CarissaExplainsNothing

Survival vs Thriving

I’ve been in survival mode for two years. As exhausting and depleting as it’s been, one big frustration is the lack of personal growth during this time. The 5 years leading up to these past two were years of rapid growth, “deconstruction,” exploring new ideas, and expanding emotional and mental capacity. So I really see the stark difference in personal growth between survival and calm.We often judge people for what we perceive as lack of initiative to change and grow when they are very much just trying to survive. Clearing the chaos and...

Me on the Focus on Your Own Family Podcast

Hi! I was the guest on my friend Stephanie’s podcast, Focus on Your Own Family. We had a great conversation about growing up in fundamentalist Christianity as a homeschooled pastor’s kid and how Focus on the Family impacted my life. Check it out on Spotify or where you listen to podcasts.Also, if you’re not already, make sure you subscribe to the podcast. I’m SUPER excited about the topics and guests she has in the works!

Weird Ex-Evangelical Kid Memories

I’ve been digging through my garage looking for my boxes of random things I saved from childhood and ohhhh wow am I finding the weirdest stuff. 😂 I’ll be sharing more of these items on TikTok and Instagram soon, so that’s something to look forward to. Haha!I saved every Brio magazine, Christian band poster and t-shirt, even my old Awana handbook and the dress I wore for my Honor Star crowning. It’s some WEIRD shit, lemme tell ya.Now that I’m unboxing these memories, I don’t quite know what to do with them. I don’t want to keep ...

I wish life was just a bowl of… cherry lollipops

It’s Christmas in July 😆😁

Wearing this just once a year would be such a waste 🤷🏼‍♀️

I Was in a Cult

I’ve decided to start talking about “the cult.” So many questions come in on my socials and in DMs asking about my cult experience that I vaguely elude to occasionally. It’s time I start telling the stories.It’s hard to know where to begin, but the short version is that when I was 18 I moved to Phoenix to be a part of a group called Master’s Commission that was a ministry out of Phoenix First Assembly of God (now Dream City Church, or something “cool” like that). I was there for three years. It took years to work through the int...

Hope you’re all having a good week! ❤️

What I’m Listening To: Focus on Your Own Family

My friend Stephanie has a new podcast! Please check it out and support her by listening, leaving a review, sharing, etc.Focus on Your Own Family, and Leave Ours Alone podcast

Camp and all the things missed

I dropped my kiddo off at camp yesterday and walking around checking the place out I felt so happy for her and also sad for me that I never got to experience a non church camp or really any similar activities outside of church as a kid (since I was homeschooled I didn’t have any school activities and wasn’t a part of any clubs or groups in the community).Those of us raised in this very heavily controlled way often talk about the things that we missed. Well meaning folks will then jump in to these conversations and say things like “you can...

Quieting the Noise

I tweeted recently that I have too much social media now. 😆 It’s just… very loud. I added three new social media channels in the last two weeks for various purposes and they’ve cumulatively grown by almost 4,000 followers. It’s a very good thing for me in many ways, and absolutely exhausting in others.I had to take a week to escape the noisiness as much as possible. It’s been helpful. I hope whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed by all the posts and stories and headlines grabbing for your attention, you can take some time away from...

Tired

I saw a a post on social media recently (I can’t remember where I saw it 🙁) that explained that after a traumatic experience or a prolonged time of intense stress, grief, betrayal, etc. when coming back into a place of peace and safety it’s really common for the body to be very tired. I think that’s what I’m experiencing now. I’ve gone from not being able to sleep much at all to now sleeping very deeply all night and needing naps whenever my schedule allows. Has anyone else experienced this?❤️❤️❤️

Grief

I took this picture right after I got my nose pierced on a whim. It was a couple of weeks after my dad died and I felt like doing something impulsive, so the nose piercing happened.Today would be my dad’s birthday. These days are hard to describe.Sending love to all who know this kind of loss and the strange mix of feelings these type of sad milestone days bring.❤️❤️❤️

Not Ashamed

Every day now I get comments (almost all from men) shaming me for my body. Every. Single. Day. It’s usually because they don’t like that most of my shirts are low-cut, but also sometimes it’s the size of my body (I wear a 16 right now, so I’m at the small end of “plus size”) or it’s my hair or that I’m wearing makeup or that I’m not wearing makeup or if I’m using a fun filter on a TikTok video, and so on. I can’t win in these situations, so I stopped trying. In spite of the constant barrage of negative comments and unsolic...

What I’m Listening to: Holy Smokes Podcast

Although I don’t attend church anymore, I really enjoy this podcast and their conversations around spirituality. Recent episodes:Christianity Has a Consent ProblemBlack Women and African Spirituality Deconstructing as a ParentCheck out the podcast and other info/resources by clicking here.

Healing

2021 and 2022 were terrible years for me. Many good moments and positive changes, but also some of the worst things I’ve ever had to face. All the times of intense pain and serious trauma wore me down in every way; my hair fell out, my weight yo-yo’d, either couldn’t sleep or couldn’t stay awake, I lashed out inappropriately at times, I couldn’t keep up with my work and often couldn’t get bills paid on time or at all, I trusted the wrong people out of desperation, my skin broke out in rashes from stress, and on and on and on. In man...

Not the Doormat

When I was young I used to refer to myself as the “doormat.” It’s the thing that people walk right over without noticing, until it’s needed and not there.Beginning to assert myself, set boundaries, and not be afraid to gently but directly let someone know when they’ve crossed a line with me has been challenging. I don’t have much experience at this! As with any learning process, I make mistakes and don’t always communicate my boundaries in the best way. But every day I can see progress being made.❤️❤️❤️

My Kid Thinks I’m Cool 😎

My daughter and her friends think I’m cool and I wonder if that means I’m doing something wrong. 🤣 Last month I volunteered to help run a game at her school for the last day of 5th grade party and she was so excited that I would be there. Then she specifically requested that I wear this shirt and I was like “I don’t think that’s appropriate for school” but she insisted. So I wore it with a zip up sweater. 😆 Just trying to make my kid happy without getting kicked out of her school. Happy Sunday, everyone!❤️❤️❤️

Friday… Already

I have no idea how it’s Friday already! This week flew by for me and I am not ready for the weekend, but here we are. So, happy Friday, all!❤️❤️❤️

Viral

I’ve worked in influencer marketing and social media management in different capacities over the last 10 years and initially there was so much conversation about “going viral.” It felt like everyone was discussing what it meant to have viral content, how to get content to go viral, what to do with viral content in terms of monetization and leveraging the success in other areas, etc. It got to a point where many of us stopped using the term “going viral” because it was so overused.Really, the desire to “go viral” was and is about h...

Don’t Tell Anyone

There’s this song by Semler called “Don’t Tell Anyone” and as soon as I heard it I felt so understood. Semler (Grace Baldridge) is also a pastor’s kid and the song reminds me so much of trying to live my life and have relationships while inside “the bubble.” Everyone had an opinion about me and I had to care because it could impact my dad’s job which was my family’s entire income. It was an incredible burden to bear as a teenage girl who just wanted to be my own person. Dating was impossible. 😑 In fact, dating was forbidden...

Dreams

I don’t know how to dream yet.I’ve always had a big imagination and am forever the idea person. My number 1 strength, according to StrengthsFinder, is strategy and number 2 is ideation. I absolutely live in my head (hello there, enneagram 7) and it feels like I almost have the ability to see things before they happen.But my life has been HARD for the past two years. I’m still in survival mode. I live day to day, which is so hard on my mental health, but I’ve yet to work my way out of this pit.In a Live on TikTok this week, someone asked...

Getting Started

For me, the most difficult part of accomplishing anything is just getting started. I usually know exactly what I need to do, but feel stuck. I think this is why Monday is so difficult; that first push off into a long list of tasks is overwhelming to me. But once I get moving it’s all much easier. So that’s where I am at the moment… trying to work up the energy to get started on a mountain of projects.Wishing you all a great week!❤️❤️❤️

No Restrictions

Does this dress make my ass look big? Yes? Okay, good. 😆I stopped wearing regular bras almost completely a year ago and switched to clothes that have some sort of built in bra-ish kind of thing. I hate uncomfortable, restrictive bras and getting rid of them made it even easier to get ready in the morning because I just throw on a shirt without worrying about which bra to wear. I know I’m speaking to a lot of men here, but seriously, this one less thing to think about after 30 years is AMAZING.Now, I get my shirts and dresses from a company...

Pride!

I went to Columbus Pride yesterday for the first time ever and loved the whole experience! I mean, other than the lonnngggg walk back to the car when I ended up getting sick. ☹️There was a record breaking 700,000 people at Columbus Pride this year and walking in the parade I could really feel the energy. I’ve never felt so comfortable in my own skin before. I wasn’t worried about what I was wearing (except I didn’t like this boring gray shirt I had to wear!), I didn’t care how my hair looked, my chubby mom bod was no issue… I coul...

Just Me

Sometimes the body dysmorphia hits hard and I have to pull back from all the things. The makeup, hair stuff, obsessing over what I eat, even fun filters I sometimes play around with on TikTok… I have to set it all aside and just look at myself without the extras. The “extras” are generally harmless and fine, as long as I can see the me under it all and love that person. So here’s me, first thing in the morning with no makeup and my frizzy hair pulled up in a messy bun and no special lighting that makes my skin look a little less texture...

Listening & Learning

I was raised in the evangelical church, specifically in a weird mix of fundamentalism and Pentecostalism. I was very intentionally kept from “the world” and only allowed to listen to and read approved media. We weren’t even allowed to watch TV except for a few shows my parents allowed, and even then only with permission. A huge shift in my life came when I was able to start watching movies and TV freely for the first time when I had my own apparent (with roommates) when I moved to Phoenix at age 18.The second big shift came in my 30s when...

What I’m Listening To: An Audience of None

This podcast is one of my new favorites because Stephanie and Joshua and also some of my favorites! They talk about their experiences related to evangelical church world and all things Christian church music as former worship leaders. I personally resonate so much with their stories and they’re so good at making it lighthearted and funny.If you’re an ex evangelical like me (or if you’re not but you’re curious), check out their podcast, An Audience of None. https://open.spotify.com/show/6crWkBtHVdQjyRfM41PLAU?si=SnP7CZPeRjOxyQoKg08lBA

No Response

I’ve heard it said many times that no response IS a response. Right now, my lack of response is the very best way to handle people who are refusing to hear me and respect my boundaries. This problem has been popping up a lot with fellow creators on TikTok who I would consider friends on a parasocial level. I’m learning more and more to stick up for myself and assert my boundaries in my comment sections and DMs, and sometimes that means ignoring people who are trying to get my attention in negative ways. This is hard enough when it’s rando...

Towels

Growing up I had this silly life goal of always having all matching bath towels. I don’t know why, but that seemed like a key indicator of success. 😆I’ve yet to achieve all matching towel status in life, but I do have a few favorites.

Rainy Days

It’s raining where I’m at today, which is good because we really needed the rain. These are the sort of days that make me wish I could just lay around with a cup of coffee and a book instead of working.❤️❤️❤️