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Hard Digest March 16: St. Patrick's Day Primer and More
Image of Shane MacGowan Appears in Pile of Guinness-Induced VomitBy Chris BowenLOWELL, Mass. — Local boozehound Dennis McLaughlin was divinely inspired to continue to drink to the point of incoherence after witnessing an image of former Pogues singer Shane MacGowan in his pile of puke after drinking Guinness for 7 straight hours, sad pasty sources report.“I felt like I had nothing left to live for or spew up by 2 p.m., that’s how lost I was feeling. But when I looked down at the dark black, fizzing pile of my last barf session and saw Sha...
Hard Digest March 15: Early Access Battle Rappers, Bon Iver, and LARPers
Battle Rapper Shocked to Learn Mom Slept With So Many of His CompetitorsBy Doug KolicATLANTA — Local battle rapper Slim Todd Paulson was apparently surprised that so many of his opponents in a recent competition slept with his mother, according to nearby sources questioning his mental faculties.“That revelation did throw me off my game a little bit,” admitted Paulson. “When the first guy mentioned her riding his ‘disco stick,’ I thought it must have been a case of mistaken identity because I don’t ever remember her showing interes...
Want some free movie tickets this weekend?
Through our partnership with Sumerian records we're giving Hard Times and Hard Drive Patrons two free tickets to see the new indie wrestling film Queen of the Ring in theaters.Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXBbdsWsJM0Just select the theater, date, and time using the link below, and fill out the format the bottom of this post. We'll respond with your tickets, which you can redeem at the theater for that showing.To ensure we have time to process your tickets, we recommend choosing a showing at least one day after your submit th...
Hard Digest March 14: Early Access The Boss, Tom Waits, Baby Hitler, and More
Bruce Springsteen’s Grandkids Exhausted After Lullaby Last Four Hours, Two EncoresBy Nathan KamalCOLTS NECK, N.J. — The grandchildren of legendary musical artist Bruce Springsteen are reportedly exhausted after being serenaded with a soul-scorching series of lullabies that made them believe in the power of rock and roll but also just want to fucking sleep, confirmed sources.“I love Grandpa, even though he makes us call him The Boss,” Wendy Springsteen, 7, said while yawning heavily. “He has all these funny stories about growing up in ...
Hard Digest March 13: Skinny Jeans, TouchTunes, Bluesky, and More
“These Aren’t Your Dad’s Skinny Jeans” Claims Advertisement That Doesn’t Know What the Fuck It’s Talking AboutBy Tim MehewNEW YORK — Local ad agency Brunch Menu launched a new advertising campaign that simply read, “These aren’t your dad’s skinny jeans,” confusing every onlooker who was unfortunate to be within eyesight of it, confirmed sources who were less inclined to buy the product after seeing it.“Skinny jeans are back and they’re not for people who listened to indie sleaze or emo in the mid-2000s who now have thr...
MVP: Beastie Boys "Intergalactic"
It's robots versus weird sea creatures this week on MVP because we are breaking down another classic music video. This time we tell you everything you've ever needed to know about "Intergalactic" so you can be interesting at the next party you are invited to.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qORYO0atB6g
Hard Digest March 12: Early Access Neil Armstrong, Gene Hackman, Noise Fests, and More
New Conspiracy Theory Suggests Neil Armstrong Faked Orgasm During Moon LandingBy Matt HusserHOUSTON — Conspiracy theorist Giovanni Holland took to YouTube today to reveal a new theory alleging Neil Armstrong faked his infamous orgasm during the 1969 Apollo Moon Landing, sources confirmed.“The story that the deep state has been feeding us for years claims that Neil Armstrong’s first orgasm on the moon wasn’t just one small nut for man, but one giant skeet for all mankind—But what if I told you that I have smoking gun evidence that prov...
Hard Digest March 11: Early Access Thrash Metal, HomeGoods, and Birth Rates
Thrash Metal Fan Listens to Doom Metal Records at 78 RPMBy Ryan DonderoOAKLAND, Calif. — Local thrash metal fan Zack Holloway reportedly plays doom metal records at 78 RPM in a desperate attempt to make them sound like his music genre of choice, sources confirmed.“I can only assume this is how doom metal is supposed to be played,” said Holloway. “Sure, the vocalists sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks at this speed, but what do you do when you’ve burned through every thrash metal recording ever made—multiple times? You make thrash wh...
Hard Digest March 10: Early Access Death Metal Logos, Tarantulas, and Abbott Elementary
Death Metal Band Debuts New Logo After Bassist Takes Photo of Cooked Spaghetti He Spilled on the FloorBy Jason ClemenceTAMPA, Fla. — Local death metal band Sinister Descent unveiled a brand new logo after bassist Saul Cohen had the presence of mind to photograph a pile of spaghetti he dropped on the floor while transferring it from a colander to his plate, unreasonably excited sources confirmed.“Our last logo was just a little too legible,” said Cohen as he picked some hairs out of the pasta before smothering it in room-temperature tomato...
Hard Digest March 9: Early Access Iron Maiden, Square Dancing, Wheelchair Ramps, and More
Iron Maiden Writes Song About the British Credit Crisis of 1772 After Realizing They’ve Already Covered Every Other Topic in Human HistoryBy Steve PackoskyLONDON — Legendary British metal band Iron Maiden found themselves writing a song about the British Credit Crisis of 1772 after discovering they had already covered every other topic in human history, sources report.“I went into the studio excited to write a song about ancient Egypt, but we apparently already did that decades ago,” said frontman Bruce Dickinson. “I went to my backup...
Hard Digest March 8: Early Access Stevie Nicks, Natalie Portman, Dive Bars, and More
30 Injured at Stevie Nicks Concert in Twirling Session Gone WrongBy Patrick CrooksATLANTA — Authorities were called to the State Farm Arena this evening to respond to what eyewitnesses report as a twirling session at a Stevie Nicks concert that went “horribly wrong” and left at least 30 people with a range of injuries, confirmed sources who haven’t been able to listen to “Rumors” since.“At this time none of the injuries appear to be life threatening,” said Gloria Bernice, a spokesperson for the Atlanta Fire Department. “We’r...
Hard Digest March 7: SpaceX, Early Access Growing Up, Mistakes, Mel Gibson, and More
SpaceX Announces Plans to Stop Putting Teachers On Their SpaceshipsBy Maksym LaRoucheBROWNSVILLE, Texas — SpaceX announced they will no longer be allowing school teachers on their spaceships following the second explosion of a Starship mega rocket last night, sources confirmed.“We’ve looked at everything you can look at: debris, schematics, calculations, but there seems to only be one common factor amongst all the crashes, and that is they’ve all had high school teachers on board at the time of the crash,” said Douglas McIntyre, lead ...
Hard Digest March 6: Early Access Dads, Kids, Venue Disasters, and More
Kid Shocked by How Much Dad Cries in the Bathroom on Take Your Child to Work DayBy Ryan DanleyCHICAGO — Local 10-year-old Jake Marshall got a surprising glimpse into adulthood during Take Your Child to Work Day when he discovered that his father, Greg Marshall, spends an alarming amount of time sobbing in the office bathroom, confirmed sources who thought it was about time he learned some hard truths.“I thought grown-ups just, like, worked and drank coffee, but Dad’s in the bathroom more than he’s at his desk. He says he’s ‘answerin...
MVP: Green Day "Basket Case"
Today we once again take a trip to 1994, which we have established is the best year on record for music, to break down the classic video for Green Day's "Basket Case." The band were labeled sell outs for signing to a major label and disbanded shortly after making this video.
Hard Digest March 5: Early Access Festival Posters, Siskel & Ebert, Trump, and More
Man Caught Lying to Blind Date About His Band’s Font Size on Festival PosterBy Ben FriedmanHUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Frontman Dale Leinert humiliated himself after his blind date discovered the font size of his band on a local festival poster was nowhere near as big as he told her, sources close to the band have confirmed.“No, no, no. See, what she needs to realize is the size of a band’s billing varies by what kind of paper the promoters use and if you’re looking at the flyer on your phone. I mean, is there really that much of a dif...
Hard Digest March 4: Early Access Shows, Chippendales, Trump, and More
Beautiful: Band and Audience Connect Over Desire for Gig to Be OverBy Frederick O'BrienPLANO, Texas — An incredible meeting of souls occurred last night as Christian punk band The Chastity Pistols and their audience forged a bond over their desperate need for the performance to end, confirmed sources who had better things to do.“It was the kind of thing you think only happens to other people,” said showgoer Shenade Moore. “We were just like totally simpatico. The lack of energy in the room was incredible. We all felt it. Too often i...
Hard Digest March 3: Early Access Black Flag Vocalists, Mad Max, Trad Wives, and More
Man’s Party Trick Successfully Listing All Black Flag Vocalists in OrderBy Mimi KennyBOSTON — Local scene veteran Randy Ragnar amazed attendees at a house party with his seamless recitation of all five lead vocalists of Black Flag, several sources with the same parole officer reported.“We were celebrating finding out that whatever my buddy Horst had wasn’t scabies,” Ragnar said. “Just when it seemed like things were winding down, I got everyone’s attention and just said ‘Keith Morris, Ron Reyes, Dez Cadena, Henry Rollins, Mike V...
Hard Digest March 2: Early Access Metalheads, Canada, and Democrats
Highly Recruited High School Metalhead Considering Offers From Multiple Local Pizza ShopsBy The Hard Times StaffSAN ANTONIO — Local metalhead Spencer Leggieri is reportedly being scouted by multiple pizza shops across the city in hopes of securing his talent as a full-time employee after graduation, excited sources confirmed.“The past few weeks have been overwhelming. Recruiters are calling me, sending me letters, and assistant managers are coming to my house to try to convince me to commit to working for them in the fall. And these aren’...
Hard Digest March 1: Early Access Anthony Green, Alice In Chains, and Oscar Coverage
Anthony Green Assures Bandmates He “Can Quit Anytime He Wants” After Getting Caught Forming Three More SupergroupsBy Scott MurrayPHILADELPHIA — Singer Anthony Green, best known as the lead vocalist of Saosin, Circa Survive, The Sound of Animals Fighting, L.S. Dunes, and too many others, was reportedly caught forming three additional supergroups behind bandmates’ backs, despite telling them he can stop if needed, confirmed concerned sources.“I don’t have a problem forming new bands, I can quit anytime I want,” said Green, half-shee...
Hard Digest February 28: Economic Blackout, Early Access Sigur Rós, Love Bombing, Vid Kid, and More
Crust Punk Promises to Only Use Parents’ Credit Card for Essentials During Economic BlackoutBy The Hard Times StaffPROVIDENCE, R.I — Local crust punk Phil “Sponge” Baker is planning on participating in today’s economic blackout by vowing to only use his parents’ credit card for essential purchases, itchy sources confirmed.“Thankfully, I made sure to plan ahead. I filled up my car with gas and did a massive Whole Foods run last night. I installed a secret refrigerator in my closet so everything can be safely stored in there while I...
Hard Digest February 27: Early Access One Hit Wonders, Sapiosexual, Wet Food, and More
“One-Hit Wonder” Artist Sorry They Only Produced One Timeless Masterpiece Everyone LovesBy Matt HusserNEW YORK — Local one-hit wonder band Owl Tempest reportedly apologized today for failing their fans after only being able to produce one timeless masterpiece everyone adores, sources confirmed.“When we wrote our hit song ‘Free Falling on a Broken Wing,’ we were just four kids in a garage pouring our hearts into our music, and through some miracle it resonated with complete strangers so much that it became the soundtrack to countless...
MVP: Journey "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)"
This week on MVP Bill and Dan break down one of the most infamous music videos of all time. Grab your air keyboard and settle in for a complete breakdown of the "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" music video.Watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LatorN4P9aA
Hard Digest February 26: Early Access Live Shows, Shy Guys, Brothers, and More
Devastating: Band Still Has a Couple More Songs for YouBy Frederick O'BrienCHICAGO — Local shoegaze band The Distant Star announced that they were intending to perform a couple more songs, ruining the nights of dozens of audience members, confirmed sources who checked the time several times since.“You’ve been such an incredible audience, thank you so much for coming,” said frontman Barry Blazer without a hint of irony. “It means the world to us you being here, to be able to look out and see so many familiar faces. Friends, family ...
Hard Digest February 25: Early Access Lisa Loeb, Wokeness, Undying Love, and More
Lisa Loeb Wins Local Record Store’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” Award For 29th Year in a RowBy The Hard Times StaffLAWRENCE, Kan. — Employees of independent record store Tables Turned announced their coveted “Sexiest Woman Alive” award went to Lisa Loeb for the 29th consecutive year, excited sources confirmed.“We asked all our employees and regular customers to give us a list of all the women that they think should be considered and when we tallied everything up it was 17 votes for Lisa, and two votes for Fiona Apple,” said Tables Tur...
Hard Digest February 24: Early Access Battle of the Bands, Rosie, Circle Pits, and More
Battle of the Bands Ends in Fragile Ceasefire AgreementBy Matt OrienteBLUE ISLAND, Ill. — A ceasefire has been reached after tense backstage negotiations at this weekend’s Battle of the Bands, confirmed relieved sources.“As fragile and temporary as it may end up being, all the bands agreed to stop with onstage verbal attacks, which is a great first step,” explained event promoter Lou Esparza. “We’ll see what else comes of it but I just know we can’t go on like this. At the last Battle of the Bands, someone pulled the fire alarm as...
Hard Digest February 23: Early Access Holy Diver, Competency, Emotional Support Dogs, and More
Priest on “Holy Diver” Album Cover Probably Deserved ItBy Steve PackoskyCANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest depicted being whipped by a giant demon probably deserved what was happening to him, sources report.“Yeah, I emerged from Hell with a whole planned agenda to take over the world,” the demon offered. “I didn’t even have a set strategy of punishing members of the Catholic Church, but when I saw the clergyman I instinctively hit him wi...
Hard Digest February 22: Early Access Kirk Hammett, Godsmack, and Anarchists
Kirk Hammett Officially Announced as Metallica’s Lead Guitarist After Successful Completion of 42-Year Probationary PeriodBy Steve PackoskySAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42-year probationary period, sources confirmed.“I thought this day would never come,” Hammett commented. “I’ve been waiting for this announcement every day since I was 20 years old. Honestly, I’ve been a little worried ever since James and Lars to...
Hard Digest February 21: Elon, Early Access Kanye, David Lynch, DOGE, and More
From “The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy” to “The Hedge Trimmer of My Kids Speaking to Me,” We Ranked Every Tool in Elon’s ShedBy Dan RiceYesterday, Tesla CEO and current Trump BFF Elon Musk wowed the Nazi-sympathizing crowd at CPAC by unveiling The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy, a legendary weapon that allows him to turn millions in budget slashing into billions with a single unfounded lie. While the mere existence of such a magical tool came as a shock to many, those in Musk’s inner circle know it is but one of many enchanted artifacts he’s ...
Hard Digest February 20: Early Access Steely Dan, BAC, Coke Dick, and More
Man Who Spent 40 Minutes Talking About Steely Dan on First Date Confident It Went GreatBy Ryan DonderoDALLAS — Local man Dave Hensley is confident that his first date with Rachel Caldwell went well, despite talking about his favorite band, Steely Dan, for approximately 40 minutes, skeptical sources confirmed.“I really don’t think it could have gone any better,” said the clueless Hensley. “Her interest in Steely Dan was so intense that she barely said a word the entire date! Rachel was so generous with our time together that I was able...
MVP: Megadeth "Sweating Bullets"
Grab your favorite Dave Mustaine clone and settle in for a brand new episode of MVP where Bill and Dan discuss everything you need to know about sweating bullets, like how Dave Mustaine has a black belt in taekwondo.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOnKCcjP8Qs
