Custody, and More
Explosions in the Sky Derides Nation’s Recent Drop in Stirring Sports Movie OutputBy Jason ClemenceAUSTIN, Texas — Members of the instrumental post-rock band Explosions in the Sky condemned Hollywood’s current lack of emotionally resonant sports movies that would be enhanced by a score consisting of the group’s signature musical aesthetic, confirmed sources.“Most of our album and ticket sales come from people who wept like a baby at the end of the OG ‘Friday Night Lights’ film,” said guitarist Mark Smith. “Sure, the movie can...
Hard Digest January 21: Elon, Biden, Early Access Shoegaze, Joint Supplements, United Airlines, and More
People Elon Musk Pays to Be His Friends Ask For Raise Before Agreeing to Defend Nazi SaluteBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — The collection of white dorks that make up Elon Musk’s entourage asked for a significant raise if they are expected to publicly defend their boss from criticism following Musk’s Nazi salute at a Trump inauguration event, multiple sources confirmed.“I’m Elon’s short ‘friend,’ he keeps me around to make himself look taller in photos. A typical day for me is waking up and liking everything Elon posted on X....
Hard Digest January 20: Early Access Disturbed, Instagram, Winter, and More
Disturbed Reveal “Down with the Sickness” Also a Simon and Garfunkel CoverBy Steve PackoskyCHICAGO — Nu-Metal band Disturbed revealed their 2000 hit “Down with the Sickness” was also a Simon and Garfunkel cover much like their 2015 hit “The Sound of Silence,” surprised sources reported.“Yeah, not very many people know that a good 75% of our songs are just covers of old folk songs,” frontman David Draiman provided. “True fans of Simon and Garfunkel will recognize ‘Down with the Sickness’ from a rare collection of B-sides ...
Hard Digest January 19: Melania's Hat, Nazi Salutes, Early Access Milo, Rodents, Stephen Miller, and More
Nazi Saluting Elon Musk Sees Spike in Approval Rating Amongst School ShootersBy Ben FriedmanWASHINGTON — Elon Musk’s double Nazi salute during today’s inauguration parade led to a tidal wave of approval amongst the nation’s potential school shooters, online forums indicated.“It’s been hard dealing with being called an ‘unfuckable incel loser’ by my peers, even after I’ve used their class photos for target practice. But seeing Elon today celebrating the swearing-in of our Daddy in Chief with not one but two Nazi salutes just va...
Hard Digest January 18: Early Access Questlove, Pandemic Albums, and Retirement
Questlove Wonders What He Must Have Done in Past Life to be Forced to Listen to Jimmy Fallon Every Night for Past 15 YearsBy Doug KolicNEW YORK — Ahmir K. Thompson, better known as Questlove from the band The Roots, recently questioned what kind of horrible person he was in a past life to have been forced to work for Jimmy Fallon on “The Tonight Show” for the past 15 years, according to other staff members wondering the same thing.“I know it seems like I’ve got a good thing going here,” a rehearsing Questlove stated before being pus...
Hard Digest January 17: Early Access Opening Bands, David Lynch, Elon Musk, and More
Opening Band Thinks It’s Really Important You Know Their Bass Player’s Name is SteveBy Ed SaincomePORT TOWNSEND, Wash. — Local opening band Eyeball Soup thought it was crucial that the audience know their bassist’s name is Steve, confirmed sources who didn’t know what to do with that information.“As the singer, frontman, and host of the band, I like to make it a point to provide the audience with each member’s name, instrument, and Social Security number so they can get better acquainted with us. Seems to work too because the crow...
Hard Digest January 16: David Lynch, Village People, IDF Soldiers, Early Access Widows, Reservations, J.D. Vance, and More
David Lynch Dead at 78, or in the White Lodge, or Maybe the Whole Thing Is Just a Dream, We’re Not SureBy Dan RiceDavid Lynch, the iconic auteur behind such projects as “Twin Peaks,” “Blue Velvet,” and “Mulholland Drive,” passed away today at the age of 78. Maybe. We think. It’s also possible that he has entered a world just beneath the surface of this world known as “The White Lodge,” or that everything we are witnessing is merely someone’s dream. Gotta be honest we are completely lost on this one.Our office has been in a...
MVP: Aerosmith "Crazy"
If you love bad music then Aerosmith is the band for you. Today we break down the classic video for "Crazy" featuring Alicia Silverstone and an underage Liv Tyler stripping. Not weird at all. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMNgbISmF4I
Hard Digest January 15: Early Access Dipshits, 2026, Childhood Trauma, and More
Dipshit Out on Walk With Headphones Definitely Picturing Self in Opening Scene of MovieBy Joe RumrillWEST HARTFORD, Conn. — Disturbed onlookers rolled their eyes as local bozo Sturgill Lacey clearly envisioned himself in an opening film’s montage due to the music he was listening to, sickened sources confirmed.“I mean, we can’t really hear what he’s listening to in his headphones, but, c’mon, the guy is clearly imagining that he’s the main character of the planet today. Jauntily skipping over puddles, and petting every dog he come...
Hard Digest January 14: Early Access Drummers, Pets, NYPD, and More
Drummer Wants More Creative Input on Where the Band Stops for LunchBy Jeff BenderLAUREL, Miss. — Drummer Keith Reed for the hard rock group Assistant Coach expressed a desire to contribute creatively to the band’s decisions about where they stop for lunch, sources reported.“Usually it’s Tongue [McSwayne], our frontman, who decides where we dine,” said Reed, who also drives the van. “But lately, I don’t know. I’ve been on a creative tear about where we could get lunch. Sometimes I wanna just be like, ‘Hey, how do we all feel ab...
Hard Digest January 13: Early Access Dimmu Borgir, Wahlburgers, Mattresses, and More
Lifelong Fan of Black Metal Still Unsure if Liking Dimmu Borgir Is AcceptableBy Steve PackoskyPHILADELPHIA — Lifelong fan of black metal Karl Donner was reportedly unsure if his fandom of Norwegian stalwarts Dimmu Borgir was acceptable among his peers, sources confirmed.“Yeah man, I’ve been a fan of black metal for as long as I can remember,” Donner mentioned. “It started when I heard Mayhem’s ‘Deathcrush’ EP when I was in middle school, and from there I got really into old Emperor, Darkthrone, and Immortal, and now I’m really...
Hard Digest January 12: Early Access Merch Guys, Ween, Kissinger, and More
Merch Guy Rehearsing Not Making Eye Contact in Venue Bathroom MirrorBy Evan VestSANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Merch guy Darren Byrum for touring band Hung Jury was found rehearsing his lack of eye contact in the bathroom of The Catalyst, confirmed sources who skipped washing their hands to avoid disturbing him.“As a merchandise coordinator, there’s a real fine art when it comes to being unaffected by your customers,” said Byrum. “The busiest time of any night is after the band’s set. The music sells the merch, and it’s extremely important ...
Hard Digest January 11: Early Access Shania Twain, Burger King, Free Spirits, and More
Report: Most Women Gain Hulk-Like Strength Upon Hearing Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman”By Ben FriedmanTORONTO — The University of Toronto announced a breakthrough study that showed playing Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” resulted in women suddenly gaining Hulk-like strength and speed, researchers have confirmed.“We were testing the correlation between music and dopamine activity, and which songs motivated subjects the best while doing physical activity. Well, it turns out playing ‘Man! I Feel Like a Woman...
Hard Digest January 10: Early Access Steve Aoki, Jimmy Fallon, BDSM, and More
Local Baker Watches in Horror as Steve Aoki Throws Cake They Worked on For Hours at InfluencerBy Evan VestLAS VEGAS — Local baker Phillip Throgmorton watched in horror as a beautiful cake he had worked on for hours was carelessly thrown into the face of a popular influencer by renown DJ Steve Aoki, sources close to the incident report.“I just can’t believe I worked three hours on that masterpiece,” said a devastated Throgmorton, who was standing outside of Omnia Nightclub in Caesars Palace. “When I received the order, I had figured it...
Hard Digest January 9: Wildfires, Early Access Vegans, Radiohead, Hippies, and More
Biden Takes Immediate Action On Los Angeles Wildfires By Sending New Weapons Package to IsraelBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — President Biden launched into immediate action to supply federal aid to the raging Los Angeles wildfire by sending a new $5 billion weapons package to Israel.“Listen Jack, what’s happening in the beautiful city of Los Angeles right now is devastating. I remember the first time I visited LA. I was 26 and I met this really cool cat named Charlie down by the PCH but that’s a story for a different day. We need to...
MVP: Billy Idol "White Wedding"
It's a nice day for a new podcast. This week we cover the "classic" Billy Idol video "White Wedding" that has so much going on that it actually has nothing going on. Listen with your family.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAZQaYKZMTI
Hard Digest January 8: Early Access Eminem CDs, Billy Joel, Audiophiles, and More
Aging Millennial Instinctively Still Hides Eminem CDs From ParentsBy Tim SheardPONCA CITY, Okla. — Local 36-year-old Shane McThomason recently admitted he still instinctively hides his Eminem CDs whenever his parents visit him, confirmed sources who impulsively did the same.“‘The Marshall Mathers LP’ is the first of many Eminem CDs that I shove in the back of my personal safe whenever mom and dad stop by,” said McThomason while clearing his Spotify search history in case his parents check. “I just can’t risk having them hear Emine...
Hard Digest January 7: Early Access Weezer, Therapy, Selling Souls, and More
Dad Catches Daughter and Boyfriend in Back Seat of Car Listening to Weezer’s “Raditude”By Matt OrienteCHICAGO — Local dad Patrick Larken caught his oldest daughter in the backseat of her boyfriend’s fogged-up Toyota Corolla singing along to Weezer’s seventh studio album “Raditude,” confirmed sources.“I suspected something was going on for a while now,” said Larken, father of three and an early Weezer fan. “The first time we officially met, he was wearing a Van Weezer-era t-shirt. It was just such an offensive thing to wear...
Hard Digest January 6: Early Access Crust Punks, Midnight Trains, Metal Shirts, and More
Residents of Crust Punk House Completely Unaware They’ve Been Transported to the Cenobite DimensionBy Steve PackoskyTHE LABYRINTH — Residents of a crust punk house were seemingly unaware that they were inhabiting the Cenobite dimension, terrified sources confirmed.“I woke up around noon, which is early for me,” resident Jason Thifton said as he absent-mindedly walked down a long, cobweb-laden corridor littered with severed body parts and bloody chains. “I would’ve kept on sleeping, but there was this naked guy on the floor in my bed...
Hard Digest January 5: Early Access CIA, Billy Corgan, Hydration, and More
CIA Installs New Frontman When Punk Band Becomes Too PoliticalBy Dan KozuhWASHINGTON — Frontman Abha Alvarez of punk band Kissinger’s Prostate disappeared suddenly and was replaced with unknown musician Holden Everett mid-tour after Alvarez performed a new song “Red, White, and Profit” targeting American imperialism, leading some to suspect CIA involvement, fans of the band report.“Abha did this song about how American democracy is just another form of feudalism. We knew that our music was rubbing some powerful people the wrong way, t...
Hard Digest January 4: Early Access Dee Snider, Divorce, Drone Metal, and More
Dee Snider Celebrates 40 Years of Inexplicably Being Seen as Some Sort of Metal IconBy Tim SheardNEW YORK — Metal frontman and former singer of Twisted Sister Dee Snider celebrated four decades of being seen as a metal icon for no discernible reason, sources confirmed.“Ever since I testified before the Parents Music Resource Center in 1985, I’ve taken the metal world completely by storm,” Snider reported. “I love that there’s rarely a documentary or book about metal music that doesn’t have me expressing my opinion in some shape or...
Hard Digest January 3: Early Access Henry Rollins, Hometowns, Vape Mechanics, and More
Bored Henry Rollins Hires Guy Off TaskRabbit to Interview Him for a Few HoursBy James KnappNASHVILLE, Tenn. — Continuous go-getter Henry Rollins recently employed the services of a TaskRabbit professional to ask him questions about his varied projects and interests in order to kill a few spare hours on a rainy Thursday, well-spoken sources confirmed.“I’m always the most comfortable when I’m working — but sometimes if the work isn’t there, you have to create the work for yourself,” began Rollins while researching how to test for a ...
Hard Digest January 2: Early Access Opening Bands, BBQ Chex Mix, Sober Influencers, and More
Local Punk Scene Thrown Into Turmoil After Opening Band Leaves Right After Playing Their SetBy Matt OrienteBLUE ISLAND, Ill. – Opening band Abridged Aversion left the local punk scene in a tailspin when they immediately departed following their 15-minute set instead of sticking around to support the other bands on the bill, outraged sources confirmed.“Look, we put them on the bill because they’ve only played one or two shows ever,” said Gus Halfuller, guitarist for headlining band Daycap. “Because of that, they bring in a decent crowd...
MVP: Fatboy Slim "Weapon of Choice"
New Year, same podcast. This week Bill and Dan break down a classic video for an extremely forgettable song. Try to remember the melody of this song, we guarantee you can't. Listen now.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCDIYvFmgW8
Hard Digest January 1: Early Access Black Metal, Dark Side of the Moon, AC/DC, and More
Black Metal Band Therapist Suggests Series of Team-Building Church Burning ActivitiesBy Steve PackoskyOSLO, Norway — Black metal band Frossen Ensomhet undertook a series of team-building church burning activities at the behest of their band therapist, sources report.“This will play an integral role in getting the band back to the cohesive, effective unit that they used to be,” therapist Sonya Jensen provided. “They had come to me complaining about their recent inability to reach common ground with their songwriting, so I suggested incor...
Hard Digest December 31: Early Access Ball Drop, Puppeteers, Band Recommendations, and More
Chaos in Times Square as Millions of Baby Spiders Hatch From NYE BallBy Ben FriedmanNEW YORK — Chaos and panic overwhelmed Times Square after the famous New Year’s Eve ball unexpectedly hatched causing revelers to be showered with millions of spiders, sources at the scene have confirmed.“This black, ambiguous mass emerged from the ball like some kind of Eldritch horror and we all thought it was some kind of mixed reality advertisement for something dumb like body wash. But no, it was six million fucking banana spiders from the depths of h...
Hard Digest December 30: Jimmy Carter, Early Access Clown, Frank Zappa, New Year's Losers, and More
Car Racing, Prostitutes, and Mountains of Cocaine: A Breakdown of Jimmy Carter’s Final DaysBy Dan RiceToday the world continues to mourn Jimmy Carter, former U.S. President, Nobel Prize recipient and noted humanitarian, who died yesterday at the age of 100. He leaves behind a legacy of exemplary statesmanship, charity, and goodwill. Police are still trying to piece together the torrid, complicated, high-octane series of events that led to his tragic death when the mega yacht he had stolen exploded, along with an estimated 2.6 billion dollars ...
Hard Digest December 29: Early Access Red Hot Chili Peppers, Disarming With A Smile, and Tony Hawk
Elderly Man Falls for Old “Red Hot Chili Peppers CD Stuffed into a Flaming Bag at Front Door” GagBy Chris BowenALBION, N.Y. — Local curmudgeon Hadwin McKlusky fell victim to a vicious prank played by neighborhood kids in which they placed a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD into a bag and set it ablaze on his front porch, annoyed sources report.“I was trying to have a nice relaxing night commenting ‘Trump for Emperor’ on Facebook posts when I heard my doorbell. I was already pissed I had to put pants on to answer the door, then the ball of f...
Hard Digest December 28: Early Access Dave Mustaine, Gender Equity, Body Wash, and More
Dave Mustaine Starts Second, Rival Retirement Organization After Being Kicked Out of AARPBy Steve PackoskyLA MESA, Calif. — Prolific thrash metal frontman Dave Mustaine started a rival retirement organization after being removed from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), sources report.“I didn’t do anything to deserve this, but it’s definitely not over,” Mustaine said. “If the suits over at AARP think they’ve seen the last of me, they are sorely mistaken. Everybody knows Megadeth is the biggest and most well-known th...
