thehardtimes posts
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Hard Digest February 19: Katy Perry, Eric Clapton, Vets, and More
Democrats Announce Bold Plan to Resist Trump Policies by Playing Katy Perry’s “Roar” Really LoudBy Reuben BlanchardWASHINGTON — Democratic leadership announced their plans to play the 2013 Katy Perry song “Roar” very loud in response to the aggressive start of President Donald Trump’s second term, confirmed sources rubbing their temples and squinting.“We spent a lot of time and the majority of our 2025 budget on getting the proper licensing of this track,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “And the most common respo...
Hard Digest February 18: Early Access Jello Biafra, Mandela Effect, Jukeboxes, and More
Punk Really Needs You to Understand He Hates Hippies in a Jello Biafra Sort of Way, Not a Ronald Reagan Sort of WayBy Noah DominguezBERKELEY, Calif. — Local punk Charles “Chuck” McCoy is adamant that everyone knows his hatred for hippies stems from a left-wing ideology, rather than a conservative one, confirmed sources who already get it and wish he would talk about something else.“The hippies are the biggest sellouts who ever lived. They preached peace, love, and sticking it to the man. Then, they became the man!” said McCoy. “It...
Hard Digest February 17: Early Acess Tool, Counting Crows, Noise, and More
Jehovah’s Witness and Tool Fan Spend All Night Trying to Convert Each OtherBy Tyler RolandJEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their faith and fandom, exhausted sources verified.“So this weirdo shows up at my house, right as I’m writing this overdue community college assignment about Maynard James Keenan’s masterful use of metaphor in ‘The Pot,’” Schmidt explained. “The guy’s trying to get me to see the light, but let’s just say my light shone...
Hard Digest February 16: Early Access Decisions, Adulting, Photography, and More
Dad Must Make Heart-Wrenching Decision Between Deleting Family Pictures or Drum Samples Off Hard DriveBy Jose BalderasFULLERTON, Calif. — New dad and aspiring musician Gerry Malnati was forced to decide whether to delete pictures from previous vacations and gatherings with family or drum sample libraries from his hard drive to make space for a new Mac OS update, confirmed sources.“It’s like a modern day Sophie’s choice,” said Malnati while rubbing his temples. “Once my wife asks to upload a few SD cards from our last trip to Knott...
Hard Digest February 14: Early Access Red Hot Chili Peppers, Drake, Trump, and More
Punk Awakes in Cold Sweat With Realization That LA Wildfires Might Inspire Red Hot Chili Peppers to Write New MusicBy Trevor GrahamLOS ANGELES — Local punk Corey Lambert awoke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after realizing that the devastating Los Angeles wildfires could inspire Red Hot Chili Peppers to make new music, sources who ringa-dinga-donged the donga-dong-bing-bong confirmed.“Oh God, could it be true? Could the fires that devastated so much of LA prompt them to come back and do some sort of tribute song about California...
Hard Digest February 13: Early Access Valentine's Day and More
Crust Punk Plans Romantic Valentine’s Day for Partner with Trail of Loose Cigarettes Leading to Dirty MattressBy Ben FriedmanNEW YORK — Local crustie Joel McCaffrey was seen excitedly planning a romantic Valentine’s Day evening for his partner by leaving a trail of loose cigarettes from their front door leading to their dirty floor mattress, neighbors have confirmed.“Normally we don’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day because it’s a scam holiday perpetrated by corporations and restaurants with dress codes, but Kelly and I have been toge...
MVP: Sonic Youth "Dirty Boots"
Young love, is there anything better? This week, Bill and Dan break down the video for Sonic Youth's "Dirty Boots" and go over everything from ticket prices to stage diving technique. The perfect listen for you and that special person in your life this Valentine's Day.
Hard Digest February 12: Early Access Anxiety, Death Grips, Frontmen, and More
Man’s Debilitating Social Anxiety Mistaken for Cool IndifferenceBy The Hard Times StaffNEW BEDFORD, Mass. — Friends and family of local man Rick Winston marveled at his nonchalant attitude about attending highly anticipated social events without realizing it’s actually due to severe social anxiety, sources confirmed.“Rick is the man. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. While everyone else is out partying, creating memories that will last a lifetime, and expanding their social circle, he just stays at home and works on jigsaw puzzle...
Hard Digest February 11: Early Access Interpol, Danzig, Bravery, and More
Interpol Announces Plans to Take Off SunglassesBy Peyton CabralNEW YORK — Perennially vogue indie group Interpol announced plans to finally remove their sunglasses after 28 years, confirmed sources who finally just got used to their slick on-stage look.“For decades we’ve been a band with an impeccable fashion sense, so we figured it was about time to reveal our eyeballs to our fans,” said lead singer Paul Banks while putting on his “around the house” suit vest. “Besides, I haven’t been able to see a goddamn thing on stage since ...
Hard Digest February 10: Chappell Roan, Early Access Lars Ulrich, Rodney Mullen, Reddit Comments, and More
Chappell Roan Wakes up With Pink Pony Head in Bed After Criticizing Record IndustryBy Tom ScarcellaLOS ANGELES — Popstar Chappell Roan woke up to discover the severed and pink-painted head of a pony in her bed yesterday, seemingly a threatening response to her Grammys speech criticizing the record industry, sources confirmed.“There I was, sleeping soundly, and I woke up like, ‘Bitch, what the fuck is this?!’ At first I thought it was a prop from a music video, then I saw the blood and realized this was a message from record industry scu...
Hard Digest February 10: Super Bowl Stuff, Early Access Miss Murder, Lexapro, and Christmas Music
Miss Murder Now Mrs. Murder-Harrison Following Marriage to Local RestaurateurBy Mimi KennySTOCKTON, Calif. — Local California woman and artistic muse Vanessa Murder, better known as “Miss Murder” from the AFI song of the same name, had changed her name to Mrs. Murder-Harrison, following her recent marriage to Adrian Harrison, proprietor of several restaurants in the area, confirmed sources who regularly post on the Ultimate-Guitar message board.“I was into that whole ‘emo’ thing back in the day,” Murder-Harrison said. “And it’...
Hard Digest February 8: Early Access Guns, Monster Energy, Kendrick, and More
Texas Republicans Introduce Bill Requiring Parental Advisory Stickers on All Guns Sold to MinorsBy Tim SheardAUSTIN, Texas — GOP lawmakers from the Lone Star State introduced a bill requiring parental advisory stickers be placed on all guns that end up in the hands of minors, sources report.“This is our way of letting the public know that we hear your repeated calls to address the concerning cases of gun violence in the great state of Texas,” House Republican Jared Patterson said. “We all remember how effective parental advisory sticker...
Hard Digest February 7: Kanye, DOGE, Early Access Hüsker Dü, Meth, Elon Musk, and More
Kanye Announces New Album “Austrian Art School Dropout”By Matt HusserLOS ANGELES — Kanye West followed up a Nazi-glorifying rant on ‘X’ today by announcing the surprise release of his newest studio album “Austrian Art School Dropout,” sources confirmed.“'Austrian Art School Dropout’ is a concept album about a misunderstood genius living in Austria in 1907, and the sinister Illuminati forces that conspired to keep him out of art school but ultimately couldn’t keep his greatness down—and that young genius’ name? Yedolf...
Hard Digest February 6: Hush Money, Early Access Work Ethic, Gen Alpha, "Youthanasia," and More
Trump Consults Legal Team to Figure Out Hush Money Payments After Fucking NationBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — President Donald Trump met with his team of lawyers to discuss potential hush money payments to 335 million citizens after another round of fucking America raw, sources confirmed.“I want to make it clear that the nation begged for this. I was elected in a landslide, no president has ever had as many votes as me. It was almost a perfect score, perfect votes, the voting was perfect. Most of these people should actually be paying...
MVP" My Chemical Romance "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"
Have you ever felt.... like listening to a podcast about the My Chemical Romance video for "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"? Well, good news. Because that's exactly the music video we break down on this week's episode of MVP. Tell a friend.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhZTNgAs4Fc
Hard Digest February 5: Early Access Bono, Shrinkflation, Record Scratches, and More
LA Fire Devastation Officially Reaches Bono Tribute Song LevelBy Doug KolicLOS ANGELES — U2 frontman Bono announced that the wildfires in California have devastated enough property and ruined a sufficient amount of lives for him to officialy write a tribute song, distraught sources confirmed.“Good news, brothers and sisters of the City of Angels, your pain and suffering has officially inspired me,” shouted Bono through a bullhorn to a crowd of displaced residents. “I want you to know that your tears are not in vain, and the reward for y...
Hard Digest February 4: Early Access Friends, Rocky Horror, Thrash, and More
Friend Says You Can Have All Their Worthless Shit if They DieBy Tim GrahamEAST PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Kevin Wright announced plans to leave all of his worldly possessions to his best friend should he die, according to relieved members of their friend group who dodged that bullet.“I guess I’m supposed to feel honored?” said Steven Coehlo, Wright’s beneficiary. “But I know what kind of stuff he has and I don’t have any interest. I’m stressing out thinking about having to donate, sell or throw away all of his dumb garbage. He...
Hard Digest February 3: Early Access KISS, Cults, Merch, and More
KISS Releases Signature Brand of Tepid, Uninspired, Derivative, Bland CoffeeBy Steve PackoskyLAS VEGAS — Notable classic rock band and purveyor of merchandise KISS released a signature brand of coffee whose taste is closely aligned with their mundane musical output, bored and unimpressed sources report.“Our new line of ‘I Was Made for Lovin’ Brew’ signature coffee has a taste that will affect you the exact same way our music does,” KISS frontman Gene Simmons said while relaxing in his unspeakably lavish Las Vegas mansion. “It’s ...
Hard Digest February 2: Early Acess VFW Shows, Food, Discogs, and More
VFW Has Emergency Fish Fry in Order to Rid It of Stench from Weekend Punk ShowBy Chris BowenUTICA, N.Y. — VFW Post 226 held an emergency fish fry in an attempt to relieve it from the stench that lingered from the punk show held the previous weekend, dry heaving sources report.“It was awful, and I knew we had to act fast. The smells of B.O. and five bands worth of vocalist’s halitosis were permanently sinking into the walls and floors very quickly,” Post 226 Commander Donald Sperger explained. “The usual patrons are used to the comfort...
Hard Digest February 1: Early Access Black Metal, Flogging Molly, and Aging
Black Metal Band Maintains Their Dark Atmosphere While Playing Sparsely Populated Bowling AlleyBy Chris BowenCAMILLUS, N.Y. — Local black metal band Bügnorkvlt shrouded a crowd with their evil, mystifying atmosphere, despite playing at a barely attended bowling alley, corpse-painted sources report.“Being one of the only seven people there to watch them play their set, I must say I was impressed at how well they pulled it off,” show attendee Jill Crossgrove explained. “I felt like I was fully immersed in the cold, dark atmosphere they w...
Hard Digest January 31: Early Access Reign in Blood, Ohio, David Lynch, and More
Middle-Aged Metal Fan Prepares Elaborate Story for Record Store Clerk About Why He’s Just Now Purchasing “Reign in Blood”By Jason ClemenceSYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 46-year-old metalhead Rich Dresden nervously concocted a complex narrative to explain to the clerk at Urgent Breakdown Records why he was only now purchasing a physical copy of Slayer’s classic 1986 album “Reign in Blood,” disinterested sources confirmed.“I used to have a cassette copy that I dubbed from my buddy’s CD in 10th grade,” Dresden muttered in preparation a...
Hard Digest January 30: Early Access Chrysler Building, Metal Shirts, Zyn, and More
Chrysler Building Admits It Would Have Been Nice to Have Been Thought of as Possible Target on 9/11By Doug KolicNEW YORK — The Chrysler Building was recently overheard complaining that it wasn’t one of the buildings targeted by terrorists on 9/11, a close source with knowledge alleged.“As a born and raised Manhattanite, I obviously love this place,” stated the aging Art Deco style building. “But if those terrorists wanted to give this city a real gut punch, why didn’t they target what used to be the tallest building in the world, sp...
MVP: Bone Thugs-n-Harmony "Tha Crossroads"
Today Bill and Dan break down the video that reminds you that death comes for us all and Bone Thugs-n-Harmony are really good rap artists. Join us at the crossroads because we are so very lonely. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMYAEHE2GrM
Hard Digest January 29: Early Access Sober Apps, Radiohead, Fingerboarding, and More
Sober App Not Mad, Just DisappointedBy Dom TurekRIVERSIDE, Calif. — Just days away from completing his dry January goal, local abstainer Adam Cowell gave in to mounting temptation and crushed a 30-rack this weekend, according to his dismayed sober app, who wasn’t angry, but very disappointed by the incident.“It’s my fault for getting my hopes up,” said Refocus, a sobriety-tracking and support app for people who want to build healthier drinking habits by quitting completely or cutting back on consumption. “He’s done this to me befo...
Hard Digest January 28: Early Access Toilet Paper, Adrenaline Junkies, Biker Gangs, and More
Venue Physicists Discover Toilet Paper Thinner Than a Photon of LightBy Rob RyderOSLO, Norway — Physicists at the Goering Institute of Hardcore Physics recently discovered a new form of toilet paper thinner than a photon of light, confirmed side-eying sources.“Many previously suspected that there was no physical matter that exists below the dimensions of a photon of light, but here today, we have proven this wrong,” said Werner Schäfer, lead physicist at the Goering Institute. “It was by accident we stumbled upon the discovery. We were...
Hard Digest January 27: Early Access Makeup Sex, the Cryptkeeper, Mocktails, and More
Band Fight Leads to Band Makeup SexBy Cory CousinsCHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local stoner rockers Dust Buster’s recent argument that devolved into screaming and name-calling ultimately led to hot, steamy, erotic makeup sex, staff for the practice facility confirm.“If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times. Never leave practice angry,” mused Dust Buster guitarist Greg Jenkins. “I’m not gonna lie, practice got out of hand with all of the petty insults and yelling back and forth, which all started over something pretty dumb anyw...
Hard Digest January 26: Early Access Korn, Aging, Congress, and More
Korn Fan Begrudgingly Admits Band Peaked With the First 50 Seconds of “Blind”By Zack ZagranisBAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local Korn fan Floyd Brennan recently admitted that the band hit its peak approximately 50 seconds into the song “Blind,” confirmed sources who didn’t think he made a compelling case.“I love Korn, don’t get me wrong, but the older I get, the harder it is to pretend that the band has put out anything as badass as the quietly unhinged opening of ‘Blind,’” the 43-year-old Bakersfield native said. “Sure, to say ...
Hard Digest January 25: Early Access Rush, Dry January, Militias, and More
High School Rush Fan Spends Seven Minutes in Heaven Making Pretty Girl Listen to “Working Man”By Ryan WernerST. LOUIS — Local Rush fan and high school senior Micah Kirby spent the entirety of the make out game Seven Minutes in Heaven playing “Working Man” by Canadian prog rock trio Rush to his fellow classmate Kaylee White, confirmed sources.“I’m not sure the exact rules of the game, but there’s nothing more heavenly than the sound of Geddy Lee’s voice for seven consecutive minutes,” said Kirby. “Time sure flies by when yo...
Hard Digest January 24: Early Access Billy Corgan, Death Metal Drummers, Awareness, and More
“What Does Billy Corgan Think About All This?” Wonders Billy CorganBy Ryan WernerCHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins singer and National Wrestling Alliance owner Billy Corgan suddenly wondered what Billy Corgan thought about all that was going on in the world, confirmed the man himself.“Politics, for example. What would the man who famously wrote the line ‘the world is a vampire’ have to say about that?” said Corgan in the mirror. “I’m sure William Patrick Corgan, Jr. has a lot on his mind regarding Trump’s presidency, foreign wars,...
Hard Digest January 23: Early Access Moshing, Instagram, Poly Couples, and More
Punk Comes to Sudden Realization That Moshing Pretty StupidBy John DanekCHARLEROI, Pa. — Lifelong punk Hunter Burchuk experienced the startling epiphany that moshing is “dumb as hell” during a recent local hardcore show, concerned friends reported.“I was two-stepping during a breakdown when a rogue foot smashed into my face. Time stopped, and for the first time I could see exactly how fucking stupid I looked,” recounted a bruised Burchuk, who has since enrolled in philosophy courses at Westmoreland County Community College. “Moshing...
